No one likes to be wrong. I HATE being wrong. I'm a perfectionist, I'm OCD, I have an anxiety disorder, I am rarely wrong. Due to the events in my life, I've convinced myself that if I stay 3 steps ahead of the rest of the world that everything will be ok. It worked for the majority of my life, until I became an RA.
When applying to be an RA, they tell you you'll be overworked and underpaid, they tell you you now live in a fish bowl, and they tell you it'll be hard because you work where you live. Heck, they even tell you to expect to be called in the middle of the night. They don't tell you that you'll be called a bitch, or mean, or rude every time you document an incident. They don't tell you that residents will get you out of the shower for a trivial issue. They don't tell you that you have to be empathetic towards little situations like someone's light bulb burnt out or they dropped a toothbrush on the floor. They don't tell you that for every step forward there will be 4 steps backward. They don't tell you that you'll constantly be corrected, and that you'll rarely ever be right. They don't tell you a lot of things.
As an RA you have to humanize and de-humanize yourself at the same time. You have to develop a thick skin while at the same time be so invested in your residents that you're up when they're up and you're down when they're down. You have to put every personal issue aside if a resident needs you. Residents expect you to be a robot, because they majority of your job happens behind the scenes. They tell me I make it "look so easy." Well, you should have seen me 15 minutes ago when I had an emotional breakdown in my room. When you live where you work, you're not allowed to have a bad day, you have to be "on" 24/7. If a resident sees that your face is puffy because you've just been crying and you say you don't want to talk about it, the entire hall knows that you've been crying within 5 minutes. They ask if you're ok, but if you said why you're really upset the entire hall would know that in another 5 minutes. They don't tell you any of this in the many hours of RA training.
Now, I am grateful for my job. I've made friends I know I will have for a lifetime. I really, truly care for my residents. I started praying for them when I found out I was an RA. I pray for them daily. I do want to listen to their problems and I do want to know about their days. There are good times, like last week when I sat in the hall with 5 residents for an hour just talking about our lives, or when a resident makes a great grade on a paper you helped them with. I know I'm supposed to be a servant to God, and I should not complain, but I'm human. I worked so hard to get this position and now I'm questioning all of it. But I know I'm where God wants me to be, and I was so sure of it in August, but right now I'm asking God "why?"
For now, I guess I'll just have to get used to being wrong.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Forgiveness
Yes, Jesus loves me. We all know the Sunday school song; it's really a child's first glimpse at forgiveness. This was one of the first songs Caroline sang...well it went a little like this, "YES! Jeshu ovvv me! YES! Jeshu ovv me!" Regardless of how she sang it, it makes my heart smile to think that at 18 months old she already knew that Jesus loves her.
A HUGE part of Jesus and God's love is His forgiveness. John 3:16 tells us that "for God so loved the world He gave His one and only son." He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus died so that we may be forgiven. Now, if man was made in the image of God, it means that we are capable of the qualities of God, it's just a matter of how we act on them (aka, mess ups=our sins). The Godly quality that I struggle with most is forgiveness. It's difficult for me to forgive others, but even more difficult for me to forgive myself. Now, forgiveness is something I've been working on for a long time. About a year ago, my brother-in-law, Andrew, my sister Jackie, and I had a conversation about forgiveness. Andrew told me I needed to leave every bitter feeling I had towards a person at the cross. God easily forgives us, so why is it so difficult to forgive? Now, and I'm not making this up, at the time we were having this conversation we were driving through the North Georgia Mountains on the way back from his brother's wedding, and Caroline was asleep in her car seat. At the moment we were discussing forgiveness, we drove past a giant cross on the side of the mountain that was all lit up in the night. It was so surreal that I asked if there was actually a cross there or if I was going crazy. The cross was so amazingly beautiful; it looked like it was just floating in the darkness. Background story: you all know Bobby and I had a little 5 month "hiatus," if you will. Well, in those first few months I had a lot of hatred and resentment built up against how we ended, and...maybe, a little bit towards him. Now he and I have talked about all of this which is why I'm comfortable enough to share it on here. So, I had a really hard time forgiving him. Seeing that cross in the night sky was the moment that I began my journey of forgiving him for breaking my heart. Granted, it took until January for me to "finish" forgiving him, but that moment was when it all started. This is the only example I can really think of for a time when I truly forgave someone. And, I think the time it took for me to forgive him had to do with how long it took for us to get back together. You can't start a relationship again if one person has all this built up anger and animosity towards the other.
I guess my main question is why, if I know that Jesus died for my sins, and that I am constantly forgiven for my sins, and I can forgive other people, why can I not forgive myself?
There are things I can think of all the way back in pre-school where I was nasty to someone, and I still feel bad for it. I still beat myself up about little things like that. I think about how rude I was in a moment of frustration with G, or how I snapped at my mom, or lost my patience with a resident. I constantly analyze each situation and dwell on what I did wrong. I asked God for forgiveness, and I was given it, so why can't I forgive myself? I guess...does anyone else have this problem? Any tips on how to make it easier?
Blessings and love.
A HUGE part of Jesus and God's love is His forgiveness. John 3:16 tells us that "for God so loved the world He gave His one and only son." He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus died so that we may be forgiven. Now, if man was made in the image of God, it means that we are capable of the qualities of God, it's just a matter of how we act on them (aka, mess ups=our sins). The Godly quality that I struggle with most is forgiveness. It's difficult for me to forgive others, but even more difficult for me to forgive myself. Now, forgiveness is something I've been working on for a long time. About a year ago, my brother-in-law, Andrew, my sister Jackie, and I had a conversation about forgiveness. Andrew told me I needed to leave every bitter feeling I had towards a person at the cross. God easily forgives us, so why is it so difficult to forgive? Now, and I'm not making this up, at the time we were having this conversation we were driving through the North Georgia Mountains on the way back from his brother's wedding, and Caroline was asleep in her car seat. At the moment we were discussing forgiveness, we drove past a giant cross on the side of the mountain that was all lit up in the night. It was so surreal that I asked if there was actually a cross there or if I was going crazy. The cross was so amazingly beautiful; it looked like it was just floating in the darkness. Background story: you all know Bobby and I had a little 5 month "hiatus," if you will. Well, in those first few months I had a lot of hatred and resentment built up against how we ended, and...maybe, a little bit towards him. Now he and I have talked about all of this which is why I'm comfortable enough to share it on here. So, I had a really hard time forgiving him. Seeing that cross in the night sky was the moment that I began my journey of forgiving him for breaking my heart. Granted, it took until January for me to "finish" forgiving him, but that moment was when it all started. This is the only example I can really think of for a time when I truly forgave someone. And, I think the time it took for me to forgive him had to do with how long it took for us to get back together. You can't start a relationship again if one person has all this built up anger and animosity towards the other.
I guess my main question is why, if I know that Jesus died for my sins, and that I am constantly forgiven for my sins, and I can forgive other people, why can I not forgive myself?
There are things I can think of all the way back in pre-school where I was nasty to someone, and I still feel bad for it. I still beat myself up about little things like that. I think about how rude I was in a moment of frustration with G, or how I snapped at my mom, or lost my patience with a resident. I constantly analyze each situation and dwell on what I did wrong. I asked God for forgiveness, and I was given it, so why can't I forgive myself? I guess...does anyone else have this problem? Any tips on how to make it easier?
Blessings and love.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Why I Want to be a Teacher
So I was in my Educational Psychology class today and we talked about poverty and how it affects children in schools. The question is...how does it NOT affect children in schools? We watched a segment from 60 Minutes about child poverty in the U.S. and frankly, I got tears in my eyes. The interviewer sat down with about 20 children from elementary school to middle school ages and asked them some questions. One of the questions was "What is it like to sleep while you're hungry?" One young boy said he couldn't sleep at night because he woke up every 5 minutes thinking about how hungry he was. Another little girl said it was embarrassing because her stomach would rumble and the kids in her class always asked her why. Now, if you're reading this, you know I'm extremely dramatic; I say I'm starving all the time. In truth, I'm not. The kids also said that it's hard to concentrate when they've had to skip dinner and breakfast.
The interviewer also asked if any of the kids had their electricity turned off at home. 18 of the 20 children raised their hands. 18 out of 20! Their parents had to choose between feeding their family, or having electricity. The students also said they did their homework by candlelight. One older boy, about 14, said he went out in the car and used the overhead light just so he could get his studying done. The tear-jerker came when one girl, about 12, started to cry and said that she felt like her parents' poverty was all her fault because they had to buy her food and clothes.
It was this last statement from the girl that gave me this overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to enter the teaching profession. From reading by big sis's blog, I know that schools aren't what they used to be; parents don't care, students don't care, and teachers are teaching according to a bar set not according to their students' individual needs. This I know; however, I know God wants me to teach. I want to show the students the power of love and warmth. I will love those high schoolers (even thought it might almost kill me sometimes) like they're my own. Yes, I stress about money, and yes, there were times things were tight, but I always knew there was a roof over my head. I always had electricity and I always knew where my next meal was coming from. To the children who don't know these things, school really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. At 16 it will just make more sense for them to drop out of high school and work so they can contribute to their family's wages. I know what I'm up against. I want to show these students that breaking the chain and going to college will in fact benefit them more than they'll ever know. I know it won't be easy, I know I'll want to quit, but I know this is what I'm supposed to do. I want to be there for those kids. I want to show them the beauty of literature and how you can escape into a world that isn't your own, even for just a few hours. I want to see these students (even though I won't know them for a while) succeed and get accepted into college. I want to show them the beauty of an education; that although it sometimes "sucks," it will pay off in the long run. I want to love them and cherish them. I want to succeed when they succeed, and fall when they fall.
