Quarter Life Crisis.

It's official, I've fallen off of my "I'm doing so well!" train. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and yes, physically. A lot of change is just around the corner, and I, someone who loathes change, get very uncomfortable. In the next month I will move rooms again, have to take a final, write two papers, make new door decorations, decorate a new hall, go through RA training for the 3rd time, tackle the large obstacle that is resident move-in, resume my position as SAO Secretary, start SAO recruitment, start classes, find out my school placement, meet my mentor teacher, and start my teaching practicum. Just thinking about all of that makes me want to crawl in bed and not get up until Labor Day. So in being uncomfortable, I revert back to what is familiar, and how I used to handle things. What's familiar is anxiety, depression, darkness, and sadness, so I undo a lot of what I've worked on in the last year. Some pretty dark thoughts are back- thoughts that haven't occurred to me in almost six months, and in the last week or so they've consumed a lot of my thinking. I've allowed Satan to enter into my mind and once again tell me I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not strong enough. He tells me I'm too sensitive. He tells me I'm unwanted, undesirable, and unloved. My past and memories of my mistakes pop into my mind, as constant reminders of my struggle with little emphasis on my victory. 

In addition to what's happening in the next month, I'm reaching the point of "oh crap, what am I doing after I graduate from college?" I know that at this point in my life I'm supposed to be a teacher. I'm more passionate about it than other career paths, I get "fired up" when I talk about school issues and students, but then I have this moment of "is this really what I'm going to do for the rest of my life?" Do I want to start teaching right away? Is getting my master's degree my better option? It's really not that much of a pay raise. My big sis in SAO, Ansley, is an English teacher at Mill Creek High School and advised me to go ahead and get my master's degree so I don't have to take online classes while teaching. 

Grad school. I hope to, want to, and need, to get an assistantship, preferably in Housing to help pay for school while I get my master's in English Ed. That would mean that I would oversee a staff of RAs as a grad student. The package is a sweet deal, and I can't afford more school without it (my debt from undergrad, even with keeping HOPE and going to an in-state school is still ridiculous, but that's another story). So, if I don't get an assistantship then I can't go to grad school. Unless I choose to go to KSU and live at home for two years. KSU has a great education program, and I would save a lot of money, but then I'd also have to find a part-time job in Kennesaw/Marietta, and the thought of going back home to Marietta makes me kind of sick; I just really think I've outgrown my hometown. 

Then there's this whole dream of writing a book and working in young women's ministry. That fire burns pretty brightly too. But, if I pursued ministry I'd want to go to seminary school, but do I really need to do that? More school, more money. I know God will provide, but how can I teach and work in young women's ministry? 

Ending up alone. That's a huge fear. I know, I know, I'm 21 years old and have my whole life ahead of me, I really don't need to think about getting married. It's hard when you get on Facebook every day and there are at least 3 engagements, not to mention your friends are getting engaged/soon to be engaged. Will I find a Godly man willing to be a Spiritual leader for me? Will I have kids one day? Can a man handle the crazy and insane person that I am? Will a man be able to handle my dark past/will his heart be prepared to forgive me? Will I be able to accept his past? The list goes on and on. I know it's useless and pointless to worry. And I had a "come to Jesus" moment a few weeks ago where I realized I needed to stop "looking." My attitude towards the prospect of having a boyfriend in the last six months has been "ain't nobody got time for that," but, being a girl in today's society, you can't meet a guy and not think "what if..?" (also dumb and annoying but that's what society teaches us but that's a whole other can of worms for me to discuss later.) Ultimately, I want to get married and I want to have kids one day. I LOVE being an aunt to Caroline, Robby, Drew, Jacob, and Olivia, but being an aunt (among being the best form of birth control) makes me want kids of my own one day so much more. I know that as long as I pursue my King, Jesus Christ, the Lord will place my "prince" (cue the cheesy) in my path. Yet I still worry.

