Cravings

I should really be getting ready for bed, but right now there are too many things on my heart and mind to go to bed. Today was a good day- a really good day. I'm exhausted, as usual, but who isn't?

You all know how crazy life has been lately, but let's be honest, I thrive on being busy because it gives me less time to be inside of my head. A couple of weeks ago things were not so good- I wasn't sleeping, I was super anxious all of the time, and I could feel my old enemy named depression creeping back up again. I defeated it though (for now). I've been so good about having my quiet time, and man, am I a better person when I spend an amount of time with my undivided attention focused on God. It's not enough time, but it's the time I've dedicated each day. It really helps calm me down. I've gotten to that point again where I crave that quiet time with the Lord. It also helps that in my journal I write down my praises for the day- it consists of everything from a roof over my head to a sweet text a friend sent me. I also praise throughout the day, and it's funny- the more I praise God and all He's given me, the happier I am. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, it's when I choose to find joy in things that I truly find joy in them. Joy isn't some destination that we will one day reach, joy is here. It's now. It's a choice. 

I listen to 104.7 the Fish on my drive to school on Mondays and Wednesdays- I really like Kevin and Taylor in the morning. Anyway, about a month ago they had an interview with UGA Head Football coach Mark Richt, who is known for being a very strong Christian man, and his son. They asked Richt's son what it was like when his dad was ridiculed, and his son replied that he got more upset and offended by what others said that his dad did. He said he'd had the opportunity to watch his dad reveal who he truly was, and where his worth really lay. Kevin then asked Mark Richt to clarify, and his comment has really stuck with me. Mark Richt said that when people criticize him, they're not going after him, they're going after Georgia's head football coach. When they praise him, they're praising Georgia's head football coach. He said that no matter how mean people are, how cruel they are, what they say, he can turn away from it because he knows where his worth lies- in Jesus Christ. 

I literally sat in the car with chills up and down my arms. This may seem silly that a football coach saying something would get to me, but I just thought, "Wow." Someone in such a position of power who has faced immeasurable ridicule says that his worth is not in his job or his deeds, but in Jesus Christ. And I've really tried to remember this. My worth is not in what a student says to me, a rude comment, or anything else. My worth is in a man who died for me. He sacrificed his life for mine. Let that sink in for a minute. 

Last week my cohort members and I got back some not-so-good grades. The assignment was due the same week that EVERYTHING, including a 15 page case study, was due. We'd all, myself included, joked about how that particular assignment fell on the back burner. We got the grades back, and no, I was not happy. I'm used to getting good grades, and although I got a B, I knew I could have done much better. Others did worse, others did better. Normally, I would have let that grade bother me all day, but I just let it go. That grade doesn't determine what kind of person I am, whether or not I'll graduate, or what kind of teacher I'll be. In reality, it doesn't mean that much. I let it go. If you know me, I don't let things go easily, so clearly my heart is changing in some amazing ways, all thanks to His grace. 

I've been reading A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp before I go to bed each night. She writes a "dare to live fully right where you are," and it's all about finding God's blessings everywhere, even in the bad things. God doesn't make mistakes, so why I act like he does? I crave so many things in my life- chocolate, caffeine, friendship, a good job, a relationship, and more. I realized today while listening to a favorite song and driving through country roads on this crisp fall day that I'm OK. I'm ok with where my life is. I'm ok with spending a lot of time alone. I'm ok with being single. I'm ok with this crazy lifestyle. I am happy, and it feels so good. I want to crave God the way I crave all of those other things. I want to see His blessings more than I crave anything else. I want to see Him more than anything else. Voskamp's book is so amazing, but so dense with some huge ideas that I have to read slowly. I "dog eared" a page in the book from the other night, and she so eloquently says how I've been feeling lately...

She talks about a tough summer, and scar tissue- man did I have a tough summer last year and have some serious scar tissue built up around my heart. When I read Voskamp's words it was like hearing God speak straight into my heart. Yes, it's long, but read it, and let it sink in. She sums up all that I'm feeling but in such a beautiful, beautiful way. 

     "Yes, the whole of life, these exercises to break down the knotting scar tissue from the fall. A summer of pain. Always the running. A summer of grace. Always the revelation. Pain is everywhere, and whatever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes, Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is what I want. 
     This kingdom laden with glory, this, this pearl of great price, the field I'd sell everything to possess. This is the pearl that crams me with happiness that throbs, serrated edge, pit open wide for more of His glory. 
     The only place we have to come before we die is the place of seeing God.
     This is what I'm famished for: more of the God-glory.
     I whisper with the blind beggar, 'Lord, I want to see' (Luke 18:41). 
     That's my moaning pulse: 'See. See.'" (108).

Smile, God loves you!