Missing You

September is always a hard month for me; it marks however many years ago my dad died. Now, I'm not a person to typically harp on dates, but giving that this was such a huge event in my life it always affects me. This past September 19th marked 13 years since my dad died. It's hard, it really is. It's hard because I was 6, and didn't really get to know him. I knew he loved me. I knew he loved my sisters. I knew he loved my mom. And the majority of the time, knowing those 3 things is enough. Sometimes though, it's not. I've learned over the years from asking questions that when he was little he wanted to be an Astronaut when he grew up, his favorite color was red, the marines was where he learned to smoke, he had a dog named Prince who was his best friend growing up. As I pass each big milestone in my life I wish he was here: getting my driver's license, getting accepted into college, and my high school graduation. It's hard in knowing he isn't going to walk me down the aisle, my children will never know their grandfather. Each time I look at Caroline and Robby I wish my dad were here, to play with them, to comfort them, to spoil them, it hurts. I do have the memories. Like going to the pool with him, playing pirates on the swingset in our backyard, going to Dairy Queen after pre school, playing beauty and the beast, going on neighborhood runs, car trips, and him bringing home donuts after he worked the graveyard shift. They're comforting, but sometimes they aren't enough.

It's hard being in a relationship without your dad too. I so wish Bobby could have met him. I know they could have sat down and talked about History for hours on end. I see so much of my dad in Bobby, heck, they even have the same name. And I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship with a boy who accepts the fact that I'm awkward around male authority figures. I've had to learn a lot of things the hard way about boys. But luckily, Bobby accepts my faults, and the fact that I'm naive when it comes to guys.

I, like every other person, have good days and bad days. Today was one of those days when I just missed him a lot, and the memories of the day he died flooded my brain. I don't like to talk about that day, no one would, but I recently answered some friends' questions about what happened so that's probably why a lot of this has surfaced. I still love him, and I know he still loves me. I know what happened is part of God's plan, and although it has taken me 13 years, I accept it. I am so blessed in every other aspect of my life. But sometimes...I'm still that little girl on a swingset, waiting for her daddy to come play with her. Sometimes, I just need to sit back and remember the wonderful man who is my father, and cherish every memory I have.