Life reflects the heart...

Whoa I'm writing two days in a row?! Why yes, yes I am. In all actuality I'm on duty, can't leave the building, and am avoiding doing my video analysis for my portfolio defense on Monday. And, well, avoiding moping around that I chose this weekend to be on duty when everyone is out having fun and I can't go. But I digress.

I was catching up on a couple of the devotions I missed this last week, and I found one that stuck with me a lot, especially after last night's post. The verse for the day was 

As in water face reflects face, so a man's heart reveals the man.

-Proverbs 27:19

This, paired with the devotion that followed, really struck me. Some of the highlights include:

"The reflection of our heart is seen in our lives as an exact replica. Our lives testify to what is in our heart."

"How someone lives reveals to you the things they hold dear in their heart."

I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago with my good friend Elisabeth; we were catching up over coffee and updating each other on our lives. She told me a story about a woman that she works with. She said that this woman curses a lot and is anything but pleasant to her coworkers. Elisabeth said it's a known thing to avoid her. Anyway, this woman wasn't at work one day and was apparently at a church function, and coworkers said the woman was heavily involved in her church. Elisabeth explained her shock to me and then had an alarming thought that I think a lot of Christians face at one time or another- "Are people shocked when they learn that I love Jesus?" I think the fact that Elisabeth and I (and many of my friends) can talk about Jesus and our love of God in public, that we aren't afraid to pray over our meals, etc., reveals that we certainly aren't ashamed in our faith, but are people shocked when they learn that I have a heart for the Lord?

A heart for the Lord.

Is that evident in the way I act towards others? When people meet me or interact with me is there something different about me? I've interacted with several people that I just knew from the minute they stepped in the room that they were Christians. I could tell by the way they introduced themselves and by the kindness they immediately showed to others. Then one way or another this would be confirmed either in something they or someone else said. I wasn't surprised. 

When I was going through my depression last year I prayed so much that God's light would shine before me and that when people met me they would see something different, but that it wouldn't be me they would see, but God. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was from a resident last year; she said that in my email welcoming the residents to the hall she could tell I was a Christian. An email?! Talk about something impersonal, but she said she could just tell. 

My fear is that I've lost that "sparkle." Not because God isn't glowing within me, but am I allowing it to shine through me? Am I allowing His love to shine through my insecurities? Through my shortcomings? Am I boasting in my weaknesses to bring Him all the more glory? I can say that honestly, at times, no. 

I want people to look at me and see Jesus. I don't want others to be surprised when they see my SAO letters or the cross engraved in my ring. I want the cross engraved on my heart so that when they see me they see love, forgiveness, honesty, kindness, and friendship. I want them to see a goodness in me- a purity in my heart for God. But the goodness is not of myself- it's of the Holy Spirit and the fact that daily I surrender my heart to God's will and walk with the faith that He is in control. I ask that those of you reading this help keep me accountable to the things I pray for.

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace,seasoned with salt, so you may know how to answer everyone.

-Colossians 4:5-7

Smile, God loves you! 

Contemporary Christianity

This is more of a thought rant post...but then again, what post isn't. So there's this adorable church in Athens that always has a fantastic pumpkin patch every year. Personally, I don't know anyone who attends that church (at least that I know of, but you never know being in a sorority with 130 Christian women), but I have nothing to base this off of other than the sign that's at the front of their church. For the longest time this summer and early fall it read "Contemporary Christianity in the Classic City" (for those of you that don't know, Athens is called the "Classic City"). So I'm sure what they meant by this had more to do with contemporary music, but it brought a thought to my mind every time I drove past it...

What exactly is "contemporary" Christianity? 

With Christmas just around the corner, we know that Christianity has been around for awhile, so what does it mean to be "contemporary"? I think of contemporary dance which is kind of like a cross between ballet, lyrical, and jazz. If the Bible is God's Holy Word, then how can we live according to the Bible and be contemporary? Then it kind of hit me: We live as contemporary Christians each and every time we justify our sins. 

We live in a fallen world. It's the truth. And our world screams of sin- just turn on the TV or radio or walk into a bookstore- the temptation of sin is everywhere. Because of this, it is so easy to justify the sins that we commit. "I can vote and die for my country at 18 so it's ok for me to drink even though it's illegal." "The Bible was written thousands of years ago- they just didn't know how hard it is to abstain from sex, so it's OK if I do it." "Everyone on TV tears each other down and they're famous and make a lot of money, so it's OK for me to do that, too." "My parents are just so old they have no idea what they're talking about, so I'll snap and be rude and that's OK." And the list goes on and on and on... 

Please hear me out- I have made many of these justifications for my behavior in my life and the sins I commit. It took falling into my deep pit of depression for me to realize just how much I justified my behavior, and I catch myself doing it every day. I think it's when we stop realizing how many justifications that we make that we fall into this trap of "contemporary."

To me, contemporary means current, or up-to-date. We, as Christians, were meant to live lives above reproach. In a world full of justifications, it's up to us to make sure we don't become contemporary. To say that people in the time the Bible was written didn't have temptations is ridiculous. I think it was just last year when I was sitting in an SAO Bible study when one of my sisters brought up the fact that Jesus was a young man- I'm sure he definitely struggled with living above reproach when women approached him. Jesus is the ideal because he resisted the temptations. He went to his Father, first and foremost. He wasn't immune to sin, he just refused to succumb to it. And if we're meant to be Christ-like in how we live our lives every day, we, too, should go to the Father when we are tempted. When we find ourselves justifying our actions (which we undoubtedly will), we ask for forgiveness. The glory? He forgives us tenfold, and then our sins are as far as the east is from the west. 

All I know is that I want to be anything but contemporary.

For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity. - Proverbs 24:16

Smile, God loves you!

Busy Bee

I used to think I was busy, yet I still had so much time to watch seasons and seasons of old TV shows on Netflix. But if you ask Jackie she will tell you I still watch a lot of Netflix (thanks to her account), but now I watch TV shows while I grade papers, or make lesson plans, or create presentations. Now I laugh at how "busy" I used to be. Just earlier this week I had someone complaining to me because they "had been going non-stop since 9:30 am," and this was 6:30pm. It took everything in me to not say, "Oh really? I've been going since 5 am and I'm on duty right now and I go on my last round at midnight and won't go to bed until 1 am and then have to get up at 5 again tomorrow, so please, tell me how tired you are." But I didn't, I smiled and said that I understood and hoped they got some rest. I need to recognize that others are still busier than me, and everyone has a different level of "busy" that they can handle.

One thing I've realized- HOW ON EARTH DO ADULTS DO IT?! I can't imagine having a family to come home to, children to pick up after work, making a meal for multiple people, helping with homework, actually spending quality time with kids and a significant other. I'm exhausted and I don't have any of that. I can barely keep poor Gatsby, my fish, alive, and I mostly survive off of frozen chicken fingers and PB&J sandwiches. Add to that that kids have extracurricular activities and then to even think about how my mom did it as a single parent...phew!

I told my mom on the phone last night that this adult thing is no joke. I am grateful though that UGA allows me to have one foot in the door to adulthood, because I can definitely see how people become shocked and depressed after graduating from college. I'm sure my depression may flair up with the change because that's one of my triggers, but at least I know what it's like to go to bed at 9 and wake up at 5- that in and of itself is a lot to get used to.

This last week was a big week for me because it was my Multi Day Teach where I planned the whole week and got evaluated. Let's just say I cried at the end of the day on Monday because it was so bad. The kids would just not listen to me, I had to be the "bad cop," and to a group of 15 year old boys everything I said about the Holocaust was a sexual innuendo. Thank goodness Ansley came to Athens Monday night for SAO founder's Day and made me feel a lot better. Tuesday, the day of my formal observation, could not have gone better though! Praise the Lord! I do realize the importance of flexibility while teaching, though. We got so far behind in a novel that I ended up having to teach from that and basically make everything up the morning of, but I'll get to teach the original stuff I had planned this coming week. I'm very blessed to have such a great MT who lets me do my own thing! By the time Thursday rolled around I was so tired I just stared into space while sitting on my futon for 15 minutes. And all I did this weekend was sleep but I'm still exhausted. Needless to say, I am VERY ready for Thanksgiving next week. I can't wait to spend time with all of my little chickadees and get some much needed rest (that is until a little blonde girl that I share a room with says, "Toria! It's morning time!). I just can't wait to see Caroline, Robby, Drew, Jacob, and Olivia and hear their sweet giggles and smiles!!! Spending time with them really puts things into perspective. 

I've realized that not every day will be a good teaching day. And I will cry some days (but NEVER in front of the children, as my MT says). That is OK- it's normal even. But at the end of the day I can gladly say that God is still good. I've been working a lot lately on thanking God for all of my blessings. I'm reading a book by Ann Voskamp called A Thousand Gifts, and it's really changed the way I look at things. She emphasizes the importance of praising God in the bad times. So on Monday I cried to my mom on the phone, and then thanked God for a kind mommy, the drive back to Athens, crunchy leaves, a free meal, and the sunset that I got to witness. At the end of every day, God is still good.

Smile, God loves you!

Cravings

I should really be getting ready for bed, but right now there are too many things on my heart and mind to go to bed. Today was a good day- a really good day. I'm exhausted, as usual, but who isn't?

You all know how crazy life has been lately, but let's be honest, I thrive on being busy because it gives me less time to be inside of my head. A couple of weeks ago things were not so good- I wasn't sleeping, I was super anxious all of the time, and I could feel my old enemy named depression creeping back up again. I defeated it though (for now). I've been so good about having my quiet time, and man, am I a better person when I spend an amount of time with my undivided attention focused on God. It's not enough time, but it's the time I've dedicated each day. It really helps calm me down. I've gotten to that point again where I crave that quiet time with the Lord. It also helps that in my journal I write down my praises for the day- it consists of everything from a roof over my head to a sweet text a friend sent me. I also praise throughout the day, and it's funny- the more I praise God and all He's given me, the happier I am. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, it's when I choose to find joy in things that I truly find joy in them. Joy isn't some destination that we will one day reach, joy is here. It's now. It's a choice. 

I listen to 104.7 the Fish on my drive to school on Mondays and Wednesdays- I really like Kevin and Taylor in the morning. Anyway, about a month ago they had an interview with UGA Head Football coach Mark Richt, who is known for being a very strong Christian man, and his son. They asked Richt's son what it was like when his dad was ridiculed, and his son replied that he got more upset and offended by what others said that his dad did. He said he'd had the opportunity to watch his dad reveal who he truly was, and where his worth really lay. Kevin then asked Mark Richt to clarify, and his comment has really stuck with me. Mark Richt said that when people criticize him, they're not going after him, they're going after Georgia's head football coach. When they praise him, they're praising Georgia's head football coach. He said that no matter how mean people are, how cruel they are, what they say, he can turn away from it because he knows where his worth lies- in Jesus Christ. 

I literally sat in the car with chills up and down my arms. This may seem silly that a football coach saying something would get to me, but I just thought, "Wow." Someone in such a position of power who has faced immeasurable ridicule says that his worth is not in his job or his deeds, but in Jesus Christ. And I've really tried to remember this. My worth is not in what a student says to me, a rude comment, or anything else. My worth is in a man who died for me. He sacrificed his life for mine. Let that sink in for a minute. 

Last week my cohort members and I got back some not-so-good grades. The assignment was due the same week that EVERYTHING, including a 15 page case study, was due. We'd all, myself included, joked about how that particular assignment fell on the back burner. We got the grades back, and no, I was not happy. I'm used to getting good grades, and although I got a B, I knew I could have done much better. Others did worse, others did better. Normally, I would have let that grade bother me all day, but I just let it go. That grade doesn't determine what kind of person I am, whether or not I'll graduate, or what kind of teacher I'll be. In reality, it doesn't mean that much. I let it go. If you know me, I don't let things go easily, so clearly my heart is changing in some amazing ways, all thanks to His grace. 

I've been reading A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp before I go to bed each night. She writes a "dare to live fully right where you are," and it's all about finding God's blessings everywhere, even in the bad things. God doesn't make mistakes, so why I act like he does? I crave so many things in my life- chocolate, caffeine, friendship, a good job, a relationship, and more. I realized today while listening to a favorite song and driving through country roads on this crisp fall day that I'm OK. I'm ok with where my life is. I'm ok with spending a lot of time alone. I'm ok with being single. I'm ok with this crazy lifestyle. I am happy, and it feels so good. I want to crave God the way I crave all of those other things. I want to see His blessings more than I crave anything else. I want to see Him more than anything else. Voskamp's book is so amazing, but so dense with some huge ideas that I have to read slowly. I "dog eared" a page in the book from the other night, and she so eloquently says how I've been feeling lately...

She talks about a tough summer, and scar tissue- man did I have a tough summer last year and have some serious scar tissue built up around my heart. When I read Voskamp's words it was like hearing God speak straight into my heart. Yes, it's long, but read it, and let it sink in. She sums up all that I'm feeling but in such a beautiful, beautiful way. 

     "Yes, the whole of life, these exercises to break down the knotting scar tissue from the fall. A summer of pain. Always the running. A summer of grace. Always the revelation. Pain is everywhere, and whatever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes, Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is what I want. 
     This kingdom laden with glory, this, this pearl of great price, the field I'd sell everything to possess. This is the pearl that crams me with happiness that throbs, serrated edge, pit open wide for more of His glory. 
     The only place we have to come before we die is the place of seeing God.
     This is what I'm famished for: more of the God-glory.
     I whisper with the blind beggar, 'Lord, I want to see' (Luke 18:41). 
     That's my moaning pulse: 'See. See.'" (108).

Smile, God loves you!

"Don't Be a Teacher."

Looking at the title of this post, you're probably thinking, "wait, what? You're an education major!" And yes, I am, but these words were spoken to me earlier today, by another teacher no less. 

Because students took the PSAT today, our whole schedule was thrown off and administrators combined two lunches, so Allisa and I sat with two other teachers I don't know very well. When Allisa got up lunch early to make copies, I was sitting at the table alone with these two women, and as soon as Allisa left, the griping and complaining began (Allisa is very positive and only confides in me and one or two other teachers but always with a positive spin, and she does so to remain professional, so other teachers get annoyed that she isn't annoyed, if that makes sense). Anyway, one of the teachers was complaining because she teacher the Early Childhood Education class and because the schedule was thrown off, the only time her students could work with the pre-schoolers was during nap time, and she was thoroughly annoyed. She then blamed administration for the PSAT- which they didn't choose to give students the PSAT, the state did. So in her complaining she said, "Well I should just tell these students to NOT become teachers." And, um, awkward because I was sitting right there, so I laughed. She then turned to me and said, "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but RUN. Run away very quickly." 

Seriously lady?! You having a bad day gives you no reason to tell me to leave this career path. And I always get annoyed when people tell me not to become a teacher. I know I won't fully understand until I'm teaching full time, but right now, at this time in my life, I am called to be a teacher. God has done so much with me in the 10 weeks I've been a "teacher," that I know it's where I'm supposed to be. 

This made me more sad than anything else. My cohort members and I face it every day. We take a Young Adult Literature course and we have teachers at our placement schools tell us all the time that it's a shame we won't be able to teach such wonderful books because they don't meet rigor requirements. And I see this at RCA. The department head is on Allisa all the time about students getting to read choice books. Books are given Lexile scores which determine the difficulty of the text based on diction, syntax, vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. Anyway, these Lexiles aren't actually that accurate because it put The Boy in the Striped Pajamas in the 12th grade reading level based on ONE passage, when the book could be read by a "typical" 7th grader easily. Regardless, the department head is convinced we aren't giving students challenging books, but I'm sorry, the fact that we have students who have never read a book during an academic year that have read FOUR books in 10 weeks. FOUR! I read a lot, and I'm sure the majority of the 14 books I've read since school started wouldn't be a Lexile score above 9th grade, but my world is still widening because of the content of the books. He says he doesn't understand because he gives the students the texts they're going to read and they read them; he doesn't have to "pull teeth" to do so. And I'm about to sound like a fifteen year old, BUT NO DUH YOU TEACH AP AND HONORS CLASSES! I was that AP and Honors kid, I did whatever it took to get the grade, regardless of how difficult the text was. I'm not saying that students in CP (college prep) classes aren't capable of reading difficult texts- they are MORE than capable, but if I have a student who hasn't read a book of his choice since he was in early middle school, how am I going to get him to read The Scarlet Letter and not feel miserable trying to understand Hawthorne's language? The department head makes me so angry.

And this is the thing- I'm at a charter school, where being innovative and creative should be encouraged, and this guy is angry because students aren't being "challenged" enough. In a world where information comes instantly and people literally have the world at their fingertips, sitting down and reading a book does not come easily to these kids. But we had students read 44 books over their one week break. Don't tell me that's not overcoming a challenge. If I'm seeing the push back from being innovative at a charter school, what's it going to be like at a public school? My cohort members and I talk about how we want to teach at private schools so we can actually teach and not just throw information at students and act like babysitter. 

I want the government to wake up. You're asking teachers for data, scores, and evidence of students meeting standards. You're shoving standardized tests down students' throats. You're forcing teachers to focus on numbers and not on people. You're forcing teachers to stand behind a podium and deliver information hoping that students get it. And because you're encouraging the kind of teaching where students sit in their seats all day teachers are really just becoming glorified babysitters. I sat in on a faculty meeting earlier this week where faculty received information about their insurance under Obamacare. Their insurance rates DOUBLED. Doubled- a teacher, who makes roughly $35,000 a year. A teacher gets paid for working 40 hours a week. I could easily spend 50 hours at the school every week, not to mention the fact that I've spent, as a student teacher countless hours grading essays, reading notebooks, quizzes, and planning lessons. I'm not trying to say that teaching is more difficult than any other career, but I am asking that the government wake up to what's actually happening. 

My cohort, a group of 23 bright, young, energized, and creative minds is entering the work force in a less than a year, and we don't want to teach in the public education system. UGA is the 3rd ranked education school in the nation. We're supposed to be some of the best of the best, and we don't want to teach in public school. Does that not say something? Teachers are tired. On top of everything required of being a teacher, you are asking us for data on every single student. Our job isn't to make them get good grades, our job is to help them learn, and not every student can prove they've learned by taking a test. All you see is data, assessments, pre-tests, post-tests, evidence. This is what you don't see...

Based on a silly activity on personification, I got a student who wrote two sentences for an essay to write a full paragraph personifying a basketball. She did this because she was allowed to be creative. For the activity they got up and moving- we laughed, and now she knows what personification means.

We have student who was ashamed for anyone to know he was smart. Reading wasn't "cool." Thanks to the opportunity to read whatever books he wants- and everyone has to read, he's read 6 books and has made reading "cool." His friends now read. Yes, he's still failing because he doesn't turn in work, but his outlook on being smart has been transformed.

A student had a blank paper on his desk today. When I asked him why he said he's confused and was too timid to ask a question. I had to explain the assignment differently, and several times, but he left with a smile on his face and half a page written.

When I let students write a rap in order to demonstrate their understanding of metaphor, they giggled the whole time and wrote a very impressive rap. They talked about metaphor in class today in their writing assignment.

I watched with a smile on my face as a student walked to the cafeteria for lunch while simultaneously reading her book. She has a low Lexile score, yet has read 9 books so far this year. As a book mark, she keeps a list of all of the words she doesn't know and then looks them up- this isn't required. She's challenging herself. 

And finally...
I had to talk to a student in the hallway today because she broke down because she didn't get a good grade on her essay. She still has a very high B in the class, but she cried and cried because it wasn't an A and she has so much pressure on her to succeed.

What do we want- students who learn through laughter and hands-on activities where they can express their knowledge and understanding through different mediums, or students who cry hysterically because they got a bad grade on an assessment? 

These students are more than numbers. They're more than data. They are living, breathing, growing people. Life isn't easy, and forcing 35 students into a small classroom to meet standards and produce evidence of their learning isn't going to happen using one method. These students are bright, even if they don't show it. They go through a lot more than we give them credit for. And these students, they have my heart. I look forward to seeing them during the week. I worry about them. I have trouble falling asleep at night because I'm thinking of ways to make lessons fun and brainstorming ways to make that one student have a light bulb moment. 

So what do we want? Who do we want these kids to become? How can we help them?

Smile, God loves you.

Juggling Act

There is no other way to say it, I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm tired. And I've realized that, well, that's the life of a teacher- any adult really. I don't even have responsibilities of paying bills (other than my credit card) or taking care of a family. I can't remember being this tired since I became an RA- when I felt like I was juggling so many things and if one fell the world would end. My anxiety and depression have been acting up too, which is hard for me to say.

When I'm not busy, I'm apathetic, so basically Monday through Thursday I'm going going going like the energizer bunny and then on Thursday evening I just sit there for a while and stare into space and the loneliness sets in. My friends are great, I will say that. They still invite me to things and check in on me during the week. Still, since I've suffered with this anxiety disorder since I was 13 I know my triggers and the signs that things are going poorly, and apathy is definitely one of those things. I also have zero desire to schedule an appointment with a doctor which is another sign that things aren't too great. But God is faithful, and He never gives us more than we can handle, His strength is far greater than mine, so I lean on Him because my strength is human, fragile, and fleeting, but His is endless.

Wednesday was a good day at RCA, a really good day. I planned the whole day's lesson, and it went so well! On Monday I did a prezi presentation and gave students Cornell notes (guided notes) on literary devices. I started with 5 simple ones- onomatopoeia, personification, simile, metaphor, allusion. On Wednesday I had students rotate through stations, but they only went to 2 or 3. For onomatopoeia they had a story board where they had to write a short, 5 sentence story and illustrate each sentence and one box on the board had to have onomatopoeia in it. For personification (I stole this idea from a cohort member) they put notecards on their foreheads with an object written on them- they didn't know the word, and their group members had to describe the word using human characteristics (ex: "the sun" written on a card, they say "you're hot" "you light up the world" "the world revolves around you," etc.). For allusion they did poetry with one of the counselors who did spoken word in college. For simile they created limericks with Allisa. For metaphor I let them listen to Katy Perry's "Firework" and they had the lyrics and had to circle the metaphors in the song, then they had to write 10 lines of a song or rap that included at least one metaphor. I was SO impressed with them! As the day went on I learned what worked and what didn't, but the students LOVED it and asked if I could be their teacher all the time so they could do fun stuff like that. I told them that when I do start teaching them more we will have to read and write still, but I will try to plan fun things. It was so nice for them to say such sweet things to me. Allisa and I strategically planned this for the day before break. Students have today and next week off for Fall Break, so it was a nice and easy day for them.

Besides that, I had my mid term check in with my supervisor for English Ed today, and she had nothing but nice things to say. All of my teachers say I am "on the ball" and have great teaching ideas. While this is nice, I know I'm not perfect and I sometimes wish they would give more feedback than "you're fabulous." As someone who is learning, it would be nice to be able to sit down and hear specific areas where I could improve, but oh well. I left the meeting praising God for all the times He multiplied the hours in the day, gave me strength to continue, and blessed me with a fabulous MT. 

Allisa really is awesome- she's an innovative teacher, so she allows me to bring in ideas and be creative with what I do. Even though RCA is an innovative school, I have certainly seen the backlash Allisa gets for her creative ideas, so I see some of the things I will deal with when I teach in less than a year (YIKES).