All of this lately has opened the flood gates to Satan's vicious attacks, to my anxiety, to those dark thoughts, to my loneliness. I've tried to be proactive- I've told my mom and the people I spend the most time with here in Athens so they know what signs to look for, but then that voice in the back of my head tells me that because I've been there before, my friends won't want to put up with me anymore. That voice tells me that I'm made for nothing more than constantly battling anxiety and depression. It tells me that no one is going to want to put up with my irrational, dramatic emotions that happen sometimes. Even though I've worked on those emotions so much they still come out sometimes, and that voice tells me that they'll always be part of me. It hurts. And I'm angry with God, and by golly I tell Him that. Really? We've come so far in a year and He's going to let Satan attack me like that? Jesus you're supposed to be interceding on my behalf, so where the heck are you? These are common thoughts. Yet I'm still blessed by friends who look out for me and fill me up with Biblical truths. Because I've been angry I really haven't been praying much lately- I've been too stuck in my own head. Then today I was in the car and Meredith Andrews' "After All" came on and the floodgates open and I started crying and couldn't stop. I may be angry with Him, pissed occasionally, and I may want to curse Him, but He is there. He is constant. He will never forsake me. He is good (even when I choose not to see it). I need to remind myself of that, and I need to spend some time on my knees praying and crying to that God I love no matter how much it may kill me to do so. Even today as I was making door decs for my future residents, I was thinking about how much I had to do and what my life has in store and I literally heard Him say "could you just shut up and let me work?" I guess sometimes I need a slap in the face, and honestly, I deserved it. 

Tomorrow is a new day. My alarm will go off, and I'll go through the motions until I start to feel things again. The sun will still rise. I just need to keep walking and breathing and trust that He will see me through. But let's be real, that's all wayyy easier said than done.

Smile, God loves you! 
I think I should take my own advice on that one!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the full." -John 10:10

The Biggest Loser

Last week I posted about my desire and conviction to stop watching so much crap TV. I decided to turn to NBC's "The Biggest Loser" on Hulu (don't get me started on how much I hate Hulu-I'm a Netflix girl, thanks to Jackie and Andrew, but Netflix doesn't have TBL). Yes, the show is reality TV, and yes there is some cursing, but it's bleeped out and for the most part, it's a "wholesome" TV show. I also really like that they get to the underlying issue behind the obese/overweight person's weight and health problems. From being told you were ugly every day, a failed marriage, a lost child, being adopted and feeling out of place, or a feeling of worthlessness, the show addresses it. It's quite motivating to watch people with health issues far beyond mine find success. Cheesily (yes I made up that word) I probably cry at the end of every episode because of how emotional the contestants get at their own success- they have such a reason to be proud of themselves! 

When these men and women get vulnerable and feel that their weight makes them undesirable, ugly, unattractive, and worthless, I find myself shouting at my computer, "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!" This was an "ah-ha" moment as I realized that I can see the beauty in these total strangers, but can't always see it in myself. 

Of course, I do not have the amount of weight to lose that they do: my blood pressure is great, I have healthy cholesterol, and my goal is to lose 15-20lbs, not 100+ like their's is. However, we do have something in common--- a desire and commitment to changing our lives with healthy living. 

I do have to say though, Tuesday I had a little taste of sweet victory. I was pretty frustrated because in the two weeks since I went to see the dietitian, I hadn't lost any weight. I had to keep repeating to myself that I wasn't doing this for numbers and that I had to be patient. If I can sit down at the end of the day before God and say that I ate well, I got my body moving, and I never over-ate or ate emotionally, then that day was a success. In Lysa Terkeurst's book she talks about what the scale can't tell you: it can't tell you how many carbs could have affected your weight, how much salt you ate, if you're bloated, or, if you're a woman, what time of the month it is. I had to repeat this to myself too. Monday night I had a little conversation with God and prayed, well, begged, for the numbers on the scale to go down, and in response I heard "I am refining you." I thought, "well that's fine and dandy, but I sure am working my tail off here." But I accepted it nonetheless. To my surprise, I stepped on the scale and lost 2.5 pounds! Did I do a happy dance around my room? You bet I did. 

Now, I think some of the reasons I listed above had to do with that number dropping so much in a week (isn't being a woman grand?- said no one ever), but for the first time in my life I realized that I lost those 2.5lbs the healthy way. I didn't deprive myself; I didn't count calories; I didn't obsess over how much I ate; I didn't skip meals. I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I began to feel full. Did I still feel hungry sometimes? Yes. Are my cravings insane now that my body is changing? Yes. Do I still get discouraged when I look in the mirror? Yes. But, the most important thing is that I am on the road to healthy living, and I lost weight by honoring my body. I didn't fill it up with a bunch of processed foods or use food as an escape. I treated my body the way God intended me to treat it- as holy and a temple.