I want to be a teacher.
The interviewer also asked if any of the kids had their electricity turned off at home. 18 of the 20 children raised their hands. 18 out of 20! Their parents had to choose between feeding their family, or having electricity. The students also said they did their homework by candlelight. One older boy, about 14, said he went out in the car and used the overhead light just so he could get his studying done. The tear-jerker came when one girl, about 12, started to cry and said that she felt like her parents' poverty was all her fault because they had to buy her food and clothes.
It was this last statement from the girl that gave me this overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to enter the teaching profession. From reading by big sis's blog, I know that schools aren't what they used to be; parents don't care, students don't care, and teachers are teaching according to a bar set not according to their students' individual needs. This I know; however, I know God wants me to teach. I want to show the students the power of love and warmth. I will love those high schoolers (even thought it might almost kill me sometimes) like they're my own. Yes, I stress about money, and yes, there were times things were tight, but I always knew there was a roof over my head. I always had electricity and I always knew where my next meal was coming from. To the children who don't know these things, school really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. At 16 it will just make more sense for them to drop out of high school and work so they can contribute to their family's wages. I know what I'm up against. I want to show these students that breaking the chain and going to college will in fact benefit them more than they'll ever know. I know it won't be easy, I know I'll want to quit, but I know this is what I'm supposed to do. I want to be there for those kids. I want to show them the beauty of literature and how you can escape into a world that isn't your own, even for just a few hours. I want to see these students (even though I won't know them for a while) succeed and get accepted into college. I want to show them the beauty of an education; that although it sometimes "sucks," it will pay off in the long run. I want to love them and cherish them. I want to succeed when they succeed, and fall when they fall.
I want to be a teacher.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Number Two
So last night a group of my SAO sisters and I went to the Passion Conference Tour 2012 at Athens Church. It was a much needed emotional night of worship and message. It's been a while since I've gone to a big worship event like that, and I really needed it. I'm struggling a lot with being lonely and with Bobby being so far away. OK, I know whoever reads this probably gets really bored...wah wah, I miss my boyfriend, I know, it could be so much worse, I know. Anyway, it was so amazing just to gather with a huge group of college-aged believers and worship our Lord. Within the first few songs, I immediately felt waves of relief and the presence of Jesus. As Louie Giglio gave his speech, I was really struck by one of the things he said; that we must find a number 2. He talked about falling in love-something I can relate to. But, Louie talked about how we must first fall in love with God, our number one, and then go in search of our number 2. Fortunately, at this time in my life, I've found my number 2 in Bobby.
A relationship is hard. It's work, and there are good days and bad days. Add in a 1,000+ mile difference and it gets even harder. Bobby and I have been struggling a lot with missing each other, which is only to be expected. We saw each other this past weekend and it was wonderful. Just to be with my best friend again. He's changed so much in the 7 weeks we were apart, and I'm so proud of the Godly man he's becoming. The distance requires a lot of trust in the person you love, and trusting yourself. Because our relationship has been weighing heavily on my heart, it's something I prayed really hard about last night about Louie spoke. I prayed that God guide us in our craziness of staying together, and that it be His will. I was hit with a sense of peace, and that was so nice and refreshing. It's crazy to think that a year ago Bobby and I were broken up, and not speaking to each other. We've been through so much in the past year and a half, and I know we have a lot more to get through. But as Bobby and I were talking last night about how we sometimes ask ourselves "Why us," that we should be grateful. We should be grateful that God loves us enough to challenge our love for each other by distancing us. And by distancing us, we must turn to Him so that we may grow together. And how much of a blessing is that? A huge one. I know we have so much going against us, and that there are so many obstacles in my way, but I'm not afraid-sad, lonely, and missing him like crazy, yes. But I am not afraid. We'll be OK. We've trusted God with our relationship and there isn't much more we can do.
I've found my number 2.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Missing You
September is always a hard month for me; it marks however many years ago my dad died. Now, I'm not a person to typically harp on dates, but giving that this was such a huge event in my life it always affects me. This past September 19th marked 13 years since my dad died. It's hard, it really is. It's hard because I was 6, and didn't really get to know him. I knew he loved me. I knew he loved my sisters. I knew he loved my mom. And the majority of the time, knowing those 3 things is enough. Sometimes though, it's not. I've learned over the years from asking questions that when he was little he wanted to be an Astronaut when he grew up, his favorite color was red, the marines was where he learned to smoke, he had a dog named Prince who was his best friend growing up. As I pass each big milestone in my life I wish he was here: getting my driver's license, getting accepted into college, and my high school graduation. It's hard in knowing he isn't going to walk me down the aisle, my children will never know their grandfather. Each time I look at Caroline and Robby I wish my dad were here, to play with them, to comfort them, to spoil them, it hurts. I do have the memories. Like going to the pool with him, playing pirates on the swingset in our backyard, going to Dairy Queen after pre school, playing beauty and the beast, going on neighborhood runs, car trips, and him bringing home donuts after he worked the graveyard shift. They're comforting, but sometimes they aren't enough.
It's hard being in a relationship without your dad too. I so wish Bobby could have met him. I know they could have sat down and talked about History for hours on end. I see so much of my dad in Bobby, heck, they even have the same name. And I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship with a boy who accepts the fact that I'm awkward around male authority figures. I've had to learn a lot of things the hard way about boys. But luckily, Bobby accepts my faults, and the fact that I'm naive when it comes to guys.
I, like every other person, have good days and bad days. Today was one of those days when I just missed him a lot, and the memories of the day he died flooded my brain. I don't like to talk about that day, no one would, but I recently answered some friends' questions about what happened so that's probably why a lot of this has surfaced. I still love him, and I know he still loves me. I know what happened is part of God's plan, and although it has taken me 13 years, I accept it. I am so blessed in every other aspect of my life. But sometimes...I'm still that little girl on a swingset, waiting for her daddy to come play with her. Sometimes, I just need to sit back and remember the wonderful man who is my father, and cherish every memory I have.
It's hard being in a relationship without your dad too. I so wish Bobby could have met him. I know they could have sat down and talked about History for hours on end. I see so much of my dad in Bobby, heck, they even have the same name. And I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship with a boy who accepts the fact that I'm awkward around male authority figures. I've had to learn a lot of things the hard way about boys. But luckily, Bobby accepts my faults, and the fact that I'm naive when it comes to guys.
I, like every other person, have good days and bad days. Today was one of those days when I just missed him a lot, and the memories of the day he died flooded my brain. I don't like to talk about that day, no one would, but I recently answered some friends' questions about what happened so that's probably why a lot of this has surfaced. I still love him, and I know he still loves me. I know what happened is part of God's plan, and although it has taken me 13 years, I accept it. I am so blessed in every other aspect of my life. But sometimes...I'm still that little girl on a swingset, waiting for her daddy to come play with her. Sometimes, I just need to sit back and remember the wonderful man who is my father, and cherish every memory I have.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Distance
To be blunt, distance sucks.
I hate distance. I hate Pennsylvania. I hate Gettysburg. But...I love the boy who is distanced from me, and the boy who goes to school in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. I don't know how these men and women have husbands and wives in the military and are separated for extended periods of time. It's been 5 weeks since I've seen Bobby, and we have another 2 to go, but my heart hurts so badly I can barely stand it. I am grateful he is not in a war-torn country, I am grateful in knowing he will come home. I am grateful in knowing he is safe. But, I'm whining and just miss him. It's crazy to think that a year ago I was crying because I missed him in a different way, and I think that's what makes this hard. I get anxious because I'm away from him and this feels like last year, but then all he has to do is say "I love you," and it's all OK. A year and a half is a long time for people our age to be together. Yes, we had a 5 month "hiatus," but we've been together longer than we were apart. And we both spent those 5 months longing to talk to each other but being to scared to do it. It's also hard when I have people telling me I'm crazy all the time for trying this. OK people, I know I'm crazy. I know I'm stupid, naive, ignorant, whatever. I take what you have to say, but honestly, you don't know our relationship. We've been through a lot in the past year and a half, and we've grown stronger in our love because of it. We don't depend on each other, we depend on God. I know this is what He wants for us, I know I am where I am supposed to be in my life, but it's so hard. I don't know where the future takes us, I don't know what God's plan is, but right now I love that crazy, funny, sweet, boy who is a thousand miles away. So if you or someone you know has a loved one fighting overseas, tell them they're amazing. Especially if they have babies. I don't know how they find the strength to do it.
Sincerely,
Me.
I hate distance. I hate Pennsylvania. I hate Gettysburg. But...I love the boy who is distanced from me, and the boy who goes to school in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. I don't know how these men and women have husbands and wives in the military and are separated for extended periods of time. It's been 5 weeks since I've seen Bobby, and we have another 2 to go, but my heart hurts so badly I can barely stand it. I am grateful he is not in a war-torn country, I am grateful in knowing he will come home. I am grateful in knowing he is safe. But, I'm whining and just miss him. It's crazy to think that a year ago I was crying because I missed him in a different way, and I think that's what makes this hard. I get anxious because I'm away from him and this feels like last year, but then all he has to do is say "I love you," and it's all OK. A year and a half is a long time for people our age to be together. Yes, we had a 5 month "hiatus," but we've been together longer than we were apart. And we both spent those 5 months longing to talk to each other but being to scared to do it. It's also hard when I have people telling me I'm crazy all the time for trying this. OK people, I know I'm crazy. I know I'm stupid, naive, ignorant, whatever. I take what you have to say, but honestly, you don't know our relationship. We've been through a lot in the past year and a half, and we've grown stronger in our love because of it. We don't depend on each other, we depend on God. I know this is what He wants for us, I know I am where I am supposed to be in my life, but it's so hard. I don't know where the future takes us, I don't know what God's plan is, but right now I love that crazy, funny, sweet, boy who is a thousand miles away. So if you or someone you know has a loved one fighting overseas, tell them they're amazing. Especially if they have babies. I don't know how they find the strength to do it.