I feel like either my personal life is great and my academic/professional life isn't, or the other way around. G was in the hospital this week, and it killed me not to be home. He's going home this evening and is MUCH better, praise God. Satan has also been bringing up my past relationship a lot to taunt me with, and it's super annoying. Satan often tells me that I'll end up alone and as I've said before, that terrifies me. I have SO many worries about the future, but I keep telling myself that God will provide. My room is messy which always makes me cranky (my room at school, not home-that's always a mess!), but I'm just too tired to get it done. 

I just hate this apathy. I'm over it. As much as I'm looking forward to the break from RCA this week it makes me nervous that I'll have so much free time and time to think, which is when I tend to self-destruct. For now, God has given me another day, and for that I am grateful.

Smile, God loves you!!

"I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you." -Genesis 28:15

Humility

For one of my on-campus classes, we had to write a "This I Believe" essay. National Public Radio (NPR) does a segment on these essays where people submit "This I Believe" essays and some are given the chance to read them on-air. I wrote one my senior year of high school in AP Language, so I was familiar with the concept, but for my class we had to write one about teaching. In it, I wrote that I thought teaching should be a "humble adventure" where teachers realize that students don't always act out because they dislike you, their failure to not complete their homework isn't because your class is stupid- sometimes there is far more going on in their lives than you can even fathom, and this week taught me that my assumption was correct. 

Allisa had students write "This I Believe" essays, and man...did they struggle with it! I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that at 15, many of these students aren't asked to discuss what they believe in. Many of these students go day-to-day being told what to do. I mean, the whole concept of school is institutionalized. Students are like Pavlov's dog- when the bell rings, they know it's time to get up and go to another class, go to lunch, leave lunch, or go home for the day. (Not that this is bad, I personally can't think of another way to do it.) Anyway, they really struggled with writing about concrete ideas rather than abstract ideas. Could they have written about how they believe in love? Yes. But did they understand how to write examples of this? No. We are also doing a huge unit on Moral Courage, so students had to write what they believed in, how it ties into moral courage, use an example from stories that we've looked at in class, and tie in some internet research, and use APA citation to do so. We reached the point where now that students have turned in their final drafts, we are just going to put this assignment "away" and revisit it at the end of the year when students get more used to the fact that their ideas are welcome in our classroom. 

Back to the humility thing...
I brought a stack of papers home with me to grade, and I am humbled. One student wrote about how she believes in standing up to bullies because she was bullied. At 15 she has already struggled with anorexia, cutting, and has been hospitalized for suicide 3 times. Yes, that's right, she's 15! Were her conventions of spelling and grammar accurate? Not really. But how on earth do I grade someone's life that like? Another student wrote about her experience in 7th grade (when she was 12), where she got to be friends with a young girl in a group home. One day my student asked her why she wore the same pair of tennis shoes with every outfit, and the girl said they were the only shoes she had. So, my student went home, asked her sister, who was the girl's size, if she had shoes she didn't wear much anymore, and my student brought shoes to the young girl so she could have more than one pair. At 12! No one asked her to do that, no one told her she had to, she had that idea and did it on her own. I just...I get teary eyed thinking about it. 

And then there's the student who wrote about how he believed in Christianity. Yes, that's an abstract idea, but he wrote so eloquently and about how people misjudge Christians and how Christians misjudge people. He wrote about his desire to lead a Christian life. 

I am humbled. These kids...they go through so much more than we give them credit for. We say things like "What could a 15 year old possibly know?" Well, these kids know a lot more about life than some adults I've encountered. I was talking to someone about teaching in Conyers and they said that it must be an interesting experience since I probably don't have a lot of white students. They said it unassumingly and, growing up in Cobb County, although it was about 50% minority students by the time I graduated, I still went to school with mostly white kids. Honestly, I hadn't noticed it. I was raised, not to be "color blind," but not to treat anyone differently because of their skin color. In one of my multicultural classes I explained it like this: I see race the same way I see that the sky is blue and the grass is green- I don't notice it, really. I know the sky and grass are that color, and people have different colors of skin, so I don't pay much attention. But, after that was brought to my attention, I took a look at my classes, and out of about 170 students, I probably have about 15 white students. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I love my kids just the same, but it does bring up some interesting things...
I can't relate to my kids on that level. I've never been put down because of the color of my skin. Try as you might to tell me that it doesn't happen, but oh, it still does. Sometimes I wonder, what credibility do I have as a white woman standing in front of these kids? I am fortunate that about 90% of RCA graduates will go onto college. What about when I teach at a school where only 10% of students go on to college? I'm just a white girl, what do I know about some of the things they're going through? Add to that fact that we have 3 out of 23 people in my cohort that are of minority races, meaning that we are headed out into the world of education still mostly white. Some of my cohort members are teaching in schools where there is a low graduation rate and there are 2 white kids in their classes. And the school board wants them to teach The Great Gatsby. Now, considering my fish is named Gatsby, you know I love that book. But what do these minority students have to relate to in a book about rich white people? This adds another dimension to my job- I have to think about and introduce books differently. If I were to teach Fitzgerald's book, I'd have to preface it by asking students if they'd ever been in a situation where they liked a girl (or boy) so much, but that girl/boy wouldn't date them because they didn't have money. Then I'd have to bring in the gangster aspect of it. 

I'm ranting, I know, but I wonder how many teachers who have been teaching for many years still think about these things. I am lucky that Allisa uses authors of various races in her classes. She doesn't point it out like it's some big "whoop-dee-do," but it's just another part of our class. I like that.

Bottom line: I love my kids. They are special. And I pray every day that I can be a light to them and that I can let them know how special they are. 

Smile, God loves you!

15 years ago today...

I cannot believe it's been 15 years. I cannot believe I have spent over 2/3 of my life without my daddy. 

I made it until right now until crying. Losing a loved one creates indescribable pain- it's a different kind of heartbreak. I remember this day 15 years ago so vividly. I could tell you that I was wearing my favorite 101 Dalmatians T-shirt. I could tell you I got sent to my room because I argued with my dad about what clothes I would wear that day (a big debacle for a six year old). I didn't go to my room. I sat on the top step of the stairs because something told me not to go. I could tell you that, at 6 years old, I heard my dad having a heart attack, that I heard him gasping for air. I watched as Courtney banged on the bathroom door and she and Mom opened it. I saw my mom give him CPR. I saw Kristy run past me in a flash to help downstairs. I was whisked to a neighbor's house as the sirens started. "Victoria doesn't need to see this." My heart aches to think of how much more my sisters and mom saw. I could vividly describe to you what the hospital smelled like, the humming noise of the fluorescent lights. "Daddy is in heaven now." I could tell you what it was like to say goodbye to someone who wasn't my daddy anymore, to someone whose hand was cold and looked like my daddy without a huge grin and a "Hey kiddo!" to great me.

I try not to think too much about this day, but it's in these quiet moments like right now when I'm left to myself that I get sad. I tried to laugh a lot today, and I did. Boy, did I. I know that's what my dad would want, a day full of laughter, because I can still hear his sweet laugh. 

My memories of that day are much different than my sisters' and my mom's, and they each have their own versions of that story to tell. The days that followed this one were not easy, and I still sit in awe of all that my mom, Courtney, Kristy, and Jackie have done. I know he's smiling somewhere thinking of how proud he is of his wife and girls. 

I don't even know how much different my life would be if he were here. That's what losing someone you love does- it fills you with what ifs and other questions. What if I'd had one more day? What if he was still here? What if I hadn't made him angry that morning? Who would I be today? What would my life be like? Would I have been a dancer? Would I be at UGA? Would I be in SAO? The truth is, I don't know the answer to any of those questions, and I'm not supposed to.

When I accepted Christ as my savior at 16, I acknowledged that He would fill the holes in my heart. I acknowledged that this life is no longer mine, but God's. He knows the what ifs, but it is not up to me to know or to question. I have little control over anything in this life, but I do have one option- to choose joy. 

