I should really be getting ready for bed, but right now there are too many things on my heart and mind to go to bed. Today was a good day- a really good day. I'm exhausted, as usual, but who isn't?
You all know how crazy life has been lately, but let's be honest, I thrive on being busy because it gives me less time to be inside of my head. A couple of weeks ago things were not so good- I wasn't sleeping, I was super anxious all of the time, and I could feel my old enemy named depression creeping back up again. I defeated it though (for now). I've been so good about having my quiet time, and man, am I a better person when I spend an amount of time with my undivided attention focused on God. It's not enough time, but it's the time I've dedicated each day. It really helps calm me down. I've gotten to that point again where I crave that quiet time with the Lord. It also helps that in my journal I write down my praises for the day- it consists of everything from a roof over my head to a sweet text a friend sent me. I also praise throughout the day, and it's funny- the more I praise God and all He's given me, the happier I am. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, it's when I choose to find joy in things that I truly find joy in them. Joy isn't some destination that we will one day reach, joy is here. It's now. It's a choice.
I listen to 104.7 the Fish on my drive to school on Mondays and Wednesdays- I really like Kevin and Taylor in the morning. Anyway, about a month ago they had an interview with UGA Head Football coach Mark Richt, who is known for being a very strong Christian man, and his son. They asked Richt's son what it was like when his dad was ridiculed, and his son replied that he got more upset and offended by what others said that his dad did. He said he'd had the opportunity to watch his dad reveal who he truly was, and where his worth really lay. Kevin then asked Mark Richt to clarify, and his comment has really stuck with me. Mark Richt said that when people criticize him, they're not going after him, they're going after Georgia's head football coach. When they praise him, they're praising Georgia's head football coach. He said that no matter how mean people are, how cruel they are, what they say, he can turn away from it because he knows where his worth lies- in Jesus Christ.
I literally sat in the car with chills up and down my arms. This may seem silly that a football coach saying something would get to me, but I just thought, "Wow." Someone in such a position of power who has faced immeasurable ridicule says that his worth is not in his job or his deeds, but in Jesus Christ. And I've really tried to remember this. My worth is not in what a student says to me, a rude comment, or anything else. My worth is in a man who died for me. He sacrificed his life for mine. Let that sink in for a minute.
Last week my cohort members and I got back some not-so-good grades. The assignment was due the same week that EVERYTHING, including a 15 page case study, was due. We'd all, myself included, joked about how that particular assignment fell on the back burner. We got the grades back, and no, I was not happy. I'm used to getting good grades, and although I got a B, I knew I could have done much better. Others did worse, others did better. Normally, I would have let that grade bother me all day, but I just let it go. That grade doesn't determine what kind of person I am, whether or not I'll graduate, or what kind of teacher I'll be. In reality, it doesn't mean that much. I let it go. If you know me, I don't let things go easily, so clearly my heart is changing in some amazing ways, all thanks to His grace.
I've been reading A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp before I go to bed each night. She writes a "dare to live fully right where you are," and it's all about finding God's blessings everywhere, even in the bad things. God doesn't make mistakes, so why I act like he does? I crave so many things in my life- chocolate, caffeine, friendship, a good job, a relationship, and more. I realized today while listening to a favorite song and driving through country roads on this crisp fall day that I'm OK. I'm ok with where my life is. I'm ok with spending a lot of time alone. I'm ok with being single. I'm ok with this crazy lifestyle. I am happy, and it feels so good. I want to crave God the way I crave all of those other things. I want to see His blessings more than I crave anything else. I want to see Him more than anything else. Voskamp's book is so amazing, but so dense with some huge ideas that I have to read slowly. I "dog eared" a page in the book from the other night, and she so eloquently says how I've been feeling lately...
She talks about a tough summer, and scar tissue- man did I have a tough summer last year and have some serious scar tissue built up around my heart. When I read Voskamp's words it was like hearing God speak straight into my heart. Yes, it's long, but read it, and let it sink in. She sums up all that I'm feeling but in such a beautiful, beautiful way.
"Yes, the whole of life, these exercises to break down the knotting scar tissue from the fall. A summer of pain. Always the running. A summer of grace. Always the revelation. Pain is everywhere, and whatever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes, Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is what I want.
This kingdom laden with glory, this, this pearl of great price, the field I'd sell everything to possess. This is the pearl that crams me with happiness that throbs, serrated edge, pit open wide for more of His glory.
The only place we have to come before we die is the place of seeing God.
This is what I'm famished for: more of the God-glory.
I whisper with the blind beggar, 'Lord, I want to see' (Luke 18:41).
That's my moaning pulse: 'See. See.'" (108).
Smile, God loves you!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
"Don't Be a Teacher."
Looking at the title of this post, you're probably thinking, "wait, what? You're an education major!" And yes, I am, but these words were spoken to me earlier today, by another teacher no less.
Because students took the PSAT today, our whole schedule was thrown off and administrators combined two lunches, so Allisa and I sat with two other teachers I don't know very well. When Allisa got up lunch early to make copies, I was sitting at the table alone with these two women, and as soon as Allisa left, the griping and complaining began (Allisa is very positive and only confides in me and one or two other teachers but always with a positive spin, and she does so to remain professional, so other teachers get annoyed that she isn't annoyed, if that makes sense). Anyway, one of the teachers was complaining because she teacher the Early Childhood Education class and because the schedule was thrown off, the only time her students could work with the pre-schoolers was during nap time, and she was thoroughly annoyed. She then blamed administration for the PSAT- which they didn't choose to give students the PSAT, the state did. So in her complaining she said, "Well I should just tell these students to NOT become teachers." And, um, awkward because I was sitting right there, so I laughed. She then turned to me and said, "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but RUN. Run away very quickly."
Seriously lady?! You having a bad day gives you no reason to tell me to leave this career path. And I always get annoyed when people tell me not to become a teacher. I know I won't fully understand until I'm teaching full time, but right now, at this time in my life, I am called to be a teacher. God has done so much with me in the 10 weeks I've been a "teacher," that I know it's where I'm supposed to be.
This made me more sad than anything else. My cohort members and I face it every day. We take a Young Adult Literature course and we have teachers at our placement schools tell us all the time that it's a shame we won't be able to teach such wonderful books because they don't meet rigor requirements. And I see this at RCA. The department head is on Allisa all the time about students getting to read choice books. Books are given Lexile scores which determine the difficulty of the text based on diction, syntax, vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. Anyway, these Lexiles aren't actually that accurate because it put The Boy in the Striped Pajamas in the 12th grade reading level based on ONE passage, when the book could be read by a "typical" 7th grader easily. Regardless, the department head is convinced we aren't giving students challenging books, but I'm sorry, the fact that we have students who have never read a book during an academic year that have read FOUR books in 10 weeks. FOUR! I read a lot, and I'm sure the majority of the 14 books I've read since school started wouldn't be a Lexile score above 9th grade, but my world is still widening because of the content of the books. He says he doesn't understand because he gives the students the texts they're going to read and they read them; he doesn't have to "pull teeth" to do so. And I'm about to sound like a fifteen year old, BUT NO DUH YOU TEACH AP AND HONORS CLASSES! I was that AP and Honors kid, I did whatever it took to get the grade, regardless of how difficult the text was. I'm not saying that students in CP (college prep) classes aren't capable of reading difficult texts- they are MORE than capable, but if I have a student who hasn't read a book of his choice since he was in early middle school, how am I going to get him to read The Scarlet Letter and not feel miserable trying to understand Hawthorne's language? The department head makes me so angry.
