Walking through Fire

Many posts back I talked about how I'm walking through fire lately. That feeling was never more apparent than last week. I'm going to be real for a moment: I was angry with God. Actually, angry doesn't begin to cut it, I was pissed. I know that's a rather immature word, but I can't think of a more accurate description of how I felt. I sat there, doing my Bible Study (a Beth Moore study about breaking free from yokes of slavery that keep us from God) and just got angry. I was reading testimonies of God giving people the desires of their hearts, and I was bitter, frustrated, and angry. It didn't help that we had a guest speaker in chapter last week who, although her intentions were pure I assure you, basically made me feel like crap. I felt like my stinking sins followed me everywhere. I'm still in the process of forgiving myself for sins I've committed, and there I sat, feeling unworthy, unlovable, and like I had no future. I cried and I screamed at God. I told Him, yes, I told Him, that I hated Him. I didn't know why I had to have this stupid thing called faith when I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it. (Remember, I'm selfish and only see things in my own little world, not God's.) I told God I couldn't do it anymore; I didn't feel like I was being fulfilled, none of my prayers were being answered, I couldn't hear Him communicating with me anymore, and I just plain couldn't feel Him. So I made a decision, right then and there, to stop believing...

Ha Ha.

What do you know? When I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep, I started reciting the verse that calms me down, Psalm 121, but then I remembered "No, I'm pissed at Him so I'm not going to talk to Him." Could I calm down? No. Finally my body took over and I fell back asleep. I woke up in the morning, and thanked God for doing that..but wait, I'm pissed! Then I got in the bathroom and heard some song about who knows what but not something I wanted stuck in my head, and started singing praise songs in my head...BUT WAIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ANGRY. I couldn't escape Him. For some crazy reason my heart belongs to Him. I knew the answer was to make that concentrated effort to surrender to Him and His plan, but I'm so freaking stubborn that I can't. I kept telling myself it was too dang hard. I want what I want and I want it NOW. 

There's nothing like a good conversation with your mama to bring you to reality.

I told my mom about my frustrations, and she told me I had to start choosing to find satisfaction in every day. I know I've said this before, and I know this, but I needed a reminder. Even though I pray all day long, stay in my Bible study, I still lose sight of things. People who say God doesn't have a sense of humor are nuts. I sat there praying after talking to my mom and I heard Him, for the first time in a while, say "Little one, you can't escape me. Deal with it, beloved." RUDE! But it's the truth. 

A few weeks ago when my anxiety and fear were really bad, I posted scripture above my bed to help me, but I stopped reading them. Well, I glanced up the other night and this is what I see:

"I am the Lord your God. The one who created you, Jacob, The one who formed you, Israel. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you walk through the waters, I will be with you. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; The flames will not set you ablaze."

- Isaiah 43:1-3

Alright, God, I see what you did there. You never said that believing in you would guarantee zero trials or times of walking through fire, but you did promise you would be there every step of the way and deliver me...eventually.

Then I sit down to do my study tonight, and what's the first scripture we look at? Isaiah 43:1-7. God: 2, me: 0. Beth Moore puts it best:

"On some occasions God may purposely alter the evidences of His presence to bring the most benefit from our experience."

"God does not love us less when He gives us fewer evidences. He simply desires to grow us up and teach us to walk by faith and not by sight. These steps are most challenging when we're delivered through frightening experiences rather than from them."

"Christ does not always immediately calm the storm, but He is always willing to calm His child on the basis of His presence."

If you're keeping count, again this is God: 3, me: 0. 

And the last few days, I have been trying to find satisfaction in every moment. I know I'm BEYOND blessed, beyond, but again, I'm a selfish human being. But thank God for Christ. I also have to learn to keep denying Satan's lies. He sucks. He cannot win. So last night I compiled some truths (also courtesy of the Beth Moore book, Believing God...I guess I'm on a Beth Moore kick right now). 