Another victory has come in the form of a 1 lb bag of trailmix. I have made a bag of trailmix last a week and a half and counting. For some people that's average, but for the old me, that bag would have lasted 3 days, maybe. I would have opened the bag while watching a TV show to escape, and 20 minutes later look down to see a plethora of crumbs displayed on my chest and a half empty bag in front of me. I'd beat myself up, tell myself how disgusting that was, etc. Now, per the dietitian's instructions, she said to measure out the serving size once, and only once, and then "eyeball" every serving after that. So, I know that for me, a 1/3 cup of trailmix is about a hand full and a half. So, I get the handful, eat it, get the little half and close the bag and put it back where it belongs before eating that last little bit. I know it seems like such a simple step, but hey, it works for me. 

RUNNING. Oh the dreaded word! Well, I have one more day to complete the 4th week. It will technically be my 4th time running it this week (each week is composed of 3 days), but Monday was a bit, um, muddy. I'm so lucky to have a friend like Elise who runs with me and encourages me. I have such an accountability partner in her. She's always been a very healthy eater and is aware of what she puts in her body. She's also a former ballerina so she gets a lot that I go through. Granted, her metabolism works about 5x as quickly as mine does, but there is no judgment from her, and she gives me recipes and encourages me. We tried to go running at the State Botanical Gardens on Monday, not thinking about the insane amount of rain we've had lately, and we were ankle deep in mud, so it turned into more of a strenuous hike than a run, but we still got moving! Today I didn't have to push myself until the last 50 seconds out of a total of 16 minutes of running (broken into intervals), which made me feel AWESOME.

New Recipe Time (sorry if this bores everyone, but hopefully it will help out my fellow college peers)

I tried kale chips-- all I can say is "eh." I'm not someone who craves potato chips a lot, I'd rather get my salty kick from trailmix, so maybe if I enjoyed chips more I'd like the kale chips. They aren't bad they're just...different.

Kale Chips:
-1 bunch kale
-olive oil
-salt
-baking sheet and parchment paper

1. preheat oven to 350
2. wash kale and take off stem (they're pretty thick and taste kinda nasty) and rip into bite sized pieces (I used the bagged kale, so this could be where I went wrong, but it's all I could find at the grocery store)
4. Place kale on parchment sheet lines cookie sheet, drizzle with olive oil and salt
5. Bake in oven about 10 minutes (The recipe I used said 10-15 minutes, so I did 12 minutes and almost set off the smoke alarm in Brumby because the kale fried to a crisp, 8 minutes was my magical number)


Healthy Taco Salad:
This I made last night because I had some random stuff in my fridge

-chicken breast
-corn
-avocado
-salsa
-spinach
-cheese
-black beans
-tortilla chips
1.cut chicken strips into bite sized pieces and cooked in a pan with a little olive oil
2. add black beans (drained and rinsed), corn (I used frozen), and spinach until everything is heated
3. place on plate, adding avocado, salsa, and cheese

I skipped out on the tortillas, first because I didn't have any and second because those are calories I didn't want or need. To make sure I didn't eat my weight in tortilla chips, I alternated between 2 chips and then just 3 or 4 bites of the "salad" without chips. I didn't actually count, I just made myself aware of how many tortilla chips I was eating. 

I know several of you have said you, too, are in a journey to healthy living, and I'd love to hear how your journeys are going. 

As always...
Smile, God loves you!

Perseverance (and some recipes!)

As I've been working through Lysa Terkeurst's "Made to Crave" Devotional, and the devotional a few days ago really hit me. First of all, it used one of the verses that I memorized and repeated to myself a lot when things were really bad last summer.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4

It wasn't until I read this in the devotional that I realized 1. how did I de-memorize this verse? and 2. this actually really applies to my healthy eating lifestyle. Results do not come quickly. I realize that at 21 years old, me gaining 40 lbs since I graduated from high school does not look like someone else gaining 40lbs, and that if I lost all of that weight, I'd probably look pretty sickly. Given that, I know that someone people would be more than happy to have the body I do, but I need to honor what I've been given. Anyway, perseverance is EVERYTHING on this journey. I've been eating well and exercising for a couple of weeks now, and haven't lost. any. weight. It's annoying, but I said I wasn't doing this for the numbers, and I think God took that statement and ran with it. I should concentrate on the fact that I worked out 5 days this week, and they were good, solid workouts too. And I didn't go too too crazy with eating on the 4th of July. Yes, I ate a lot and yes, I ate several brownies, but I indulged and have been good today and yesterday. 