Sincerely,
Me.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Two Postings in a Row
Okay Okay, I know...two nights in a row Victoria, seriously? Sorry, I just finished my quiet time for the day, and I just have a few things I'd like to share with the world.
Lately I've been reading Isaiah. By lately, I mean I started it at the beginning of the summer and kind of left off somewhere in the 40th chapter until the Lord recently brought me back to the wonderful book of Isaiah. I've been struggling a lot lately with being lonely and in missing Bobby, plus there are always people on my heart. So tonight I read 45 and 46, and here are some of the highlights I made:
"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord." - 45:3
Wow. Here God is, flat out telling us that He will hide special things for us. You know the expression, "there's always light at the end of the tunnel"? Where here is the light people. Right there, in scripture. God is saying there are treasures in darkness. We just have to be patient (eh, sucky, right?) and know that somewhere in our time(s) of darkness, God has a treasure in store, if not just you getting out of the darkness.
"I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me." -45:5
You know that little box I was talking about in yesterday's post? That's what I'm talking about. Yet, He still strengthens us even though we ignore and push His away.
"you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." -46:4
Again, wow. He planned your conception, your birth, and everything in between. He will never let us go. He is the only one there witnessing every tiny second of your life. He will sustain us and rescue us.
"What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted, you who are far from righteousness. I am bringing my righteousness near, it is not far away; and my salvation will not be delayed." -46:11-13
The plan. Even though right now I may be in a time of darkness, and I am so stubborn that I try (and fail) to do things my own way, His will will succeed. Right now I am in a tunnel of darkness, and those that weigh heavily on my heart are too, but His salvation will not be delayed. He is God and He cannot be stopped. He will save us.
***On a side note, if you ever want prayer, PLEASE tell me, Facebook, phone, email, anything. I'm yours. I believe in the power of prayer.
Lately I've been reading Isaiah. By lately, I mean I started it at the beginning of the summer and kind of left off somewhere in the 40th chapter until the Lord recently brought me back to the wonderful book of Isaiah. I've been struggling a lot lately with being lonely and in missing Bobby, plus there are always people on my heart. So tonight I read 45 and 46, and here are some of the highlights I made:
"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord." - 45:3
Wow. Here God is, flat out telling us that He will hide special things for us. You know the expression, "there's always light at the end of the tunnel"? Where here is the light people. Right there, in scripture. God is saying there are treasures in darkness. We just have to be patient (eh, sucky, right?) and know that somewhere in our time(s) of darkness, God has a treasure in store, if not just you getting out of the darkness.
"I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me." -45:5
You know that little box I was talking about in yesterday's post? That's what I'm talking about. Yet, He still strengthens us even though we ignore and push His away.
"you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." -46:4
Again, wow. He planned your conception, your birth, and everything in between. He will never let us go. He is the only one there witnessing every tiny second of your life. He will sustain us and rescue us.
"What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted, you who are far from righteousness. I am bringing my righteousness near, it is not far away; and my salvation will not be delayed." -46:11-13
The plan. Even though right now I may be in a time of darkness, and I am so stubborn that I try (and fail) to do things my own way, His will will succeed. Right now I am in a tunnel of darkness, and those that weigh heavily on my heart are too, but His salvation will not be delayed. He is God and He cannot be stopped. He will save us.
***On a side note, if you ever want prayer, PLEASE tell me, Facebook, phone, email, anything. I'm yours. I believe in the power of prayer.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Glory of it All
Sometimes, life throws something at you that makes you want to curl up in a ball and wait until it's over. It happens, that's life, right? That's what we say to make ourselves feel better. "Time heals all wounds." "No matter what, it'll be ok." As the person hearing those words of advice you think, "yea, right, easy for you to say." But no, these sayings are true. I'm a Christian, so of course I believe that everything will be OK. That's what we're told to believe...because it's true. Sometimes, God throws you a curve ball, one you're not expecting. But the glory is that He knows what's happening next. He knows what the end result will be. I believe He may not necessarily know precisely how you'll act. He created us to think for ourselves. But in the end, He knows what decisions we'll make. Alas, we do make mistakes. We sin. We're imperfect. Thank you, Eve, for eating that fruit. Truly, thank you. Because if Eve had never done that, we would never know pain. But we do know pain. We know it all too well. Sometimes it's dull and achy, it's that nagging voice in the back of our hearts. Sometimes it rips you open and tears you into a million little pieces. Pain breaks your heart, it breaks your mind, body, and soul. But if Eve had never listened to the serpent, we would not know God's grace. We would not know His righteousness. We would not know His redemption. That's the glory, God could have seen what Eve had done and cursed her for eternity. But He, being the loving God that He is, said "no, I'll punish you for what you've done, but I'll make something positive out of it." When we mess up, God is there to pick up the pieces. We ask for forgiveness and repent, and Jesus saves us. I sin, you sin, but I do not judge you, because my sin is just as great as yours. You see, this is the glory, we're forgiven. God loves us SO much that we mess up miserably, so much we can't even look at ourselves in the mirror, but He forgives us. We sin and turn away from Him. We put Him in a little box sometimes and only take Him out when we need Him. But He does not complain, He waits, patiently, loving us...waiting for us to remember that we need Him, and that His love conquers all. He redeems us. He forgives us. He tells us that it will all be OK. And it will. He will forgive us. He will allow time to heal our wounds. If you believe, it will all be OK in the end.
So if you've messed up, screwed up, made a mess of yourself, if you've had a bad day, been thrown that awful curve ball, or you've made a decision that will change your life entirely...
Remember, He loves us anyway.
And that is the GLORY of it ALL.
So if you've messed up, screwed up, made a mess of yourself, if you've had a bad day, been thrown that awful curve ball, or you've made a decision that will change your life entirely...
Remember, He loves us anyway.
And that is the GLORY of it ALL.
Friday, September 16, 2011
A Few Complaints
Precede with Caution.
I just needed to vent, and this post is nothing personal. I know it seems silly to address these things because I have so much to be thankful for, and I do not want to feed of the negativity in my life; feeding off one's negativity leads to unhappiness. I know these things; however, I have a few complaints/ pet peeves I just need to get off my chest. Please do not think me a horrible person. Feel free at anytime to stop reading if I'm seeming too much like a negative Nancy.
Boys, please do not talk about the intimate details of what you and your girlfriend did this past weekend in the dining hall. What you two do on your personal time is personal time and is personal. That girl does not deserve for you to talk about those details in a public setting or to "brag" about them to your guy friends. Respect her more than that. And the same goes for you too, Ladies.
When you get on a very crowded bus, get off your phone. When I am so close to you that I can hear the F-bombs the other person is dropping as a part of his/her daily conversations, I'm too close and you shouldn't be on your phone anyway.
If you don't like your job, please don't complain about it every 5 seconds. Especially the job as an RA. We knew taking this job that we would often be under-appreciated. However, I think the majority of the people in the workforce would say they aren't appreciated enough. And as an RA, you knew the job you were signing up for. We all need our vent sessions, myself included, but there is a difference between having a 15 minute vent session and complaining each time you have a late night, don't get all of your homework done, didn't get enough sleep, had to be on duty, or had a policy violation of some sort. It will be ok.
I guess just in general, I think that we've lost common courtesy, and we often do not appreciate what we have. I know, I know, a few weeks ago I had a venting post about how crazy busy I was. But I appreciate this job. I appreciate the young women on my hall; they're amazing. I'm extremely blessed that they escort their guests, don't bring strange young men on the hall, respect each other, and more. Being an RA, even for just the 8 weeks that I've had this job, I've learned so much. Mostly, I am grateful for the way I was raised. With my dad's passing, my sisters and I had to take on a lot of responsibilities- obviously my sisters took on those responsibilities earlier than I did, but I had my share when I got older. I'm grateful for each and every circumstance of my childhood. My mom always stressed counting our blessings. When my anxiety was at its height when I was younger, my mom would crawl in bed next to me while tucking me in and say "OK Victoria, what are 5 blessings that you have?" As these past two months have been crazy, I find myself thanking God for my blessings so I do not become so negative. College is not only academically hard, but it's hard in a social context. It's hard to grasp that people do not automatically think to get off the phone on a crowded bus or elevator. It's frustrating. To all of the college freshman out there, remember that. Remember that not everyone was raised the same way you were. Take a deep breath and move on. I've had my complain time for the day, so I'm taking a breath, and moving on. I'm grateful I have a job, I work with amazing people, I go to a great school, and I have the most wonderful family and friends. Count your blessings.
I just needed to vent, and this post is nothing personal. I know it seems silly to address these things because I have so much to be thankful for, and I do not want to feed of the negativity in my life; feeding off one's negativity leads to unhappiness. I know these things; however, I have a few complaints/ pet peeves I just need to get off my chest. Please do not think me a horrible person. Feel free at anytime to stop reading if I'm seeming too much like a negative Nancy.
Boys, please do not talk about the intimate details of what you and your girlfriend did this past weekend in the dining hall. What you two do on your personal time is personal time and is personal. That girl does not deserve for you to talk about those details in a public setting or to "brag" about them to your guy friends. Respect her more than that. And the same goes for you too, Ladies.
When you get on a very crowded bus, get off your phone. When I am so close to you that I can hear the F-bombs the other person is dropping as a part of his/her daily conversations, I'm too close and you shouldn't be on your phone anyway.
If you don't like your job, please don't complain about it every 5 seconds. Especially the job as an RA. We knew taking this job that we would often be under-appreciated. However, I think the majority of the people in the workforce would say they aren't appreciated enough. And as an RA, you knew the job you were signing up for. We all need our vent sessions, myself included, but there is a difference between having a 15 minute vent session and complaining each time you have a late night, don't get all of your homework done, didn't get enough sleep, had to be on duty, or had a policy violation of some sort. It will be ok.
I guess just in general, I think that we've lost common courtesy, and we often do not appreciate what we have. I know, I know, a few weeks ago I had a venting post about how crazy busy I was. But I appreciate this job. I appreciate the young women on my hall; they're amazing. I'm extremely blessed that they escort their guests, don't bring strange young men on the hall, respect each other, and more. Being an RA, even for just the 8 weeks that I've had this job, I've learned so much. Mostly, I am grateful for the way I was raised. With my dad's passing, my sisters and I had to take on a lot of responsibilities- obviously my sisters took on those responsibilities earlier than I did, but I had my share when I got older. I'm grateful for each and every circumstance of my childhood. My mom always stressed counting our blessings. When my anxiety was at its height when I was younger, my mom would crawl in bed next to me while tucking me in and say "OK Victoria, what are 5 blessings that you have?" As these past two months have been crazy, I find myself thanking God for my blessings so I do not become so negative. College is not only academically hard, but it's hard in a social context. It's hard to grasp that people do not automatically think to get off the phone on a crowded bus or elevator. It's frustrating. To all of the college freshman out there, remember that. Remember that not everyone was raised the same way you were. Take a deep breath and move on. I've had my complain time for the day, so I'm taking a breath, and moving on. I'm grateful I have a job, I work with amazing people, I go to a great school, and I have the most wonderful family and friends. Count your blessings.
Monday, September 5, 2011
You CAN go Home Again.
You know that saying, "You Can't go Home Again"? Well, I think it's just wrong; then again, I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful, loving family to go home to. I loved going home last year because I got homesick, wanted my own room, etc. But this year, I love going home because it's keeps me grounded. As I said in my previous post, this year so far has been rough. I like to be constantly busy (believe it or not it keeps my anxiety down), but here in Athens I let myself get so caught up in being the best RA I could be and getting great grades, and getting more involved in SAO that I forgot about what's truly important in my life. I sat in almost 3 hours of traffic on Friday which only added to my stress, but the closer and closer I got to my house I found I had to force myself to watch my speed because I just wanted to be home. Walking into my house I literally felt like I let out a breath I'd been holding for a month. Smelling the smell of my house and seeing the familiar pictures and grandfather clock just made me want to melt. Then up walked G in his "Georgia Grandpa" shirt that he put on because I was coming home. I felt like the moment I hugged my mom everything just flooded away. I didn't want to leave today because I knew I'd walk back into my crazy life. Who knew going home would be a vacation? Alas, I'm back in my room at UGA, grateful to be alive after the scariest drive of my life to get here. But as I drove in through the tornado sirens thinking I was going to die, I couldn't help but worry about my residents and if they would know what to do when the sirens went off. I called another RA and asked her to check on my girls. I know this is where I'm supposed to be in my life. I love my residents, and I pray for them endlessly, I want them to succeed, I want them to make friends, join clubs, tell me how their day is, and more. But, I still miss my Mommy. It's easier to come back to UGA from home as a sophomore than it was as a freshman, but I think I appreciate my home much more now than I did then.
You Can go Home Again...
You Can go Home Again...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Whirlwind of Fear.
This is going to be a typical "blog" post. Full of emotion, cheesy, etc. So if that turns you off I won't be offended by you not reading this.
I've been in Athens for almost a month, and that's insane. Being and RA is an experience. Experience, yes, I guess that's what I'll call it. The Lord called me to be an RA and man is He testing me. Two of my sisters and my mom were RAs and nothing they ever said could have prepared me for this. It's nice to feel needed by people, and all of my friends say I was born to be a mother, because I like taking care of people. However, it's hard to walk that fine line between being a friend to my residents and also having to serve as an authority figure for certain situations. All of the returning RAs say it will get better, and right now it's just overwhelming but it will calm down. Between 2 meetings each week, a private meeting with my supervisor every other week, programs, Roommate Agreements, and duty every other Wednesday and some Thursdays, and keeping up with my residents and trying to be available, I'm overwhelmed. Not to mention the fact that you know, as an English Ed major you kind of read a lot. A lot. And SAO, which I LOVE. Recruitment started tonight and it was so nice to meet some potential new members. It's crazy that that was me this year. I'm excited to get to know the new girls and can't wait to see what God has in store for them and for the sisters. But, that's also really time consuming through mid-September. I feel like I'm drowning about 90% of the time. I'm like a duck in the water, fine on top and pretend everything's great, but beneath the surface my feet are going a million miles a minute.
Now on the subject of Bobby. Pennsylvania is far. He came up here for the day on Saturday to say goodbye, and it was hands-down one of the hardest things I've done. I tried so hard to protect myself this summer from feeling the heartbreak I knew would come; I often pulled away and really made Bobby work hard to pull me back in. But upon saying goodbye he wrote me this beautiful letter (I hope he's ok with me saying that), and I lost it. Everything I'd been protecting myself from came back up and I was a mess. It was a tearful goodbye on both ends. He's in Gettysburg now and is doing well. It's hard, loving someone. We both know the heartbreak that came along with our breakup a year ago. I often thought, and still sometimes do, that it'd be easier just to break up. But crying all the time because I miss him really gives me insight: if I hurt so badly and I still get to talk to him and skype him (thank God for technology, I don't know how they did it before), what would it be like if I didn't get those things? I feel silly because I cry in my room a lot and then a resident needs me and I pull myself together and act like I'm fine, I guess I've gotten really good at that over the years. It's hard when a lot of other people say we're stupid and crazy for trying the distance, but when you love someone, you'll do whatever it takes. It's also hard because my mom and dad did long distance, Jackie and Andrew did, and Courtney and Thomas did. I know, I know, believe me, Bobby and I are not naive in knowing the odds are stacked against us. I cry all the time and it stinks cause I'm reminded of our break up a year ago. If you would have told me a year ago that Bobby and I would break up for 5 months and then get back together, I'd laugh. But here we are, once again trying this distance. We've grown so much in a year, and this time we've truly dedicated our relationship to the Lord. We did fine the last 3 months of the school year last year, but Marietta is much closer to Athens than Gettysburg. I'm reminded how much he and I need to turn to God. He has a greater plan. But man, He's really testing me. I guess this is a reminder of the fact that I need to put a lot more into my relationship with Him. I'm also reminded again of how amazing Taylor is. Yet another year in our 14 year friendship has gone by. We're both suffering broken hearts from distance. We always seem to go through phases together. I can't wait to see what this 15th year has in store for me and Tay.
For now...
blessings and love.
I've been in Athens for almost a month, and that's insane. Being and RA is an experience. Experience, yes, I guess that's what I'll call it. The Lord called me to be an RA and man is He testing me. Two of my sisters and my mom were RAs and nothing they ever said could have prepared me for this. It's nice to feel needed by people, and all of my friends say I was born to be a mother, because I like taking care of people. However, it's hard to walk that fine line between being a friend to my residents and also having to serve as an authority figure for certain situations. All of the returning RAs say it will get better, and right now it's just overwhelming but it will calm down. Between 2 meetings each week, a private meeting with my supervisor every other week, programs, Roommate Agreements, and duty every other Wednesday and some Thursdays, and keeping up with my residents and trying to be available, I'm overwhelmed. Not to mention the fact that you know, as an English Ed major you kind of read a lot. A lot. And SAO, which I LOVE. Recruitment started tonight and it was so nice to meet some potential new members. It's crazy that that was me this year. I'm excited to get to know the new girls and can't wait to see what God has in store for them and for the sisters. But, that's also really time consuming through mid-September. I feel like I'm drowning about 90% of the time. I'm like a duck in the water, fine on top and pretend everything's great, but beneath the surface my feet are going a million miles a minute.
Now on the subject of Bobby. Pennsylvania is far. He came up here for the day on Saturday to say goodbye, and it was hands-down one of the hardest things I've done. I tried so hard to protect myself this summer from feeling the heartbreak I knew would come; I often pulled away and really made Bobby work hard to pull me back in. But upon saying goodbye he wrote me this beautiful letter (I hope he's ok with me saying that), and I lost it. Everything I'd been protecting myself from came back up and I was a mess. It was a tearful goodbye on both ends. He's in Gettysburg now and is doing well. It's hard, loving someone. We both know the heartbreak that came along with our breakup a year ago. I often thought, and still sometimes do, that it'd be easier just to break up. But crying all the time because I miss him really gives me insight: if I hurt so badly and I still get to talk to him and skype him (thank God for technology, I don't know how they did it before), what would it be like if I didn't get those things? I feel silly because I cry in my room a lot and then a resident needs me and I pull myself together and act like I'm fine, I guess I've gotten really good at that over the years. It's hard when a lot of other people say we're stupid and crazy for trying the distance, but when you love someone, you'll do whatever it takes. It's also hard because my mom and dad did long distance, Jackie and Andrew did, and Courtney and Thomas did. I know, I know, believe me, Bobby and I are not naive in knowing the odds are stacked against us. I cry all the time and it stinks cause I'm reminded of our break up a year ago. If you would have told me a year ago that Bobby and I would break up for 5 months and then get back together, I'd laugh. But here we are, once again trying this distance. We've grown so much in a year, and this time we've truly dedicated our relationship to the Lord. We did fine the last 3 months of the school year last year, but Marietta is much closer to Athens than Gettysburg. I'm reminded how much he and I need to turn to God. He has a greater plan. But man, He's really testing me. I guess this is a reminder of the fact that I need to put a lot more into my relationship with Him. I'm also reminded again of how amazing Taylor is. Yet another year in our 14 year friendship has gone by. We're both suffering broken hearts from distance. We always seem to go through phases together. I can't wait to see what this 15th year has in store for me and Tay.
For now...
blessings and love.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Going Back in Time
So, tonight I randomly decided to look at some of my old albums on Facebook (basically, I got really bored of the RHNY reunion). Anyway, despite Facebook's creepiness at times it is kind of a nice way to reminisce, at least for me, on "old times." Yes, I know I'm 19, which qualifies me as still being a kid, but oh well. Once I got over the "wow, I was so skinny my first 3 years of high school" shock, I noticed something...a few of the girls that I was "best friends" with my freshman year of high school removed their tags of pictures of us. Really? OK, I know, it's Facebook, and being friends with someone on Facebook is like shaking their hand, but honestly, just because we're not friends you have to un-tag yourself from pictures? It wasn't like we had a big fight, we just kind of drifted. But I digress...
For me, it was kind of fun to leave myself tagged in stupid pictures. Facebook has the function where on the right side of the screen it will show you old pictures of your friends, and my wonderful hallmates and I had endless hours of entertainment this past year laughing at each other and the "mirror pics" we used to take, and laughing at the pictures that were funny at the time but now just look dumb. Looking through the old pictures reminded me of various stages of my life. There are pictures that I look at and think "I was so uncomfortable with that group of people" and pictures that bring a smile to my face because I remember the late night sleepovers with some of the sweetest girls I've ever known. It's nice to kind of look back and remember how close you were with certain people. There's a magnet on my fridge at home that someone gave to my mom and it says "friends are the family you choose for yourself," and it's so true. I can look at all of those pictures and remember what distinctly drew me to that person in the picture with me. Even though we're not best friends anymore, some of the people I don't talk to, some I just keep their numbers in my phone for "just in case," and some I do try to catch up with every once in a while, and some I'm still good friends with, I know they were in my life for some specific purpose. Even though neither of us realized it, I needed them at one point and they needed me. I'm so grateful for every moment of my life, be it good, bad, or ugly, because it made me who I am.
For me, it was kind of fun to leave myself tagged in stupid pictures. Facebook has the function where on the right side of the screen it will show you old pictures of your friends, and my wonderful hallmates and I had endless hours of entertainment this past year laughing at each other and the "mirror pics" we used to take, and laughing at the pictures that were funny at the time but now just look dumb. Looking through the old pictures reminded me of various stages of my life. There are pictures that I look at and think "I was so uncomfortable with that group of people" and pictures that bring a smile to my face because I remember the late night sleepovers with some of the sweetest girls I've ever known. It's nice to kind of look back and remember how close you were with certain people. There's a magnet on my fridge at home that someone gave to my mom and it says "friends are the family you choose for yourself," and it's so true. I can look at all of those pictures and remember what distinctly drew me to that person in the picture with me. Even though we're not best friends anymore, some of the people I don't talk to, some I just keep their numbers in my phone for "just in case," and some I do try to catch up with every once in a while, and some I'm still good friends with, I know they were in my life for some specific purpose. Even though neither of us realized it, I needed them at one point and they needed me. I'm so grateful for every moment of my life, be it good, bad, or ugly, because it made me who I am.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Arrogance and Christianity
So this morning at church our preacher gave a very interesting sermon on arrogance and Christianity. He started out by turning to scripture, Matthew 20:20-28, where the mother of two of the disciples asks Jesus to have one of her sons sit at His right and the other at His left. Jesus asks if they can drink from the same cup He does and of course they answer "yes". This is the first display of arrogance in this scripture. The next one comes when the other 10 disciples get angry. Jesus quickly humbles them by gathering all 12 together and telling them that to be first, they must be slaves to others. To be served, you must serve. I know how silly this may seem, but I'm always struck with how wise Jesus is. The arrogance of the 2 disciples quickly passed to the other 10 by them standing there and thinking, "how dare they? We would never act that way," but in actuality, they're acting the exact same way. The pastor then asked us a question, "Are you, as a Christian, more arrogant now that you've found Jesus than you were before you knew Him?" Wow. In that question lies what I believe to be why so many people dislike Christianity.
As a college student, we are all guilty of the same type of arrogance as the 10 disciples. Someone asks a "dumb" question and we all think "I would never ask a question like that." But that's being arrogant. We're looking down on someone thinking we're better. As Christians we do this a lot. Because we know we will be redeemed for our sins, we feel it's OK to look at, and possibly point out, the sins of others. In reality, this is not OK. Jesus, the one person to ever walk the earth that was perfect and didn't sin, didn't judge us for our sins. How can we, as Christians, point out the sins of others when Jesus didn't even do that? Of course people would have a bad taste in their mouth about Christianity after witnessing behavior like that. Some of my friends refer to them as "the God Squad." They're the people who separate themselves from the kids who drink or party. We shouldn't separate ourselves, we should be with them. Jesus didn't spend all of His time with Christians; He spent His time with people who needed Him. We need to stop being so arrogant and realize that we're just like everyone else. Yes, our faith separates us from others because we believe, but we're all sinners, we're all God's children.
This leads me to my goal of this year: To stop being so arrogant. I'm no better than anyone else.
As a college student, we are all guilty of the same type of arrogance as the 10 disciples. Someone asks a "dumb" question and we all think "I would never ask a question like that." But that's being arrogant. We're looking down on someone thinking we're better. As Christians we do this a lot. Because we know we will be redeemed for our sins, we feel it's OK to look at, and possibly point out, the sins of others. In reality, this is not OK. Jesus, the one person to ever walk the earth that was perfect and didn't sin, didn't judge us for our sins. How can we, as Christians, point out the sins of others when Jesus didn't even do that? Of course people would have a bad taste in their mouth about Christianity after witnessing behavior like that. Some of my friends refer to them as "the God Squad." They're the people who separate themselves from the kids who drink or party. We shouldn't separate ourselves, we should be with them. Jesus didn't spend all of His time with Christians; He spent His time with people who needed Him. We need to stop being so arrogant and realize that we're just like everyone else. Yes, our faith separates us from others because we believe, but we're all sinners, we're all God's children.
This leads me to my goal of this year: To stop being so arrogant. I'm no better than anyone else.
Monday, July 11, 2011
3 Weeks
So, I'm basically the worst blogger ever...but who really reads this anyway?
I came home this summer so reluctant to leave Athens, and now I'm reluctant to leave Marietta. 3 weeks from today I'll be moving back to Athens, but it a different dorm, in a room alone, and on a hall alone for a week until my residents move in. Needless to say, I'm pretty scared. I'm excited an anxious to start this new adventure, and I can't wait to find out who my residents are. I'm very lucky that my friend Robin will be working in the same Residence Hall (that's the official word, I used dorm earlier and that's bad), and Nadgey will be across the courtyard. I don't handle change well, and this new school year will bring about a lot of change. It's funny really, me not handling change well, because does that mean I don't handle life well? Isn't that what life is, change? I'm also very anxious about Bobby leaving for PN. Hopefully he'll be able to squeeze in an Athens visit before he leaves.
Mostly, I CANNOT believe how quickly the summer flew by. It was great having Thomas, Courtney, and Robby here for 3 weeks. Having all 4 of us girls together is so much fun. The dynamic is much different now with the little ones, now Kristy and I are the only ones to stay up past 10. I love my sweet little nephew so much (but he won't be my only nephew for long, Jackie and Andrew are expecting a little boy in November!!!). It was so hard to see them off at the airport. They went to Germany and will be making a stop here for 48 hours before they head back to CA, so really the next time I see him will be Christmas and G's 90th. And of course it's been so great to spend so much time with Caroline. It's weird that I'll have 2 nephews and 1 niece...looks like the Rivard women might be outnumbered soon, yikes! Robby and Caroline are always the highlights of any day I get to see them. Watching them grow and become "real" people with "real" personalities is amazing. God never ceases to amaze me.