And this is the thing- I'm at a charter school, where being innovative and creative should be encouraged, and this guy is angry because students aren't being "challenged" enough. In a world where information comes instantly and people literally have the world at their fingertips, sitting down and reading a book does not come easily to these kids. But we had students read 44 books over their one week break. Don't tell me that's not overcoming a challenge. If I'm seeing the push back from being innovative at a charter school, what's it going to be like at a public school? My cohort members and I talk about how we want to teach at private schools so we can actually teach and not just throw information at students and act like babysitter.
I want the government to wake up. You're asking teachers for data, scores, and evidence of students meeting standards. You're shoving standardized tests down students' throats. You're forcing teachers to focus on numbers and not on people. You're forcing teachers to stand behind a podium and deliver information hoping that students get it. And because you're encouraging the kind of teaching where students sit in their seats all day teachers are really just becoming glorified babysitters. I sat in on a faculty meeting earlier this week where faculty received information about their insurance under Obamacare. Their insurance rates DOUBLED. Doubled- a teacher, who makes roughly $35,000 a year. A teacher gets paid for working 40 hours a week. I could easily spend 50 hours at the school every week, not to mention the fact that I've spent, as a student teacher countless hours grading essays, reading notebooks, quizzes, and planning lessons. I'm not trying to say that teaching is more difficult than any other career, but I am asking that the government wake up to what's actually happening.
My cohort, a group of 23 bright, young, energized, and creative minds is entering the work force in a less than a year, and we don't want to teach in the public education system. UGA is the 3rd ranked education school in the nation. We're supposed to be some of the best of the best, and we don't want to teach in public school. Does that not say something? Teachers are tired. On top of everything required of being a teacher, you are asking us for data on every single student. Our job isn't to make them get good grades, our job is to help them learn, and not every student can prove they've learned by taking a test. All you see is data, assessments, pre-tests, post-tests, evidence. This is what you don't see...
Based on a silly activity on personification, I got a student who wrote two sentences for an essay to write a full paragraph personifying a basketball. She did this because she was allowed to be creative. For the activity they got up and moving- we laughed, and now she knows what personification means.
We have student who was ashamed for anyone to know he was smart. Reading wasn't "cool." Thanks to the opportunity to read whatever books he wants- and everyone has to read, he's read 6 books and has made reading "cool." His friends now read. Yes, he's still failing because he doesn't turn in work, but his outlook on being smart has been transformed.
A student had a blank paper on his desk today. When I asked him why he said he's confused and was too timid to ask a question. I had to explain the assignment differently, and several times, but he left with a smile on his face and half a page written.
When I let students write a rap in order to demonstrate their understanding of metaphor, they giggled the whole time and wrote a very impressive rap. They talked about metaphor in class today in their writing assignment.
I watched with a smile on my face as a student walked to the cafeteria for lunch while simultaneously reading her book. She has a low Lexile score, yet has read 9 books so far this year. As a book mark, she keeps a list of all of the words she doesn't know and then looks them up- this isn't required. She's challenging herself.
And finally...
I had to talk to a student in the hallway today because she broke down because she didn't get a good grade on her essay. She still has a very high B in the class, but she cried and cried because it wasn't an A and she has so much pressure on her to succeed.
What do we want- students who learn through laughter and hands-on activities where they can express their knowledge and understanding through different mediums, or students who cry hysterically because they got a bad grade on an assessment?
These students are more than numbers. They're more than data. They are living, breathing, growing people. Life isn't easy, and forcing 35 students into a small classroom to meet standards and produce evidence of their learning isn't going to happen using one method. These students are bright, even if they don't show it. They go through a lot more than we give them credit for. And these students, they have my heart. I look forward to seeing them during the week. I worry about them. I have trouble falling asleep at night because I'm thinking of ways to make lessons fun and brainstorming ways to make that one student have a light bulb moment.
So what do we want? Who do we want these kids to become? How can we help them?
Smile, God loves you.
Because students took the PSAT today, our whole schedule was thrown off and administrators combined two lunches, so Allisa and I sat with two other teachers I don't know very well. When Allisa got up lunch early to make copies, I was sitting at the table alone with these two women, and as soon as Allisa left, the griping and complaining began (Allisa is very positive and only confides in me and one or two other teachers but always with a positive spin, and she does so to remain professional, so other teachers get annoyed that she isn't annoyed, if that makes sense). Anyway, one of the teachers was complaining because she teacher the Early Childhood Education class and because the schedule was thrown off, the only time her students could work with the pre-schoolers was during nap time, and she was thoroughly annoyed. She then blamed administration for the PSAT- which they didn't choose to give students the PSAT, the state did. So in her complaining she said, "Well I should just tell these students to NOT become teachers." And, um, awkward because I was sitting right there, so I laughed. She then turned to me and said, "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but RUN. Run away very quickly."
Seriously lady?! You having a bad day gives you no reason to tell me to leave this career path. And I always get annoyed when people tell me not to become a teacher. I know I won't fully understand until I'm teaching full time, but right now, at this time in my life, I am called to be a teacher. God has done so much with me in the 10 weeks I've been a "teacher," that I know it's where I'm supposed to be.
This made me more sad than anything else. My cohort members and I face it every day. We take a Young Adult Literature course and we have teachers at our placement schools tell us all the time that it's a shame we won't be able to teach such wonderful books because they don't meet rigor requirements. And I see this at RCA. The department head is on Allisa all the time about students getting to read choice books. Books are given Lexile scores which determine the difficulty of the text based on diction, syntax, vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. Anyway, these Lexiles aren't actually that accurate because it put The Boy in the Striped Pajamas in the 12th grade reading level based on ONE passage, when the book could be read by a "typical" 7th grader easily. Regardless, the department head is convinced we aren't giving students challenging books, but I'm sorry, the fact that we have students who have never read a book during an academic year that have read FOUR books in 10 weeks. FOUR! I read a lot, and I'm sure the majority of the 14 books I've read since school started wouldn't be a Lexile score above 9th grade, but my world is still widening because of the content of the books. He says he doesn't understand because he gives the students the texts they're going to read and they read them; he doesn't have to "pull teeth" to do so. And I'm about to sound like a fifteen year old, BUT NO DUH YOU TEACH AP AND HONORS CLASSES! I was that AP and Honors kid, I did whatever it took to get the grade, regardless of how difficult the text was. I'm not saying that students in CP (college prep) classes aren't capable of reading difficult texts- they are MORE than capable, but if I have a student who hasn't read a book of his choice since he was in early middle school, how am I going to get him to read The Scarlet Letter and not feel miserable trying to understand Hawthorne's language? The department head makes me so angry.
And this is the thing- I'm at a charter school, where being innovative and creative should be encouraged, and this guy is angry because students aren't being "challenged" enough. In a world where information comes instantly and people literally have the world at their fingertips, sitting down and reading a book does not come easily to these kids. But we had students read 44 books over their one week break. Don't tell me that's not overcoming a challenge. If I'm seeing the push back from being innovative at a charter school, what's it going to be like at a public school? My cohort members and I talk about how we want to teach at private schools so we can actually teach and not just throw information at students and act like babysitter.
