No one likes to be wrong. I HATE being wrong. I'm a perfectionist, I'm OCD, I have an anxiety disorder, I am rarely wrong. Due to the events in my life, I've convinced myself that if I stay 3 steps ahead of the rest of the world that everything will be ok. It worked for the majority of my life, until I became an RA.
When applying to be an RA, they tell you you'll be overworked and underpaid, they tell you you now live in a fish bowl, and they tell you it'll be hard because you work where you live. Heck, they even tell you to expect to be called in the middle of the night. They don't tell you that you'll be called a bitch, or mean, or rude every time you document an incident. They don't tell you that residents will get you out of the shower for a trivial issue. They don't tell you that you have to be empathetic towards little situations like someone's light bulb burnt out or they dropped a toothbrush on the floor. They don't tell you that for every step forward there will be 4 steps backward. They don't tell you that you'll constantly be corrected, and that you'll rarely ever be right. They don't tell you a lot of things.
As an RA you have to humanize and de-humanize yourself at the same time. You have to develop a thick skin while at the same time be so invested in your residents that you're up when they're up and you're down when they're down. You have to put every personal issue aside if a resident needs you. Residents expect you to be a robot, because they majority of your job happens behind the scenes. They tell me I make it "look so easy." Well, you should have seen me 15 minutes ago when I had an emotional breakdown in my room. When you live where you work, you're not allowed to have a bad day, you have to be "on" 24/7. If a resident sees that your face is puffy because you've just been crying and you say you don't want to talk about it, the entire hall knows that you've been crying within 5 minutes. They ask if you're ok, but if you said why you're really upset the entire hall would know that in another 5 minutes. They don't tell you any of this in the many hours of RA training.
Now, I am grateful for my job. I've made friends I know I will have for a lifetime. I really, truly care for my residents. I started praying for them when I found out I was an RA. I pray for them daily. I do want to listen to their problems and I do want to know about their days. There are good times, like last week when I sat in the hall with 5 residents for an hour just talking about our lives, or when a resident makes a great grade on a paper you helped them with. I know I'm supposed to be a servant to God, and I should not complain, but I'm human. I worked so hard to get this position and now I'm questioning all of it. But I know I'm where God wants me to be, and I was so sure of it in August, but right now I'm asking God "why?"
For now, I guess I'll just have to get used to being wrong.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Forgiveness
Yes, Jesus loves me. We all know the Sunday school song; it's really a child's first glimpse at forgiveness. This was one of the first songs Caroline sang...well it went a little like this, "YES! Jeshu ovvv me! YES! Jeshu ovv me!" Regardless of how she sang it, it makes my heart smile to think that at 18 months old she already knew that Jesus loves her.
A HUGE part of Jesus and God's love is His forgiveness. John 3:16 tells us that "for God so loved the world He gave His one and only son." He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus died so that we may be forgiven. Now, if man was made in the image of God, it means that we are capable of the qualities of God, it's just a matter of how we act on them (aka, mess ups=our sins). The Godly quality that I struggle with most is forgiveness. It's difficult for me to forgive others, but even more difficult for me to forgive myself. Now, forgiveness is something I've been working on for a long time. About a year ago, my brother-in-law, Andrew, my sister Jackie, and I had a conversation about forgiveness. Andrew told me I needed to leave every bitter feeling I had towards a person at the cross. God easily forgives us, so why is it so difficult to forgive? Now, and I'm not making this up, at the time we were having this conversation we were driving through the North Georgia Mountains on the way back from his brother's wedding, and Caroline was asleep in her car seat. At the moment we were discussing forgiveness, we drove past a giant cross on the side of the mountain that was all lit up in the night. It was so surreal that I asked if there was actually a cross there or if I was going crazy. The cross was so amazingly beautiful; it looked like it was just floating in the darkness. Background story: you all know Bobby and I had a little 5 month "hiatus," if you will. Well, in those first few months I had a lot of hatred and resentment built up against how we ended, and...maybe, a little bit towards him. Now he and I have talked about all of this which is why I'm comfortable enough to share it on here. So, I had a really hard time forgiving him. Seeing that cross in the night sky was the moment that I began my journey of forgiving him for breaking my heart. Granted, it took until January for me to "finish" forgiving him, but that moment was when it all started. This is the only example I can really think of for a time when I truly forgave someone. And, I think the time it took for me to forgive him had to do with how long it took for us to get back together. You can't start a relationship again if one person has all this built up anger and animosity towards the other.
I guess my main question is why, if I know that Jesus died for my sins, and that I am constantly forgiven for my sins, and I can forgive other people, why can I not forgive myself?
There are things I can think of all the way back in pre-school where I was nasty to someone, and I still feel bad for it. I still beat myself up about little things like that. I think about how rude I was in a moment of frustration with G, or how I snapped at my mom, or lost my patience with a resident. I constantly analyze each situation and dwell on what I did wrong. I asked God for forgiveness, and I was given it, so why can't I forgive myself? I guess...does anyone else have this problem? Any tips on how to make it easier?
Blessings and love.
A HUGE part of Jesus and God's love is His forgiveness. John 3:16 tells us that "for God so loved the world He gave His one and only son." He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus died so that we may be forgiven. Now, if man was made in the image of God, it means that we are capable of the qualities of God, it's just a matter of how we act on them (aka, mess ups=our sins). The Godly quality that I struggle with most is forgiveness. It's difficult for me to forgive others, but even more difficult for me to forgive myself. Now, forgiveness is something I've been working on for a long time. About a year ago, my brother-in-law, Andrew, my sister Jackie, and I had a conversation about forgiveness. Andrew told me I needed to leave every bitter feeling I had towards a person at the cross. God easily forgives us, so why is it so difficult to forgive? Now, and I'm not making this up, at the time we were having this conversation we were driving through the North Georgia Mountains on the way back from his brother's wedding, and Caroline was asleep in her car seat. At the moment we were discussing forgiveness, we drove past a giant cross on the side of the mountain that was all lit up in the night. It was so surreal that I asked if there was actually a cross there or if I was going crazy. The cross was so amazingly beautiful; it looked like it was just floating in the darkness. Background story: you all know Bobby and I had a little 5 month "hiatus," if you will. Well, in those first few months I had a lot of hatred and resentment built up against how we ended, and...maybe, a little bit towards him. Now he and I have talked about all of this which is why I'm comfortable enough to share it on here. So, I had a really hard time forgiving him. Seeing that cross in the night sky was the moment that I began my journey of forgiving him for breaking my heart. Granted, it took until January for me to "finish" forgiving him, but that moment was when it all started. This is the only example I can really think of for a time when I truly forgave someone. And, I think the time it took for me to forgive him had to do with how long it took for us to get back together. You can't start a relationship again if one person has all this built up anger and animosity towards the other.
I guess my main question is why, if I know that Jesus died for my sins, and that I am constantly forgiven for my sins, and I can forgive other people, why can I not forgive myself?
There are things I can think of all the way back in pre-school where I was nasty to someone, and I still feel bad for it. I still beat myself up about little things like that. I think about how rude I was in a moment of frustration with G, or how I snapped at my mom, or lost my patience with a resident. I constantly analyze each situation and dwell on what I did wrong. I asked God for forgiveness, and I was given it, so why can't I forgive myself? I guess...does anyone else have this problem? Any tips on how to make it easier?
Blessings and love.
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