I'm sure you read the title of this blog post and thought, "wait what? You're a Christian!" and I am, and I wholeheartedly believe in God and His promises, but I also realize that despite His perfection, humans are full of imperfections.
I overheard a conversation at the nail salon last week that really got me thinking. Two women were discussing their recent moves to the south and the culture shock that occurs between the North and the South. One woman said to her friend, "now remember, you're in the Bible Belt. These people walk into an institution once a week and then think they're holier than thou. They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk." Hearing this woman say that is not the first time I've heard it; in fact, before I became a Christian, I often thought those things too. And that's the problem with Christianity, it's easy to talk the talk without walking the walk. Being a Christian is hard work. You may read that and laugh, but it is. As a Christian, a certain level of perfection is expected. I am expected to have it together, be nice to everyone, never struggle, etc. That's actually the one thing about the perception of Christianity that annoys me, and I work to break that stereotype through my blog. I want you to see that being a Christian means I still struggle, get angry, lose my temper, get annoyed, and cry in self-pity, BUT in all of that I work to turn to God and point glory to Him. I do not always succeed, but I try, and I have seen this approach to living a Christian life prove successful in reaching non-believers.
It's no secret that I love to read, and I read a lot of Christian books as well as works "traditional" works of fiction. I get frustrated with these self-help Christian books though, because none of these authors seem to "go there," and particularly the women authors don't. These amazing women of God talk about overcoming obstacles, but tip-toe around the actual sin they've faced. In fact, the only female author who has been up-front with her struggles is Mary Beth Chapman (wife to Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman). As I've stated on here before, I want to write a book one day to help young girls learn about God and the tough things we, as women, face in this society, as well as the difficulties of growing up in our culture while trying to maintain a godly life. In the book I'm reading right now, the author talks about how she struggled with living a set-apart life, particularly when it concerned sexual sin, but also discusses how she "a lot," but not "technical sex." Now that's fine and dandy, and I appreciate her vulnerability, but then she just talks about how it was difficult to flee from that temptation, but never gives tangible aspects of how she fled from it, other than remaining in on a Friday night. But, she also mentions that Christians have to live a set-apart life but not in complete seclusion. Now, my head is spinning thinking about all of that.
I work hard to be vulnerable. There are a lot of things I've struggled with that are large parts of my testimony, but I'm not comfortable sharing with the world just yet. However, I know that someday I will be. I'm also not far enough removed from some situations to share, and those situations involve other people. And some of it I'm still working through. You sure bet though that when I write that book to help young teens everywhere that I'll be honest about it, because it will also be about 15 years from now and no one will know the people I refer to, except for a few close friends. I do my best to be vulnerable on this blog, and in my every day life. I realize I'm being a little bit of a hypocrite, but I'm also not writing a book right now nor am I a professional author (yet).
Satan has been attacking me a lot lately, and in my attempts to ward off my anxiety and his attacks, I turn to scripture and work to memorize it. Lately, the one verse that keeps coming to mind is Matthew 16:24, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.'" So, the true weight of this verse hit me. We, as Christians, often talk about dying to self and living in God, and how this verse calls us to do this, but as I was reading this the other night, the word cross stuck and out something just clicked. I always thought of picking up my cross as picking up my burdens and following Christ, knowing that the burdens would lessen along the way. But no, picking up my cross means picking up my death sentence essentially. Not in a morbid way, but picking up my cross means dying to myself. Christ died on a cross, and I, too, must die on my cross. And, just like Christ, I will live an eternal life by dying on that cross. I hope this makes sense because it was a huge epiphany to me. I do not live my life for me- I live it for Him. Christians often use this verse as an example for how to live a life, and it is, it is one of the best scriptural examples, in my opinion. However, we don't let the weight of it sink in. So, let it sink in. We must die to ourselves in order to live a Christ-like life. Being a Christian is almost like dying every day, because every day we make a choice to die to self; every day we make a choice to live like Christ; every day we surrender our hearts and allow God to fill in the gaps.
The problem is not with Christianity as a whole, but the problem lies in individual Christians and our ability to become of the world. The beauty of all of this though, is that picking up our cross may be scary and heavy, but it can be done, and knowing that every Christian must do the same thing means that you're not alone. You're never alone.
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Outgrowing Things
(I realize I've been posting a lot lately, and I'm sorry about that, but I've been kind of bored and writing keeps me from getting too anxious.)
I think most kids have a favorite piece of clothing that they like to wear when they're little. Mine just so happened to be a purple dress with white flowers around the waist. I wore it to my first, and last, Daddy Daughter dance with my dad in Kindergarten. I wore that dress to his funeral. I wore that dress on picture day in 1st grade...and in second grade. Any time my mom would let me wear it, I would. I loved that dress, and it was a fancy dress to me, and I felt pretty wearing it. Well, the day came when the dress no longer fit. I outgrew it. Caroline now plays dress up in that dress, and it's like looking back in time since she and I look so much alike. I don't know whether we're in 2013 or 1997. I've come to realize these last few months that I've kind of outgrown my hometown, Marietta.
When I came to UGA, people always said you couldn't go to school here and not spend a summer in Athens, at which I rolled my eyes and thought "yea right." Well, actually, they were right. Even finishing freshman year, and sophomore year, I didn't think I'd spend a summer here. A lot of that had to do with the boyfriend I had at home, but I also didn't think I could spend more time away from my family than I already was. Funny thing is, now thinking about spending the summer in Marietta makes me cringe. Last summer was, well, miserable. None of my friends were in Marietta: some were abroad, scattered across the country in their hometowns, and a lot were in Athens. Pair with that a broken heart and well, I hated it. It was lonely and boring, but it did give me a great chance to spend time with Mom and G. Caroline and Drew also became my best friends since I spent the majority of the summer with them (some may call it sad, I call it being an aunt.) I also got to spend a lot of time with Jackie and grow closer, which is great.
Marietta holds a lot of memories- good and bad. To think I never wanted to leave that town and now I don't want to go back. I wish I could transport my house and my family to Athens. Granted, I do always breathe a sigh of relief as I drive through the back roads of Kennesaw Mountain and the battlefields because it means I'm home, and it's what I know. I go to be with my family, and that's all that keeps me in Marietta, which is fine because we all know I'd die without the love, support, and laughter that my family supplies me with.
My heart is in Athens, GA- a place I certainly would never have expected it to be. I love this town and this campus so much that I want to go to graduate school here. It's funny because I do like this location because it's not to far from home, but to me, home is where my family is. There are certain comforts of my house, the big blue house I've lived in since I was 3. But we don't take the possessions of this world with us (now I know I won't feel that way when it comes time to leave that house, but I digress). In thinking about grad school I don't want to go anywhere too far from home, but we have this magnet that sits on the fridge at home that says, "Home is Where Your Mom is," and that's really what I mean when I say I don't want to go too far from home. I'm a Mama's girl and I take comfort knowing she can come visit me and go home all within one day.
Marietta holds a lot of memories for me, it's where I grew up, and I've lived there my whole life, but my heart is in Athens. And just like that purple dress, I think I've outgrown it and it's time to go on to bigger and better things and places (even though Athens is smaller!).
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Fearless
Yes this is my second post this week, but I write when I need to calm myself down.
I'm a worry wart. This, too, manifested itself as a part of my life after my dad died. It's something I really don't like about myself. It's a daily struggle for me. I worry about where I'll be tomorrow. I worry about what I will be doing in 5 years. Will I get married? Will I have babies? to: Am I doing enough for my family? Let me also mention I have control issues. I hate not being with my family, because I feel like I have some control when I'm with them. No, I do not want to control what they do, but I feel like I have control that I could be there in 5 minutes if they needed me. My worry used to be debilitating.
I was a senior year in high school when my inability to sleep really got started. My worry kept me awake at night. I was just so anxious about what the next year in college held for me. I'm also the type of person who does not function well on little sleep. But, when I lay in my bed for 8 hours, I'm really probably getting about 6 hours of sleep. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to bed. My mind starts reeling and I just can't turn it off. Over the last 3 years it's gotten a lot better, but it comes and goes. Right now, with finals and realizing I'll be student teaching in a few months and knowing I'll be in Athens all summer...I'm anxious. Add to that that there are some tough things going on with the people I love; I'm not sleeping. You can all see that by the fact that I'm writing on this blog at 1:30 in the morning. I'm usually in bed by midnight. My residents see me up past midnight and ask if I'm ok! My residents...another cause of my worry: did I do enough for them? Was I a good RA? Did I make a difference? Did I offer them each the individual support they needed? I just don't know. Needless to say I haven't been falling asleep until close to 3 am every night and then sleeping until noon. This has to stop before I got home for my 3 week break because two of my little chickadees like to come in my room around 8:30 saying "Toria are you awake?" Oh how I love my little Robby and Caroline (and Drew, Jacob, and Kristy and Luke's little one who hasn't joined us yet!)! Which leads to something else...
I follow the Tripp Halstead updates on Facebook. For those of you who don't know, Tripp Halstead is a two year old who, in October, was hit in the head with a tree limb while playing outside at daycare. It was a freak accident and left him severely brain damaged. Anyway, I was looking at their page and looked at the albums from before his accident. And I thought, "all they did was send their little boy to daycare like they do every other day." And I thought about the Sandy Hook tragedy, and those people just sent their children to school, something millions of people do on a daily basis. Things change in the blink of an eye. So why do I allow my worry to consume my thoughts so much that I can't live in the present? I frustrate myself so much by doing this.
My mom and my sisters tell a story about me from when I was little, before my dad died. I was a fearless child. Like most suburban neighborhoods, we have a pool down the street, and we spent almost every day during the summer at the pool. Well, when I was learning to swim I hated my floaties, but what kid doesn't? I wanted to be like my sisters and swim without help and in the deep end. So in the 2 seconds in which my family would turn around to put my floaties in the pool bag, I would run full speed ahead and throw myself into the pool (such an obedient child, clearly.). Needless to say I would give everyone a heart attack and someone would have to jump in after me and save me. I'm sure my family learned to anticipate this happening.
I would jump into those waters because I knew someone would save me. I knew that with help my head would pop back up out of the water. The water should have been scary, but I had no fear of it, I knew I would have help and no one would let anything bad happen to me. This leads me to my question: Why am I not like that with God? Trusting God is like standing on the edge of the pool, I say I run into those waters, but right as I get to the edge I hesitate. Why? Because it's scary- but jumping into that pool was scary. But I knew my family would save me. Well, the Bible teaches me that God will always save me. In fact, I've already been saved through Christ. But Satan tells me otherwise. He tells me that there are dangers in those waters. Satan tells me that God won't be there to save me. Yet I've seen throughout so many times in my life, especially in the last year, that God will never abandon me. He won't ever let me get to a point where I'm not capable of being saved. But it's hard. It's hard to dive into the deep end with God. So many aspects of this world tell me no.
As I watched the news today I saw coverage of the Boston bombers, and then learned that there was a shooting at the Houston airport. My heart breaks. And the only thought that came to my mind was, "this world needs Jesus." We live in a scary world, and our lives can change in an instant. And following God and jumping into the depths of his love and water is hard; it's scary, because sometimes He gives us answers we don't want, and sometimes He allows us to go through things so that He can refine us. But why am I so fearful all the time? I don't want the enemy to win my heart or my thoughts. I want God to.
I want to be fearless.
Do you?
Smile, God loves you!
"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
"Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more that food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6: 25-27
I'm a worry wart. This, too, manifested itself as a part of my life after my dad died. It's something I really don't like about myself. It's a daily struggle for me. I worry about where I'll be tomorrow. I worry about what I will be doing in 5 years. Will I get married? Will I have babies? to: Am I doing enough for my family? Let me also mention I have control issues. I hate not being with my family, because I feel like I have some control when I'm with them. No, I do not want to control what they do, but I feel like I have control that I could be there in 5 minutes if they needed me. My worry used to be debilitating.
I was a senior year in high school when my inability to sleep really got started. My worry kept me awake at night. I was just so anxious about what the next year in college held for me. I'm also the type of person who does not function well on little sleep. But, when I lay in my bed for 8 hours, I'm really probably getting about 6 hours of sleep. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to bed. My mind starts reeling and I just can't turn it off. Over the last 3 years it's gotten a lot better, but it comes and goes. Right now, with finals and realizing I'll be student teaching in a few months and knowing I'll be in Athens all summer...I'm anxious. Add to that that there are some tough things going on with the people I love; I'm not sleeping. You can all see that by the fact that I'm writing on this blog at 1:30 in the morning. I'm usually in bed by midnight. My residents see me up past midnight and ask if I'm ok! My residents...another cause of my worry: did I do enough for them? Was I a good RA? Did I make a difference? Did I offer them each the individual support they needed? I just don't know. Needless to say I haven't been falling asleep until close to 3 am every night and then sleeping until noon. This has to stop before I got home for my 3 week break because two of my little chickadees like to come in my room around 8:30 saying "Toria are you awake?" Oh how I love my little Robby and Caroline (and Drew, Jacob, and Kristy and Luke's little one who hasn't joined us yet!)! Which leads to something else...
I follow the Tripp Halstead updates on Facebook. For those of you who don't know, Tripp Halstead is a two year old who, in October, was hit in the head with a tree limb while playing outside at daycare. It was a freak accident and left him severely brain damaged. Anyway, I was looking at their page and looked at the albums from before his accident. And I thought, "all they did was send their little boy to daycare like they do every other day." And I thought about the Sandy Hook tragedy, and those people just sent their children to school, something millions of people do on a daily basis. Things change in the blink of an eye. So why do I allow my worry to consume my thoughts so much that I can't live in the present? I frustrate myself so much by doing this.
My mom and my sisters tell a story about me from when I was little, before my dad died. I was a fearless child. Like most suburban neighborhoods, we have a pool down the street, and we spent almost every day during the summer at the pool. Well, when I was learning to swim I hated my floaties, but what kid doesn't? I wanted to be like my sisters and swim without help and in the deep end. So in the 2 seconds in which my family would turn around to put my floaties in the pool bag, I would run full speed ahead and throw myself into the pool (such an obedient child, clearly.). Needless to say I would give everyone a heart attack and someone would have to jump in after me and save me. I'm sure my family learned to anticipate this happening.
I would jump into those waters because I knew someone would save me. I knew that with help my head would pop back up out of the water. The water should have been scary, but I had no fear of it, I knew I would have help and no one would let anything bad happen to me. This leads me to my question: Why am I not like that with God? Trusting God is like standing on the edge of the pool, I say I run into those waters, but right as I get to the edge I hesitate. Why? Because it's scary- but jumping into that pool was scary. But I knew my family would save me. Well, the Bible teaches me that God will always save me. In fact, I've already been saved through Christ. But Satan tells me otherwise. He tells me that there are dangers in those waters. Satan tells me that God won't be there to save me. Yet I've seen throughout so many times in my life, especially in the last year, that God will never abandon me. He won't ever let me get to a point where I'm not capable of being saved. But it's hard. It's hard to dive into the deep end with God. So many aspects of this world tell me no.
As I watched the news today I saw coverage of the Boston bombers, and then learned that there was a shooting at the Houston airport. My heart breaks. And the only thought that came to my mind was, "this world needs Jesus." We live in a scary world, and our lives can change in an instant. And following God and jumping into the depths of his love and water is hard; it's scary, because sometimes He gives us answers we don't want, and sometimes He allows us to go through things so that He can refine us. But why am I so fearful all the time? I don't want the enemy to win my heart or my thoughts. I want God to.
I want to be fearless.
Do you?
Smile, God loves you!
"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
"Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more that food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6: 25-27
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