I choose joy that I have an amazing mom and sisters. I have three brothers-in-law that love my sisters as they should be loved. I have a grandpa who stepped in to be that male role model in my life. I have two nieces and three nephews who bring more of that joy into my life than I could ever have imagined. I often think about what age they will be when they start asking questions about Nana's husband, and what we will refer to my dad as, but I choose joy in knowing that they will know that even though he never knew them, he too loved them before they were born. I choose joy knowing that he would be proud of the women my sisters and I have become. He would be proud of work I've done, the job I have, the career I'm working towards, and the friends I've surrounded myself with. I choose joy in recognizing that I was showered with texts and all sorts of messages from friends saying they were thinking of me today. I choose joy in knowing that I was not given this life in vain- He has a far greater plan for me that I will ever know. 

I have been on quite the journey since I posted something on this day a year ago. The hurt doesn't hurt any less, but it stabs me less often. I will always miss my daddy, and I will ALWAYS love him. Most importantly, one thing has remained constant- that my mom and sisters have been my rock- a stable force that will love me unconditionally, despite the mistakes I've made, how many times I've hurt them. I can know that I can call them anytime, anywhere, and with anything. They will listen, cry, laugh, and support me in whatever I do. That, of all things, is what my dad wanted more than anything, and it was in his death that his greatest wish of the closeness of his daughters was granted. 

What's more than that, my God is bigger than the pain I face today, the pain I've faced in the past, and the pain that life will bring in the future. As much as my earthly daddy loved me, my Heavenly Father loves me just the same. I must acknowledge that my dad was God's son before he was my father, so God had the power to call him home, even if those of us on earth weren't ready. I choose joy that God loved my dad that way.

Today, despite the heartbreak, I choose joy.

Smile, God loves you!

Daily Bread

Well, I think this is the longest I have gone without a blog post in a very long time, but I've been so busy this has kind of slipped my mind. I've also chosen to make this blog public again (I know, I went through all that just to make it public again), but I did so because I have realized that I could make it so you have to have the link to view the blog and it won't show up in google searches, meaning the only way my students could find it would be through my Facebook, but since that's also private, they wouldn't be able to find it. So, I'm baaaaaack.

I cannot believe it's September, I really can't. I have been at RCA for 5 weeks. Wow! Sorry UGA, but I can honestly say I have learned more in the 5 weeks of my practicum and my major-specific classes with my cohort than I did in the other 3 years of my college career. Now I know why the college of ed made the pre-req courses for education majors so easy, because your butt literally gets kicked every day once you're in your major. 

I taught my first mini-lesson on Wednesday at RCA! The form of scaffolding that my MT (Mentor Teacher) uses involves making a template of each type of formal writing assignment that students will do. Since we are focusing so much on reading, one of their formal writing assignments includes writing a book review. I made the template for the book review and then taught it to the class on Wednesday. I had no idea I was going to teach that day, but during planning Allisa told me I was ready and that the only way I would learn to teach would be diving right in. Since she's been teaching for 10 years I believe her! She asked what I was most nervous about and I told her that transitions and getting started make me a little scared so we talked through them. It could not have gone better! The head of the department even came in while I was teaching and I just kept going. Allisa told me I was a "rock star" and that I did really well. The Vice Principal even checked in on me after the lesson to see how things went. I know I'm very spoiled at RCA!

The block scheduling at RCA makes life a little difficult though, because I only get to see the kids every other week which makes building relationships difficult. However, I was even more pleased that the students "had my back" during the lesson. If certain students would start to get off task, other students would tell them to be quiet and listen to me. What victory! All that time I spend loving on them and talking to them does make a difference. I wrote about this on Facebook, but the only downfall happened at the end of the lesson when I asked if anyone had questions...their question? If my blonde hair was natural! Oh well, I laughed and said yes and then continued with the lesson. 

I was also surprised that period B4 (block scheduling = A days and B days) which is a NIGHTMARE was great during my lesson as well. That class is exhausting. Teacher friends reading this, Allisa and I need your help with this class. They are great kids and they are brilliant, but all 32 of them have outspoken, opinionated personalities, resulting in them being about 2 days behind every other class. That class is an inclusion class (meaning that students with learning or intellectual disabilities, or students with Individualized Education Plans or Section 504 plans are also in there) but the students with disabilities are the most well behaved. We do, however, have an opportunity for a co-teacher to come in. Her name is Felicia and I love her. I admit that all of the stories I have heard about co-teaching tend to have nightmare qualities to them, but Allisa never has anything but awesome things to say about Felicia. She knows what she's doing and has such a heart for teaching. On Wednesday she was walking beside the bus as it rolled away talking to a student through a bus window answering his questions- that's dedication! She's also one of the teachers at RCA that treats me like a coworker and not a student teacher. Everyone there is so nice, but sometimes I feel like they think they have to "water down" teaching conversations for me to understand, but Felicia doesn't do that, and it's something I really appreciate. Allisa doesn't do this either, but she does spend a lot of time explaining things to me at my request because I want to be fully informed and prepared for what we do each day. 

Recruitment ended last night with our bid day celebration for SAO, which means things will slow down the tiniest bit. I've literally spent the last two weeks running from one place to the next and getting about 5 hours of sleep every night. If you know me, that is not good! But, I have discovered that I function remarkably well on 6 hours of sleep. 

What does all of this have to do with daily bread? Every morning when the alarm goes off at 5:20 and I do NOT want to get out of bed, I say a simple prayer, "Lord, please give me the strength and energy for the day," and He does. He is SO faithful. His love never fails. One thing that is nice about the 1 hour commute to RCA is that I have time to pray and spend in reflection. I usually pray the majority of the way there. I pray over the day, over the students, and that I do well. I pray that I am a light in the school and that students know I care. I pray Jesus works through me to help those students. I pray that I "embrace the noise" that 15 year old have (because they ARE noisy), and I use their opinions to my advantage rather than continually tell them to be quiet. I also pray that God multiplies the time in the day (ie: fish and loaves Bible story). 

For someone who LOVES to plan and know what's happening next, I've really had to rely on God to get me through life one day at a time. I also don't want to spend so much time looking forward that I don't enjoy today. Although a lot of planning is involved in teaching and knowing what comes next, while I am at school I focus on RCA and not my UGA classes, and vice versa. 

I've also been blessed with an awesome cohort. We spent 9 hours together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we've really bonded over our "one foot in the door of adulthood" type lives. We do vent a lot , but we also build each other up. We joke that whenever someone walks in the door before 8 am with their eyes open and clothes on, then they've already succeeded for the day. I have noticed that I complain/vent a lot, and that's something I'm working on. 

A friend is going through something similar to what I went through a year ago, and it has been nice to look back on this blog and reflect on what I was feeling and how God refined me. I hope to use this as sort of a journal of my student teaching experience. I want to look back at posts and see growth and what has changed. For now though, I'm just working to get through one day at a time and fight off this new cold I have (teenage germs are the WORST. My immune system is in overdrive. I just got over a cold only to now feel another one). HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS though.

Smile, God loves you!

Busy and Overwhelmed

Well, as of 4:45 this afternoon I survived my first week of the "hardest and worse year of [my] college career," at least that's how everyone prefaces the year of English Ed practicum and student teaching. I have been told from various people that EE is one of the hardest education programs at UGA. 

How do I feel, you ask? Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Inadequate. Unprepared. Anxious. 

I was doing pretty well until I got the short end of the stick for showing up late for duty because I got out of class at 4:45 on the opposite side of campus and couldn't get back here until 5, even though I did what I was told and told a supervisor for the evening that I'd be late. Then the bus was late. Then I snapped at someone which caused them to get defensive. And then I come into my room and there is this horrible smell of rotten food (despite having cleaned out my "pantry" and fridge), and I don't want my residents to have a smelly RA. That last reason is completely irrational I know, but I just lost it and just finished having my first break down of what I'm sure will be many this year. I let myself cry for about 5 minutes and then I got myself together. I think that's pretty reasonable. Oh, and I have myself locked in my room until I calm down and can then go concentrate and love on my residents. I just needed a little "me" time for about 20 minutes to recharge so I can hopefully be a good RA to them. 

