Fear

I used to be a fearless child. When I was learning how to swim, I would beg not to wear my floaties, and the second my floaties were taken off (often when it was time to leave the pool) I would run full speed ahead and jump into the water. Someone of course would have to save me, but I had no fear- I knew someone would catch me and/or figure out how to get me safely on land. I also remember learning how to use the monkey bars one afternoon with my dad on the swing set in the backyard. As I tried to swing my arms forward I let both go instead of one and hit the ground with a huge thud. Yes, I cried a little, but then my dad made me laugh and I got back up and tried again. 

Things changed after my dad died, and I think understandably so. I became afraid of essentially everything. This fear is the root of the majority of my anxiety. My list of irrational fears is somewhat endless. My fear of college was so bad that my mom and I had a serious conversation about me taking a year off between high school and college and me just working and living at home. 

Even though I didn't become a believer until I was 16, I see God's hand in my life in so many things. I see His hand in the death of my father, in my grandparents moving in, in the death of my grandmother, in my dancing, in my participation in Girl Scouts and earning my Gold Award, in coming to UGA and not staying home, in staying at UGA despite the fact that I hated it and wanted to transfer to KSU. I see His hand in me joining SAO and finally feeling at home in this huge school, in my becoming an RA, in my somewhat not-so-great first year as an RA, in my friendships, in the amazing family I have, in me changing my major, in my much better year as an RA...I see His hand in all of these things, but only after they happen. I'm trying so desperately to see His hand in my life now. 

I was afraid of all of those things listed above, but God gave me the courage to come through on the other side, so I know I will come out on the other side of the fear I feel now, but dang...it's scary. God has opened so many doors for me since I came to college. I look at my life when I was 15, and I never could have imagined that I would be at UGA, in a Christian sorority, be an RA, and be in a major learning to be a high school English teacher. I also never thought I'd go to grad school, but that's looking like the direction I'm headed in. God has placed on my heart to be in a position of leadership in my sorority for the next calendar year, and that kind of scares me. He's also opened a door with a HUGE opportunity for me to study in England for a few weeks this summer. Again, SCARY. My life is nothing like I'd thought it'd be 5 years ago. So thinking about how different my life will be in another 5 years scares me senseless. I know it's silly, I know it is. I know I'm wound up really tight, I know the things that make me anxious are ridiculous. I know these things. I've also reached out to counseling on campus (as hard as that is for me to admit) and like every counselor I've ever seen, they tell me I'm much too hard on myself. It's normal to feel these emotions, but I just think of myself as having such a twisted view of things...I don't know. 

Lately people have told me that my spiritual gift is prayer, and I think they may be right. This last year I've seen my prayers for others come true, and that is so amazing and humbling at the same time...to think God bestowed that power upon me to speak with Him directly. Obviously God is bigger than I am, so He will ultimately do what is His good and pleasing will, but it's still awe-inspiring to see my prayers for others come true. But at the same time, these huge prayers I pray for myself...I'm gettin' nothin'. And that. is. frustrating. In Beth Moore's Believing God (I just finished it...you should all read it, seriously) she talks about how God commanded Joshua and the Israelites to walk around Jericho for 6 days and on the 7th day walk around the city 7 times, and then the wall surrounding the city would fall. No one can tell us why God made them walk for 7 days, wouldn't it just make sense for the wall to fall on the first day since it was going to fall anyway? But it isn't for us to know what makes God "tick". Beth Moore continues on saying that we are walking outside of our city of Jericho right now, waiting for the wall to fall. We must remain faithful and press forward because we never know when the wall will fall. So here I am, plugging along, waiting for this stinking wall to fall, and I'm scared that I will never see the day that it does fall. What if I spend my whole life walking around this city and the dang wall never falls-- that's frustrating. But I do remain faithful, because that's what I'm commanded to do. 

And I keep praying...and praying...and praying. I pray while I brush my teeth, while I walk to class, while I'm in the shower, while I'm in class, on the bus, doing homework, before I go to bed, and in the morning. I enjoy praying. Sometimes God won't let my mind settle at night until I pray for all of the people who've asked me to pray for them/God has placed on my heart. And I see their prayers answered, and that makes me feel good. Still though, I keep thinking "um hey God, when can my prayers for my life, like the BIG prayers, be answered?" But then I remember that it's not for me to know; it's all according to His great purpose. I know He's using this stage of fear/anxiety in my life as a time for me to witness to others. And man, He's shown me that. So many people have reached out to me telling me I inspire them through the words I write here, but let me place that glory on God. Without Him, I can't imagine what my life would be like. This body that I occupy is HIS, this mind is HIS, this life is HIS, and I pray He does great things with me. I realized the other day driving home that my name is Victoria Faith...Victoria meaning "conqueror; victory" and Faith meaning "confidence; trust; belief" so basically...Victory through belief. There it is, folks...my life in a nutshell (hopefully).

Smile, God loves you.

My go-to verse lately: 
"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone" -Colossians 4:2-6

And to mix things up, my go-to song. Enjoy the pick-me-up : ] 
"Long Way Home" by Stephen Curtis Chapman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow