So it's that time of year, and I can't believe how time flies!!! It's Christmas time and time to celebrate the birth of our Savior. This is known as the most wonderful time of year, but sometimes I cannot help but have a heavy heart as I remember the loved ones who won't be joining us during this festive time. My heart has been hurting these past few days from missing my grandma.
For those of you who don't know, my grandma moved in when I was 8, about a year and a half after my dad's passing, to help with things here and so they could be near my mom (the nurse and medical expert in the family) as grandpa wasn't in good health at the time. I don't really remember the transition being "rough" in terms of having them in the house, but I do remember thinking that Grandma would bake a ton of her famous cookies and cobbler. I didn't realize she would sometimes take on the role of disciplinarian, but she had to. This is NOT to say that she did not spoil me rotten. On cold winter mornings she would take my clothes and put them in the dryer so I could have warm clothes to wear before going out to the bus stop. She woke up early and made my breakfast and lunch every day. Yes, I know how lucky I was, my oh my! Grandma also set the example of the epitome of what it meant to be a Christian woman. I can't even describe the grace (her middle name) and poise she had in every situation. I could probably count on one hand how many times she complained. Her patience could only be described as saintly. When I was 11 and had my first migraine, she sat up with me and rubbed my head and neck until I fell asleep. I also remember a time I spilled an entire bottle of shampoo on my carpet and she spent hours scraping it out of the carpet while I freaked out thinking I'd get in trouble. She was the only one who could perfectly whip up the mashed potatoes, and I don't know if she ever used a baking mix. When my anxiety really got going around age 12, she was the one who could see through everything and sat with me. I also got mono at 12 and every day we sat in the dining room and drank tea and played double solitaire at 2pm (on the days I was too weak to go to school). She tried so hard to get me involved in youth groups and going to church, but my heart just wasn't softened yet to accept Christ. I believed in God, but I didn't truly believe if that makes sense.
On Christmas day of 2005, we lost Grandma in her sleep. At 13 it was still my job to wake everyone up to open presents, and Grandma and Grandpa were the first people I went to. When I went to wake them up, Grandma didn't. She had gone to be with the Lord, and I can just envision the smile on her face and joy she must have felt when she met Him. On Christmas Eve, as I said goodnight, I somehow knew it was the last time I would kiss her warm cheek and hear the "tick tick" of her pacemaker- the most comforting sound in the world because it was Grandma. That night as I slept, I had a dream that she came into the room, kissed my cheek, told me she loved me and that she would never leave me. I remember waking up after that dream and looking at the clock which said it was between 2 and 3 am. When the paramedics came the next morning, they told my mom their best estimate of when she passed was between 2 and 3 am. I know that was no coincidence, and I was the only one she said goodbye to. I don't really believe in ghosts, but I know Grandma came to say goodbye that night.
I'm not the biggest fan of decorating for Christmas, call me Scrooge but it annoys me to put up and take down all those decorations. I LOVE how beautiful they are when they're up. However, Grandma adored decorating for Christmas, she even changed the toilet seat lid to be one with a Christmas wreath painted on it. So this year, despite the fact that I spent hours fiddling with broken tree lights, and spending a good 45 minutes putting up the garland only to realize I put the outdoor and not the indoor, I decided I would have a happy heart as Grandma would have. I do miss her though; oh how my heart aches just thinking about it. I miss falling asleep with my head in her lap to the soft "tick tick" of her pacemaker, I miss watching her make her famous pie crusts, hearing the whirring of her sewing machine, her homemade chicken and dumplings, playing double solitaire, and just the calm nature of her presence. I wish she were here to play with Caroline- I can only imagine how many tutus and princess dresses Grandma would have made for her!
Here we are almost 7 years later. I look back on the heart break, tears, anxiety, and yes, depression, that followed her death. God took Grandma from us on the same day we celebrate the birth of a Savior. God used that amazing woman to soften my heart to His love. Even though I miss her and every year on Christmas it feels like a little piece of me is missing, I know she so desperately wants me, and my family, to celebrate the birth of Christ and not mourn her death because she served Him in any way she could. Every time I hear Steven Curtis Chapman's "Do Everything," I think of Grandma; she did everything to His glory. I hope I age as she did, with poise, grace, patience, understanding, and the faith to get through anything.
On another note, I've debated a lot about posting this, but I do believe in the power of prayer and there are many fewer people who read this than see things on Facebook, so I guess I'll post this for the prayers. During my freshman year, I found a lump in my breast that had to be removed. I was very scared and didn't tell many people about it. Praises to Him because it was a benign tumor. However, during my annual exam the doctor found two more lumps. The chances of them being benign are very high and very likely, but I still have some anxiety about the surgery. It's not a serious surgery, very invasive, and I'll recover in a few days (not a big deal), but I would still love some prayers for a safe surgery.
More importantly, I ask that we all be in prayer for those who are mourning loved ones this holiday. No day is easy, but the holidays are a reminder of family togetherness, and mourning a loved one seems to be more painful at this time. Also, let us remain faithful in prayer for those who are celebrating their first holiday without a loved one because the first one is the most difficult. Let us all open our hearts to those who feel lonely on this holiday and pray that they may open their hearts to His abundant love and know that they are never truly alone.
Smile, God loves you!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Keep Breathing. Keep Walking.
So it seems that lately I've been asked one question repeatedly and by several different people: "Have you every felt lost in your relationship with God?" As I ponder how to answer this question, I laugh to myself and think, "man have I ever." Just read some of my other blog posts and you'll see the frustration, anger, despair, hurt, anxiety, fear, and depression I've felt over the last year or so. But I can gladly and proudly say that all of this has strengthened my faith. And I can see now that God has worked diligently to craft me into someone who can become comfortable to witness to others. I used to keep my faith to myself because I didn't want to pressure others or seem as if I'm pushing my faith onto them. I've seen though, that as people know my heart and know that it lies in Jesus, they are open to ask me questions, and I must be open to answer them.
To think of myself as a witness is funny for me, because I've spent so much of my life feeling ashamed. Even the last 6 months as I learned to navigate through a broken heart I knew the whole time God was refining me. I know that tough times will never cease, but right now I can shout from the rooftops that I am redeemed!
So after answering people's first question, they ask another one: "How do you get through it?" And I look back and can say I have no idea. Sadly, it's in these times of feeling lost that we often begin to doubt our faith. I fought, and I fought hard, to keep my faith alive. I knew all along that God wasn't changing, He wasn't going anywhere, but I was the one who created the distance; I went away. My grandmother served as an incredible inspiration and role model in my life and really pushed me to know God's love. Unfortunately, I didn't come to know him until I was 16, but I did have the chance to observe my grandma and see what it was like to be a Christ-loving woman. Goodness, she radiated with His love. She was patient, kind, graceful, loving, and so much more. It makes me sad to think that I never got to talk to her about Jesus, but as Jackie says, we can confidently know that one day we will dance with her on golden streets and praise the Holy One. But anyway, this summer when things were tough my mom told me that my grandma went through a "lull" in her faith after she had been hospitalized. She felt abandoned by God and her ability to always feel Him seemed to diminish and she felt scared and alone. She spoke with a minister and he told her that we must remain faithful, and she did. Then one day she felt God again, and her faithfulness was rewarded. Now, I often fall short of the amazing woman my grandma was, but hearing that this amazing woman of God felt distanced gave me confidence. Now I've come out on the other side of a rough patch, and it's weird, one day I did just feel Him again.