Why are you having those emotions? Well, my week looks a little like this:

Sunday at 8-9 pm: RA meeting 
Monday:
5:15 am- get up
6:30 am- leave Athens
7:45 am- must be at RCA
4:30 pm (ish)- leave RCA
5:30-8pm- SAO exec meetings and chapter

Tuesday:
5:15 am- wake up
5:30 am- go for a run
7:30 am- leave for class
8am-4:45pm- in class in the same room in the education building

Wednesday:
Same as Monday except then I go on duty at 5pm which means I have to leave RCA before 4:00pm. Luckily Allisa (my mentor teacher AKA "MT") has a doctoral class in Athens at 5 so I don't feel guilty for leaving early. 

Thursday: 
same as Tuesday

Friday: "off" except every other week I have a meeting with my supervisory team for EE and every other week I have a one-on-one meeting with my supervisor for Housing. 

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm taking 5 different classes with my cohort (the 23 other English Ed majors in the program). One person has already dropped the major because just hearing about all we have to do overwhelmed her. Our Teaching Team says it's pretty typical for 2-3 people to drop. My work load is insane, consisting of 6 textbook chapters, 5 article readings that are 30-60 pages each, 1 essay response, 1 discussion post and a comment on a classmate's post, a presentation and rationale, observing and taking formal notes on my MT, observing and taking formal notes on a student, commenting on a classmate's blogpost, and writing a blogpost on my teacher blog (missrivard.blogspot.com- feel free to read that too, but it's mostly professional stuff, I decided to use this one for more personal posts since I don't think discussing my anxiety freak outs and Jesus on a teacher blog is appropriate just yet). Add to that trying to get to know my residents and catering to their needs- I'm pooped. It's hard to get all of that done and go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

I'm complaining a lot, I know, but quite honestly I'm just needing to vent right now. And since this blog is private now and the only people to follow this are big parts of my life, I feel comfortable doing so. Thanks for reading, I really just needed that vent session. Now I will unlock my door and go love on my residents. Poor things, they never see me (feeling of inadequacy). 

I really am loving my MT and RCA, like so much. But then I have this nagging feeling that says, "is this really what you're supposed to be doing?" I know it's God's plan for me right now, and I just think it's Satan picking at me while I'm weak. Coming into college and throughout my high school career, I didn't think I'd be a teacher, but God has provided and shown me that this is where He wants me. Every morning I have the same prayer, "Lord, please just give me the strength to get through the day," and He has. I think this afternoon I knew the craziness was over and so I could look to what lies ahead tomorrow rather than taking it one day at a time and I just freaked out a little.

Needless to say, prayers would be GREATLY appreciated.

Smile, God loves you!

Teaching and Privacy

I have so much to tell I just don't know where to begin! If you've kept up with my Facebook statuses, you know I was pretty upset when I found out I'd be placed in Rockdale County, an hour for a one-way trip. Add to this fact that I'm on SAO's executive board AND an RA, and you can see why I was freaking out. Not to mention I have an older car and can barely save any money at all without paying for all that gas. Well, I went to the school on Friday and fell in LOVE with it.

I've been placed at Rockdale Career Academy (RCA), which is a charter school in Rockdale County. It's a career and college prep school where students spend the first two class periods at a traditional county school and then come spend the rest of the day at RCA. The school is equipped with a green house, mechanic's garage, medical room, marketing wing, forensics lab, and so much more. Obviously, some of the students will need to attend college to pursue the careers they study at RCA, but some students may just need a certificate or none of the above. It's a student-choice school, so the students choose to come to RCA. Mrs. Lisa Hall, my incredible mentor teacher, introduced me to every staff member at the school, and everyone was SO welcoming. Mrs. Hall and many of her coworkers are UGA alum, so it's nice to have an extended bulldog family away from Athens. I ate lunch with the staff and then stood in for the staff picture- they told me I had to because I'd joined the family and now I couldn't get rid of them. Everyone raved about Lisa and how incredible she was and told me that I'd never find another place like RCA. One of the first-year Science teachers was a student teacher there last year and Micki, the principal, "snatched her up," so everyone kept telling me to keep that in mind. This is Lisa's first year as a mentor teacher, and she's in UGA's doctoral program at UGA with one of my TAs for English Ed, and that's how she was recruited. 

I think Lisa and I will be a great fit. At the end of last year, Rockdale County decided to privatize their custodial staff, meaning that members of the staff only get paid for 32 hours a week. Now, I think we all know that many custodians work way more than 32 hours a week, but now these hard-working employees work more than that allotted hour cap but only get paid for those 32 hours. In addition, they all have to wear uniforms, setting them even more apart from the other staff. Lisa made sure to introduce me to every custodian, and she knew all of their names and had something nice to say about them (I don't know if many teachers at other schools could do the same). Lisa organized a lunch for the teachers, administrators, and custodial staff so they could all eat together as ONE staff and honor the hard work of the custodians. Custodial workers are so under-appreciated and hardly get recognized for their work, and all that the teachers did for them really touched my heart.

God has a funny sense of humor, huh? I really wasn't anxious about going to the school. I was nervous about finding the school but not so much about meeting everyone, and you all know how rare that is. It was so nice to walk into the building and feel like I was exactly where I'm supposed to be. God has a plan and I prayed really hard and surrendered this whole situation to Him, and I know He will provide. 

Oh! I will be teaching 10th grade World Literature and Composition. I walked into Lisa's expertly decorated classroom (you can tell she's a veteran teacher- she taught middle school for 7ish years before starting at RCA), and she asked me if I liked to read. She has set a goal for her students to each read 12 books/semester. They will walk into class and read for 20-30 minutes (we have 90 minute classes), and then journal about what they've read. Journal topics may be given to them, or they can write about how they like the book, any vocab words they found, etc. Lisa and I will also have journals and will be reading during that time as well. Lisa says she thinks it's important to set the example and "practice what we teach" (get it? not "preach"- I'm so punny). We will also have conferences with each student about their reading about once every two weeks. Needless to say, I think I'm in the right classroom. 

Now, privacy. This blog has served as an amazing and incredible outlet for me to witness to others. I've been  blessed to share what God has and is doing in my life through this silly blog. However, as I embark on this teaching experience, I will of course want to write about my days and what I'm learning- my mistakes, my victories, etc. With that being said, I've made the decision to make this blog private. If I ever write about students I will of course change their names, but I would hate for a student to find this blog. I also want to keep any semblance of privacy that I can while teaching, and with social media, that remains difficult. I can see with every time I post that about 100+ people read this blog, and I really only hear from about 12, which is completely FINE and that's what I want, BUT if you would like to follow me on my teaching journey, please send me your email address and I will give you permission to view my blog. If you're a family member or one of my "followers," I'll automatically add you. Please don't be afraid to send me your email because I want to continue spreading the Word and His love through this particular medium. Tomorrow is the first day of school, so I will probably make the switch around Wednesday. 

Now I just have to get used to waking up at 5 am, setting out my clothes, and packing a lunch!

Smile, God loves you!

Quarter Life Crisis.

