Like everyone, I have regrets. One of the biggest things I regret is not experiencing enough in college. I'm not talking the typical "experimenting" some people do, because that's just not my style. I feel like freshman year I went and did things, but when sophomore year rolled around and I was in a long distance relationship I let so many opportunities pass by. Athens is an eclectic city full of music and culture and so many free opportunities to experience those things, and I always said "no." I could come up with any excuse- I had to study, I was working, I didn't feel well, etc. I let excuses define me, instead of experiences.
I've written on here multiple times about how my diagnosis in February of PTSD helped me find freedom, and I can't say it enough. I can't put into words how confusing, frustrating, and infuriating it is to feel like no one understands. When I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), I sometimes felt like I needed to make my anxiety fit into the boxes that describe GAD, rather than the other way around. It hurts to feel like a crazy person, and I did. I didn't understand why change made me lose it, or why I regressed so much when I was upset. I couldn't name my emotions; all I knew was that I felt like a young teenager whenever something big happened. I always felt out of place in my life, and that stinks.
With the PTSD diagnosis I finally felt like my symptoms fit into those "boxes." I relived A LOT this year: being there when my dad died, finding my grandmother the morning she died, losing grandpa, and the other trials and tribulations that come with growing up. In reliving those things I was able to name emotions with the emotional knowledge & understanding of a 24 year old. Reliving these things meant feeling them, and God bless my friends & family for sticking by me.
This year was about saying "yes." I said "yes" to running a half marathon with Jackie-- something I NEVER thought I would do in my lifetime (and truthfully didn't have much of a desire to do). This lead to me realizing I actually enjoy running, and it's something my sister and I can do/talk about together (and complain, whine, etc. : ]). I said "yes" to counseling again, which lead to that freedom of a new diagnosis. I said "yes" to new opportunities at work, which although some didn't work out the way I wanted, I still learned from. I said "yes" to mountain weekends, new scenarios with friends where I only knew 1 person. And finally, I said "yes" to Chicago with my best friends. There is SO much more between those highlights, but they're just the tip of the iceberg.
It breaks my heart to go on social media and see so many people saying how horrible 2016 was and how much they can't wait for it to be over. In some ways, I think losing my dad and suffering that trauma at 6 helped me to realize at a young age that life will suck. It will throw you curveballs and leave you crying in a ball on the floor feeling like you're the size of an ant, but there's also so much good in this life. Terrible things happen every day, but there is comfort in the beauty of a "laughing until you cry" moment, or remembering someone who is gone, in finishing a good book, in sleeping in late. They may be small things, but they're what make this life worth living. They're the things that keep us going for one more day, even when it hurts.
I'm not one for resolutions, but I do believe in goals. A year ago, God put the word "PERSIST" on my heart, and that became my word for the year. I had no idea how much that word would encompass all this year held for me. The word God has placed on my heart for 2017 is "CONFIDENCE," something I'm certainly lacking. I can, however, start 2017 with the confidence in knowing that I can get through whatever this crazy life throws at me.
Smile, God love you!