I want the government to wake up. You're asking teachers for data, scores, and evidence of students meeting standards. You're shoving standardized tests down students' throats. You're forcing teachers to focus on numbers and not on people. You're forcing teachers to stand behind a podium and deliver information hoping that students get it. And because you're encouraging the kind of teaching where students sit in their seats all day teachers are really just becoming glorified babysitters. I sat in on a faculty meeting earlier this week where faculty received information about their insurance under Obamacare. Their insurance rates DOUBLED. Doubled- a teacher, who makes roughly $35,000 a year. A teacher gets paid for working 40 hours a week. I could easily spend 50 hours at the school every week, not to mention the fact that I've spent, as a student teacher countless hours grading essays, reading notebooks, quizzes, and planning lessons. I'm not trying to say that teaching is more difficult than any other career, but I am asking that the government wake up to what's actually happening.
My cohort, a group of 23 bright, young, energized, and creative minds is entering the work force in a less than a year, and we don't want to teach in the public education system. UGA is the 3rd ranked education school in the nation. We're supposed to be some of the best of the best, and we don't want to teach in public school. Does that not say something? Teachers are tired. On top of everything required of being a teacher, you are asking us for data on every single student. Our job isn't to make them get good grades, our job is to help them learn, and not every student can prove they've learned by taking a test. All you see is data, assessments, pre-tests, post-tests, evidence. This is what you don't see...
Based on a silly activity on personification, I got a student who wrote two sentences for an essay to write a full paragraph personifying a basketball. She did this because she was allowed to be creative. For the activity they got up and moving- we laughed, and now she knows what personification means.
We have student who was ashamed for anyone to know he was smart. Reading wasn't "cool." Thanks to the opportunity to read whatever books he wants- and everyone has to read, he's read 6 books and has made reading "cool." His friends now read. Yes, he's still failing because he doesn't turn in work, but his outlook on being smart has been transformed.
A student had a blank paper on his desk today. When I asked him why he said he's confused and was too timid to ask a question. I had to explain the assignment differently, and several times, but he left with a smile on his face and half a page written.
When I let students write a rap in order to demonstrate their understanding of metaphor, they giggled the whole time and wrote a very impressive rap. They talked about metaphor in class today in their writing assignment.
I watched with a smile on my face as a student walked to the cafeteria for lunch while simultaneously reading her book. She has a low Lexile score, yet has read 9 books so far this year. As a book mark, she keeps a list of all of the words she doesn't know and then looks them up- this isn't required. She's challenging herself.
And finally...
I had to talk to a student in the hallway today because she broke down because she didn't get a good grade on her essay. She still has a very high B in the class, but she cried and cried because it wasn't an A and she has so much pressure on her to succeed.
What do we want- students who learn through laughter and hands-on activities where they can express their knowledge and understanding through different mediums, or students who cry hysterically because they got a bad grade on an assessment?
These students are more than numbers. They're more than data. They are living, breathing, growing people. Life isn't easy, and forcing 35 students into a small classroom to meet standards and produce evidence of their learning isn't going to happen using one method. These students are bright, even if they don't show it. They go through a lot more than we give them credit for. And these students, they have my heart. I look forward to seeing them during the week. I worry about them. I have trouble falling asleep at night because I'm thinking of ways to make lessons fun and brainstorming ways to make that one student have a light bulb moment.
So what do we want? Who do we want these kids to become? How can we help them?
Smile, God loves you.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Juggling Act
There is no other way to say it, I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm tired. And I've realized that, well, that's the life of a teacher- any adult really. I don't even have responsibilities of paying bills (other than my credit card) or taking care of a family. I can't remember being this tired since I became an RA- when I felt like I was juggling so many things and if one fell the world would end. My anxiety and depression have been acting up too, which is hard for me to say.
When I'm not busy, I'm apathetic, so basically Monday through Thursday I'm going going going like the energizer bunny and then on Thursday evening I just sit there for a while and stare into space and the loneliness sets in. My friends are great, I will say that. They still invite me to things and check in on me during the week. Still, since I've suffered with this anxiety disorder since I was 13 I know my triggers and the signs that things are going poorly, and apathy is definitely one of those things. I also have zero desire to schedule an appointment with a doctor which is another sign that things aren't too great. But God is faithful, and He never gives us more than we can handle, His strength is far greater than mine, so I lean on Him because my strength is human, fragile, and fleeting, but His is endless.
Wednesday was a good day at RCA, a really good day. I planned the whole day's lesson, and it went so well! On Monday I did a prezi presentation and gave students Cornell notes (guided notes) on literary devices. I started with 5 simple ones- onomatopoeia, personification, simile, metaphor, allusion. On Wednesday I had students rotate through stations, but they only went to 2 or 3. For onomatopoeia they had a story board where they had to write a short, 5 sentence story and illustrate each sentence and one box on the board had to have onomatopoeia in it. For personification (I stole this idea from a cohort member) they put notecards on their foreheads with an object written on them- they didn't know the word, and their group members had to describe the word using human characteristics (ex: "the sun" written on a card, they say "you're hot" "you light up the world" "the world revolves around you," etc.). For allusion they did poetry with one of the counselors who did spoken word in college. For simile they created limericks with Allisa. For metaphor I let them listen to Katy Perry's "Firework" and they had the lyrics and had to circle the metaphors in the song, then they had to write 10 lines of a song or rap that included at least one metaphor. I was SO impressed with them! As the day went on I learned what worked and what didn't, but the students LOVED it and asked if I could be their teacher all the time so they could do fun stuff like that. I told them that when I do start teaching them more we will have to read and write still, but I will try to plan fun things. It was so nice for them to say such sweet things to me. Allisa and I strategically planned this for the day before break. Students have today and next week off for Fall Break, so it was a nice and easy day for them.
Besides that, I had my mid term check in with my supervisor for English Ed today, and she had nothing but nice things to say. All of my teachers say I am "on the ball" and have great teaching ideas. While this is nice, I know I'm not perfect and I sometimes wish they would give more feedback than "you're fabulous." As someone who is learning, it would be nice to be able to sit down and hear specific areas where I could improve, but oh well. I left the meeting praising God for all the times He multiplied the hours in the day, gave me strength to continue, and blessed me with a fabulous MT.
Allisa really is awesome- she's an innovative teacher, so she allows me to bring in ideas and be creative with what I do. Even though RCA is an innovative school, I have certainly seen the backlash Allisa gets for her creative ideas, so I see some of the things I will deal with when I teach in less than a year (YIKES).
I feel like either my personal life is great and my academic/professional life isn't, or the other way around. G was in the hospital this week, and it killed me not to be home. He's going home this evening and is MUCH better, praise God. Satan has also been bringing up my past relationship a lot to taunt me with, and it's super annoying. Satan often tells me that I'll end up alone and as I've said before, that terrifies me. I have SO many worries about the future, but I keep telling myself that God will provide. My room is messy which always makes me cranky (my room at school, not home-that's always a mess!), but I'm just too tired to get it done.
I just hate this apathy. I'm over it. As much as I'm looking forward to the break from RCA this week it makes me nervous that I'll have so much free time and time to think, which is when I tend to self-destruct. For now, God has given me another day, and for that I am grateful.
Smile, God loves you!!
"I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you." -Genesis 28:15
When I'm not busy, I'm apathetic, so basically Monday through Thursday I'm going going going like the energizer bunny and then on Thursday evening I just sit there for a while and stare into space and the loneliness sets in. My friends are great, I will say that. They still invite me to things and check in on me during the week. Still, since I've suffered with this anxiety disorder since I was 13 I know my triggers and the signs that things are going poorly, and apathy is definitely one of those things. I also have zero desire to schedule an appointment with a doctor which is another sign that things aren't too great. But God is faithful, and He never gives us more than we can handle, His strength is far greater than mine, so I lean on Him because my strength is human, fragile, and fleeting, but His is endless.
