God has been blowing my mind lately. Wow...that's all I can say. I am so undeserving of His grace, mercy, and forgiveness, yet He gives it to me every day.
I spent so many nights crying and on my knees begging to feel Him, see His hand, feel Him guiding me, and now, months later, I feel Him again like I did two years ago. What's even more, is that the last 2 months I've been horrible about my quiet time. I'm lazy and I need some sort of accountability system. Maybe I'll start putting check boxes on my mirror to make sure I do it every day, but despite all of this He is still encouraging me. Just in the last week He has used 4 different people to reach out to me and tell me how they've witnessed changes in me, how they value my honesty in my struggles, etc. But in all of this, I want to point to Him.
I look at my life a year ago, and I never would have thought I'd be here. I'm happy now. Yes, I still get stressed out and anxious, we all do and that's life, but I end every day being, for the most part, truly happy. And I thought I was happy last year, but when it came time for me to be alone, I was just that- alone and lonely. I grew anxious about the fact that I wasn't with my (ex) boyfriend, or with my friends, or at home; I always wanted to do something else. And as outgoing as people say I am, and I am a lot, I do also enjoy my "me" time. Some nights I'd rather be curled up with a book or watching Netflix until the wee hours of the morning, or sit and write to get my feelings out in a positive way, but in the time I spend alone now I'm content, and this is all because of the confidence I have in His love. And when I'm with my friends, I'm happy too. I'm not thinking about how I'd rather be at home alone wallowing in my own pity, I truly enjoy their company, and I think that shows.
He used the experiences in my life, over the last year and a half especially, to refine me. I'm so in love with my job and my sorority that I enjoy doing even the mundane tasks of paperwork. I won't lie to you though, I still get overwhelmed, but then I remember the blessings they serve as and I just keep chugging along.
In the beginning of last semester I didn't work nearly as hard on my school work as I should have. I spent a lot of time crying, thinking, worrying, etc., and I let my school work, my #1 job, fall by the wayside. So far this semester, and it's only been 4 weeks, I've stayed on top of my work. I so badly don't want to go back to that place I was in last semester that I get anxious about assignments due in two weeks. I'm working on it though, making a "Get Done Today" list instead of general to do list so I can feel confident in accomplishing things. I'm praying my way through it too, because I shouldn't be anxious in anything.
Every day I fall more in love with this campus and this city. It legitimately scares me to think about the fact that I graduate in less than a year and a half! These two and a half years have gone by so quickly, and I can't help but think I wasted my sophomore year, but it was all part of His plan, or at least, He used those situations to bring me closer to Him.
To hear people tell me that I've helped them see God in situations, or that they've learned from my journey, baffles me. It completely and utterly takes me by surprise. Me? I spent so many months, years even, asking God "Why me?" out of desperation, wishing my life was different, but now I sit here asking God "Why me? I am so unworthy of You steadfast love. I am so unworthy of You using me to help others." Yet He always meets me with this answer: "I can use you any way I want, little one." And He can. That's both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time! I see Him using my testimony to help others, but I so want to make sure He gets the glory. I don't want others to see my strength, but see His mighty hand and all it can do. An item on my bucket list is the ability to impact people, but I see now that I can do that just by being the young woman I am in Christ. By allowing God to use me and use my journey to help others, I can bring people to His Son, and how amazing is that? My cup overflows. I can't say it enough, and the words I've typed on this screen do very little justice to the emotions I feel. Yes, having these "good times" like now make me think about how my life might soon change and I may not be so happy, and that perhaps God is just preparing me for something that might happen, but if that's the case, either way I know He is there. He is doing it for the good, and never for the bad.
One of my favorite songs right now is the hymn with its contemporary twist, "Come Thou Fount". Just listening to it gives me chills.
Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung my flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
Oh what beautiful words and so pertinent to my life right now!
Smile, God loves you!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Sex, Lies and Purity
It's been on my heart for some time to write about this. It makes me nervous, I'm even a little shaky as I write this, but it's on my heart and I think it needs to be said. I've prayed a lot about what I'm going to say, so hopefully the Spirit speaks through me and this comes across OK.
Being a Christian, we're often told that sex is bad. Not bad in general, but bad outside of the marriage covenant. Here's the thing, the Bible was written a long time ago, and the people in it gave into sexual sin, lust, and immorality. Here were are in 2013 and the media screams sex. You can't open a magazine, turn on the TV, or walk through the book section at Target without it staring you right in the face. And there is so much talk about remaining pure for marriage but there is no clear cut guideline for what "pure" is. The Bible doesn't explicitly say how far is too far, where the "line" is, or what "pure" means in terms of sexual immorality. What exactly constitutes immoral? And we often forget that when we are told to maintain pure bodies and minds, it's not just related to sexual things, but really, we "should" be watching, reading, and listening to things that glorify God. We should speak kind words, love the unlovable, and help the helpless, but we get so caught up in sexual sin and what it means that we forget about those other things.
And the judgment, oh my word the judgment. I go to college, so I'm surrounded by people with varying beliefs. God is the only one who can judge. And Jesus tells us that all sin is equal. So why would you judge someone for making a mistake and having sex but not for making a mistake and having a little to drink? Or cursing? Or disobeying and being disrespectful to their parents? We can't deny that people struggle with their sins, so why focus on condemning the ones who committed sexual sin?
People make mistakes.
But guess what? For every mistake, God forgives you ten fold!
And I think we too often forget this. Because of the stigma that goes with this specific sin or type of sin, people lie. They cover up their transgressions. We all know that how you act on the outside reflects what's happening on the inside. So when people are too ashamed of their sins to admit them and be vulnerable in a safe place, how can we expect them to admit them to God? And then they accept Christ's forgiveness, but we aren't aiding each other in forgiving ourselves (quite possibly one of the hardest things to do) when we don't create an environment for people to openly admit the mistakes they've made. We close off the opportunity for fellowship and the chance to lift each other up in prayer. And God cannot be glorified in a toxic situation like that.
This also always seems to reflect more on the girl than on the boy. But giving a speech on purity and dating and stating that a girl won't be wanted by a man because she isn't pure or clean is completely counterproductive because...Jesus wants her. Jesus wants his bride, no matter what, and He will do whatever it takes to get her. And if she has to commit some sins that finally make her realize His undying love for her, He will still take her. God will stand there with open arms welcoming His bride home. And she will find a man one day, one whom God has picked specifically for her. This man will see her as God does: pure, holy, clean, and innocent. And the same goes for a guy. He will find a woman who sees him as God does.
Ugh, it just kills me how quick people are to condemn. Because if a young man or woman has committed this sin and regrets it, then they are broken. We are to help the brokenhearted find Jesus. We show them Christ's love. And we aren't doing that if we condemn them or make it so they are ashamed to be who they really are and grow in Christ as they can.
Jesus wants everyone. Look at the people God used in the Bible to do extraordinary things. Look at Jesus' disciples. All of these people were far from the perfect, holy beings we try to be on earth. No sin is too great for Christ to wash away. He will always be able to wash away the blood and the dirt and grime. He wants us all.
Real purity is admitting your mistakes. It's offering your body, heart, and mind for God to make clean. It's a daily surrender, and we all struggle with it, so why should we be quick to judge because committing sexual acts seems like a bigger sin than cursing when mad or drinking or gossiping?
And we believe in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his great purpose." "All things" includes the sins we commit. Because through overcoming that sin, we could lead someone to Jesus. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's what I've been thinking about a lot lately, and as always I hope someone got something from this.
Smile, God loves you!
Being a Christian, we're often told that sex is bad. Not bad in general, but bad outside of the marriage covenant. Here's the thing, the Bible was written a long time ago, and the people in it gave into sexual sin, lust, and immorality. Here were are in 2013 and the media screams sex. You can't open a magazine, turn on the TV, or walk through the book section at Target without it staring you right in the face. And there is so much talk about remaining pure for marriage but there is no clear cut guideline for what "pure" is. The Bible doesn't explicitly say how far is too far, where the "line" is, or what "pure" means in terms of sexual immorality. What exactly constitutes immoral? And we often forget that when we are told to maintain pure bodies and minds, it's not just related to sexual things, but really, we "should" be watching, reading, and listening to things that glorify God. We should speak kind words, love the unlovable, and help the helpless, but we get so caught up in sexual sin and what it means that we forget about those other things.
