This Day 14 Years Ago...

On this day fourteen years ago, my sisters and I lost our dad, my mom lost her husband, my grandmother her son, my aunts their brother, and many people lost a good friend. For some reason, this day this year has been much harder than in past years. Lately I've felt like I'm mourning the loss of my dad again, which they say happens as you get older, and it's natural, but let me frank...it sucks.

I only had 6 years with my dad, but in those first 6 years I knew my daddy loved me and would do anything for me. I have fond memories of playing Beauty and the Beast with my rocking horse, pretending to be pirates with stick-swords on the back swing set, attempting to learn how to ride a two-wheeler, trips to Dairy Queen after pre-school, learning that "a Rivard NEVER lies," and eating bologna sandwiches. My favorite memories of this time as being a family of six consist of sitting around the dinner table. I remember giggling, hearing about everyone's days, and table manners. My dad always emphasized family, family is your priority, and you do anything for those that you love. My dad also taught me how to play "war" the card game, chased me around the house with sweaty T-shirts, and so much more. My dad gave me my nickname "Vickie Faye" and no one really calls me that, it was a name reserved especially for Daddy.

The day my dad died haunts my memories, and it probably will forever. But that's OK, because I had an amazing father figure for the first 6 years of my life. I've realized through all that I've been going through in the past few months that I have a lot of unresolved issues revolving around my dad's death, and I think that's why I'm having such a hard time working through whatever it is I'm going through. This last month I have missed him so much, and it's been so hard not to think about how my life would be if he were here. I know I wouldn't be who I am, and I can see God's hand in all of this, but I still can't help but ask "why?" I know many of my fears, anxieties, and depression symptoms are rooted in my dad's death, and I'm hoping that with counseling and God's guidance and love, I can one day say I've overcome these things.

One thing about today though, it makes me realize what an AMAZING woman I have to call as my mom. If you don't know my mom, you should. For those who know my mother, you know the incredible love she has that radiates through a room. My favorite smell in the whole world is the smell of my mom. That may sound weird, but I know many of you think the same way. There is just something so comforting about my mom's distinct smell. I don't know if it's her lotion, the faint smell of sterilizer (from the hospital where she works), her make up, perfume, or maybe a combination, but there isn't anything I find more comforting. My mom listens to every complaint I have, wipes away too many tears to count, has fixed so many boo-boos, and is the one person I always want to hold me when I cry. She's the first person I call when I have good news, and she always has the right words to say. God knew what He was doing when He placed my mom in the role that she has as a single mother. I don't know how she's done it. I think I was about 15 before it really occurred to me that not only did I lose my dad, but my mom lost her husband and love of her life. I'll say it over and over again- I don't know how she has done it or does it every day. She dealt with four girls handling their father's death in extremely different ways, she raised 3 teenagers at the same time. My mom did whatever she could to ensure that we could each still be involved in whatever extracurriculars we wanted to be. My mom has made sacrifices and so much more. If you ask her how she has done it, she will say she didn't do it alone- talk about being humble! Yes, she had help, but she was at the forefront of it all. She never missed a game, a recital, a play, she sat front and center cheering the whole time. As a nurse, my mom has touched countless people's lives. Her hands heal through God's touch. She gets countless cards and gifts of thanks from her patients, and not every nurse can say that. My mom has set an example of humility, strength, compassion, patience, and so much more. I know my dad must look at my mom from heaven and think "wow, I couldn't have picked a better woman to spend my life with than Pam." My mom's big heart doesn't stop with her children, she took in our friends when they needed places to stay, whether it be for a holiday, while their parents were away on business, for the summer, or for a few months to get away from home. My mom loves making big meals-and thank goodness because we're now a family of 13 1/2 (with baby Workmon #3 on the way). My mom is the most selfless person I know. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of woman she is. If I can be half the woman my mother is, I've been successful.

Yes, I miss my daddy. Today was a rough day, and I know it was for my mom, my aunt, and my sisters. I get sad thinking of all of the things my dad has missed, but then again, I know he's watching us. But in this sadness, I can be grateful for the amazing woman I have as a mother.

Smile, God loves you.