It's official, I've fallen off of my "I'm doing so well!" train. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and yes, physically. A lot of change is just around the corner, and I, someone who loathes change, get very uncomfortable. In the next month I will move rooms again, have to take a final, write two papers, make new door decorations, decorate a new hall, go through RA training for the 3rd time, tackle the large obstacle that is resident move-in, resume my position as SAO Secretary, start SAO recruitment, start classes, find out my school placement, meet my mentor teacher, and start my teaching practicum. Just thinking about all of that makes me want to crawl in bed and not get up until Labor Day. So in being uncomfortable, I revert back to what is familiar, and how I used to handle things. What's familiar is anxiety, depression, darkness, and sadness, so I undo a lot of what I've worked on in the last year. Some pretty dark thoughts are back- thoughts that haven't occurred to me in almost six months, and in the last week or so they've consumed a lot of my thinking. I've allowed Satan to enter into my mind and once again tell me I'm not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not strong enough. He tells me I'm too sensitive. He tells me I'm unwanted, undesirable, and unloved. My past and memories of my mistakes pop into my mind, as constant reminders of my struggle with little emphasis on my victory.
In addition to what's happening in the next month, I'm reaching the point of "oh crap, what am I doing after I graduate from college?" I know that at this point in my life I'm supposed to be a teacher. I'm more passionate about it than other career paths, I get "fired up" when I talk about school issues and students, but then I have this moment of "is this really what I'm going to do for the rest of my life?" Do I want to start teaching right away? Is getting my master's degree my better option? It's really not that much of a pay raise. My big sis in SAO, Ansley, is an English teacher at Mill Creek High School and advised me to go ahead and get my master's degree so I don't have to take online classes while teaching.
Grad school. I hope to, want to, and need, to get an assistantship, preferably in Housing to help pay for school while I get my master's in English Ed. That would mean that I would oversee a staff of RAs as a grad student. The package is a sweet deal, and I can't afford more school without it (my debt from undergrad, even with keeping HOPE and going to an in-state school is still ridiculous, but that's another story). So, if I don't get an assistantship then I can't go to grad school. Unless I choose to go to KSU and live at home for two years. KSU has a great education program, and I would save a lot of money, but then I'd also have to find a part-time job in Kennesaw/Marietta, and the thought of going back home to Marietta makes me kind of sick; I just really think I've outgrown my hometown.
Then there's this whole dream of writing a book and working in young women's ministry. That fire burns pretty brightly too. But, if I pursued ministry I'd want to go to seminary school, but do I really need to do that? More school, more money. I know God will provide, but how can I teach and work in young women's ministry?
Ending up alone. That's a huge fear. I know, I know, I'm 21 years old and have my whole life ahead of me, I really don't need to think about getting married. It's hard when you get on Facebook every day and there are at least 3 engagements, not to mention your friends are getting engaged/soon to be engaged. Will I find a Godly man willing to be a Spiritual leader for me? Will I have kids one day? Can a man handle the crazy and insane person that I am? Will a man be able to handle my dark past/will his heart be prepared to forgive me? Will I be able to accept his past? The list goes on and on. I know it's useless and pointless to worry. And I had a "come to Jesus" moment a few weeks ago where I realized I needed to stop "looking." My attitude towards the prospect of having a boyfriend in the last six months has been "ain't nobody got time for that," but, being a girl in today's society, you can't meet a guy and not think "what if..?" (also dumb and annoying but that's what society teaches us but that's a whole other can of worms for me to discuss later.) Ultimately, I want to get married and I want to have kids one day. I LOVE being an aunt to Caroline, Robby, Drew, Jacob, and Olivia, but being an aunt (among being the best form of birth control) makes me want kids of my own one day so much more. I know that as long as I pursue my King, Jesus Christ, the Lord will place my "prince" (cue the cheesy) in my path. Yet I still worry.
All of this lately has opened the flood gates to Satan's vicious attacks, to my anxiety, to those dark thoughts, to my loneliness. I've tried to be proactive- I've told my mom and the people I spend the most time with here in Athens so they know what signs to look for, but then that voice in the back of my head tells me that because I've been there before, my friends won't want to put up with me anymore. That voice tells me that I'm made for nothing more than constantly battling anxiety and depression. It tells me that no one is going to want to put up with my irrational, dramatic emotions that happen sometimes. Even though I've worked on those emotions so much they still come out sometimes, and that voice tells me that they'll always be part of me. It hurts. And I'm angry with God, and by golly I tell Him that. Really? We've come so far in a year and He's going to let Satan attack me like that? Jesus you're supposed to be interceding on my behalf, so where the heck are you? These are common thoughts. Yet I'm still blessed by friends who look out for me and fill me up with Biblical truths. Because I've been angry I really haven't been praying much lately- I've been too stuck in my own head. Then today I was in the car and Meredith Andrews' "After All" came on and the floodgates open and I started crying and couldn't stop. I may be angry with Him, pissed occasionally, and I may want to curse Him, but He is there. He is constant. He will never forsake me. He is good (even when I choose not to see it). I need to remind myself of that, and I need to spend some time on my knees praying and crying to that God I love no matter how much it may kill me to do so. Even today as I was making door decs for my future residents, I was thinking about how much I had to do and what my life has in store and I literally heard Him say "could you just shut up and let me work?" I guess sometimes I need a slap in the face, and honestly, I deserved it.
Tomorrow is a new day. My alarm will go off, and I'll go through the motions until I start to feel things again. The sun will still rise. I just need to keep walking and breathing and trust that He will see me through. But let's be real, that's all wayyy easier said than done.
Smile, God loves you!
I think I should take my own advice on that one!
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the full." -John 10:10
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