Wednesday was a good day at RCA, a really good day. I planned the whole day's lesson, and it went so well! On Monday I did a prezi presentation and gave students Cornell notes (guided notes) on literary devices. I started with 5 simple ones- onomatopoeia, personification, simile, metaphor, allusion. On Wednesday I had students rotate through stations, but they only went to 2 or 3. For onomatopoeia they had a story board where they had to write a short, 5 sentence story and illustrate each sentence and one box on the board had to have onomatopoeia in it. For personification (I stole this idea from a cohort member) they put notecards on their foreheads with an object written on them- they didn't know the word, and their group members had to describe the word using human characteristics (ex: "the sun" written on a card, they say "you're hot" "you light up the world" "the world revolves around you," etc.). For allusion they did poetry with one of the counselors who did spoken word in college. For simile they created limericks with Allisa. For metaphor I let them listen to Katy Perry's "Firework" and they had the lyrics and had to circle the metaphors in the song, then they had to write 10 lines of a song or rap that included at least one metaphor. I was SO impressed with them! As the day went on I learned what worked and what didn't, but the students LOVED it and asked if I could be their teacher all the time so they could do fun stuff like that. I told them that when I do start teaching them more we will have to read and write still, but I will try to plan fun things. It was so nice for them to say such sweet things to me. Allisa and I strategically planned this for the day before break. Students have today and next week off for Fall Break, so it was a nice and easy day for them.
Besides that, I had my mid term check in with my supervisor for English Ed today, and she had nothing but nice things to say. All of my teachers say I am "on the ball" and have great teaching ideas. While this is nice, I know I'm not perfect and I sometimes wish they would give more feedback than "you're fabulous." As someone who is learning, it would be nice to be able to sit down and hear specific areas where I could improve, but oh well. I left the meeting praising God for all the times He multiplied the hours in the day, gave me strength to continue, and blessed me with a fabulous MT.
Allisa really is awesome- she's an innovative teacher, so she allows me to bring in ideas and be creative with what I do. Even though RCA is an innovative school, I have certainly seen the backlash Allisa gets for her creative ideas, so I see some of the things I will deal with when I teach in less than a year (YIKES).
I feel like either my personal life is great and my academic/professional life isn't, or the other way around. G was in the hospital this week, and it killed me not to be home. He's going home this evening and is MUCH better, praise God. Satan has also been bringing up my past relationship a lot to taunt me with, and it's super annoying. Satan often tells me that I'll end up alone and as I've said before, that terrifies me. I have SO many worries about the future, but I keep telling myself that God will provide. My room is messy which always makes me cranky (my room at school, not home-that's always a mess!), but I'm just too tired to get it done.
I just hate this apathy. I'm over it. As much as I'm looking forward to the break from RCA this week it makes me nervous that I'll have so much free time and time to think, which is when I tend to self-destruct. For now, God has given me another day, and for that I am grateful.
Smile, God loves you!!
"I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you." -Genesis 28:15
Friday, September 27, 2013
Humility
For one of my on-campus classes, we had to write a "This I Believe" essay. National Public Radio (NPR) does a segment on these essays where people submit "This I Believe" essays and some are given the chance to read them on-air. I wrote one my senior year of high school in AP Language, so I was familiar with the concept, but for my class we had to write one about teaching. In it, I wrote that I thought teaching should be a "humble adventure" where teachers realize that students don't always act out because they dislike you, their failure to not complete their homework isn't because your class is stupid- sometimes there is far more going on in their lives than you can even fathom, and this week taught me that my assumption was correct.
Allisa had students write "This I Believe" essays, and man...did they struggle with it! I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that at 15, many of these students aren't asked to discuss what they believe in. Many of these students go day-to-day being told what to do. I mean, the whole concept of school is institutionalized. Students are like Pavlov's dog- when the bell rings, they know it's time to get up and go to another class, go to lunch, leave lunch, or go home for the day. (Not that this is bad, I personally can't think of another way to do it.) Anyway, they really struggled with writing about concrete ideas rather than abstract ideas. Could they have written about how they believe in love? Yes. But did they understand how to write examples of this? No. We are also doing a huge unit on Moral Courage, so students had to write what they believed in, how it ties into moral courage, use an example from stories that we've looked at in class, and tie in some internet research, and use APA citation to do so. We reached the point where now that students have turned in their final drafts, we are just going to put this assignment "away" and revisit it at the end of the year when students get more used to the fact that their ideas are welcome in our classroom.
Back to the humility thing...
I brought a stack of papers home with me to grade, and I am humbled. One student wrote about how she believes in standing up to bullies because she was bullied. At 15 she has already struggled with anorexia, cutting, and has been hospitalized for suicide 3 times. Yes, that's right, she's 15! Were her conventions of spelling and grammar accurate? Not really. But how on earth do I grade someone's life that like? Another student wrote about her experience in 7th grade (when she was 12), where she got to be friends with a young girl in a group home. One day my student asked her why she wore the same pair of tennis shoes with every outfit, and the girl said they were the only shoes she had. So, my student went home, asked her sister, who was the girl's size, if she had shoes she didn't wear much anymore, and my student brought shoes to the young girl so she could have more than one pair. At 12! No one asked her to do that, no one told her she had to, she had that idea and did it on her own. I just...I get teary eyed thinking about it.
And then there's the student who wrote about how he believed in Christianity. Yes, that's an abstract idea, but he wrote so eloquently and about how people misjudge Christians and how Christians misjudge people. He wrote about his desire to lead a Christian life.
I am humbled. These kids...they go through so much more than we give them credit for. We say things like "What could a 15 year old possibly know?" Well, these kids know a lot more about life than some adults I've encountered. I was talking to someone about teaching in Conyers and they said that it must be an interesting experience since I probably don't have a lot of white students. They said it unassumingly and, growing up in Cobb County, although it was about 50% minority students by the time I graduated, I still went to school with mostly white kids. Honestly, I hadn't noticed it. I was raised, not to be "color blind," but not to treat anyone differently because of their skin color. In one of my multicultural classes I explained it like this: I see race the same way I see that the sky is blue and the grass is green- I don't notice it, really. I know the sky and grass are that color, and people have different colors of skin, so I don't pay much attention. But, after that was brought to my attention, I took a look at my classes, and out of about 170 students, I probably have about 15 white students.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I love my kids just the same, but it does bring up some interesting things...
I can't relate to my kids on that level. I've never been put down because of the color of my skin. Try as you might to tell me that it doesn't happen, but oh, it still does. Sometimes I wonder, what credibility do I have as a white woman standing in front of these kids? I am fortunate that about 90% of RCA graduates will go onto college. What about when I teach at a school where only 10% of students go on to college? I'm just a white girl, what do I know about some of the things they're going through? Add to that fact that we have 3 out of 23 people in my cohort that are of minority races, meaning that we are headed out into the world of education still mostly white. Some of my cohort members are teaching in schools where there is a low graduation rate and there are 2 white kids in their classes. And the school board wants them to teach The Great Gatsby. Now, considering my fish is named Gatsby, you know I love that book. But what do these minority students have to relate to in a book about rich white people? This adds another dimension to my job- I have to think about and introduce books differently. If I were to teach Fitzgerald's book, I'd have to preface it by asking students if they'd ever been in a situation where they liked a girl (or boy) so much, but that girl/boy wouldn't date them because they didn't have money. Then I'd have to bring in the gangster aspect of it.
