Making a Difference

When I was about 13, just around the time I was getting diagnosed with anxiety, I was beginning to question my purpose in this world. Hey, it was middle school, and no one quite knows who they are yet (heck, I still don't.) My grandma suggested that I write down my life goals and work towards them, then she told me to tuck them away and take them out from time to time. So I wrote down my life goals, most of them were mediocre: fall in love, get married, become a mom, but one of them wasn't so mediocre: change a life.

I stated in a previous post that I don't take compliments well, and I don't. I also don't share this goal with many people, but at an SAO recruitment event this last Sunday, we were asked to share a goal, and I shared that one. My sweet friend Sarah stopped me and said, "but Victoria, you change lives every day, just by being an RA." And through this depression I've had so many people reach out to me saying that I've made an impression on their life, but the thing is, I can't seem to believe it. Yes, I've been doing much better in terms of this depression, but I've also had to realize that I've been this deeply depressed for over a year but I just denied it. I've twisted myself into thinking that I'm not good enough, that I don't touch any lives, and that I shouldn't be here. I can see the fact that I'm helping people, that's evident in just the little questions I answer on a day-to-day basis: "Which bus do I take?" "How do I get in touch with my advisor?" "How do I load money onto my Bulldog Bucks account?" etc. etc. But honestly, I know any number of the RAs on campus that could answer those questions just as readily and successfully. I know in my heart that the voice telling me that is Satan, and I know that, it's believing it that's the issue. I know God put me in this building, in this hall, specifically for the 26 young women I live with, but it's so hard for me to truly believe it. All future plans for my life went completely out the window, and I realized that for the last however many years that I've been depressed without noticing it, I've missed out on my life. I've spent so much time planning the future that I failed to enjoy each day. Sometimes I feel like I just rush through the day so I can crawl into my bed in a heap of utter exhaustion, only to toss and turn all night thinking and being anxious, and then the cycle starts all over again. I have been making a concentrated effort to live life day by day. Lately I've considered my day a success if I was actually able to figuratively keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've allowed Satan to control so much of how I think, feel, and act, and that's not OK. I'm working really hard to not make it that way. One thing Jackie asks Caroline when she's misbehaving is if she's being kind. When Caroline is "disrespectful" (in 2 year old terms) Jackie's first response is, "Caroline, are you being kind?" and then Caroline usually says "no" and then Jackie, or Andrew, explains what the kind response to a situation would be. I often ask myself this question throughout the day..."Victoria, are you being kind?" I do it with my thoughts too, especially when I get annoyed with people. Was that thought a kind thought, if it wasn't, how I can I turn it into one? It's difficult. I try to answer every question with kindness and a smile. Sometimes all I can do is smile and be kind while I'm fighting my anxiety behind my exterior. I hope that maybe, just maybe, this action and behavior will help me to convince myself that I am changing, or at least making an impression, on people's lives. The devil LOVES to make me feel insecure. He constantly tells me that I'm ugly, fat, rude, unwanted, undeserving, unworthy, not friendly, and the list goes on and on. But at least if I smile that something I know people will look at, which takes away my worries about my exterior appearance, and if I'm kind I'm not being rude or not friendly. I just wish I could believe that I'm changing lives when God uses people to reaffirm that through their conversations with me.

When I get into bed at night, I ask myself whether the day was Satan's or God's. If I know that I at least tried to hand my thoughts over to Him, allow Him to motivate my actions, or glorified Him, then the day was His. I put a sign beside my bed that says, "Satan CANNOT have this day," and I touch it every night before I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake up (and sometimes in the middle of the night when I can't sleep). I believe in the almighty and all powerful Lord. I don't doubt Him, His power, His love, His mercy, or His plan, but I do doubt myself, and all things about myself. But hey, at least I'm trying.

Smile, God loves you.

Psalm 121
"I lift my eyes up to the hills,
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
He who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
will never slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
The Lord is the shade at your right hand'
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore."

A League of Their Own

"A League of Their Own" (the baseball movie about the women playing during WWII) came on this afternoon, and I was flooded with memories of my dad. On September 19, it will be 14 years since his passing, and I cannot believe it's been that long. Of course the memories of that day haunt my memories and my dreams sometimes, but I try my hardest to remember my daddy the hero and all of the good memories I have of him. I remember watching "A League of Their Own" as a family. One of my dad's favorite lines was when Tom Hanks yelled at a player "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!" Dad would often repeat those lines to me when I was whiny and cried.

I don't often allow myself to spend a lot of time thinking about my dad, because it's a wound that will never heal. I was watching Good Morning America the other day and they had a guest who had lost a loved one and that person, when asked how they've dealt with it, said, "you never get over it. You only learn to live with it." And that's so true. You learn how to live with a hole in your heart and to always feel like something is missing. I don't quite know if a day goes by where I don't think of my dad. Today though, man oh man, it hit me, and I miss my dad. I know that someday I will see him again, but today that empty piece feels really empty.