And the judgment, oh my word the judgment. I go to college, so I'm surrounded by people with varying beliefs. God is the only one who can judge. And Jesus tells us that all sin is equal. So why would you judge someone for making a mistake and having sex but not for making a mistake and having a little to drink? Or cursing? Or disobeying and being disrespectful to their parents? We can't deny that people struggle with their sins, so why focus on condemning the ones who committed sexual sin?
People make mistakes.
But guess what? For every mistake, God forgives you ten fold!
And I think we too often forget this. Because of the stigma that goes with this specific sin or type of sin, people lie. They cover up their transgressions. We all know that how you act on the outside reflects what's happening on the inside. So when people are too ashamed of their sins to admit them and be vulnerable in a safe place, how can we expect them to admit them to God? And then they accept Christ's forgiveness, but we aren't aiding each other in forgiving ourselves (quite possibly one of the hardest things to do) when we don't create an environment for people to openly admit the mistakes they've made. We close off the opportunity for fellowship and the chance to lift each other up in prayer. And God cannot be glorified in a toxic situation like that.
This also always seems to reflect more on the girl than on the boy. But giving a speech on purity and dating and stating that a girl won't be wanted by a man because she isn't pure or clean is completely counterproductive because...Jesus wants her. Jesus wants his bride, no matter what, and He will do whatever it takes to get her. And if she has to commit some sins that finally make her realize His undying love for her, He will still take her. God will stand there with open arms welcoming His bride home. And she will find a man one day, one whom God has picked specifically for her. This man will see her as God does: pure, holy, clean, and innocent. And the same goes for a guy. He will find a woman who sees him as God does.
Ugh, it just kills me how quick people are to condemn. Because if a young man or woman has committed this sin and regrets it, then they are broken. We are to help the brokenhearted find Jesus. We show them Christ's love. And we aren't doing that if we condemn them or make it so they are ashamed to be who they really are and grow in Christ as they can.
Jesus wants everyone. Look at the people God used in the Bible to do extraordinary things. Look at Jesus' disciples. All of these people were far from the perfect, holy beings we try to be on earth. No sin is too great for Christ to wash away. He will always be able to wash away the blood and the dirt and grime. He wants us all.
Real purity is admitting your mistakes. It's offering your body, heart, and mind for God to make clean. It's a daily surrender, and we all struggle with it, so why should we be quick to judge because committing sexual acts seems like a bigger sin than cursing when mad or drinking or gossiping?
And we believe in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his great purpose." "All things" includes the sins we commit. Because through overcoming that sin, we could lead someone to Jesus. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's what I've been thinking about a lot lately, and as always I hope someone got something from this.
Smile, God loves you!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart since the beginning of this last summer. After going through my break up in June, I realized how hard I had been trying to keep it together. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I was thrown into a new role as an RA, and I was no longer living on a freshmen hallway where my best friends lived in the rooms all around me. I was also trying to navigate through a very long distanced relationship. My new residents were only a few months younger than me, given that I have a late birthday, and I so badly wanted to make it "look easy." I often felt like a duck in water- calm and collected on top of the water, but under the surface my feet were going a million miles an hour. I was lonely. I didn't quite know how to be friends with my residents while also being an authority figure. My friends that weren't RAs all lived with other friends, and I felt left behind. Not to say that my friends didn't include me, they tried, but it was hard because my schedule was so weird and then once I got into a rut, I just kind of got stuck there.
When I hit my breaking point at the beginning of July, I realized that I had worked so hard to keep this calm, cool, and collected exterior that I completely neglected my interior. I didn't spend that much time in prayer or even quiet time (sadly, getting back into my quite time routine is something I'm currently struggling with, but I still spend time in prayer, but you still need both) and looking back this really affected me. Suddenly I was smack dab in the middle of God's plan, and I was broken, lonely, and terrified. I had SO many loving people around me. I leaped head first into my faith, despite the fact that I couldn't feel God. Little did I know that He was there with arms wide open, He was just at the finish line of reconnecting with Him, and it was a very long way to that line. I realized I had kept so much hidden that I pushed so many friends away. I invested a lot of my time, energy, and emotions into one person when in reality all of that should have been given to God, because when He is #1, everything else falls into place. When I shared a part of my testimony on here in July, I felt liberated. For once I wasn't afraid of other people's judgments, I just wanted someone to get something out of it, and I didn't know that I'd be the one to get the most out of it. Since then I've really tried to be vulnerable and transparent with my faith. It's not easy. I get angry with God. I don't understand His plan. I am full of fear, I worry, and I suffer from anxiety. Those are things I should not deal with simply because it was taken away by Jesus Christ. But I am imperfect. I am weak. I am sinful. But when I am open and honest about my struggles, when I give Him the glory of the strength I (try to) display, I feel fulfilled- and perhaps for the first time in my life.
I've mentioned it before, but I've been humbled by how many people have opened up to me and reached out to talk to be about their lives and their struggles. Through my openness and honesty I've allowed God to shine. I was recently blessed by having a friend tell me my faith has influenced her, especially the way I act when it comes to boys. I know God has a special man out there for me to marry. It may not be for 10 years, but I will wait because what He has planned is always better. Just a year ago I thought I'd be married at 23 and have babies by 25, but I look at that now and laugh. I want to go to graduate school. I want to travel. I'm 20 years old and that's so young. Anyway, this friend told me she really appreciated the way I don't change with the various groups I'm around, and how don't seek male attention or get my fulfillment from that. And man, talk about praises to God for that because the enemy so often tells me I'm not worthy and that I'm not giving Him glory.
I've taken this vulnerability into my job as well. My residents know I'm not perfect, and I no longer try to act like it. I don't hide my face as much if I cry after a bad day. I'm open about my faith- I don't push it on them because that's not my "style" and not my place when it comes to my job. But (I hope) they know my room is a safe place for anyone. I admit my flaws, and all of this has made for a much smoother year. I love coming back to my hall after a long day. Those young women never cease to amaze me, and I'm sure I see and witness more than they think I do, but watching them encourage each other and build each other up is so refreshing in a society that so often teaches women to tear each other down.
Vulnerability is something that our SAO leadership team has really been discussing in depth. We went on our retreat last weekend and man, my world was rocked. These 23 women I have the pleasure of serving with are nothing short of amazing. We shared our testimonies and really "went there." I opened up to them and shared things with them that only few know about, and they did the same. To be allowed in to someone's personal life like that is an honor and a privilege. We shared our hearts, our struggles, and our fears, and you really never know what goes on behind closed doors (or a calm face). God is doing amazing things in their lives, and I am confident in His ability to guide us in the best way for our sorority.
In reality, vulnerability makes a great leader, and a great Christian. Too often we allow ourselves to live in our own little bubbles and let everyone think everything in our life is fine and tied up in ribbons and bows when we are in the depths of despair. And God doesn't want that. Jesus died on the cross to put all of those worries and fears and struggles to death. Unfortunately, the enemy is here, and he isn't going anywhere, so he often puts those thoughts and feelings in our minds and hearts. And when we allow people to think the world doesn't get to us, we show true weakness, because we don't give God the glory in those weaknesses. When we can stand in front of a body of both believers and non-believers, or even just one or two people and say that we struggle with something, we show our imperfections and let God revel in that. We allow Him to shine rather than allow people to think we're perfect. I posted a couple of months ago about His delights in our weakness. In being vulnerable with your followers, you allow them to see God shine in you and you create a safe place where honesty and respect are valued. When your "followers" or in my case, sisterhood, see that you allow God to fill in the gaps, they follow your lead and do the same, and it's at that point that God is truly glorified. In admittance, He is finally given the chance to come in and fill in the gaps, He quenches the fears and anxieties. He weeds the garden and prunes the flowers of our hearts and finally, finally, others can see Jesus. So stand up, admit you're imperfections and struggles with humility. Let God come in and take it all away. Be vulnerable and let His light shine, because His light is the brightest. Let His love do what it was created to do and save. Allowing Him to do this in my life has truly surprised me, and although I often get fearful of the future, I know that I am in the middle of His plan, with His hand on my shoulder guiding me the whole way.
Be Vulnerable.
Smile, God loves you!
When I hit my breaking point at the beginning of July, I realized that I had worked so hard to keep this calm, cool, and collected exterior that I completely neglected my interior. I didn't spend that much time in prayer or even quiet time (sadly, getting back into my quite time routine is something I'm currently struggling with, but I still spend time in prayer, but you still need both) and looking back this really affected me. Suddenly I was smack dab in the middle of God's plan, and I was broken, lonely, and terrified. I had SO many loving people around me. I leaped head first into my faith, despite the fact that I couldn't feel God. Little did I know that He was there with arms wide open, He was just at the finish line of reconnecting with Him, and it was a very long way to that line. I realized I had kept so much hidden that I pushed so many friends away. I invested a lot of my time, energy, and emotions into one person when in reality all of that should have been given to God, because when He is #1, everything else falls into place. When I shared a part of my testimony on here in July, I felt liberated. For once I wasn't afraid of other people's judgments, I just wanted someone to get something out of it, and I didn't know that I'd be the one to get the most out of it. Since then I've really tried to be vulnerable and transparent with my faith. It's not easy. I get angry with God. I don't understand His plan. I am full of fear, I worry, and I suffer from anxiety. Those are things I should not deal with simply because it was taken away by Jesus Christ. But I am imperfect. I am weak. I am sinful. But when I am open and honest about my struggles, when I give Him the glory of the strength I (try to) display, I feel fulfilled- and perhaps for the first time in my life.
I've mentioned it before, but I've been humbled by how many people have opened up to me and reached out to talk to be about their lives and their struggles. Through my openness and honesty I've allowed God to shine. I was recently blessed by having a friend tell me my faith has influenced her, especially the way I act when it comes to boys. I know God has a special man out there for me to marry. It may not be for 10 years, but I will wait because what He has planned is always better. Just a year ago I thought I'd be married at 23 and have babies by 25, but I look at that now and laugh. I want to go to graduate school. I want to travel. I'm 20 years old and that's so young. Anyway, this friend told me she really appreciated the way I don't change with the various groups I'm around, and how don't seek male attention or get my fulfillment from that. And man, talk about praises to God for that because the enemy so often tells me I'm not worthy and that I'm not giving Him glory.
I've taken this vulnerability into my job as well. My residents know I'm not perfect, and I no longer try to act like it. I don't hide my face as much if I cry after a bad day. I'm open about my faith- I don't push it on them because that's not my "style" and not my place when it comes to my job. But (I hope) they know my room is a safe place for anyone. I admit my flaws, and all of this has made for a much smoother year. I love coming back to my hall after a long day. Those young women never cease to amaze me, and I'm sure I see and witness more than they think I do, but watching them encourage each other and build each other up is so refreshing in a society that so often teaches women to tear each other down.
Vulnerability is something that our SAO leadership team has really been discussing in depth. We went on our retreat last weekend and man, my world was rocked. These 23 women I have the pleasure of serving with are nothing short of amazing. We shared our testimonies and really "went there." I opened up to them and shared things with them that only few know about, and they did the same. To be allowed in to someone's personal life like that is an honor and a privilege. We shared our hearts, our struggles, and our fears, and you really never know what goes on behind closed doors (or a calm face). God is doing amazing things in their lives, and I am confident in His ability to guide us in the best way for our sorority.
In reality, vulnerability makes a great leader, and a great Christian. Too often we allow ourselves to live in our own little bubbles and let everyone think everything in our life is fine and tied up in ribbons and bows when we are in the depths of despair. And God doesn't want that. Jesus died on the cross to put all of those worries and fears and struggles to death. Unfortunately, the enemy is here, and he isn't going anywhere, so he often puts those thoughts and feelings in our minds and hearts. And when we allow people to think the world doesn't get to us, we show true weakness, because we don't give God the glory in those weaknesses. When we can stand in front of a body of both believers and non-believers, or even just one or two people and say that we struggle with something, we show our imperfections and let God revel in that. We allow Him to shine rather than allow people to think we're perfect. I posted a couple of months ago about His delights in our weakness. In being vulnerable with your followers, you allow them to see God shine in you and you create a safe place where honesty and respect are valued. When your "followers" or in my case, sisterhood, see that you allow God to fill in the gaps, they follow your lead and do the same, and it's at that point that God is truly glorified. In admittance, He is finally given the chance to come in and fill in the gaps, He quenches the fears and anxieties. He weeds the garden and prunes the flowers of our hearts and finally, finally, others can see Jesus. So stand up, admit you're imperfections and struggles with humility. Let God come in and take it all away. Be vulnerable and let His light shine, because His light is the brightest. Let His love do what it was created to do and save. Allowing Him to do this in my life has truly surprised me, and although I often get fearful of the future, I know that I am in the middle of His plan, with His hand on my shoulder guiding me the whole way.
Be Vulnerable.
Smile, God loves you!
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