I'm ranting, I know, but I wonder how many teachers who have been teaching for many years still think about these things. I am lucky that Allisa uses authors of various races in her classes. She doesn't point it out like it's some big "whoop-dee-do," but it's just another part of our class. I like that.
Bottom line: I love my kids. They are special. And I pray every day that I can be a light to them and that I can let them know how special they are.
Smile, God loves you!
Allisa had students write "This I Believe" essays, and man...did they struggle with it! I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that at 15, many of these students aren't asked to discuss what they believe in. Many of these students go day-to-day being told what to do. I mean, the whole concept of school is institutionalized. Students are like Pavlov's dog- when the bell rings, they know it's time to get up and go to another class, go to lunch, leave lunch, or go home for the day. (Not that this is bad, I personally can't think of another way to do it.) Anyway, they really struggled with writing about concrete ideas rather than abstract ideas. Could they have written about how they believe in love? Yes. But did they understand how to write examples of this? No. We are also doing a huge unit on Moral Courage, so students had to write what they believed in, how it ties into moral courage, use an example from stories that we've looked at in class, and tie in some internet research, and use APA citation to do so. We reached the point where now that students have turned in their final drafts, we are just going to put this assignment "away" and revisit it at the end of the year when students get more used to the fact that their ideas are welcome in our classroom.
Back to the humility thing...
I brought a stack of papers home with me to grade, and I am humbled. One student wrote about how she believes in standing up to bullies because she was bullied. At 15 she has already struggled with anorexia, cutting, and has been hospitalized for suicide 3 times. Yes, that's right, she's 15! Were her conventions of spelling and grammar accurate? Not really. But how on earth do I grade someone's life that like? Another student wrote about her experience in 7th grade (when she was 12), where she got to be friends with a young girl in a group home. One day my student asked her why she wore the same pair of tennis shoes with every outfit, and the girl said they were the only shoes she had. So, my student went home, asked her sister, who was the girl's size, if she had shoes she didn't wear much anymore, and my student brought shoes to the young girl so she could have more than one pair. At 12! No one asked her to do that, no one told her she had to, she had that idea and did it on her own. I just...I get teary eyed thinking about it.
And then there's the student who wrote about how he believed in Christianity. Yes, that's an abstract idea, but he wrote so eloquently and about how people misjudge Christians and how Christians misjudge people. He wrote about his desire to lead a Christian life.
I am humbled. These kids...they go through so much more than we give them credit for. We say things like "What could a 15 year old possibly know?" Well, these kids know a lot more about life than some adults I've encountered. I was talking to someone about teaching in Conyers and they said that it must be an interesting experience since I probably don't have a lot of white students. They said it unassumingly and, growing up in Cobb County, although it was about 50% minority students by the time I graduated, I still went to school with mostly white kids. Honestly, I hadn't noticed it. I was raised, not to be "color blind," but not to treat anyone differently because of their skin color. In one of my multicultural classes I explained it like this: I see race the same way I see that the sky is blue and the grass is green- I don't notice it, really. I know the sky and grass are that color, and people have different colors of skin, so I don't pay much attention. But, after that was brought to my attention, I took a look at my classes, and out of about 170 students, I probably have about 15 white students.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I love my kids just the same, but it does bring up some interesting things...
I can't relate to my kids on that level. I've never been put down because of the color of my skin. Try as you might to tell me that it doesn't happen, but oh, it still does. Sometimes I wonder, what credibility do I have as a white woman standing in front of these kids? I am fortunate that about 90% of RCA graduates will go onto college. What about when I teach at a school where only 10% of students go on to college? I'm just a white girl, what do I know about some of the things they're going through? Add to that fact that we have 3 out of 23 people in my cohort that are of minority races, meaning that we are headed out into the world of education still mostly white. Some of my cohort members are teaching in schools where there is a low graduation rate and there are 2 white kids in their classes. And the school board wants them to teach The Great Gatsby. Now, considering my fish is named Gatsby, you know I love that book. But what do these minority students have to relate to in a book about rich white people? This adds another dimension to my job- I have to think about and introduce books differently. If I were to teach Fitzgerald's book, I'd have to preface it by asking students if they'd ever been in a situation where they liked a girl (or boy) so much, but that girl/boy wouldn't date them because they didn't have money. Then I'd have to bring in the gangster aspect of it.
I'm ranting, I know, but I wonder how many teachers who have been teaching for many years still think about these things. I am lucky that Allisa uses authors of various races in her classes. She doesn't point it out like it's some big "whoop-dee-do," but it's just another part of our class. I like that.
Bottom line: I love my kids. They are special. And I pray every day that I can be a light to them and that I can let them know how special they are.
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
15 years ago today...
I cannot believe it's been 15 years. I cannot believe I have spent over 2/3 of my life without my daddy.
I made it until right now until crying. Losing a loved one creates indescribable pain- it's a different kind of heartbreak. I remember this day 15 years ago so vividly. I could tell you that I was wearing my favorite 101 Dalmatians T-shirt. I could tell you I got sent to my room because I argued with my dad about what clothes I would wear that day (a big debacle for a six year old). I didn't go to my room. I sat on the top step of the stairs because something told me not to go. I could tell you that, at 6 years old, I heard my dad having a heart attack, that I heard him gasping for air. I watched as Courtney banged on the bathroom door and she and Mom opened it. I saw my mom give him CPR. I saw Kristy run past me in a flash to help downstairs. I was whisked to a neighbor's house as the sirens started. "Victoria doesn't need to see this." My heart aches to think of how much more my sisters and mom saw. I could vividly describe to you what the hospital smelled like, the humming noise of the fluorescent lights. "Daddy is in heaven now." I could tell you what it was like to say goodbye to someone who wasn't my daddy anymore, to someone whose hand was cold and looked like my daddy without a huge grin and a "Hey kiddo!" to great me.
I try not to think too much about this day, but it's in these quiet moments like right now when I'm left to myself that I get sad. I tried to laugh a lot today, and I did. Boy, did I. I know that's what my dad would want, a day full of laughter, because I can still hear his sweet laugh.
My memories of that day are much different than my sisters' and my mom's, and they each have their own versions of that story to tell. The days that followed this one were not easy, and I still sit in awe of all that my mom, Courtney, Kristy, and Jackie have done. I know he's smiling somewhere thinking of how proud he is of his wife and girls.
I don't even know how much different my life would be if he were here. That's what losing someone you love does- it fills you with what ifs and other questions. What if I'd had one more day? What if he was still here? What if I hadn't made him angry that morning? Who would I be today? What would my life be like? Would I have been a dancer? Would I be at UGA? Would I be in SAO? The truth is, I don't know the answer to any of those questions, and I'm not supposed to.
When I accepted Christ as my savior at 16, I acknowledged that He would fill the holes in my heart. I acknowledged that this life is no longer mine, but God's. He knows the what ifs, but it is not up to me to know or to question. I have little control over anything in this life, but I do have one option- to choose joy.
I choose joy that I have an amazing mom and sisters. I have three brothers-in-law that love my sisters as they should be loved. I have a grandpa who stepped in to be that male role model in my life. I have two nieces and three nephews who bring more of that joy into my life than I could ever have imagined. I often think about what age they will be when they start asking questions about Nana's husband, and what we will refer to my dad as, but I choose joy in knowing that they will know that even though he never knew them, he too loved them before they were born. I choose joy knowing that he would be proud of the women my sisters and I have become. He would be proud of work I've done, the job I have, the career I'm working towards, and the friends I've surrounded myself with. I choose joy in recognizing that I was showered with texts and all sorts of messages from friends saying they were thinking of me today. I choose joy in knowing that I was not given this life in vain- He has a far greater plan for me that I will ever know.
