Busy and Overwhelmed

Well, as of 4:45 this afternoon I survived my first week of the "hardest and worse year of [my] college career," at least that's how everyone prefaces the year of English Ed practicum and student teaching. I have been told from various people that EE is one of the hardest education programs at UGA. 

How do I feel, you ask? Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Inadequate. Unprepared. Anxious. 

I was doing pretty well until I got the short end of the stick for showing up late for duty because I got out of class at 4:45 on the opposite side of campus and couldn't get back here until 5, even though I did what I was told and told a supervisor for the evening that I'd be late. Then the bus was late. Then I snapped at someone which caused them to get defensive. And then I come into my room and there is this horrible smell of rotten food (despite having cleaned out my "pantry" and fridge), and I don't want my residents to have a smelly RA. That last reason is completely irrational I know, but I just lost it and just finished having my first break down of what I'm sure will be many this year. I let myself cry for about 5 minutes and then I got myself together. I think that's pretty reasonable. Oh, and I have myself locked in my room until I calm down and can then go concentrate and love on my residents. I just needed a little "me" time for about 20 minutes to recharge so I can hopefully be a good RA to them. 

Why are you having those emotions? Well, my week looks a little like this:

Sunday at 8-9 pm: RA meeting 
Monday:
5:15 am- get up
6:30 am- leave Athens
7:45 am- must be at RCA
4:30 pm (ish)- leave RCA
5:30-8pm- SAO exec meetings and chapter

Tuesday:
5:15 am- wake up
5:30 am- go for a run
7:30 am- leave for class
8am-4:45pm- in class in the same room in the education building

Wednesday:
Same as Monday except then I go on duty at 5pm which means I have to leave RCA before 4:00pm. Luckily Allisa (my mentor teacher AKA "MT") has a doctoral class in Athens at 5 so I don't feel guilty for leaving early. 

Thursday: 
same as Tuesday

Friday: "off" except every other week I have a meeting with my supervisory team for EE and every other week I have a one-on-one meeting with my supervisor for Housing. 

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm taking 5 different classes with my cohort (the 23 other English Ed majors in the program). One person has already dropped the major because just hearing about all we have to do overwhelmed her. Our Teaching Team says it's pretty typical for 2-3 people to drop. My work load is insane, consisting of 6 textbook chapters, 5 article readings that are 30-60 pages each, 1 essay response, 1 discussion post and a comment on a classmate's post, a presentation and rationale, observing and taking formal notes on my MT, observing and taking formal notes on a student, commenting on a classmate's blogpost, and writing a blogpost on my teacher blog (missrivard.blogspot.com- feel free to read that too, but it's mostly professional stuff, I decided to use this one for more personal posts since I don't think discussing my anxiety freak outs and Jesus on a teacher blog is appropriate just yet). Add to that trying to get to know my residents and catering to their needs- I'm pooped. It's hard to get all of that done and go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

I'm complaining a lot, I know, but quite honestly I'm just needing to vent right now. And since this blog is private now and the only people to follow this are big parts of my life, I feel comfortable doing so. Thanks for reading, I really just needed that vent session. Now I will unlock my door and go love on my residents. Poor things, they never see me (feeling of inadequacy). 

I really am loving my MT and RCA, like so much. But then I have this nagging feeling that says, "is this really what you're supposed to be doing?" I know it's God's plan for me right now, and I just think it's Satan picking at me while I'm weak. Coming into college and throughout my high school career, I didn't think I'd be a teacher, but God has provided and shown me that this is where He wants me. Every morning I have the same prayer, "Lord, please just give me the strength to get through the day," and He has. I think this afternoon I knew the craziness was over and so I could look to what lies ahead tomorrow rather than taking it one day at a time and I just freaked out a little.

Needless to say, prayers would be GREATLY appreciated.

Smile, God loves you!