15 years ago today...

I cannot believe it's been 15 years. I cannot believe I have spent over 2/3 of my life without my daddy. 

I made it until right now until crying. Losing a loved one creates indescribable pain- it's a different kind of heartbreak. I remember this day 15 years ago so vividly. I could tell you that I was wearing my favorite 101 Dalmatians T-shirt. I could tell you I got sent to my room because I argued with my dad about what clothes I would wear that day (a big debacle for a six year old). I didn't go to my room. I sat on the top step of the stairs because something told me not to go. I could tell you that, at 6 years old, I heard my dad having a heart attack, that I heard him gasping for air. I watched as Courtney banged on the bathroom door and she and Mom opened it. I saw my mom give him CPR. I saw Kristy run past me in a flash to help downstairs. I was whisked to a neighbor's house as the sirens started. "Victoria doesn't need to see this." My heart aches to think of how much more my sisters and mom saw. I could vividly describe to you what the hospital smelled like, the humming noise of the fluorescent lights. "Daddy is in heaven now." I could tell you what it was like to say goodbye to someone who wasn't my daddy anymore, to someone whose hand was cold and looked like my daddy without a huge grin and a "Hey kiddo!" to great me.

I try not to think too much about this day, but it's in these quiet moments like right now when I'm left to myself that I get sad. I tried to laugh a lot today, and I did. Boy, did I. I know that's what my dad would want, a day full of laughter, because I can still hear his sweet laugh. 

My memories of that day are much different than my sisters' and my mom's, and they each have their own versions of that story to tell. The days that followed this one were not easy, and I still sit in awe of all that my mom, Courtney, Kristy, and Jackie have done. I know he's smiling somewhere thinking of how proud he is of his wife and girls. 

I don't even know how much different my life would be if he were here. That's what losing someone you love does- it fills you with what ifs and other questions. What if I'd had one more day? What if he was still here? What if I hadn't made him angry that morning? Who would I be today? What would my life be like? Would I have been a dancer? Would I be at UGA? Would I be in SAO? The truth is, I don't know the answer to any of those questions, and I'm not supposed to.

When I accepted Christ as my savior at 16, I acknowledged that He would fill the holes in my heart. I acknowledged that this life is no longer mine, but God's. He knows the what ifs, but it is not up to me to know or to question. I have little control over anything in this life, but I do have one option- to choose joy. 

I choose joy that I have an amazing mom and sisters. I have three brothers-in-law that love my sisters as they should be loved. I have a grandpa who stepped in to be that male role model in my life. I have two nieces and three nephews who bring more of that joy into my life than I could ever have imagined. I often think about what age they will be when they start asking questions about Nana's husband, and what we will refer to my dad as, but I choose joy in knowing that they will know that even though he never knew them, he too loved them before they were born. I choose joy knowing that he would be proud of the women my sisters and I have become. He would be proud of work I've done, the job I have, the career I'm working towards, and the friends I've surrounded myself with. I choose joy in recognizing that I was showered with texts and all sorts of messages from friends saying they were thinking of me today. I choose joy in knowing that I was not given this life in vain- He has a far greater plan for me that I will ever know. 

I have been on quite the journey since I posted something on this day a year ago. The hurt doesn't hurt any less, but it stabs me less often. I will always miss my daddy, and I will ALWAYS love him. Most importantly, one thing has remained constant- that my mom and sisters have been my rock- a stable force that will love me unconditionally, despite the mistakes I've made, how many times I've hurt them. I can know that I can call them anytime, anywhere, and with anything. They will listen, cry, laugh, and support me in whatever I do. That, of all things, is what my dad wanted more than anything, and it was in his death that his greatest wish of the closeness of his daughters was granted. 

What's more than that, my God is bigger than the pain I face today, the pain I've faced in the past, and the pain that life will bring in the future. As much as my earthly daddy loved me, my Heavenly Father loves me just the same. I must acknowledge that my dad was God's son before he was my father, so God had the power to call him home, even if those of us on earth weren't ready. I choose joy that God loved my dad that way.

Today, despite the heartbreak, I choose joy.

Smile, God loves you!