Just thinking about going back to Athens makes me anxious. Although, this is very different than last year, last year I was a wreck, this year it's bittersweet. I am SO excited to see my friends again. Classes...eh. Bobby keeps telling me to live in the moment and take it one day at a time. I know I shouldn't be anxious because God already has a plan for me and all I need to do is pray that I follow it, but I'm still anxious. My motto for now is Phil. 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
I came home this summer so reluctant to leave Athens, and now I'm reluctant to leave Marietta. 3 weeks from today I'll be moving back to Athens, but it a different dorm, in a room alone, and on a hall alone for a week until my residents move in. Needless to say, I'm pretty scared. I'm excited an anxious to start this new adventure, and I can't wait to find out who my residents are. I'm very lucky that my friend Robin will be working in the same Residence Hall (that's the official word, I used dorm earlier and that's bad), and Nadgey will be across the courtyard. I don't handle change well, and this new school year will bring about a lot of change. It's funny really, me not handling change well, because does that mean I don't handle life well? Isn't that what life is, change? I'm also very anxious about Bobby leaving for PN. Hopefully he'll be able to squeeze in an Athens visit before he leaves.
Mostly, I CANNOT believe how quickly the summer flew by. It was great having Thomas, Courtney, and Robby here for 3 weeks. Having all 4 of us girls together is so much fun. The dynamic is much different now with the little ones, now Kristy and I are the only ones to stay up past 10. I love my sweet little nephew so much (but he won't be my only nephew for long, Jackie and Andrew are expecting a little boy in November!!!). It was so hard to see them off at the airport. They went to Germany and will be making a stop here for 48 hours before they head back to CA, so really the next time I see him will be Christmas and G's 90th. And of course it's been so great to spend so much time with Caroline. It's weird that I'll have 2 nephews and 1 niece...looks like the Rivard women might be outnumbered soon, yikes! Robby and Caroline are always the highlights of any day I get to see them. Watching them grow and become "real" people with "real" personalities is amazing. God never ceases to amaze me.
Just thinking about going back to Athens makes me anxious. Although, this is very different than last year, last year I was a wreck, this year it's bittersweet. I am SO excited to see my friends again. Classes...eh. Bobby keeps telling me to live in the moment and take it one day at a time. I know I shouldn't be anxious because God already has a plan for me and all I need to do is pray that I follow it, but I'm still anxious. My motto for now is Phil. 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
When You're Best Isn't Good Enough
Do you ever feel like your best isn't good enough? I know I do.
When I was younger, and would come home with a grade that was less than what I'd expected, my mom would ask me, "Did you do your best?" If the answer was yes she would reply with, "Well then, that's all I can ask of you, and that grade was well deserved." If the answer was no, she would reply with, "well then, luckily there's next time, and that grade is what you deserved."
We're taught that what we put in to something is what we will get out. The Bible even says that what you sow is what you will reap. So then why, when I'm emotionally exhausted from trying to be my best, I feel like I'm not good enough? No matter what I do, I don't get any credit. I try to put others before myself, but still, not good enough.
Back to the Bible reference, perhaps it's because I'm focusing more on my earthly relationships than my one with God. This year in college I completely transformed my relationship with the Lord. I prayed continuously and read my bible every night, not out of obligation, but because I craved that relationship. I surrounded myself with lovers of the Lord, and felt His presence all the time. Now, many months later, opening my bible seems like such a chore. Does that make me a back Christian? I feel so much better when I do, so why am I so lazy? I guess my question to those of you who read this (if anyone does) is, Have you ever been in this position? Where you feel a lull in your relationship with the Lord? My views haven't changed, I still love the Lord with all my heart, and I try to live my life according to His purpose, but I just feel so...disconnected, I guess. The easy answer is to stop being lazy and pick up my bible, but practicing that isn't easy. So what do I do? Have you ever felt disconnected? What did you do to get that back?
When I was younger, and would come home with a grade that was less than what I'd expected, my mom would ask me, "Did you do your best?" If the answer was yes she would reply with, "Well then, that's all I can ask of you, and that grade was well deserved." If the answer was no, she would reply with, "well then, luckily there's next time, and that grade is what you deserved."
We're taught that what we put in to something is what we will get out. The Bible even says that what you sow is what you will reap. So then why, when I'm emotionally exhausted from trying to be my best, I feel like I'm not good enough? No matter what I do, I don't get any credit. I try to put others before myself, but still, not good enough.
Back to the Bible reference, perhaps it's because I'm focusing more on my earthly relationships than my one with God. This year in college I completely transformed my relationship with the Lord. I prayed continuously and read my bible every night, not out of obligation, but because I craved that relationship. I surrounded myself with lovers of the Lord, and felt His presence all the time. Now, many months later, opening my bible seems like such a chore. Does that make me a back Christian? I feel so much better when I do, so why am I so lazy? I guess my question to those of you who read this (if anyone does) is, Have you ever been in this position? Where you feel a lull in your relationship with the Lord? My views haven't changed, I still love the Lord with all my heart, and I try to live my life according to His purpose, but I just feel so...disconnected, I guess. The easy answer is to stop being lazy and pick up my bible, but practicing that isn't easy. So what do I do? Have you ever felt disconnected? What did you do to get that back?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
This One's for the Girls
If you're a boy...you might want to stop reading, this will bore you.
It's not easy being a girl. Oh, they've told us that since we were little, right? Yet, we try to deny it. If you're a boy who's continued reading this, yes, once a month we get crabby, feel like Shamoo at SeaWorld, and want a lot of chocolate. You know what I'm talking about, you (as a guy) dread that time almost as much as we do. BUT you easily avoid your girlfriend/mom/sister/friend, etc. That's not the point of this post any way. As a girl, we're always "too" something. Too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat, too voluptuous, too un-voluptuous (yes, I made it a word), too emotional, too unemotional, too sensitive, too nice, too mean, and on and on. As women, we're genetically programmed to people please (and if you're the kind of girl who isn't, I applaud you). We say yes to everyone who asks for our help, we bite off more than we can chew. In our concern for other people's feelings, we swallow our stress, anxiety, and sadness and move on. We spend so much time taking care of others. I'm overwhelmed and I'm 18, don't have a real job, am not married, and don't have children (If you're married or a mom, I'm sorry that this seems whiny because I don't actually know anything about the real world or truly taking care of others, this I know). Today was one of those days where I broke down. I've been really stressed out an anxious lately and today it hit the fan. I snapped at Bobby, and God bless that boy for bearing the brunt of my emotional break down. To the girls reading this...it's ok. It's ok to be imperfect, it's ok to break down, and it's ok to ask for help. Sometimes life gets a little out of hand. Sometimes we have to curl up in a ball, watch chick flicks, and cry your eyes out. Just please please please remember that you're not alone. Someone in this world is thinking of you. God loves you. Isn't is amazing to think that the Creator of the universe created you with something certain in mind? He meticulously planned every part of you, and planned the person you'd be. Even though today was a rough day, I praise Him. I'm still learning to praise Him in the bad times. But because of this bad time, the next one won't seem so bad.
Here's a shout out to Carey McKay...I named this blog for you : ]
It's not easy being a girl. Oh, they've told us that since we were little, right? Yet, we try to deny it. If you're a boy who's continued reading this, yes, once a month we get crabby, feel like Shamoo at SeaWorld, and want a lot of chocolate. You know what I'm talking about, you (as a guy) dread that time almost as much as we do. BUT you easily avoid your girlfriend/mom/sister/friend, etc. That's not the point of this post any way. As a girl, we're always "too" something. Too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat, too voluptuous, too un-voluptuous (yes, I made it a word), too emotional, too unemotional, too sensitive, too nice, too mean, and on and on. As women, we're genetically programmed to people please (and if you're the kind of girl who isn't, I applaud you). We say yes to everyone who asks for our help, we bite off more than we can chew. In our concern for other people's feelings, we swallow our stress, anxiety, and sadness and move on. We spend so much time taking care of others. I'm overwhelmed and I'm 18, don't have a real job, am not married, and don't have children (If you're married or a mom, I'm sorry that this seems whiny because I don't actually know anything about the real world or truly taking care of others, this I know). Today was one of those days where I broke down. I've been really stressed out an anxious lately and today it hit the fan. I snapped at Bobby, and God bless that boy for bearing the brunt of my emotional break down. To the girls reading this...it's ok. It's ok to be imperfect, it's ok to break down, and it's ok to ask for help. Sometimes life gets a little out of hand. Sometimes we have to curl up in a ball, watch chick flicks, and cry your eyes out. Just please please please remember that you're not alone. Someone in this world is thinking of you. God loves you. Isn't is amazing to think that the Creator of the universe created you with something certain in mind? He meticulously planned every part of you, and planned the person you'd be. Even though today was a rough day, I praise Him. I'm still learning to praise Him in the bad times. But because of this bad time, the next one won't seem so bad.
Here's a shout out to Carey McKay...I named this blog for you : ]
Monday, May 9, 2011
The End of a Chapter
It's funny...how much life changes. It takes you for a roller coaster of a ride, but yet you stand grateful for every minute of it. That's how I feel about the end of my freshman year of college. As I said in a previous post, I wanted to go to Furman. I came kicking and screaming to UGA. My transition to college life sucked, to say the least. I didn't drink, I didn't party, and I had a boyfriend at home. Yea, I'm a goody-goody, but it's who I am. I thought I couldn't hang out with people who weren't like me. So I came to college and found myself having many lonely nights. Then, my boyfriend broke up with me. And going through your first broken heart away from home is awful (we're together now, again, life is funny in a twisted way). I didn't know the girls on my hall, I barely knew my roommate, and I felt alone in a sea of 34,000+ people. I cried my mom all the time begging her to take me home. I'd transfer to KSU and live at home. She told me no, and she said I had to finish out the year, then we'd talk. Obviously, God had a VERY different plan for my life. I joined the Christian sorority, and made God the center of my life. I fell madly in love with a man named Jesus Christ. Suddenly, even the bad days weren't that bad. I started hanging out with the girls on my hall, the girls I now will love forever. Yes, I'm still a goody-goody, and always will be, but I branched out of my comfort zone. I took baby-step risks, and don't regret a minute of my freshman year. I grew to LOVE my roommate, and realized how freakishly alike we truly are. As Nadgey (my roommate) and I spent our last few night in college with mattresses on the floor (our room has been empty since Saturday), I reflected on this past year. I'm grateful for every minute. Every minute I was sad, angry, agitated, stressed, anxious, laughing, crying, ecstatic, you name the feeling, I'm grateful for it. I've grown so much in the 10 months I've been in college, and I've seen growth in those around me. God truly does do what's best.