I also had to realize that I had a choice to see Him. What helped the most was seeing Him in Caroline and Drew every day this summer. I would look at those sweet little faces and be reminded that they were the epitome of what God sees in His children: purity and innocence. I couldn't look at those little chickadees and think "Oh how wonderful, science created them." No, something much bigger and greater had to create them, and His name is God. I also saw Him in the people who surrounded me. The people in my life were able to specifically fulfill my needs of love, attention, companionship, a shoulder to lean/cry on, and more during the difficult time. It's no coincidence they were there; He put them there. It isn't coincidence that my hall is amazing this year. I prayed and prayed and prayed for these young girls, and each and every one of them holds a specific place in my heart- that's no coincidence. And my family...my oh my my beautiful family. We've been through so much and they are my rock and foundation and God certainly knew what He was doing when He created the crazy Rivard daughters.
I also looked at times in my life when God intervened: in my father's death, my grandparents moving in, my grandma's death, the friends I made, my joy in dancing, the way staying with Girl Scouts opened so many opportunities despite the ridicule, making a choice to go to Disney World when I was 17 and having my first love, going to UGA and not my "dream" school, becoming an RA, joining SAO, wanting to become a teacher, applying for a leadership position in SAO. And yes, now I can even say I saw Him in the fallout of that same relationship that started when I was 17. I can see Him in my anxiety and how that thing I don't love so much about myself strengthens my faith. Although there are some loose ends in my life, some more recent than others, I trust Him. When I use these examples in talking to the people who have questions for me, I can only hope they see how He has intervened in their lives.
Of course, it's all so easy for me to say now, after the fact, while they're going through something tough. So what's my answer, you get up, dust yourself off (no matter how many times it takes), and most importantly, you keep breathing and you keep walking. If you breathe and walk then you at least know you're fulfilling His will because you're alive. You may not want to be, you may not feel Him, you may hate Him, but you wouldn't be here if you weren't meant to be. If you look hard enough you'll see Him in those past situations as I have. That's how I answer these friends.
About two months ago I heard Mercy Me's "Bring the Rain" and it struck a cord. It's a beautiful song and the lyrics I feel appropriate for this time in my life are these:
So I pray...
Bring me joy, bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings You glory,
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me, what's a little rain
These lyrics always give me chills. Truly, what is a little rain? What happens after a rainstorm? Everything is wiped clean; it's fresh and new, the perfect time to get up, breathe, and walk.
I can praise God for what I've gone through. Especially in these last few months, He's brought some pretty amazing people into my life. So to my friends struggling, keep the faith. He will come through.
Smile, God loves you!
(And for that we have SO much to smile about!)
To think of myself as a witness is funny for me, because I've spent so much of my life feeling ashamed. Even the last 6 months as I learned to navigate through a broken heart I knew the whole time God was refining me. I know that tough times will never cease, but right now I can shout from the rooftops that I am redeemed!
So after answering people's first question, they ask another one: "How do you get through it?" And I look back and can say I have no idea. Sadly, it's in these times of feeling lost that we often begin to doubt our faith. I fought, and I fought hard, to keep my faith alive. I knew all along that God wasn't changing, He wasn't going anywhere, but I was the one who created the distance; I went away. My grandmother served as an incredible inspiration and role model in my life and really pushed me to know God's love. Unfortunately, I didn't come to know him until I was 16, but I did have the chance to observe my grandma and see what it was like to be a Christ-loving woman. Goodness, she radiated with His love. She was patient, kind, graceful, loving, and so much more. It makes me sad to think that I never got to talk to her about Jesus, but as Jackie says, we can confidently know that one day we will dance with her on golden streets and praise the Holy One. But anyway, this summer when things were tough my mom told me that my grandma went through a "lull" in her faith after she had been hospitalized. She felt abandoned by God and her ability to always feel Him seemed to diminish and she felt scared and alone. She spoke with a minister and he told her that we must remain faithful, and she did. Then one day she felt God again, and her faithfulness was rewarded. Now, I often fall short of the amazing woman my grandma was, but hearing that this amazing woman of God felt distanced gave me confidence. Now I've come out on the other side of a rough patch, and it's weird, one day I did just feel Him again.