It's official, I've fallen off of my "I'm doing so well!" train. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and yes, physically. A lot of change is just around the corner, and I, someone who loathes change, get very uncomfortable. In the next month I will move rooms again, have to take a final, write two papers, make new door decorations, decorate a new hall, go through RA training for the 3rd time, tackle the large obstacle that is resident move-in, resume my position as SAO Secretary, start SAO recruitment, start classes, find out my school placement, meet my mentor teacher, and start my teaching practicum. Just thinking about all of that makes me want to crawl in bed and not get up until Labor Day. So in being uncomfortable, I revert back to what is familiar, and how I used to handle things. What's familiar is anxiety, depression, darkness, and sadness, so I undo a lot of what I've worked on in the last year. Some pretty dark thoughts are back- thoughts that haven't occurred to me in almost six months, and in the last week or so they've consumed a lot of my thinking. I've allowed Satan to enter into my mind and once again tell me I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not strong enough. He tells me I'm too sensitive. He tells me I'm unwanted, undesirable, and unloved. My past and memories of my mistakes pop into my mind, as constant reminders of my struggle with little emphasis on my victory. 

In addition to what's happening in the next month, I'm reaching the point of "oh crap, what am I doing after I graduate from college?" I know that at this point in my life I'm supposed to be a teacher. I'm more passionate about it than other career paths, I get "fired up" when I talk about school issues and students, but then I have this moment of "is this really what I'm going to do for the rest of my life?" Do I want to start teaching right away? Is getting my master's degree my better option? It's really not that much of a pay raise. My big sis in SAO, Ansley, is an English teacher at Mill Creek High School and advised me to go ahead and get my master's degree so I don't have to take online classes while teaching. 

Grad school. I hope to, want to, and need, to get an assistantship, preferably in Housing to help pay for school while I get my master's in English Ed. That would mean that I would oversee a staff of RAs as a grad student. The package is a sweet deal, and I can't afford more school without it (my debt from undergrad, even with keeping HOPE and going to an in-state school is still ridiculous, but that's another story). So, if I don't get an assistantship then I can't go to grad school. Unless I choose to go to KSU and live at home for two years. KSU has a great education program, and I would save a lot of money, but then I'd also have to find a part-time job in Kennesaw/Marietta, and the thought of going back home to Marietta makes me kind of sick; I just really think I've outgrown my hometown. 

Then there's this whole dream of writing a book and working in young women's ministry. That fire burns pretty brightly too. But, if I pursued ministry I'd want to go to seminary school, but do I really need to do that? More school, more money. I know God will provide, but how can I teach and work in young women's ministry? 

Ending up alone. That's a huge fear. I know, I know, I'm 21 years old and have my whole life ahead of me, I really don't need to think about getting married. It's hard when you get on Facebook every day and there are at least 3 engagements, not to mention your friends are getting engaged/soon to be engaged. Will I find a Godly man willing to be a Spiritual leader for me? Will I have kids one day? Can a man handle the crazy and insane person that I am? Will a man be able to handle my dark past/will his heart be prepared to forgive me? Will I be able to accept his past? The list goes on and on. I know it's useless and pointless to worry. And I had a "come to Jesus" moment a few weeks ago where I realized I needed to stop "looking." My attitude towards the prospect of having a boyfriend in the last six months has been "ain't nobody got time for that," but, being a girl in today's society, you can't meet a guy and not think "what if..?" (also dumb and annoying but that's what society teaches us but that's a whole other can of worms for me to discuss later.) Ultimately, I want to get married and I want to have kids one day. I LOVE being an aunt to Caroline, Robby, Drew, Jacob, and Olivia, but being an aunt (among being the best form of birth control) makes me want kids of my own one day so much more. I know that as long as I pursue my King, Jesus Christ, the Lord will place my "prince" (cue the cheesy) in my path. Yet I still worry.

All of this lately has opened the flood gates to Satan's vicious attacks, to my anxiety, to those dark thoughts, to my loneliness. I've tried to be proactive- I've told my mom and the people I spend the most time with here in Athens so they know what signs to look for, but then that voice in the back of my head tells me that because I've been there before, my friends won't want to put up with me anymore. That voice tells me that I'm made for nothing more than constantly battling anxiety and depression. It tells me that no one is going to want to put up with my irrational, dramatic emotions that happen sometimes. Even though I've worked on those emotions so much they still come out sometimes, and that voice tells me that they'll always be part of me. It hurts. And I'm angry with God, and by golly I tell Him that. Really? We've come so far in a year and He's going to let Satan attack me like that? Jesus you're supposed to be interceding on my behalf, so where the heck are you? These are common thoughts. Yet I'm still blessed by friends who look out for me and fill me up with Biblical truths. Because I've been angry I really haven't been praying much lately- I've been too stuck in my own head. Then today I was in the car and Meredith Andrews' "After All" came on and the floodgates open and I started crying and couldn't stop. I may be angry with Him, pissed occasionally, and I may want to curse Him, but He is there. He is constant. He will never forsake me. He is good (even when I choose not to see it). I need to remind myself of that, and I need to spend some time on my knees praying and crying to that God I love no matter how much it may kill me to do so. Even today as I was making door decs for my future residents, I was thinking about how much I had to do and what my life has in store and I literally heard Him say "could you just shut up and let me work?" I guess sometimes I need a slap in the face, and honestly, I deserved it. 

Tomorrow is a new day. My alarm will go off, and I'll go through the motions until I start to feel things again. The sun will still rise. I just need to keep walking and breathing and trust that He will see me through. But let's be real, that's all wayyy easier said than done.

Smile, God loves you! 
I think I should take my own advice on that one!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the full." -John 10:10

The Biggest Loser

Last week I posted about my desire and conviction to stop watching so much crap TV. I decided to turn to NBC's "The Biggest Loser" on Hulu (don't get me started on how much I hate Hulu-I'm a Netflix girl, thanks to Jackie and Andrew, but Netflix doesn't have TBL). Yes, the show is reality TV, and yes there is some cursing, but it's bleeped out and for the most part, it's a "wholesome" TV show. I also really like that they get to the underlying issue behind the obese/overweight person's weight and health problems. From being told you were ugly every day, a failed marriage, a lost child, being adopted and feeling out of place, or a feeling of worthlessness, the show addresses it. It's quite motivating to watch people with health issues far beyond mine find success. Cheesily (yes I made up that word) I probably cry at the end of every episode because of how emotional the contestants get at their own success- they have such a reason to be proud of themselves! 

When these men and women get vulnerable and feel that their weight makes them undesirable, ugly, unattractive, and worthless, I find myself shouting at my computer, "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!" This was an "ah-ha" moment as I realized that I can see the beauty in these total strangers, but can't always see it in myself. 

Of course, I do not have the amount of weight to lose that they do: my blood pressure is great, I have healthy cholesterol, and my goal is to lose 15-20lbs, not 100+ like their's is. However, we do have something in common--- a desire and commitment to changing our lives with healthy living. 

I do have to say though, Tuesday I had a little taste of sweet victory. I was pretty frustrated because in the two weeks since I went to see the dietitian, I hadn't lost any weight. I had to keep repeating to myself that I wasn't doing this for numbers and that I had to be patient. If I can sit down at the end of the day before God and say that I ate well, I got my body moving, and I never over-ate or ate emotionally, then that day was a success. In Lysa Terkeurst's book she talks about what the scale can't tell you: it can't tell you how many carbs could have affected your weight, how much salt you ate, if you're bloated, or, if you're a woman, what time of the month it is. I had to repeat this to myself too. Monday night I had a little conversation with God and prayed, well, begged, for the numbers on the scale to go down, and in response I heard "I am refining you." I thought, "well that's fine and dandy, but I sure am working my tail off here." But I accepted it nonetheless. To my surprise, I stepped on the scale and lost 2.5 pounds! Did I do a happy dance around my room? You bet I did. 

Now, I think some of the reasons I listed above had to do with that number dropping so much in a week (isn't being a woman grand?- said no one ever), but for the first time in my life I realized that I lost those 2.5lbs the healthy way. I didn't deprive myself; I didn't count calories; I didn't obsess over how much I ate; I didn't skip meals. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I began to feel full. Did I still feel hungry sometimes? Yes. Are my cravings insane now that my body is changing? Yes. Do I still get discouraged when I look in the mirror? Yes. But, the most important thing is that I am on the road to healthy living, and I lost weight by honoring my body. I didn't fill it up with a bunch of processed foods or use food as an escape. I treated my body the way God intended me to treat it- as holy and a temple.

