Running

I hate running. Despise it, actually. Back in my dancer days (that seems like so long ago), I knew that running was a no-no for dancers. Running tightens your hamstrings, and as a dancer you need flexible hamstrings. I want to find something that I love as much as dancing. Although dancing and I had a love-hate relationship towards the end, man did I love it. I'm still close with one of my ballet teachers, and although she probably didn't know what an impact she had at the time, she really served as an example of what a Godly woman looks like (yes, that's you, Ms. Natalie!). Dancing is not easy. I lost toenails like a 7 year old loses teeth. My toenails still haven't grown back the same way. I have scars from old calluses. I soaked my feet in ice baths. As I grew older dance was my escape- it's where I went to get away from the anxiety, from the anger, the hurt, and where I could show my joy. The weight of the world just didn't seem as heavy while I was in the studio. I can still differentiate between hair spray brands thanks to those 15 years of dancing. At one point though, I hated dance about as much as I hate running.

When I was 10 I decided I wasn't going to audition to be in company (the more "elite" dance group with harder rehearsals, a larger commitment, more opportunities). As I started 6th grade it became apparent that I'd made the wrong decision, and my studio director pulled me aside after tap class one day and asked if I wanted to reconsider my position as a non-company dancer. I said yes. She extended grace to me and allowed me to join without auditioning (I'd been with the studio since I was 5 so she knew me and the way I danced). I grew to respect dance and the things it gave me. Not only was it an escape, but it taught me discipline, respect for authority, respect for my body, a good work ethic, and the ability to push myself beyond my physical limits. Please know though that although I received some honored solos and coveted spots in The Nutcracker, I was not the best dancer. I didn't have a lot of flexibility and I let my fear of falling keep me back. But I had good feet, determination, and I was kick-butt at standing. 

I hope to apply those same principles to running. I hope I grow to love it, to respect it. I pulled my sorry butt out of bed this morning and almost killed myself. I tried to complete Week 4 of the Couch to 5K (C25K) and couldn't. I got through a little over half of it before my vision started to blur and then I figured I'd better stop. But not without feeling horribly guilty and hating on myself. This vicious cycle I'm in- it makes me want to push myself further than I can go, and I end up hating running. Anyway, I decided I'll probably have to repeat Week 3, which only makes sense since I took last week off. I realized I couldn't, and shouldn't beat myself up. God will love me either way, but I can't hurt myself. 

I met with a dietitian earlier this week and she made me feel a lot better about what I've been doing. We came up with some easy meal ideas I could make with the limited kitchen supplies I have living in a residence hall. She's not a fan of numbers- she thinks better goals have to do with fitting into a pair of jeans or a skirt is much better. I liked that. She also said it's almost physically impossible for women to make it back to their "high school skinny" because we get birthing hips and our bodies change. She also said most of us don't keep up the amount of physical activity we did in high school, and a fact of life is that our metabolisms slow down. The best part, she also told me I shouldn't give up my sweet entirely. I'm supposed to rate my hunger level before and after meals, and honor my hunger. If I'm actually hungry, I eat a healthy snack to take the edge off before a next meal. She said depriving yourself of the things you love can only make you want them more, and then you're more likely to go on a binge later. I'm working on self-control, one of the fruits of the Spirit I struggle with the most. 

I've been doing my Made to Crave devotional that I talked about last post, and in it, Lysa suggests taking time to just listen to God. This is something I struggle with. I know precisely when God puts people on my heart, but I have difficulty taking the time to listen to what He has to say. Tuesday morning I sat down to listen to Him, and this is what He said (I wrote it down in my journal as well): "In the last year I've refined your innermost being. You struggled, got angry, hate me, lost patience, and more, but you leaned on me the whole time, only to find small victories in almost any situation. Do not doubt my power or my love for you, little one. You will have those same emotions, but lean not on your own understanding, and I will see you through. I love you, and nothing will change that." 