If you're struggling, feel free to copy the above, because they're true for all of His children. On praiseworthy notes:

- I got accepted into the National Residence Hall Honorary, the top 1% of students on campus. It's a club focusing on leadership and service.

- I successfully gave my speech this evening to run for SAO secretary.

- I love my residents.

- Mom came up this last weekend and it was fabulous. I love my mom.

- I get to go home for fall break this weekend and squeeze my adorable niece and one of my nephews.

Smile, God loves you. Thanks for taking this journey with me of walking through fire. For those of you that read this, I'd love to hear from you, pray for you, or meet up with you. Walking alone isn't always fun, but you're not alone.

    

Perfection in Weakness

So I know this is like my second post in a few days, but stay with me, this is a message I think we could all benefit from hearing. The last few days have been rough for me...I was doing really well and then I just snapped and cried forever about things going on in my life (thank goodness for good friends who love me despite my insanity and will listen to my irrational crying fits and love me, and for a mommy who always listens!) Anyway, I told my mom last night on the phone that I just feel like God has forgotten about me. I comprehend that this isn't true, but convincing my brain to truly believe it is difficult: I see little things getting answered in my life, and I see doors being opened, but some days I don't feel like I'm any less depressed, some days I just think He forgets about the big things in my life that occupy the majority of my time and thoughts. My mom reminded me that God tells us He will never forget us, but this weekend I spent a lot of time being angry with God, and believe me, I told Him about it. 

Then this morning at church...

The basis of the sermon came out of 2 Corinthians 11 and 12, and the pastor pointed out that God delights in our weaknesses. And when you first think about it, that's really twisted, right? Gee, thanks, we're all sitting here struggling and you're delighting in my struggle. But then the pastor asked a question..."How often would you talk to God if you weren't struggling with the depression, the money struggles, the health problem, the intellectual issues, your social fears, feelings of inadequacy, etc.? How often would He hear from you? Is this issue in your life your main 'lifeline' with God?" WOW. Think about that for a minute. If you're like me then you're answer is, embarrassingly, well, I'd probably only talk to him about 1/4 of what I do now. And let's be honest, that's just plain sad. But the question wasn't posed to make us ashamed of ourselves, but it was asked to humble us. And it is SO humbling. It's in my weaknesses, and there are many, that I cling to my faith because there is nothing else in this world. It's in weakness that I get on my knees and have open communication with God. It's in my weakness that I look at everything in terms of His hand being on it because I want to truly see Him in my life. So, in truth, weakness is pretty darn powerful. And then I reflect on my life, when have I been closest with God? In times when I was deeply upset, when I couldn't see a way out, and when, for lack of a better term, I was quite miserable with myself. So I guess God is training me, and all of us, to remember that He isn't just there in our weakness. When we're ready He'll change it, He will answer us, but it will only happen when we're ready to pray to Him in all things, and not just in times of trouble. So join me in [the attempt] to wait patiently. 

Let's pray together:

Oh Heavenly Father we thank you for messages like this- messages that show us that in true pain YOU are revealed, that when it feels like there is nothing left there is GOD and JESUS. We pray Jesus is glorified in the pain, for none of us has or will ever experience the true pain He did when He gave His life for sinners like us. We pray we remain thankful for our weaknesses. We pray we can be a mirror and simply reflect your love and help hold others up when they feel they have nothing left, because we've been there and have seen what Your love can do. Let us be grateful for weakness; let us delight in it as you do. 

In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Smile, God loves you.

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." 

- 2 Corinthians 11:30

"I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses." 

