Forgiveness

Yes, Jesus loves me. We all know the Sunday school song; it's really a child's first glimpse at forgiveness. This was one of the first songs Caroline sang...well it went a little like this, "YES! Jeshu ovvv me! YES! Jeshu ovv me!" Regardless of how she sang it, it makes my heart smile to think that at 18 months old she already knew that Jesus loves her.

A HUGE part of Jesus and God's love is His forgiveness. John 3:16 tells us that "for God so loved the world He gave His one and only son." He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus died so that we may be forgiven. Now, if man was made in the image of God, it means that we are capable of the qualities of God, it's just a matter of how we act on them (aka, mess ups=our sins). The Godly quality that I struggle with most is forgiveness. It's difficult for me to forgive others, but even more difficult for me to forgive myself. Now, forgiveness is something I've been working on for a long time. About a year ago, my brother-in-law, Andrew, my sister Jackie, and I had a conversation about forgiveness. Andrew told me I needed to leave every bitter feeling I had towards a person at the cross. God easily forgives us, so why is it so difficult to forgive? Now, and I'm not making this up, at the time we were having this conversation we were driving through the North Georgia Mountains on the way back from his brother's wedding, and Caroline was asleep in her car seat. At the moment we were discussing forgiveness, we drove past a giant cross on the side of the mountain that was all lit up in the night. It was so surreal that I asked if there was actually a cross there or if I was going crazy. The cross was so amazingly beautiful; it looked like it was just floating in the darkness. Background story: you all know Bobby and I had a little 5 month "hiatus," if you will. Well, in those first few months I had a lot of hatred and resentment built up against how we ended, and...maybe, a little bit towards him. Now he and I have talked about all of this which is why I'm comfortable enough to share it on here. So, I had a really hard time forgiving him. Seeing that cross in the night sky was the moment that I began my journey of forgiving him for breaking my heart. Granted, it took until January for me to "finish" forgiving him, but that moment was when it all started. This is the only example I can really think of for a time when I truly forgave someone. And, I think the time it took for me to forgive him had to do with how long it took for us to get back together. You can't start a relationship again if one person has all this built up anger and animosity towards the other.

I guess my main question is why, if I know that Jesus died for my sins, and that I am constantly forgiven for my sins, and I can forgive other people, why can I not forgive myself?
There are things I can think of all the way back in pre-school where I was nasty to someone, and I still feel bad for it. I still beat myself up about little things like that. I think about how rude I was in a moment of frustration with G, or how I snapped at my mom, or lost my patience with a resident. I constantly analyze each situation and dwell on what I did wrong. I asked God for forgiveness, and I was given it, so why can't I forgive myself? I guess...does anyone else have this problem? Any tips on how to make it easier?

Blessings and love.