Wow. I can only describe it as a somewhat out-of-body experience. He spoke through me and into my heart, and hand, as I wrote down those words. God will love me right now, at my heaviest, just as He loved me at my "high-school skinny." I need to celebrate my small victories instead of bashing myself. I need to remember that the King adores me, every pudge, every dimple, and every flab, He still loves. How can I go wrong if I'm trying to treat and honor my body the way He intended? The answer is that I can't. Little victories of today: I actually got out of bed to run instead of rolling over and going back to bed like I wanted to; I only ate three small pieces of the chocolate bar in my fridge, instead of the whole candy bar like I normally would have; when the guy in my class opened up his bag of potato chips, I didn't want to snatch them out of his hands. 

On Facebook today I asked for tips from my running friends, and I was actually very encouraged. Most people said they didn't enjoy running in the beginning, which helped a lot. My supervisor from last year has spent this last year getting healthy, and she pointed me to her blog where she did "30 Days of Motivation." That motivates me to post on here more often and I'm going to start a "motivation wall" next to my mirror. Don't worry, I won't be placing pictures of stick-thin models or anything about "picturing my ideal body," but things like "mind over matter," "healthy is the new skinny," "Just do it," and other things I find on Pinterest. 

And a little humor:

Smile, God loves you. 
No matter what size you are.

Path to a New Me (2)

Let's be honest, I haven't been very good the last week. It started with going home for the weekend where I was showered with Mom's homemade food and desserts, plus our friend, Lara, from Germany visited and brought yummy German chocolates. Then I literally just got back from eating my way through Nashville with my friends/SAO sisters. 

How do I feel?
Pretty disgusted with myself, honestly. Bloated. Fat. Ugly. Yep, that about sums it up.
But the food was SO good. 

But I can't beat myself up, because Jesus still loves me. I'm learning that. I'm also learning that the feelings of being disgusted with myself are Satan's vicious attacks. I need to look at myself and be proud of the internal transformations I've encountered this year. In one week it will be exactly a year ago that I was so depressed that suicide was considered my only option to "get better." Today, I stand here being proud of the person I am. God has done so much with me that I literally sit here crying as I type this because I'm so grateful. I didn't and don't deserve this beautiful life. I am surrounded by incredible people. My family, friends, and SAO sisters encourage me daily; they confront my mess ups; they push me to be a better person; they love me UNCONDITIONALLY. Yet each day I sin, and God still provides abundantly. Since about May I've been stressed about money (I pay for school), and just wondering how I was going to make it through the summer and save enough money to pay for parking, SAO, and books for next semester, as well as parking this summer. Matthew 6:25-34 came into my mind, and I had to remind myself that I cannot worry about those things, God will give me my daily bread. What do you know...? Between Grandpa writing me a check with the "Because I love you" written in the memo line and Kristy's birthday gift to me, I had exactly enough to pay for parking this summer. I had to buy an expensive gift for my class, and that same afternoon I received a gift from Courtney that covered over 2/3 of the cost. And my gift from my mom was that she payed for all of the kitchen things I need and my first week's worth of groceries. Then I had the opportunity to go to Nashville and freaked out a little about dipping into my savings to go, and then, no joke, 2 days before I leave my aunt sends me a check for more than what I need for the weekend.
So now you're sitting there thinking, what does this have to do with a path to a new you...?

All of this reminds me that 

He who promises is FAITHFUL.

If I pursue this weight-loss endeavor with seeing myself as God does and honoring my body and treating it like a temple, then He will remain faithful. The Lord spent the last year refining my inner self, and He has now chosen to convict me with refining my outer self. 

My friend Caitlin (we went to Nashville together) is also on a journey to feeling better on the outside, and she told me about Lysa Terkeurst's book and devotional, Made to Crave, which is about "satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food." Lysa is the president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, and incredible organization (more about that here). Remember a few posts ago I was talking about wanting a woman to be honest with her Christian journey? Well I have found that in Lysa Terkeurst's writing. She's vulnerable about her journey to a healthy lifestyle- she discusses how miserable she felt and how hungry she was in the beginning. She also talks about how she wasn't a Christian for her young adult life and how she got an abortion, along with a string of bad decisions, and how that impacted her decision to become a Christian. Talk about vulnerability! Not only that, but I just bought her 60 Day devotional as well. 