- 2 Corinthians 12:5

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

- 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 

Take a Look, it's in a Book

The last few posts have had a lot to do with my issues surrounding my dad's death and a lot of the things I don't remember about him, but I do have a legacy of his embedded in me, and that is my love of reading/Literature. I, like my dad, have the ability to read 4 or 5 books at a time. Although the majority of my memories of my dad are vague, one thing I vividly remember are the stack of books that sat on his night stand. I am also blessed in the fact that my mother is also an avid reader, but my mom says my ability to read several books at a time comes from my dad. Anyway, I remember the first book I read was Goldilocks and the Three Bears, well...maybe I just had it memorized but I still count that as my first book. I also think my love of reading lies in the fact that my parents were wonderful enough to ALWAYS read to me when I was little, along with my sisters. My love for reading skyrocketed after my dad's passing; I escaped through every book. For just a few minutes I was able to get out of my head and go into a world all of my own. To this day when I'm feeling really anxious I still pick up a book and read. Lately though I've been reading Christian fiction/books, but this summer I conquered Gone With the Wind, and dang, I can't believe I waited 20 years to read that book. Let me give you an indication of how much I love to read/how much I do read: since May, I've read 14 books, including the 1400+ page Gone With the Wind.

I guess it was no surprise to anyone that I'd want to be a teacher. It gets frustrating when I tell people I want to be a teacher and they tell me "Oh...are you sure? It's hard." Excuse my juvenile thought process in my head "like no, duh." Granted I know I have NO idea how hard it will be until I get there, but God has put me on this path and it's a career I carefully consider and often ask Him "are you sure I can handle this?" and every day I'm met with "yes, little one, I've given this to you for a reason." When people ask me why I want to be a teacher, of course my first response is to touch lives, but I always want to show students the INCREDIBLE worlds that exist outside our own, all contained in one simple word: Literature. Books, books, and more books. Books are an escape, a coping mechanism, and quite the adventures. One minute you're in the depths and anguish of the Civil War with Scarlett O'Hara, the next you're going down a river with Huck Finn, and another moment you're with Elizabeth Benet in England. Oh the wonders of this incredible world! Clearly, I love books, and I dream of having a library in my house some day. I have too many pins on Pinterest of home libraries that I drool over. I can't even study in UGA's main library on any floor other than the first where there are no books because otherwise I'm too overwhelmed and just want to roam the shelves. Put me in a bookstore and I'm there for hours. I walk in, take a deep breath, smell that book-y smell, and I'm in my own heaven on earth. Please pardon my complete nerd moment I just had, but that's what I want to show students. How books can save your life. It doesn't matter where you are, you can get away, and it's as easy as picking up some pages bound together. 

Lately I've been thinking about a bucket list...I mean I'm 20 and have the whole world ahead of me, and one thing I've realized I really, truly want to do is write a book. I would love to be an English teacher for some time, have babies, then become an author (obviously the plan is husband first, babies second, but you get the idea). I guess this thing on the bucket list still depends on me getting my bachelor's and master's degrees, but a girl can dream. It kind of scares me to think about doing something like that, but I know God will see me through if it's part of His plan- we shall see. 

Prayers are much appreciated as I'm facing some big times of change in my life, and change is something I greatly struggle with. 

As always...

Smile, God loves you

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

-Romans 8:28

The Bible Men

One of my favorite days of the year here at UGA came and went this last week: the day when the Bible Men come. If you are a UGA student/faculty/staff member, you know exactly who I'm talking about. These men are older, in their 60s maybe, and come to the school one morning each semester and pass out New Testament Bibles with Psalms and Proverbs. They stand on essentially every corner and simply ask if you'd like a Bible. What kills me is the reaction they're given...one of rudeness, crudeness, disrespect, and sometimes pure meanness. It kills me because these are many people who say they are Christians that react this way. One girl in one of my English classes said, "I mean, I'm a Christian and all, but I love to just take the Bible, give it back to them, and watch the reaction on their faces. They thrust it on me so I thrust it back." Seriously? She lost me at "Christian and all," what is "all" anyway? I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean you "thrust" a Bible back in an older man's face. It just kills me. 