Sometimes it's hard when I look at Caroline, Robby, and Drew because I know how much my dad would love to play with them, chase them around the house, and spoil them rotten. It hurts that my dad wasn't able to walk my sisters down the aisle, and that he won't be there to do that for me. But I know he's watching us, and that he'd be so proud of the job my mom has done in raising us. I know he'd be proud of his four daughters. Sometimes I'll look at a picture of my sisters and I'm struck by how beautiful they are. When looking at a picture of the 5 Rivard women, it's like you can feel the love radiating out of the photo. I know my dad is smiling knowing how much we love each other, how much we've done for each other, and how far we'd be willing to go to ensure we're all healthy, safe, and happy.

It's hard not to think "what if?" when it comes to what my life would be like if my dad were still alive. I've been reading The Chronicles of Narnia just for something silly to read before I fall asleep, and in it, Aslan (the lion that represents God), says to the characters, "I will never let you know what might have been." And that's so true. God planned my life when He created the heavens and the earth. My life is the way it is for a reason. But today, I'm 6 years old again, hugging one of my daddy's judge's shirts, wondering "why" and "what if."

I love you, Daddy.

My Issue with Social Media

Social media is a great tool and resource, but it's also an incredible nuisance...if that's even the right word. Obviously, this blog is a form of social media, and you've either gotten to this blog because I've shared the link on Facebook, Twitter, or both. Now that I've said that please don't think of me as a hypocrite. 

Lately I've felt convicted to cut back on Facebook. I hate that I get on Facebook and see girls I went to school with taking pictures of themselves making out with boys, beer can in hand, middle finger up. It breaks my heart to see sweet girls who used to be "little" when I danced with them knowing how to pose like Kim Kardashian with their boobs and butt sticking out. What really gets me, is when some people post pictures of half-naked girls saying what they'd like to "do" to her. I immediately delete those friends. Another reason I dislike Facebook: I stalk people. Everyone does. So I start out on a "friend's" page, AKA someone I went to middle school with who had a post/picture that showed up on my news feed. From that "friend" I end up on one of friend's pages, and so on and on, and eventually I'm on some random girl's facebook that lives in God knows where, coveting her life, her faith, her hair, her beauty, her body, her guy friends, basically, her everything. The one thing I don't covet are people's families, because, let's face it, I have the world's greatest one. Anyway, after I'm done coveting her life, the process starts ALL over again until I'm near tears thinking about fat, ugly, unworthy, and unlucky I am. And is this the truth?! No. Why covet other people's lives when I have an undeniably loving God, a family many would love to have, amazing friends, a great job working for and with people I adore, unbelievable sorority sisters who encourage me in my faith, and so much more. This Facebook stalking is especially bad given the really bad place I'm in emotionally. I'm barely hanging on, barely get through a day without shedding some tears, allow the evil one to take over my heart and thoughts, so why look at other people's "amazing" lives when I hardly take the time to look at my blessings? I've thought about deactivating my account for a while, but the downside is that it's a great way to communicate with my residents, it's a way my mom and sisters can be instantly updated on things I'm doing at school, it's a way to look at my precious niece and nephews, and it's an effective way to communicate with my entire sorority and staff. Still, lately I've been trying to only look at the notifications, check what I need to check, and be done. This is a challenge seeing as I've been in the habit of being on Facebook since I was 14. 

Now Twitter...

I like Twitter more than Facebook for the fact that I can't end up on some random person's page coveting their life. HOWEVER, and this is a big one, I get really disappointed in the things I see. I follow celebrities, which is sometimes fun, but other times not. I used to follow "Condescending Wonka" which was really funny at first, until whoever manages the account started tweeting so much about sex positions and all sorts of derogatory comments and curse words. What really made me angry was that our school newspaper, the Red and Black, tweeted the "steamiest lines from 50 Shades of Grey" yesterday. I follow that newspaper to learn about stuff going on around campus to inform my residents about and for my own general interest. I made a moral choice not to read 50 Shades of Grey. It goes against a lot of what I believe in, and too much of any type of lustful behavior is a bad thing. I've seen people become so addicted to that book that it's all they think about, which means they're thinking about things like BDSM or whatever the acronym is, and other "sexy" thoughts. I purposely chose not to read that book, so I really did not appreciate reading those "steamy" lines. I felt corrupted and awkward when I would start to read the tweet thinking it was about an article, only to find out it was about an article of clothing, or lack of. 

Alright, enough with my rant. I'm really trying to read and surround myself with uplifting words, things and people. Today, per the recommendation of my big sis, Ansley, I've started reading Beth Moore's Believing God. I've only read the first chapter, and I was already on my knees praying and crying. I also have an incredible praise though, and that's for my amazing residents. I prayed fervently for them since May, and I prayed God would hand pick the girls for me and me for the girls, and He has proven that He has done so. These girls. Are. Amazing. They're kind and open and come hang out in my room to watch TV and talk. Many have approached me about their love for Jesus and we've gotten to talk about Him. Even though I'm struggling a lot right now with my anxiety and depression, I know at least one of these girls will have a question to ask me, or need me for something, so glory to God for that. I ask that you all please continue on this journey with me, and keep me and my residents in your thoughts and prayers. I'm using this as a time to serve God through serving my residents. Please pray I don't get too distracted with the battle raging within my head and heart that I forget to enjoy these little joys and moments in my life. 

Smile, God loves you!

Victoria

"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go."

-Isaiah 48:17