Terkeurst dives into Biblical truths about food, and let me tell you, I did NOT realize how much there was about food in the Bible. Jesus talks about food A LOT. She relates Scripture to what it means to be healthy on the outside as well as having spiritual health. Not only that, but she discusses how this process can bring one closer to God. She also includes "go to scripture" at the end of the book for different "moods" you feel as you embark on and go through this journey. What I needed today: "I was made for more than to be stuck in a vicious cycle. 'You have circled this mountain long enough. Turn North.' -Deuteronomy 2:3"

I've made the decision to make an appointment with the campus nutritionist this week. I want to talk to an expert about what I'm doing and develop an eating plan that works for me, my body type, and my lifestyle. I want to overcome this. 

Smile, God loves you!

Path to a New Me Week 1

So I promised myself I would do this, even though I hate talking about my weight. I posted a week ago about my goal to lose weight, and said I would update weekly, so here we go. I've gone through many phases since my freshman year of college where I count my calories and exercise and feel great, and then I easily fall off the wagon. HOWEVER, there was a point my freshman year where I went to the gym 3-5 days a week and just tried to eat well, and that's really when I lost 13 lbs of the dreaded freshman 15. 

This is more than a goal to lose weight, it's about changing my lifestyle. And let's be real for a minute, I LOVE food, and cheese and I have a very strong relationship (another thing I inherited from my dad according to my mom). My goal is to become a "clean eater" for the most part. I want to look in the mirror and feel good about the way I look. I'm going to focus less on counting calories and more on listening to my body. When I count calories I have a habit of obsessing over the number, don't eat as well, and compete with myself to see how few calories I can eat. I want to focus more on paying attention to if I'm actually hungry or not, and cutting out the majority of my sweets. A large part of this has been inspired by the story of Daniel in the Bible. Daniel refuses to eat the king's rich delicacies and instead insists on eating food that God has prepared for his body and what will make him healthy. He states that he and his friends will eat the food God has given them (ie healthy food) for 10 days, and if they aren't stronger than the king's men they will then eat the king's food. Of course, they end up being stronger than the king's men. This story has actually inspired The Daniel Plan, a whole foods diet about honoring God through healthy living and exercise. It focuses on staying away from gluten because of a lot of the refined and enriched flower we tend to eat, and how that isn't the kind of wheat we should be getting, so I'll be trying a lot of gluten free recipes. For more about that, go here. I want to honor God in how I treat my body- I want to take care of it the way He intended, and this includes exercising and putting good things into my body.

So, today I decided to type up my food diary, goals, and lifestyle changes, and I'll go ahead and share some of that with you...

Goals: lose 15lbs, run a 5k in September

Lifestyle changes/rules:
- walk everywhere possible (to and from class) for those of you unfamiliar with UGA's campus, there are hills EVERYWHERE. It's about a ten minute walk to my class and consists of walking downhill and uphill again, so by walking back and forth to class, I'm doing an extra 20 minutes of walking.
- Eat something light every few hours. I've found I do much better this way, keep my hunger down, and actually consume the same amount of calories. I usually eat 3 meals and 2 snacks throughout the day
- If you can't pronounce an ingredient, don't buy it/don't eat it
- Live by this:

Pinterest helps a lot and is where I've been able to get a lot of inspiration. It's also way easier for me to eat well while I buy my own groceries and cook for myself than being on meal plan. Not eating junk boils down to something simple...I don't buy junk. 

Today was weigh-in day and I'm happy to say that I lost 1.5lbs. Now, I know that's not much, could be water weight, or a variety of other things, it's still 1.5 lbs lighter than I was last week. A friend of mine is training for a 5k with me, so we run 3 times a week (walking and running) for 30 minutes, and I try to get in a good 1 hour workout 2 times a week. We are doing the couch to 5k plan, and for more on that, go here. 

I've also set a goal to try a new recipe each week, and last night my friend Elise (the one running with me) and I tried a cauliflower crust pizza (gluten free). 

Ingredients:
-1 head of cauliflower
- 1/2 cup shredded cheese
-one egg
-oregano

Steps:

1. cut cauliflower into pieces and then chop in food processor (we used a blender) 

2. put cauliflower in microwave for 8 minutes

3. put cauliflower on a paper towel and absorb the moisture out of the cauliflower (this is a step we didn't do, and the crust fell apart slightly)

4. combine cauliflower, one egg, oregano, and cheese in a bowl

5. place mixture on a greased cookie sheet

6. bake in oven at 350 for 10-12 minutes

7. take crust out of oven and add sauce and toppings

8. bake for another 10-12 minutes

Overall, I will definitely try this recipe again; it was very yummy!

I know a few people who read this have said that they, too, are trying either lose weight or eat better, so I hope this helps others. It really helps me that I have a running partner and friends who eat well, so they don't tempt me to eat junk and we can try out new, fun, healthy recipes together.

As always, smile, God loves you!

Some Pinterest inspiration:

Little girl, arise.

I turned 21 yesterday, a day I waited for a long time for. The day before my birthday I went running errands buying a few last minute things for my party, and as I drove home I was struck with such a sense of peace, and realized that for the first time in so long, I am content and so happy with my life. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up last year, 3 days before my 20th birthday, so, needless to say, my 20th birthday wasn't the best...and then you all know how this last year has gone. 

I sat in my car for a moment in awe of the King. He has changed my life in countless ways. I had such a wonderful birthday, apart from me snapping at my friends at one point because of my insecurities, but they quickly put me back on track. I had so many friends drive in from out of town, and them doing that meant so much to me. I cried in my car yesterday because I was so happy. When is the last time I said I cried from happiness? I can't remember either. 

I'm currently reading Fearless by Max Lucado, and in the book he addresses the different fears we have and how Jesus conquers them. I like his approach to writing because he talks about how fear is healthy and normal; it keeps us from reaching for a hot pan, from diving off too high of a cliff, etc. But when fear keeps us from enjoying the lives God has destined for us (ie- worrying about money, where our lives will be in 5 years, how our families are doing, and not being in control), it inhibits us from receiving all that He can give. For a long time now I've felt like God was trying to tell me something, and I couldn't quite articulate it, and when I felt frustrated I felt Him saying "wait," so I did. It's been a few months since that feeling started, and today it all clicked. In the last week or so I've realized I'm content being single as long as I fulfill myself with Jesus. I'm 21 years old, I can be selfish in my dating life, and I can have fun along the way. The desire to be a wife and mother burns so brightly in my heart that I know God will give an amazing Christian man when the time is right, but I digress...

As I was reading Fearless today, I was reading a chapter in which Lucado addresses parental fear and worry over children. He discusses Jairus's situation in Luke, and how Jairus's daughter was dying and he ran to Jesus and asked him to heal his daughter. By the time Jesus, Jairus, and His followers arrived, the little girl was already dead. Now, I can't relate to the worry a parent feels, but hidden in this chapter was the message God has been preparing me for these last few months as "Jesus took her by the hand and called, saying, 'Little girl, arise'" (Luke 8:54). Lucado uses a different version of the Bible, which is why I think this all clicked. 

Little girl, arise.

I broke down and couldn't stop crying. On that night a little less than a year ago, as I sat on the kitchen floor with a knife above my wrist, I waited so desperately to hear His voice calling me to stay on the earth, to tell me it was worth it, that I was worth it, and because of how far I'd fallen I couldn't hear Him. But throughout every step along the way, He encouraged me by placing people in my life, allowing my testimony to affect others, and rewarding me in ways I couldn't have imagined. Even as I write this I can't help but cry. I remember feeling something on that night, but not knowing what it was, and now I do. There was a teeny, tiny voice in the back of my head that kept me from taking my life, and I can finally articulate what it was, despite the fact that I denied it back then. It was the voice of my Savior, quietly saying, "little girl, arise," and I chose life. 