I have been on quite the journey since I posted something on this day a year ago. The hurt doesn't hurt any less, but it stabs me less often. I will always miss my daddy, and I will ALWAYS love him. Most importantly, one thing has remained constant- that my mom and sisters have been my rock- a stable force that will love me unconditionally, despite the mistakes I've made, how many times I've hurt them. I can know that I can call them anytime, anywhere, and with anything. They will listen, cry, laugh, and support me in whatever I do. That, of all things, is what my dad wanted more than anything, and it was in his death that his greatest wish of the closeness of his daughters was granted.
What's more than that, my God is bigger than the pain I face today, the pain I've faced in the past, and the pain that life will bring in the future. As much as my earthly daddy loved me, my Heavenly Father loves me just the same. I must acknowledge that my dad was God's son before he was my father, so God had the power to call him home, even if those of us on earth weren't ready. I choose joy that God loved my dad that way.
Today, despite the heartbreak, I choose joy.
Smile, God loves you!
I made it until right now until crying. Losing a loved one creates indescribable pain- it's a different kind of heartbreak. I remember this day 15 years ago so vividly. I could tell you that I was wearing my favorite 101 Dalmatians T-shirt. I could tell you I got sent to my room because I argued with my dad about what clothes I would wear that day (a big debacle for a six year old). I didn't go to my room. I sat on the top step of the stairs because something told me not to go. I could tell you that, at 6 years old, I heard my dad having a heart attack, that I heard him gasping for air. I watched as Courtney banged on the bathroom door and she and Mom opened it. I saw my mom give him CPR. I saw Kristy run past me in a flash to help downstairs. I was whisked to a neighbor's house as the sirens started. "Victoria doesn't need to see this." My heart aches to think of how much more my sisters and mom saw. I could vividly describe to you what the hospital smelled like, the humming noise of the fluorescent lights. "Daddy is in heaven now." I could tell you what it was like to say goodbye to someone who wasn't my daddy anymore, to someone whose hand was cold and looked like my daddy without a huge grin and a "Hey kiddo!" to great me.
I try not to think too much about this day, but it's in these quiet moments like right now when I'm left to myself that I get sad. I tried to laugh a lot today, and I did. Boy, did I. I know that's what my dad would want, a day full of laughter, because I can still hear his sweet laugh.
My memories of that day are much different than my sisters' and my mom's, and they each have their own versions of that story to tell. The days that followed this one were not easy, and I still sit in awe of all that my mom, Courtney, Kristy, and Jackie have done. I know he's smiling somewhere thinking of how proud he is of his wife and girls.
I don't even know how much different my life would be if he were here. That's what losing someone you love does- it fills you with what ifs and other questions. What if I'd had one more day? What if he was still here? What if I hadn't made him angry that morning? Who would I be today? What would my life be like? Would I have been a dancer? Would I be at UGA? Would I be in SAO? The truth is, I don't know the answer to any of those questions, and I'm not supposed to.
When I accepted Christ as my savior at 16, I acknowledged that He would fill the holes in my heart. I acknowledged that this life is no longer mine, but God's. He knows the what ifs, but it is not up to me to know or to question. I have little control over anything in this life, but I do have one option- to choose joy.
I choose joy that I have an amazing mom and sisters. I have three brothers-in-law that love my sisters as they should be loved. I have a grandpa who stepped in to be that male role model in my life. I have two nieces and three nephews who bring more of that joy into my life than I could ever have imagined. I often think about what age they will be when they start asking questions about Nana's husband, and what we will refer to my dad as, but I choose joy in knowing that they will know that even though he never knew them, he too loved them before they were born. I choose joy knowing that he would be proud of the women my sisters and I have become. He would be proud of work I've done, the job I have, the career I'm working towards, and the friends I've surrounded myself with. I choose joy in recognizing that I was showered with texts and all sorts of messages from friends saying they were thinking of me today. I choose joy in knowing that I was not given this life in vain- He has a far greater plan for me that I will ever know.
I have been on quite the journey since I posted something on this day a year ago. The hurt doesn't hurt any less, but it stabs me less often. I will always miss my daddy, and I will ALWAYS love him. Most importantly, one thing has remained constant- that my mom and sisters have been my rock- a stable force that will love me unconditionally, despite the mistakes I've made, how many times I've hurt them. I can know that I can call them anytime, anywhere, and with anything. They will listen, cry, laugh, and support me in whatever I do. That, of all things, is what my dad wanted more than anything, and it was in his death that his greatest wish of the closeness of his daughters was granted.
What's more than that, my God is bigger than the pain I face today, the pain I've faced in the past, and the pain that life will bring in the future. As much as my earthly daddy loved me, my Heavenly Father loves me just the same. I must acknowledge that my dad was God's son before he was my father, so God had the power to call him home, even if those of us on earth weren't ready. I choose joy that God loved my dad that way.
Today, despite the heartbreak, I choose joy.
Smile, God loves you!
Friday, September 6, 2013
Daily Bread
Well, I think this is the longest I have gone without a blog post in a very long time, but I've been so busy this has kind of slipped my mind. I've also chosen to make this blog public again (I know, I went through all that just to make it public again), but I did so because I have realized that I could make it so you have to have the link to view the blog and it won't show up in google searches, meaning the only way my students could find it would be through my Facebook, but since that's also private, they wouldn't be able to find it. So, I'm baaaaaack.
I cannot believe it's September, I really can't. I have been at RCA for 5 weeks. Wow! Sorry UGA, but I can honestly say I have learned more in the 5 weeks of my practicum and my major-specific classes with my cohort than I did in the other 3 years of my college career. Now I know why the college of ed made the pre-req courses for education majors so easy, because your butt literally gets kicked every day once you're in your major.
I taught my first mini-lesson on Wednesday at RCA! The form of scaffolding that my MT (Mentor Teacher) uses involves making a template of each type of formal writing assignment that students will do. Since we are focusing so much on reading, one of their formal writing assignments includes writing a book review. I made the template for the book review and then taught it to the class on Wednesday. I had no idea I was going to teach that day, but during planning Allisa told me I was ready and that the only way I would learn to teach would be diving right in. Since she's been teaching for 10 years I believe her! She asked what I was most nervous about and I told her that transitions and getting started make me a little scared so we talked through them. It could not have gone better! The head of the department even came in while I was teaching and I just kept going. Allisa told me I was a "rock star" and that I did really well. The Vice Principal even checked in on me after the lesson to see how things went. I know I'm very spoiled at RCA!
The block scheduling at RCA makes life a little difficult though, because I only get to see the kids every other week which makes building relationships difficult. However, I was even more pleased that the students "had my back" during the lesson. If certain students would start to get off task, other students would tell them to be quiet and listen to me. What victory! All that time I spend loving on them and talking to them does make a difference. I wrote about this on Facebook, but the only downfall happened at the end of the lesson when I asked if anyone had questions...their question? If my blonde hair was natural! Oh well, I laughed and said yes and then continued with the lesson.