To my roommate, Nadgey~
I love you. You're moving out of our room right now and I'm currently in the study lounge to get out of the way. I'm tearing up as I write this. Thank you. For everything. You watched me cry many times in the beginning of the year, and even though we barely knew each other, you helped me when I was down. Thank you for the late night talks, for the sleep-talking conversations, for naming my body pillow Mac-Daddy, for all the SVU marathons, for the endless nights of cuddling, for introducing me to cup-o-noodles, for the endless laughter, for helping me study, for watching Bethenny, for putting up with my stress-ridden anxiety freak outs, for loving me like a sister. Thank you. This year wouldn't have been the same without you. You'll always be my best and favorite roommate. I know there will be many times during RA training in August where we will call each other freaking out. I know we will vent to each other again next year, and I look oh so forward to it.
I could say a million and ten cheesy things about my freshman year ending, but I'll spare you. We all just need to remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason, and that we will be ok. God loves us, carry on.
To my roommate, Nadgey~
I love you. You're moving out of our room right now and I'm currently in the study lounge to get out of the way. I'm tearing up as I write this. Thank you. For everything. You watched me cry many times in the beginning of the year, and even though we barely knew each other, you helped me when I was down. Thank you for the late night talks, for the sleep-talking conversations, for naming my body pillow Mac-Daddy, for all the SVU marathons, for the endless nights of cuddling, for introducing me to cup-o-noodles, for the endless laughter, for helping me study, for watching Bethenny, for putting up with my stress-ridden anxiety freak outs, for loving me like a sister. Thank you. This year wouldn't have been the same without you. You'll always be my best and favorite roommate. I know there will be many times during RA training in August where we will call each other freaking out. I know we will vent to each other again next year, and I look oh so forward to it.
I could say a million and ten cheesy things about my freshman year ending, but I'll spare you. We all just need to remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason, and that we will be ok. God loves us, carry on.
6 North Love Forever <3
Friday, May 6, 2011
You're My Person
So, I know I epically fail at the 30 Day Blog Challenge, sorry about that. (Who am I kidding? You probably don't care!)
So, being the incredible student that I am, spent this past week watching old Grey's Anatomy episodes on my brother-in-law's Netflix account. Yes, Jackie, I have actually done some studying despite what your account says. Anyway, I watched Season 2, Episode 1, tonight. At the end of the episode, Christina tells Meredith that she's "her person." Yes, I'm extremely cheesy, and teared up. I just couldn't help thinking about all the people in my life who could be "my person." The one I could call at 4 in the morning because I had a bad dream, the one I could call anytime, anywhere, and they'd know by the sound of my voice that it was time to get in the car and come to me. The one I've laughed until I've cried with. You know, the one. I'm been very blessed in my life to always have amazing friends. Yes, some friends have left me high and dry, but they obviously weren't "my person." As I sit there watching this episode, (alone on a Friday night...needless to say I'm one of the un-lucky few who got a cold in May and my Friday night plans got cancelled for me) I realize that I have so many people who are "my people." Maybe I'm just nostalgic because it's the end of my freshman year and it's so bittersweet, but I am eternally blessed. I have more than one person to call "my person." A friend of mine is going through a rough time, and transitioning between friends. We were extremely close through our last two years of high school, and have drifted somewhat in our first year of college. However, she called me this past week because she was having a rough night. She was very upset and I found myself reminiscing about all the times we used to do that. It made me think of all the times we'd texted each other random song lyrics, how we talked constantly, and how we were joined at the hip. I'm not sure what changed, but we've both grown, and not necessarily together. All these memories came flooding back with one phone call. For years of my life she was "my person." So what happened? I honestly don't know. One thing became apparent though...she never stopped being my person. She needed me, and she called me. It meant so much. Despite our growing apart, I know I can still pick up the phone any time, any where and call her, and she'll drop everything and come to where I am. I'd do the same for her. Friendships change, but when you find "your person," they never stop being that person.
Who's your person?
So, being the incredible student that I am, spent this past week watching old Grey's Anatomy episodes on my brother-in-law's Netflix account. Yes, Jackie, I have actually done some studying despite what your account says. Anyway, I watched Season 2, Episode 1, tonight. At the end of the episode, Christina tells Meredith that she's "her person." Yes, I'm extremely cheesy, and teared up. I just couldn't help thinking about all the people in my life who could be "my person." The one I could call at 4 in the morning because I had a bad dream, the one I could call anytime, anywhere, and they'd know by the sound of my voice that it was time to get in the car and come to me. The one I've laughed until I've cried with. You know, the one. I'm been very blessed in my life to always have amazing friends. Yes, some friends have left me high and dry, but they obviously weren't "my person." As I sit there watching this episode, (alone on a Friday night...needless to say I'm one of the un-lucky few who got a cold in May and my Friday night plans got cancelled for me) I realize that I have so many people who are "my people." Maybe I'm just nostalgic because it's the end of my freshman year and it's so bittersweet, but I am eternally blessed. I have more than one person to call "my person." A friend of mine is going through a rough time, and transitioning between friends. We were extremely close through our last two years of high school, and have drifted somewhat in our first year of college. However, she called me this past week because she was having a rough night. She was very upset and I found myself reminiscing about all the times we used to do that. It made me think of all the times we'd texted each other random song lyrics, how we talked constantly, and how we were joined at the hip. I'm not sure what changed, but we've both grown, and not necessarily together. All these memories came flooding back with one phone call. For years of my life she was "my person." So what happened? I honestly don't know. One thing became apparent though...she never stopped being my person. She needed me, and she called me. It meant so much. Despite our growing apart, I know I can still pick up the phone any time, any where and call her, and she'll drop everything and come to where I am. I'd do the same for her. Friendships change, but when you find "your person," they never stop being that person.
Who's your person?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
May 1, 2011
This will be another one of those days in my life where I'll look back and think, "I remember where i was when
." Today, that blank is filled with "when Osama bin Laden died." I'm sure I'm going to offend some people with this blog, and I don't mean to at all. It is completely justifiable for you to have your own opinions. This is a blog, obviously I am NOT an informed politician.
Osama bin Laden is dead.
How great is it to say those words?
Here's where I'm probably going to offend some of you, and again, I'm sorry.
Yes, this is a HUGE event for the US, but what about the millions of Americans affected by those 9/11 attacks? What about the millions world-wide who were affected by the actions of this man? What about the thousands of troops who have spent 10 years trying to find this man? Those who've lost loved ones in this war? What about the intelligence agents who captured and executed him? Today, these millions of people receive peace. The fight to find the man responsible for a decade worth of heartbreak, tears, hard work, and so much more is finally dead. Praise the Lord. Let us not forget to pray for those who still struggle with affects of this one man. Justice is hear. Praise the Lord.
I remember where I was...do you?
." Today, that blank is filled with "when Osama bin Laden died." I'm sure I'm going to offend some people with this blog, and I don't mean to at all. It is completely justifiable for you to have your own opinions. This is a blog, obviously I am NOT an informed politician.
Osama bin Laden is dead.
How great is it to say those words?
Here's where I'm probably going to offend some of you, and again, I'm sorry.
Yes, this is a HUGE event for the US, but what about the millions of Americans affected by those 9/11 attacks? What about the millions world-wide who were affected by the actions of this man? What about the thousands of troops who have spent 10 years trying to find this man? Those who've lost loved ones in this war? What about the intelligence agents who captured and executed him? Today, these millions of people receive peace. The fight to find the man responsible for a decade worth of heartbreak, tears, hard work, and so much more is finally dead. Praise the Lord. Let us not forget to pray for those who still struggle with affects of this one man. Justice is hear. Praise the Lord.
I remember where I was...do you?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Day 11
Day 11: Your Siblings
Ok, I know it's been a long time, but I've been super busy : ]
Courtney: Courtney is my oldest sister, 11 years older to be exact. One of my favorite memories with Courtney are when she used to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" to me when I was little. It wasn't until I was writing my speech for her wedding and was going to include that song tid bit that I realized many of the words were wrong. Either way, I still sing the wrong lyrics. Courtney went to college when I was I was 7, and I tormented her for it. Our age gap has gotten smaller since I've gotten older. She went to Emory University and is currently a graduate student getting her PhD. Courtney is now married to Thomas, and they have a son, Robby, who is a little over 3 months old.
Kristy: Kristy is the second oldest, 8 years older, and works for a company in Atlanta. Kristy taught me to do hair, which my hall-mates appreciate, as do I. Kristy graduated from Vanderbilt and lives in Atlanta. I used to love when Kristy would come home from college and we would have movie nights and get junk food. Just today I was remembering one night when it was just Kristy and I in the house, I think my mom was out of town. Any way, we got frozen corn dogs and cheese sticks. That was one of my favorite dinners.