I spent months being angry with God. I couldn't pray because I was mad, so all I did was write down what I was thankful for, what I could praise Him for, and some days all I could be thankful for was a family that loved me, a roof over my head, and a full belly (of course, that in and of itself is SO MUCH to be grateful for). Slowly my heart softened, I could open my Bible again, I could do a daily devotional. I clung to my quiet time at the end of the day, because it was the only time I felt calm. I prayed all day long, but still, I got angry and hurt and confused. I even tried not to be a Christian for a day, and clearly that worked out well. But with every night I spent crying myself to sleep, every morning I didn't want to get out of bed, every time I sat sobbing on my bedroom floor, every angry thought I had, every bout of anxiety, the still, small voice called to me, "little girl, arise."

I couldn't articulate what He was saying until now, but something propelled me forward, helped me fall asleep at night, got me out of bed in the morning, made me dry my tears, calmed my anxious thought, and it was my Prince, calling to me, telling me that I was worthy and loved. I have come so far in a year. As I went "out on the town" last night in this town I never thought I'd be in, at a school I never wanted to go to, as I was surrounded by people who loved me and have become a huge part of my world, I couldn't help but silently thank the Lord for all He's done. A year ago I thought I'd be married by 23. I realize that's not what I want now, because it's not what He wants for me just yet. A year ago I never thought I'd want to write a book, and now that desire burns brightly within me. A year ago I sat crying over a broken 2.5 year relationship, and today I rejoice that it ended and can see the beauty and love I shared with a young man, and be grateful for all he taught me. A year ago my anxiety consumed my life. Today, although at times it consumes me, it does not dictate my day-to-day life. Every step of this journey God has coached me, saying "little girl, arise."

Today I arise from the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the confusion, the desperation, the depression, and the anxiety. Today, I arise because my King calls me to. I don't know what I've done to deserve this beautiful life I lead, but I am forever on my knees thanking Him. 

I know I won't always feel this way. I will get angry, disappointed, confused, anxious, stressed, and perhaps even depressed again, but I will have those emotions knowing I'll be happy again, because Jesus will be calling to me,

"Little girl, ARISE."

Smile, God loves you!!!

Weight.

I don't think it's much of a secret that I've gained some weight in the last year and a half, and especially the last year. I am officially almost 40 lbs heavier than I was in high school, but I think if I lost 40 lbs I'd look pretty unhealthy. When I graduated from high school I did not have hips or boobs, and I have both of those things now, so I'll never be "high school skinny." 

I've always struggled with my weight, and a lot of that has to do with being a dancer. I spent about 15 hours a week in the studio, and that meant 15 hours a week of staring at myself in a leotard and tights, meaning that I could see every dimple, every pudge, etc. I look at pictures of myself in tutus and laugh- back then I thought I was HUGE and I was actually tiny. I remember there being days where I didn't want to eat, and I'd only eat an apple for lunch, but then I'd be starving by the time I got home from school and I'd eat 3 bowls of cereal. The pressure to be a stick-thin ballerina consumed me at times. 

Like most college kids, I gained the dreaded freshman 15, but after counting calories and working out, by the time I finished my freshman year I was within 3 pounds of my high school weight- not too shabby, but I'm not there now. Since my sophomore year of college, I've gone through phases where I count calories really well, and then I binge eat like no other. 

I'll be honest and tell you all that my self-esteem is in the toilet. I'm tired of not liking my body, of feeling ugly, etc. And that's not how God intends me to see myself. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, so why can't I see myself that way? The only way I'm going to be able to lose this weight is if I do it for the Lord. My biggest prayer lately is that I see me the way God sees me. It's such a discouragement to compare myself to others, and it's not healthy at all. So, starting today, I'm doing this for God. I'm working to cut out all the processed junk that our society shoves down our throats, and do some sort of exercise every day. For now, my goal is to lose 15 lbs. Not only that, but I'd like to run a 5k by September and I'm doing the Couch to 5K Plan. I'd like to post my progress on here every week or so. Now that it's out there for the world to see, I'm hoping to keep myself accountable to lose this weight, to tone my body. I want to honor my body by taking care of it because that's what God intended. 

"All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you." -Song of Solomon 4:7

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Smile, God loves you!