I was also surprised that period B4 (block scheduling = A days and B days) which is a NIGHTMARE was great during my lesson as well. That class is exhausting. Teacher friends reading this, Allisa and I need your help with this class. They are great kids and they are brilliant, but all 32 of them have outspoken, opinionated personalities, resulting in them being about 2 days behind every other class. That class is an inclusion class (meaning that students with learning or intellectual disabilities, or students with Individualized Education Plans or Section 504 plans are also in there) but the students with disabilities are the most well behaved. We do, however, have an opportunity for a co-teacher to come in. Her name is Felicia and I love her. I admit that all of the stories I have heard about co-teaching tend to have nightmare qualities to them, but Allisa never has anything but awesome things to say about Felicia. She knows what she's doing and has such a heart for teaching. On Wednesday she was walking beside the bus as it rolled away talking to a student through a bus window answering his questions- that's dedication! She's also one of the teachers at RCA that treats me like a coworker and not a student teacher. Everyone there is so nice, but sometimes I feel like they think they have to "water down" teaching conversations for me to understand, but Felicia doesn't do that, and it's something I really appreciate. Allisa doesn't do this either, but she does spend a lot of time explaining things to me at my request because I want to be fully informed and prepared for what we do each day.
Recruitment ended last night with our bid day celebration for SAO, which means things will slow down the tiniest bit. I've literally spent the last two weeks running from one place to the next and getting about 5 hours of sleep every night. If you know me, that is not good! But, I have discovered that I function remarkably well on 6 hours of sleep.
What does all of this have to do with daily bread? Every morning when the alarm goes off at 5:20 and I do NOT want to get out of bed, I say a simple prayer, "Lord, please give me the strength and energy for the day," and He does. He is SO faithful. His love never fails. One thing that is nice about the 1 hour commute to RCA is that I have time to pray and spend in reflection. I usually pray the majority of the way there. I pray over the day, over the students, and that I do well. I pray that I am a light in the school and that students know I care. I pray Jesus works through me to help those students. I pray that I "embrace the noise" that 15 year old have (because they ARE noisy), and I use their opinions to my advantage rather than continually tell them to be quiet. I also pray that God multiplies the time in the day (ie: fish and loaves Bible story).
For someone who LOVES to plan and know what's happening next, I've really had to rely on God to get me through life one day at a time. I also don't want to spend so much time looking forward that I don't enjoy today. Although a lot of planning is involved in teaching and knowing what comes next, while I am at school I focus on RCA and not my UGA classes, and vice versa.
I've also been blessed with an awesome cohort. We spent 9 hours together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we've really bonded over our "one foot in the door of adulthood" type lives. We do vent a lot , but we also build each other up. We joke that whenever someone walks in the door before 8 am with their eyes open and clothes on, then they've already succeeded for the day. I have noticed that I complain/vent a lot, and that's something I'm working on.
A friend is going through something similar to what I went through a year ago, and it has been nice to look back on this blog and reflect on what I was feeling and how God refined me. I hope to use this as sort of a journal of my student teaching experience. I want to look back at posts and see growth and what has changed. For now though, I'm just working to get through one day at a time and fight off this new cold I have (teenage germs are the WORST. My immune system is in overdrive. I just got over a cold only to now feel another one). HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS though.
Smile, God loves you!
I cannot believe it's September, I really can't. I have been at RCA for 5 weeks. Wow! Sorry UGA, but I can honestly say I have learned more in the 5 weeks of my practicum and my major-specific classes with my cohort than I did in the other 3 years of my college career. Now I know why the college of ed made the pre-req courses for education majors so easy, because your butt literally gets kicked every day once you're in your major.
I taught my first mini-lesson on Wednesday at RCA! The form of scaffolding that my MT (Mentor Teacher) uses involves making a template of each type of formal writing assignment that students will do. Since we are focusing so much on reading, one of their formal writing assignments includes writing a book review. I made the template for the book review and then taught it to the class on Wednesday. I had no idea I was going to teach that day, but during planning Allisa told me I was ready and that the only way I would learn to teach would be diving right in. Since she's been teaching for 10 years I believe her! She asked what I was most nervous about and I told her that transitions and getting started make me a little scared so we talked through them. It could not have gone better! The head of the department even came in while I was teaching and I just kept going. Allisa told me I was a "rock star" and that I did really well. The Vice Principal even checked in on me after the lesson to see how things went. I know I'm very spoiled at RCA!
The block scheduling at RCA makes life a little difficult though, because I only get to see the kids every other week which makes building relationships difficult. However, I was even more pleased that the students "had my back" during the lesson. If certain students would start to get off task, other students would tell them to be quiet and listen to me. What victory! All that time I spend loving on them and talking to them does make a difference. I wrote about this on Facebook, but the only downfall happened at the end of the lesson when I asked if anyone had questions...their question? If my blonde hair was natural! Oh well, I laughed and said yes and then continued with the lesson.
I was also surprised that period B4 (block scheduling = A days and B days) which is a NIGHTMARE was great during my lesson as well. That class is exhausting. Teacher friends reading this, Allisa and I need your help with this class. They are great kids and they are brilliant, but all 32 of them have outspoken, opinionated personalities, resulting in them being about 2 days behind every other class. That class is an inclusion class (meaning that students with learning or intellectual disabilities, or students with Individualized Education Plans or Section 504 plans are also in there) but the students with disabilities are the most well behaved. We do, however, have an opportunity for a co-teacher to come in. Her name is Felicia and I love her. I admit that all of the stories I have heard about co-teaching tend to have nightmare qualities to them, but Allisa never has anything but awesome things to say about Felicia. She knows what she's doing and has such a heart for teaching. On Wednesday she was walking beside the bus as it rolled away talking to a student through a bus window answering his questions- that's dedication! She's also one of the teachers at RCA that treats me like a coworker and not a student teacher. Everyone there is so nice, but sometimes I feel like they think they have to "water down" teaching conversations for me to understand, but Felicia doesn't do that, and it's something I really appreciate. Allisa doesn't do this either, but she does spend a lot of time explaining things to me at my request because I want to be fully informed and prepared for what we do each day.
Recruitment ended last night with our bid day celebration for SAO, which means things will slow down the tiniest bit. I've literally spent the last two weeks running from one place to the next and getting about 5 hours of sleep every night. If you know me, that is not good! But, I have discovered that I function remarkably well on 6 hours of sleep.
What does all of this have to do with daily bread? Every morning when the alarm goes off at 5:20 and I do NOT want to get out of bed, I say a simple prayer, "Lord, please give me the strength and energy for the day," and He does. He is SO faithful. His love never fails. One thing that is nice about the 1 hour commute to RCA is that I have time to pray and spend in reflection. I usually pray the majority of the way there. I pray over the day, over the students, and that I do well. I pray that I am a light in the school and that students know I care. I pray Jesus works through me to help those students. I pray that I "embrace the noise" that 15 year old have (because they ARE noisy), and I use their opinions to my advantage rather than continually tell them to be quiet. I also pray that God multiplies the time in the day (ie: fish and loaves Bible story).
For someone who LOVES to plan and know what's happening next, I've really had to rely on God to get me through life one day at a time. I also don't want to spend so much time looking forward that I don't enjoy today. Although a lot of planning is involved in teaching and knowing what comes next, while I am at school I focus on RCA and not my UGA classes, and vice versa.
I've also been blessed with an awesome cohort. We spent 9 hours together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we've really bonded over our "one foot in the door of adulthood" type lives. We do vent a lot , but we also build each other up. We joke that whenever someone walks in the door before 8 am with their eyes open and clothes on, then they've already succeeded for the day. I have noticed that I complain/vent a lot, and that's something I'm working on.
A friend is going through something similar to what I went through a year ago, and it has been nice to look back on this blog and reflect on what I was feeling and how God refined me. I hope to use this as sort of a journal of my student teaching experience. I want to look back at posts and see growth and what has changed. For now though, I'm just working to get through one day at a time and fight off this new cold I have (teenage germs are the WORST. My immune system is in overdrive. I just got over a cold only to now feel another one). HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS though.
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Busy and Overwhelmed
Well, as of 4:45 this afternoon I survived my first week of the "hardest and worse year of [my] college career," at least that's how everyone prefaces the year of English Ed practicum and student teaching. I have been told from various people that EE is one of the hardest education programs at UGA.
How do I feel, you ask? Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Inadequate. Unprepared. Anxious.
I was doing pretty well until I got the short end of the stick for showing up late for duty because I got out of class at 4:45 on the opposite side of campus and couldn't get back here until 5, even though I did what I was told and told a supervisor for the evening that I'd be late. Then the bus was late. Then I snapped at someone which caused them to get defensive. And then I come into my room and there is this horrible smell of rotten food (despite having cleaned out my "pantry" and fridge), and I don't want my residents to have a smelly RA. That last reason is completely irrational I know, but I just lost it and just finished having my first break down of what I'm sure will be many this year. I let myself cry for about 5 minutes and then I got myself together. I think that's pretty reasonable. Oh, and I have myself locked in my room until I calm down and can then go concentrate and love on my residents. I just needed a little "me" time for about 20 minutes to recharge so I can hopefully be a good RA to them.
Why are you having those emotions? Well, my week looks a little like this:
Sunday at 8-9 pm: RA meeting
Monday:
5:15 am- get up
6:30 am- leave Athens
7:45 am- must be at RCA
4:30 pm (ish)- leave RCA
5:30-8pm- SAO exec meetings and chapter
Tuesday:
5:15 am- wake up
5:30 am- go for a run
7:30 am- leave for class
8am-4:45pm- in class in the same room in the education building
Wednesday:
Same as Monday except then I go on duty at 5pm which means I have to leave RCA before 4:00pm. Luckily Allisa (my mentor teacher AKA "MT") has a doctoral class in Athens at 5 so I don't feel guilty for leaving early.
Thursday:
same as Tuesday
Friday: "off" except every other week I have a meeting with my supervisory team for EE and every other week I have a one-on-one meeting with my supervisor for Housing.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm taking 5 different classes with my cohort (the 23 other English Ed majors in the program). One person has already dropped the major because just hearing about all we have to do overwhelmed her. Our Teaching Team says it's pretty typical for 2-3 people to drop. My work load is insane, consisting of 6 textbook chapters, 5 article readings that are 30-60 pages each, 1 essay response, 1 discussion post and a comment on a classmate's post, a presentation and rationale, observing and taking formal notes on my MT, observing and taking formal notes on a student, commenting on a classmate's blogpost, and writing a blogpost on my teacher blog (missrivard.blogspot.com- feel free to read that too, but it's mostly professional stuff, I decided to use this one for more personal posts since I don't think discussing my anxiety freak outs and Jesus on a teacher blog is appropriate just yet). Add to that trying to get to know my residents and catering to their needs- I'm pooped. It's hard to get all of that done and go to bed at a reasonable hour.
I'm complaining a lot, I know, but quite honestly I'm just needing to vent right now. And since this blog is private now and the only people to follow this are big parts of my life, I feel comfortable doing so. Thanks for reading, I really just needed that vent session. Now I will unlock my door and go love on my residents. Poor things, they never see me (feeling of inadequacy).
I really am loving my MT and RCA, like so much. But then I have this nagging feeling that says, "is this really what you're supposed to be doing?" I know it's God's plan for me right now, and I just think it's Satan picking at me while I'm weak. Coming into college and throughout my high school career, I didn't think I'd be a teacher, but God has provided and shown me that this is where He wants me. Every morning I have the same prayer, "Lord, please just give me the strength to get through the day," and He has. I think this afternoon I knew the craziness was over and so I could look to what lies ahead tomorrow rather than taking it one day at a time and I just freaked out a little.
Needless to say, prayers would be GREATLY appreciated.
Smile, God loves you!
How do I feel, you ask? Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Inadequate. Unprepared. Anxious.
I was doing pretty well until I got the short end of the stick for showing up late for duty because I got out of class at 4:45 on the opposite side of campus and couldn't get back here until 5, even though I did what I was told and told a supervisor for the evening that I'd be late. Then the bus was late. Then I snapped at someone which caused them to get defensive. And then I come into my room and there is this horrible smell of rotten food (despite having cleaned out my "pantry" and fridge), and I don't want my residents to have a smelly RA. That last reason is completely irrational I know, but I just lost it and just finished having my first break down of what I'm sure will be many this year. I let myself cry for about 5 minutes and then I got myself together. I think that's pretty reasonable. Oh, and I have myself locked in my room until I calm down and can then go concentrate and love on my residents. I just needed a little "me" time for about 20 minutes to recharge so I can hopefully be a good RA to them.
Why are you having those emotions? Well, my week looks a little like this:
Sunday at 8-9 pm: RA meeting
Monday:
5:15 am- get up
6:30 am- leave Athens
7:45 am- must be at RCA
4:30 pm (ish)- leave RCA
5:30-8pm- SAO exec meetings and chapter
Tuesday:
5:15 am- wake up
5:30 am- go for a run
7:30 am- leave for class
8am-4:45pm- in class in the same room in the education building
Wednesday:
Same as Monday except then I go on duty at 5pm which means I have to leave RCA before 4:00pm. Luckily Allisa (my mentor teacher AKA "MT") has a doctoral class in Athens at 5 so I don't feel guilty for leaving early.
Thursday:
same as Tuesday
Friday: "off" except every other week I have a meeting with my supervisory team for EE and every other week I have a one-on-one meeting with my supervisor for Housing.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm taking 5 different classes with my cohort (the 23 other English Ed majors in the program). One person has already dropped the major because just hearing about all we have to do overwhelmed her. Our Teaching Team says it's pretty typical for 2-3 people to drop. My work load is insane, consisting of 6 textbook chapters, 5 article readings that are 30-60 pages each, 1 essay response, 1 discussion post and a comment on a classmate's post, a presentation and rationale, observing and taking formal notes on my MT, observing and taking formal notes on a student, commenting on a classmate's blogpost, and writing a blogpost on my teacher blog (missrivard.blogspot.com- feel free to read that too, but it's mostly professional stuff, I decided to use this one for more personal posts since I don't think discussing my anxiety freak outs and Jesus on a teacher blog is appropriate just yet). Add to that trying to get to know my residents and catering to their needs- I'm pooped. It's hard to get all of that done and go to bed at a reasonable hour.
I'm complaining a lot, I know, but quite honestly I'm just needing to vent right now. And since this blog is private now and the only people to follow this are big parts of my life, I feel comfortable doing so. Thanks for reading, I really just needed that vent session. Now I will unlock my door and go love on my residents. Poor things, they never see me (feeling of inadequacy).
I really am loving my MT and RCA, like so much. But then I have this nagging feeling that says, "is this really what you're supposed to be doing?" I know it's God's plan for me right now, and I just think it's Satan picking at me while I'm weak. Coming into college and throughout my high school career, I didn't think I'd be a teacher, but God has provided and shown me that this is where He wants me. Every morning I have the same prayer, "Lord, please just give me the strength to get through the day," and He has. I think this afternoon I knew the craziness was over and so I could look to what lies ahead tomorrow rather than taking it one day at a time and I just freaked out a little.
Needless to say, prayers would be GREATLY appreciated.
Smile, God loves you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)