On June 30th it was one year since the night I sat on a friend's kitchen floor, scared and alone, knife in hand ready to end my life. Look how far I've come in a year! I cry from happiness a lot (yes that's pathetic but oh well). God has done so much in my inner being in a year, I can't wait to see what He will do with my outer being in the same amount of time. I'm saying this as Satan has waged a war within me. My last post was about some changes I'm making in my life, and Satan is having a field day with placing memories of past mistakes into my mind, leading me to anxious moments and loneliness. But I declared victory over that part of my life, so I am pulling out my go-to pieces of scripture to continue to fight the good fight. I REFUSE to go back to that place I was a year ago. But hey, the testing of my faith produces perseverance, and hopefully, in a year (as long as that seems), I can declare victory over an unhealthy lifestyle, and honor the Lord every step of the way. 

I've also discovered how much I enjoy cooking. I never thought I'd say those words. My cooking experience consisted of sticking Mom's pre-made casseroles in the oven for G and I to eat when Mom still worked 12 hours shifts. I, of course, was capable of following a recipe, but I complained the whole time. Baking is really my first love, and that comes from the countless hours I spent in the kitchen with Grandma before she died. I usually plan out what I'm going to eat after I eat breakfast. That way, I'm not hungry and can rationally think about what I'd like to eat. I do snack between meals, but healthy snacks (veggies and hummus, greek yogurt with fruit, almonds, a little trail mix, etc.). It's fun to throw a bunch of things together and see how they turn out. Plus, let's be real for a minute, I'm a college kid who will graduate with a lot of debt, so cheap and easy meals are the way to go. 

Really, I guess I just eat a lot of chicken and vegetables for dinner. Here are a few of my favorites from the last few weeks:

Meatless Meal:

-whole pasta

-black beans

-mozzarella cheese

-spinach

-balsamic vinegarette

1. Boil water for pasta. While waiting go ahead and drain and rinse the black beans (I used canned and seasoned per Mom's advice)

2. While pasta is cooking, steam spinach in pan with a little bit of water. At the same time, heat the beans either in microwave or in saucepan

3. Drain pasta and place in bowl, mix in beans, spinach, and cheese (I had to get crafty and used my mozzarella string cheese but just tore it up)

4. Drizzle balsamic over it and voila! 

This was a cheap meal to make and I was able to save a lot and eat off of it for a few days.

Pinterest Recipe: Balsamic Marinated Salmon

-salmon fillet

-balsamic dressing

-lemon

-salt/pepper/whatever seasonings you'd like

-aluminum foil

1. Tear off a sheet of aluminum foil and spray with cooking spray or a little oil so salmon doesn't stick to it

2. slice lemon- as much as you'd like!

3. Place salmon on aluminum foil, season to taste, place lemon slices on the fish, then cover in balsamic dressing

4. Wrap aluminum foil so salmon is in a "pocket"

5. Bake at 425 for 7-8 minutes

I paired this with some brown rice and a spinach salad with strawberries and goat cheese.

Ok, so I'm no expert chef, but these are some easy, college kid recipes that I can make out of a residence hall where I have to go to another floor to use a kitchen.

This week has been a good week in terms of eating and exercising, so praises to God for that, I hope this week goes well too!

Smile, God loves you!

Gossip.

"Do you see how short her skirt is?" "Did you hear what they did last night?" "Can you believe he said that?" "I guess that's just the kind of person she is." "I can't believe he did that." 

