Sometimes it's really hard to make sense of life. And man, it's been a year in the life, and I'm struggling. Senior year of high school was hard on me, but senior year of college is one thousand times harder. I've never been this busy or this utterly exhausted before. This year I've journeyed through friends facing suicide, eating disorders, break ups, and "growing up," I've lost the 2nd most important man in my life (after my dad), and now I'm getting ready to graduate and the job search is on. For someone who is prone to anxiety and depression all of this is a recipe for disaster.
I've felt like a ticking time bomb. Sometimes I physically don't feel like I have the time to cry over G, and I know I'm still in denial that he's gone. My family of course checks in on me and so do my wonderful friends, but sometimes I get annoyed with people asking me if I'm ok. That's selfish, I know, but I do. A boy I knew from high school died a few weeks ago from a heroine overdose, and he happened to be my ex's best friend. I spent two summers with him and his girlfriend so his death came as a HUGE shock. I reached out to my ex, though we haven't spoken in almost two years. And it all put me back to that awful place where I was junior year. And I cried. And cried. And cried. The full magnitude of losing Grandpa finally hit me and continues to hit me.
If you've read this blog for awhile, you know I've struggled through suicidal thoughts, and with all of this pressure, stress, and anxiety boiling up, those suicidal thoughts have returned. I'm seeking the help I need, but gosh it's overwhelming! I miss Grandpa SO much and as I scrolled through old pictures today on my camera I found some of him and my heart just breaks a little. That's a lie- it breaks a lot. I don't do well with change, and my life is about to change big time as I journey into the unknown area of adulthood.
I'm still loving teaching, even when the kids frustrate me to no end, but I do love them. I will miss them all SO much when I finish student teaching on April 18th. I can't even talk about how much I will miss them and Allisa because I get teary eyed. I think this whole teaching experience has really saved me this year. Those kids...gosh I can't even say anything. So many of them have faced so much adversity at 15 and 16 and most days I don't know if they learn as much from me as I do from them. They are the world's best distraction. They give me purpose and I've seen what a difference just talking to them makes. When you see a student acting differently and you crouch beside their desk and ask what's going on because they're not acting as they typically do, they realize you care and are so much more willing to work and, more importantly, they trust you. They've really saved me this year.
I can't even really talk about my relationship with God right now because it puzzles me. I've been so so so angry since G died. I'm slowly getting back into my quiet time but most of the time I feel like screaming at Him. Slowly and gradually I feel these walls coming down, but this is a process.
For now though I'm so exhausted at 9:30 on a Friday night that I'm going to bed- Is it Spring Break yet?!
Smile, God loves you!