Sometimes these people could be referred to as "lukewarm" Christians. I'm guilty of it too sometimes; we all are. You say you're a Christian, but do you truly know the impact of Christ in your life? Do you know what it's really like to be redeemed, forgiven, favored, blessed, adopted, and chosen (another thing I got from Moore's book)? I think if you really did, you would appreciate these men more. You gladly watch and take the flyers from the Indian, Muslim, Atheist, Jewish, etc. groups, and you laughingly and jokingly take the condoms they hand out on Sexual Health days. I'm not saying anything against taking flyers from the above, if I have a right to talk about what I believe in a public setting they sure as anything do as well. I'm just asking if you're truly thinking about what you're doing when you choose to avoid eye contact when these men ask you if you would like a pocket sized Bible.

Another thing I hear: "I appreciate what they're doing, but they're everywhere." Guess what? God's everywhere. It may be annoying that they stand on every corner and you get offered a little green Bible every 5 minutes, but all you have to do is say "no, thank you," or "I already got one, thanks." Is that so hard? I bet if it was Jesus standing on every corner you'd think differently. And the truth? They're doing Christ's work standing on that corner in their Sunday best on a rainy Tuesday morning, so in a way they ARE Christ standing on that corner. Another thing, they're giving you the key to your salvation. The New Testament, the New Covenant... that little green book contains every answer, every promise, every single thing you need to hear and more. It contains endless pages of the greatest love you've ever known. It offers forgiveness, something we all need on a minute-by-minute basis. But instead, we look down, avoid eye contact, and keep walking.

We've all also seen the man that stands at Tate Plaza with a megaphone telling us all that we're condemned to hell because we go to college and are surrounded by liberal thinking, sex, alcohol, and the media. Well now, that's not the God I know, and although our sin could ultimately not bring us to heaven, I know that as soon as you've accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior you pretty much know you'll be headed for some golden gates once this earthly life is over. These men aren't that man. They smile, say "good morning" and "have a wonderful day." Soooo aggressive I know (not). 

I guess this is just another instance that brings out the hypocrisy of Christianity, not necessarily that we're the hypocrites, but if word got out that a devout Christian ever treated someone of another religion that way, it would just be another example of how elitist we believe we are, how superior our God says we are, etc...which is so far from the truth and the above is full of ignorance, but it's the cold, hard truth. 

I enjoy seeing these older men around campus because they remind me that God is everywhere and that God is love. They really could change someone's life simply by handing them a pocket sized book. God's word changes lives; His unending love changes lives- and these men represent them. My prayer is that these men do not get discouraged and that they are treated better with each visit they make to this campus and every campus they visit. This campus needs more love, that's for sure, and it certainly needs more God...but that's the thing...He IS love, and there is no escaping that.

Oh praise the one who paid my debt!

Smile, God loves you! (yes, you, no matter what lies Satan has put in your head. God loves you and there is nothing you can do to stray from that love. He will always love you. Romans 8:38 tells us that. Sorry for this, I just felt like someone reading this might need that : ])

"Yet [Abraham] did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." - Romans 5:20-21

Fear

I used to be a fearless child. When I was learning how to swim, I would beg not to wear my floaties, and the second my floaties were taken off (often when it was time to leave the pool) I would run full speed ahead and jump into the water. Someone of course would have to save me, but I had no fear- I knew someone would catch me and/or figure out how to get me safely on land. I also remember learning how to use the monkey bars one afternoon with my dad on the swing set in the backyard. As I tried to swing my arms forward I let both go instead of one and hit the ground with a huge thud. Yes, I cried a little, but then my dad made me laugh and I got back up and tried again. 

Things changed after my dad died, and I think understandably so. I became afraid of essentially everything. This fear is the root of the majority of my anxiety. My list of irrational fears is somewhat endless. My fear of college was so bad that my mom and I had a serious conversation about me taking a year off between high school and college and me just working and living at home. 

Even though I didn't become a believer until I was 16, I see God's hand in my life in so many things. I see His hand in the death of my father, in my grandparents moving in, in the death of my grandmother, in my dancing, in my participation in Girl Scouts and earning my Gold Award, in coming to UGA and not staying home, in staying at UGA despite the fact that I hated it and wanted to transfer to KSU. I see His hand in me joining SAO and finally feeling at home in this huge school, in my becoming an RA, in my somewhat not-so-great first year as an RA, in my friendships, in the amazing family I have, in me changing my major, in my much better year as an RA...I see His hand in all of these things, but only after they happen. I'm trying so desperately to see His hand in my life now. 