I also had to realize that I had a choice to see Him. What helped the most was seeing Him in Caroline and Drew every day this summer. I would look at those sweet little faces and be reminded that they were the epitome of what God sees in His children: purity and innocence. I couldn't look at those little chickadees and think "Oh how wonderful, science created them." No, something much bigger and greater had to create them, and His name is God. I also saw Him in the people who surrounded me. The people in my life were able to specifically fulfill my needs of love, attention, companionship, a shoulder to lean/cry on, and more during the difficult time. It's no coincidence they were there; He put them there. It isn't coincidence that my hall is amazing this year. I prayed and prayed and prayed for these young girls, and each and every one of them holds a specific place in my heart- that's no coincidence. And my family...my oh my my beautiful family. We've been through so much and they are my rock and foundation and God certainly knew what He was doing when He created the crazy Rivard daughters.
I also looked at times in my life when God intervened: in my father's death, my grandparents moving in, my grandma's death, the friends I made, my joy in dancing, the way staying with Girl Scouts opened so many opportunities despite the ridicule, making a choice to go to Disney World when I was 17 and having my first love, going to UGA and not my "dream" school, becoming an RA, joining SAO, wanting to become a teacher, applying for a leadership position in SAO. And yes, now I can even say I saw Him in the fallout of that same relationship that started when I was 17. I can see Him in my anxiety and how that thing I don't love so much about myself strengthens my faith. Although there are some loose ends in my life, some more recent than others, I trust Him. When I use these examples in talking to the people who have questions for me, I can only hope they see how He has intervened in their lives.
Of course, it's all so easy for me to say now, after the fact, while they're going through something tough. So what's my answer, you get up, dust yourself off (no matter how many times it takes), and most importantly, you keep breathing and you keep walking. If you breathe and walk then you at least know you're fulfilling His will because you're alive. You may not want to be, you may not feel Him, you may hate Him, but you wouldn't be here if you weren't meant to be. If you look hard enough you'll see Him in those past situations as I have. That's how I answer these friends.
About two months ago I heard Mercy Me's "Bring the Rain" and it struck a cord. It's a beautiful song and the lyrics I feel appropriate for this time in my life are these:
So I pray...
Bring me joy, bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings You glory,
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me, what's a little rain
These lyrics always give me chills. Truly, what is a little rain? What happens after a rainstorm? Everything is wiped clean; it's fresh and new, the perfect time to get up, breathe, and walk.
I can praise God for what I've gone through. Especially in these last few months, He's brought some pretty amazing people into my life. So to my friends struggling, keep the faith. He will come through.
Smile, God loves you!
(And for that we have SO much to smile about!)
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Every Little Girl's Dream
I'm sure you've seen the news...the Duchess of Cambridge is PREGNANT! Oh my gosh, there is what the world is calling a "royal fetus." Although I think Kate Middleton is poised, graceful, and has wonderful fashion sense and I think it's great whenever God chooses to create a life, I'm a little less than amused with this news.
You see, hearing all of this and seeing everyone's updates on Facebook and tweets on Twitter got me thinking "What about royalty really matters?" Then I got it: the fact that many little girls (and I'm sure boys) want to grow up to be a princess (or a prince). But here's the thing, we're already royalty.
When Caroline was first born, Jackie and Andrew had a hard time deciding whether or not she should play with princesses/watch the movies. I had the movies but never really wore the costumes and such like Caroline does, and neither did my sisters because our dad didn't want us thinking we needed a man to rescue us. And let's be honest, the men in the Disney movies are handsome and sweet, but not always great (Aladdin was a liar, Eugene was a thief, etc). But Jackie read this book about raising girls that talks about the ways princesses make girls feel loved and pretty, and it makes sense in a little girl's brain. Honestly, the influence the princesses have on little girls is of little importance in the way their parents raise them anyway.
Kate Middleton is our version of a modern-day princess (even though she's technically a duchess) and many women look to her with the same eyes they did as little girls watching Cinderella and Aurora. William didn't "rescue" Kate and she's a pretty independent woman. However...