Jackie: Jackie is the third oldest, and is 7 years older than me. Jackie and I have the same sense of humor, and share our addiction to reality TV. She's the one that got me addicted (I'm giving you credit, Jack!) Jackie went to the University of Tennessee. Much to my dismay, I used to wear that ugly orange : ] Jackie is married to Andrew and they have a daughter, Caroline, who is 15 months old. Jackie and I both share a love for dance, and we often make up tap rhythms and challenge each other in our foyer. Yes, we get bored.
I am sooooo proud of everything my sisters have accomplished. They're my number one icebreaker, I could talk about my sisters for hours. We're all very different, but we love each other just the same. I'm happiest when I'm with my sisters. As wide as the sky...
Ok, I know it's been a long time, but I've been super busy : ]
Courtney: Courtney is my oldest sister, 11 years older to be exact. One of my favorite memories with Courtney are when she used to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" to me when I was little. It wasn't until I was writing my speech for her wedding and was going to include that song tid bit that I realized many of the words were wrong. Either way, I still sing the wrong lyrics. Courtney went to college when I was I was 7, and I tormented her for it. Our age gap has gotten smaller since I've gotten older. She went to Emory University and is currently a graduate student getting her PhD. Courtney is now married to Thomas, and they have a son, Robby, who is a little over 3 months old.
Kristy: Kristy is the second oldest, 8 years older, and works for a company in Atlanta. Kristy taught me to do hair, which my hall-mates appreciate, as do I. Kristy graduated from Vanderbilt and lives in Atlanta. I used to love when Kristy would come home from college and we would have movie nights and get junk food. Just today I was remembering one night when it was just Kristy and I in the house, I think my mom was out of town. Any way, we got frozen corn dogs and cheese sticks. That was one of my favorite dinners.
Jackie: Jackie is the third oldest, and is 7 years older than me. Jackie and I have the same sense of humor, and share our addiction to reality TV. She's the one that got me addicted (I'm giving you credit, Jack!) Jackie went to the University of Tennessee. Much to my dismay, I used to wear that ugly orange : ] Jackie is married to Andrew and they have a daughter, Caroline, who is 15 months old. Jackie and I both share a love for dance, and we often make up tap rhythms and challenge each other in our foyer. Yes, we get bored.
I am sooooo proud of everything my sisters have accomplished. They're my number one icebreaker, I could talk about my sisters for hours. We're all very different, but we love each other just the same. I'm happiest when I'm with my sisters. As wide as the sky...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I am a Christian.
I am a Christian.
Jesus is my Savior.
How sad is it that I say this to people and that "turns them off"? I tell them I'm in Sigma Alpha Omega, the Christian sorority and they think they can't talk to me. Again, how sad? It hurts really, because, if you got to know me, you would know that I'm not like that at all. I'm not judgmental. I used to be in high school. It took me becoming a true believer first semester to realize that I have no room to judge. That's what God does, and even so, He does so out of love.
I am a Christian
I am not a "bible pusher" or someone who sits here telling you you'll burn in the firey pits of hell. I will not thrust my beliefs on you or belittle you with what I believe. If you come to me, I will gladly show you my heart. I will tell you that some of my best friends drink and do "other non-Christian" things. Do I love them any less? NO.
I am a Christian.
I struggle with following God's word. I'm NOT perfect. I let a bad word slip, I gossip, I watch shows (reality tv) that does nothing for me. I don't turn to the bible when I should. I don't always glorify Him. Yet, I'm still a Christian. God is merciful. He forgives.
I am a Christian.
I have bible verses in my room. I'm sorry if they make you uncomfortable, I truly am, but they remind me of who I am. I will NOT apologize for who I am and what I believe.
I am a Christian.
I go to college, which means I spend the majority of my day with non-believers.
Today, someone made a jab at me for what I believe. Yes, I know we're supposed to love those whom it seems are unlovable, but it's hard! It hurt, because it's not the first time it's happened. No, I don't take it as a joke. It wasn't funny. No one laughed. It hurt. It's not ok. I don't judge others for the way they live their lives, like I said, that's God's job, so please don't judge me. I don't press my beliefs on you, so don't persecute me for my way of life. If you're reading this and someone has "made a joke" about your way of life, stand strong. Especially if you're like me and are being made fun of for religious reasons. We all live in this world. We're all God's children. Be nice. Speak kind words. It's hard, but after today I will remember what it's like to be criticized for my way of life. Jesus is my life.
I am a Christian.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Isn't it AMAZING?
So, this post isn't part of the 30 day challenge, but I'm doing this more to clear my head than anything.
Isn't it amazing? By "it" I mean Christ's love. Since I've come to college I've realized a lot about myself. This shouldn't come as a surprise, college is a big deal. I realized that in high school I lived my life for me. What I wanted, who I wanted to be friends with, the grades I worked for, the school I wanted to go to. How selfish am I? I first realized the world didn't revolve around what I wanted when I found out I couldn't afford Furman. I had my heart set on it, and to hear those words is devastating. I didn't want to go to UGA, I wanted to go to a school like Furman. So, the May 1 deadline approached and I reluctantly sent my deposit to UGA. I pretended I was excited, but I wasn't, I was still upset about Furman. What little did I know. I got to UGA, my high school friends made friends, I was different from those around me, my boyfriend was at home, and I missed my family like crazy. Then I went through my first broken heart. I don't deal with change well, and this was A LOT of change in a short period of time. That's when I realized that I'd been living my life for me, and not for God. God broke me down so He could build me back up. I was what the author Francis Chan calls a "lukewarm" Christian (if you haven't read Crazy Love, I highly suggest you do.) I went to church occasionally, I said my 2 minute prayer every day, I opened my bible when I felt I really needed it (so, maybe once a month I read a chapter). I was judgmental; people who had sex, did drugs, and drank were bad people, I didn't do those things so I was a "good person". But in reality people who did those things weren't any different than me, no sin is greater than another. I realized God is a jealous God, but he is merciful. He took me away from all my comforts so I would turn to Him. I am by NO means worthy of His love, I sin daily, but yet, He forgives me. He has an amazing plan for my life and I don't know it yet. I live for Him, to know His love, to glorify Him, to follow His plan. I open my bible every day because He calls me to do so. I pray constantly because He's placed things on my heart. I've gotten to the point where after months and months of praying, I've gotten everything I want recently. I feel like it's too good to be true because I turned to God when I needed him. But perhaps this is Him showing me that I always need him.
Often when I tell people my beliefs I'm put into the "Christian" category-attempting perfection and judgmental. But no, I'm not perfect, only Jesus is. I try not to judge because I don't want to be judged, but again, I'm not perfect but I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head. When I meet you I won't thrust my beliefs on you, I won't push my bible into your hands, but if you ask me my beliefs I will tell you. My goal is that through my actions I show people that there is not "Christian" category. Christ's love isn't something to be defined or explained, it's something to be felt. When you do find His love it's amazing...simply amazing.
Isn't it amazing? By "it" I mean Christ's love. Since I've come to college I've realized a lot about myself. This shouldn't come as a surprise, college is a big deal. I realized that in high school I lived my life for me. What I wanted, who I wanted to be friends with, the grades I worked for, the school I wanted to go to. How selfish am I? I first realized the world didn't revolve around what I wanted when I found out I couldn't afford Furman. I had my heart set on it, and to hear those words is devastating. I didn't want to go to UGA, I wanted to go to a school like Furman. So, the May 1 deadline approached and I reluctantly sent my deposit to UGA. I pretended I was excited, but I wasn't, I was still upset about Furman. What little did I know. I got to UGA, my high school friends made friends, I was different from those around me, my boyfriend was at home, and I missed my family like crazy. Then I went through my first broken heart. I don't deal with change well, and this was A LOT of change in a short period of time. That's when I realized that I'd been living my life for me, and not for God. God broke me down so He could build me back up. I was what the author Francis Chan calls a "lukewarm" Christian (if you haven't read Crazy Love, I highly suggest you do.) I went to church occasionally, I said my 2 minute prayer every day, I opened my bible when I felt I really needed it (so, maybe once a month I read a chapter). I was judgmental; people who had sex, did drugs, and drank were bad people, I didn't do those things so I was a "good person". But in reality people who did those things weren't any different than me, no sin is greater than another. I realized God is a jealous God, but he is merciful. He took me away from all my comforts so I would turn to Him. I am by NO means worthy of His love, I sin daily, but yet, He forgives me. He has an amazing plan for my life and I don't know it yet. I live for Him, to know His love, to glorify Him, to follow His plan. I open my bible every day because He calls me to do so. I pray constantly because He's placed things on my heart. I've gotten to the point where after months and months of praying, I've gotten everything I want recently. I feel like it's too good to be true because I turned to God when I needed him. But perhaps this is Him showing me that I always need him.
Often when I tell people my beliefs I'm put into the "Christian" category-attempting perfection and judgmental. But no, I'm not perfect, only Jesus is. I try not to judge because I don't want to be judged, but again, I'm not perfect but I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head. When I meet you I won't thrust my beliefs on you, I won't push my bible into your hands, but if you ask me my beliefs I will tell you. My goal is that through my actions I show people that there is not "Christian" category. Christ's love isn't something to be defined or explained, it's something to be felt. When you do find His love it's amazing...simply amazing.
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