Another victory has come in the form of a 1 lb bag of trailmix. I have made a bag of trailmix last a week and a half and counting. For some people that's average, but for the old me, that bag would have lasted 3 days, maybe. I would have opened the bag while watching a TV show to escape, and 20 minutes later look down to see a plethora of crumbs displayed on my chest and a half empty bag in front of me. I'd beat myself up, tell myself how disgusting that was, etc. Now, per the dietitian's instructions, she said to measure out the serving size once, and only once, and then "eyeball" every serving after that. So, I know that for me, a 1/3 cup of trailmix is about a hand full and a half. So, I get the handful, eat it, get the little half and close the bag and put it back where it belongs before eating that last little bit. I know it seems like such a simple step, but hey, it works for me. 

RUNNING. Oh the dreaded word! Well, I have one more day to complete the 4th week. It will technically be my 4th time running it this week (each week is composed of 3 days), but Monday was a bit, um, muddy. I'm so lucky to have a friend like Elise who runs with me and encourages me. I have such an accountability partner in her. She's always been a very healthy eater and is aware of what she puts in her body. She's also a former ballerina so she gets a lot that I go through. Granted, her metabolism works about 5x as quickly as mine does, but there is no judgment from her, and she gives me recipes and encourages me. We tried to go running at the State Botanical Gardens on Monday, not thinking about the insane amount of rain we've had lately, and we were ankle deep in mud, so it turned into more of a strenuous hike than a run, but we still got moving! Today I didn't have to push myself until the last 50 seconds out of a total of 16 minutes of running (broken into intervals), which made me feel AWESOME.

New Recipe Time (sorry if this bores everyone, but hopefully it will help out my fellow college peers)

I tried kale chips-- all I can say is "eh." I'm not someone who craves potato chips a lot, I'd rather get my salty kick from trailmix, so maybe if I enjoyed chips more I'd like the kale chips. They aren't bad they're just...different.

Kale Chips:
-1 bunch kale
-olive oil
-salt
-baking sheet and parchment paper

1. preheat oven to 350
2. wash kale and take off stem (they're pretty thick and taste kinda nasty) and rip into bite sized pieces (I used the bagged kale, so this could be where I went wrong, but it's all I could find at the grocery store)
4. Place kale on parchment sheet lines cookie sheet, drizzle with olive oil and salt
5. Bake in oven about 10 minutes (The recipe I used said 10-15 minutes, so I did 12 minutes and almost set off the smoke alarm in Brumby because the kale fried to a crisp, 8 minutes was my magical number)


Healthy Taco Salad:
This I made last night because I had some random stuff in my fridge

-chicken breast
-corn
-avocado
-salsa
-spinach
-cheese
-black beans
-tortilla chips
1.cut chicken strips into bite sized pieces and cooked in a pan with a little olive oil
2. add black beans (drained and rinsed), corn (I used frozen), and spinach until everything is heated
3. place on plate, adding avocado, salsa, and cheese

I skipped out on the tortillas, first because I didn't have any and second because those are calories I didn't want or need. To make sure I didn't eat my weight in tortilla chips, I alternated between 2 chips and then just 3 or 4 bites of the "salad" without chips. I didn't actually count, I just made myself aware of how many tortilla chips I was eating. 

I know several of you have said you, too, are in a journey to healthy living, and I'd love to hear how your journeys are going. 

As always...
Smile, God loves you!

Perseverance (and some recipes!)

As I've been working through Lysa Terkeurst's "Made to Crave" Devotional, and the devotional a few days ago really hit me. First of all, it used one of the verses that I memorized and repeated to myself a lot when things were really bad last summer.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4

It wasn't until I read this in the devotional that I realized 1. how did I de-memorize this verse? and 2. this actually really applies to my healthy eating lifestyle. Results do not come quickly. I realize that at 21 years old, me gaining 40 lbs since I graduated from high school does not look like someone else gaining 40lbs, and that if I lost all of that weight, I'd probably look pretty sickly. Given that, I know that someone people would be more than happy to have the body I do, but I need to honor what I've been given. Anyway, perseverance is EVERYTHING on this journey. I've been eating well and exercising for a couple of weeks now, and haven't lost. any. weight. It's annoying, but I said I wasn't doing this for the numbers, and I think God took that statement and ran with it. I should concentrate on the fact that I worked out 5 days this week, and they were good, solid workouts too. And I didn't go too too crazy with eating on the 4th of July. Yes, I ate a lot and yes, I ate several brownies, but I indulged and have been good today and yesterday. 

On June 30th it was one year since the night I sat on a friend's kitchen floor, scared and alone, knife in hand ready to end my life. Look how far I've come in a year! I cry from happiness a lot (yes that's pathetic but oh well). God has done so much in my inner being in a year, I can't wait to see what He will do with my outer being in the same amount of time. I'm saying this as Satan has waged a war within me. My last post was about some changes I'm making in my life, and Satan is having a field day with placing memories of past mistakes into my mind, leading me to anxious moments and loneliness. But I declared victory over that part of my life, so I am pulling out my go-to pieces of scripture to continue to fight the good fight. I REFUSE to go back to that place I was a year ago. But hey, the testing of my faith produces perseverance, and hopefully, in a year (as long as that seems), I can declare victory over an unhealthy lifestyle, and honor the Lord every step of the way. 

I've also discovered how much I enjoy cooking. I never thought I'd say those words. My cooking experience consisted of sticking Mom's pre-made casseroles in the oven for G and I to eat when Mom still worked 12 hours shifts. I, of course, was capable of following a recipe, but I complained the whole time. Baking is really my first love, and that comes from the countless hours I spent in the kitchen with Grandma before she died. I usually plan out what I'm going to eat after I eat breakfast. That way, I'm not hungry and can rationally think about what I'd like to eat. I do snack between meals, but healthy snacks (veggies and hummus, greek yogurt with fruit, almonds, a little trail mix, etc.). It's fun to throw a bunch of things together and see how they turn out. Plus, let's be real for a minute, I'm a college kid who will graduate with a lot of debt, so cheap and easy meals are the way to go. 

Really, I guess I just eat a lot of chicken and vegetables for dinner. Here are a few of my favorites from the last few weeks:

Meatless Meal:

-whole pasta

-black beans

-mozzarella cheese

-spinach

-balsamic vinegarette

1. Boil water for pasta. While waiting go ahead and drain and rinse the black beans (I used canned and seasoned per Mom's advice)

2. While pasta is cooking, steam spinach in pan with a little bit of water. At the same time, heat the beans either in microwave or in saucepan

3. Drain pasta and place in bowl, mix in beans, spinach, and cheese (I had to get crafty and used my mozzarella string cheese but just tore it up)

4. Drizzle balsamic over it and voila! 

This was a cheap meal to make and I was able to save a lot and eat off of it for a few days.

Pinterest Recipe: Balsamic Marinated Salmon

-salmon fillet

-balsamic dressing

-lemon

-salt/pepper/whatever seasonings you'd like

-aluminum foil

1. Tear off a sheet of aluminum foil and spray with cooking spray or a little oil so salmon doesn't stick to it

2. slice lemon- as much as you'd like!

3. Place salmon on aluminum foil, season to taste, place lemon slices on the fish, then cover in balsamic dressing

4. Wrap aluminum foil so salmon is in a "pocket"

5. Bake at 425 for 7-8 minutes

I paired this with some brown rice and a spinach salad with strawberries and goat cheese.

Ok, so I'm no expert chef, but these are some easy, college kid recipes that I can make out of a residence hall where I have to go to another floor to use a kitchen.

This week has been a good week in terms of eating and exercising, so praises to God for that, I hope this week goes well too!

Smile, God loves you!