And here's the catch. Ladies, we're all princesses. His princesses. That God that adores us and cherishes us, we're His. And a man did come to our rescue, but he came a long time ago and rescued us in a spiritual way, not in the worldly way like any human can. His name is Jesus. He is the King, so no prince can ever sweep us off of our feet because Jesus has already fought the good fight. No man, not even a God-fearing, Jesus-loving, wonderful man can compare to the King who gave His life for us. God loves us so much that he sent that King so that we may be royalty. Not only that, but Jesus was God's only begotten son. I don't think many of us can imagine giving up a loved one to save the world. I've never experienced what it means to have a child, but I do know the protective love I feel as an aunt, and I don't think I could EVER give up those three little ones. But God did. He saved us. Let me repeat again. We. Are. Royalty. We. Are. Princes. And. Princesses. No amount of clothing, make up, hair style, money, or possessions can change what we look like in His eyes. The "requirements" that come along with being royal are nothing in God's eyes. So please, when you're looking at those pictures of that gorgeous Duchess, or watching a movie, or a reality TV show (like I'm MORE than guilty of) and you find yourself wishing you were more beautiful, had more, achieved more, just remember that you can do no more in His eyes. You're born as a princess, live as a princess, and die as a princess. And you do not serve people, but you serve a gracious, loving, and eternal Father.
"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
~Romans 8:14-17
Smile, God loves you!
You see, hearing all of this and seeing everyone's updates on Facebook and tweets on Twitter got me thinking "What about royalty really matters?" Then I got it: the fact that many little girls (and I'm sure boys) want to grow up to be a princess (or a prince). But here's the thing, we're already royalty.
When Caroline was first born, Jackie and Andrew had a hard time deciding whether or not she should play with princesses/watch the movies. I had the movies but never really wore the costumes and such like Caroline does, and neither did my sisters because our dad didn't want us thinking we needed a man to rescue us. And let's be honest, the men in the Disney movies are handsome and sweet, but not always great (Aladdin was a liar, Eugene was a thief, etc). But Jackie read this book about raising girls that talks about the ways princesses make girls feel loved and pretty, and it makes sense in a little girl's brain. Honestly, the influence the princesses have on little girls is of little importance in the way their parents raise them anyway.
Kate Middleton is our version of a modern-day princess (even though she's technically a duchess) and many women look to her with the same eyes they did as little girls watching Cinderella and Aurora. William didn't "rescue" Kate and she's a pretty independent woman. However...
And here's the catch. Ladies, we're all princesses. His princesses. That God that adores us and cherishes us, we're His. And a man did come to our rescue, but he came a long time ago and rescued us in a spiritual way, not in the worldly way like any human can. His name is Jesus. He is the King, so no prince can ever sweep us off of our feet because Jesus has already fought the good fight. No man, not even a God-fearing, Jesus-loving, wonderful man can compare to the King who gave His life for us. God loves us so much that he sent that King so that we may be royalty. Not only that, but Jesus was God's only begotten son. I don't think many of us can imagine giving up a loved one to save the world. I've never experienced what it means to have a child, but I do know the protective love I feel as an aunt, and I don't think I could EVER give up those three little ones. But God did. He saved us. Let me repeat again. We. Are. Royalty. We. Are. Princes. And. Princesses. No amount of clothing, make up, hair style, money, or possessions can change what we look like in His eyes. The "requirements" that come along with being royal are nothing in God's eyes. So please, when you're looking at those pictures of that gorgeous Duchess, or watching a movie, or a reality TV show (like I'm MORE than guilty of) and you find yourself wishing you were more beautiful, had more, achieved more, just remember that you can do no more in His eyes. You're born as a princess, live as a princess, and die as a princess. And you do not serve people, but you serve a gracious, loving, and eternal Father.
"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
~Romans 8:14-17
Smile, God loves you!
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