Gossip. It hurts. It doesn't just hurt the person it's spoken about, it hurts the speaker. I'm coming forward to say that I, Victoria Rivard, am guilty of gossip. I am a girl and it just seems to naturally come up in almost every conversation I am a part of. As a Christian, I pride myself on not being judgmental, but loving someone despite the actions they make that I don't agree with. After all, I am no less of a sinner than my friends and neighbors. But yet how can I be non-judgmental if I still gossip? I'm in a Christian sorority, and the majority of my friends are amazing Christians who have hearts full of love, forgiveness, and kindness, but we all get into ruts where we talk about others.

Don't get me wrong, there is a very large difference between venting to a friend or a loved one about your day or the way in which someone got under your skin at work. Venting is a release; it releases that negative emotion so that you talk through your emotions rather than exploding on someone. If I vent to my mom about someone hurt my feelings at work, she's basically just allowing me to verbalize my feelings, and in the end she usually reminds me to "kill people with kindness" and give people the benefit of the doubt. Venting turns into gossip when you blame that person for what they've done to irk you, rather than forgiving them for hurting your feelings and trying to move on. 

You can also talk about someone out of concern. I know when I was going through a lot my friends got together to talk about me- but they talked about how I was doing, what I needed, what steps I was taking to get better, and how they could help. That's not gossip- that's working to help someone who needs it. 

Gossip is what we do to put others down to make ourselves feel better. And it's not ok. Gossip consumes our society. From gossip magazines to TV shows, we are surrounded by it. And right now, it's actually affecting my outlook on life through it's subliminal, and overt, messages. Given that it's summer time I have a lot of idle time on my hands, so what do I do? Find a new show on Netflix. Right now, that's watching the "new" 90210. I find myself coveting those stick-thin girls' bodies, envying their relationships with guys, even though those relationships involve a lot of sex, cheating, and scandal. What's worse, these young women on the show really do not honor one another. One minute they tear each other down, they apologize, and then they're best friends again. Genuineness is few and far between on the show. I've found myself becoming so sucked into the show that it's affecting my relationships with friends. I'm not treating them with the kindness I should be, and I mimic the actions and reactions of the girls on TV because that's what I'm allowing myself to do. I'm talking about people in ways I shouldn't be. I recognize that what's going on on the show is not OK, but I'm allowing it to settle into my heart and not leave after my eyes watch the show. How sad is that?!

Satan is currently winning in this area of my life, and I don't like that. Over something that seems so minuscule and easy to change, there is an internal battle raging within me. Honestly, before I wrote this post there was a little voice in my head that said "watch one more episode before you tell the world what you're struggling with." Um...no. At least I won victory over Satan in that. I'm allowing the actions and language of these actors to sink into and affect my innermost being- a place I held so sacred and that I spent the last year finally surrendering to Jesus. The last week has been really rough in regards to all of this, and I think a lot of that is I had a huge "come to God moment" about my life on Saturday and spent some really valuable time with Jesus and came to some good conclusions about my future and my life as a single-girl. Add to that my journey of healthy living and Satan is having a field day. He's bringing up aspects of my past that I have not thought about in months- from my past relationship to lost friendships to things I said to loved ones out of anger. Lately he's been telling me that I'm not worth more than my past.

And that is A LIE. Some of you may be thinking, "all of this because of TV shows?" But it's not just about a TV show. It's about the messages I receive through Facebook, twitter, TV, movies, music, and magazines. I can't walk through a grocery store without gossip screaming at me from the magazine rack right by the registers. Yesterday I watched over 3 hours of episodes of a TV show- 4 episodes. That's consuming about 1/5 of the time I spent awake yesterday. How much time did I spend alone with God yesterday? About 20 minutes. 

If I want to be a godly woman, those numbers I listed above just don't make sense. I know the person I am when I spend more time with God. When I read my Bible every day, write down the things I'm thankful for, journal, listen to Christian music, pray, read books that don't include worldly things or minimize what I watch on TV, I like the person I am. I pour into people and get poured into. My heart feels fuller and my mind at peace. I like that girl.

I don't like this girl much, and Satan feed on that. Well no more. I'm going to put down the remote (or computer) and stop watching so much trash TV. Yes, I'll still watch TV, but not the crap I've been watching. I love to read, and in June I only read 3 books- that's pretty sad for me. I need to pick up a book, have more time with God, and spend more time building relationships and building people up, rather than tearing them down to build myself up. Feel free to join me on this journey. 

Smile, God loves you!

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. - Ephesians 4:29