I was afraid of all of those things listed above, but God gave me the courage to come through on the other side, so I know I will come out on the other side of the fear I feel now, but dang...it's scary. God has opened so many doors for me since I came to college. I look at my life when I was 15, and I never could have imagined that I would be at UGA, in a Christian sorority, be an RA, and be in a major learning to be a high school English teacher. I also never thought I'd go to grad school, but that's looking like the direction I'm headed in. God has placed on my heart to be in a position of leadership in my sorority for the next calendar year, and that kind of scares me. He's also opened a door with a HUGE opportunity for me to study in England for a few weeks this summer. Again, SCARY. My life is nothing like I'd thought it'd be 5 years ago. So thinking about how different my life will be in another 5 years scares me senseless. I know it's silly, I know it is. I know I'm wound up really tight, I know the things that make me anxious are ridiculous. I know these things. I've also reached out to counseling on campus (as hard as that is for me to admit) and like every counselor I've ever seen, they tell me I'm much too hard on myself. It's normal to feel these emotions, but I just think of myself as having such a twisted view of things...I don't know. 

Lately people have told me that my spiritual gift is prayer, and I think they may be right. This last year I've seen my prayers for others come true, and that is so amazing and humbling at the same time...to think God bestowed that power upon me to speak with Him directly. Obviously God is bigger than I am, so He will ultimately do what is His good and pleasing will, but it's still awe-inspiring to see my prayers for others come true. But at the same time, these huge prayers I pray for myself...I'm gettin' nothin'. And that. is. frustrating. In Beth Moore's Believing God (I just finished it...you should all read it, seriously) she talks about how God commanded Joshua and the Israelites to walk around Jericho for 6 days and on the 7th day walk around the city 7 times, and then the wall surrounding the city would fall. No one can tell us why God made them walk for 7 days, wouldn't it just make sense for the wall to fall on the first day since it was going to fall anyway? But it isn't for us to know what makes God "tick". Beth Moore continues on saying that we are walking outside of our city of Jericho right now, waiting for the wall to fall. We must remain faithful and press forward because we never know when the wall will fall. So here I am, plugging along, waiting for this stinking wall to fall, and I'm scared that I will never see the day that it does fall. What if I spend my whole life walking around this city and the dang wall never falls-- that's frustrating. But I do remain faithful, because that's what I'm commanded to do. 

And I keep praying...and praying...and praying. I pray while I brush my teeth, while I walk to class, while I'm in the shower, while I'm in class, on the bus, doing homework, before I go to bed, and in the morning. I enjoy praying. Sometimes God won't let my mind settle at night until I pray for all of the people who've asked me to pray for them/God has placed on my heart. And I see their prayers answered, and that makes me feel good. Still though, I keep thinking "um hey God, when can my prayers for my life, like the BIG prayers, be answered?" But then I remember that it's not for me to know; it's all according to His great purpose. I know He's using this stage of fear/anxiety in my life as a time for me to witness to others. And man, He's shown me that. So many people have reached out to me telling me I inspire them through the words I write here, but let me place that glory on God. Without Him, I can't imagine what my life would be like. This body that I occupy is HIS, this mind is HIS, this life is HIS, and I pray He does great things with me. I realized the other day driving home that my name is Victoria Faith...Victoria meaning "conqueror; victory" and Faith meaning "confidence; trust; belief" so basically...Victory through belief. There it is, folks...my life in a nutshell (hopefully).

Smile, God loves you.

My go-to verse lately: 
"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone" -Colossians 4:2-6

And to mix things up, my go-to song. Enjoy the pick-me-up : ] 
"Long Way Home" by Stephen Curtis Chapman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow