Being Wrong

No one likes to be wrong. I HATE being wrong. I'm a perfectionist, I'm OCD, I have an anxiety disorder, I am rarely wrong. Due to the events in my life, I've convinced myself that if I stay 3 steps ahead of the rest of the world that everything will be ok. It worked for the majority of my life, until I became an RA.

When applying to be an RA, they tell you you'll be overworked and underpaid, they tell you you now live in a fish bowl, and they tell you it'll be hard because you work where you live. Heck, they even tell you to expect to be called in the middle of the night. They don't tell you that you'll be called a bitch, or mean, or rude every time you document an incident. They don't tell you that residents will get you out of the shower for a trivial issue. They don't tell you that you have to be empathetic towards little situations like someone's light bulb burnt out or they dropped a toothbrush on the floor. They don't tell you that for every step forward there will be 4 steps backward. They don't tell you that you'll constantly be corrected, and that you'll rarely ever be right. They don't tell you a lot of things.

As an RA you have to humanize and de-humanize yourself at the same time. You have to develop a thick skin while at the same time be so invested in your residents that you're up when they're up and you're down when they're down. You have to put every personal issue aside if a resident needs you. Residents expect you to be a robot, because they majority of your job happens behind the scenes. They tell me I make it "look so easy." Well, you should have seen me 15 minutes ago when I had an emotional breakdown in my room. When you live where you work, you're not allowed to have a bad day, you have to be "on" 24/7. If a resident sees that your face is puffy because you've just been crying and you say you don't want to talk about it, the entire hall knows that you've been crying within 5 minutes. They ask if you're ok, but if you said why you're really upset the entire hall would know that in another 5 minutes. They don't tell you any of this in the many hours of RA training.

Now, I am grateful for my job. I've made friends I know I will have for a lifetime. I really, truly care for my residents. I started praying for them when I found out I was an RA. I pray for them daily. I do want to listen to their problems and I do want to know about their days. There are good times, like last week when I sat in the hall with 5 residents for an hour just talking about our lives, or when a resident makes a great grade on a paper you helped them with. I know I'm supposed to be a servant to God, and I should not complain, but I'm human. I worked so hard to get this position and now I'm questioning all of it. But I know I'm where God wants me to be, and I was so sure of it in August, but right now I'm asking God "why?"

For now, I guess I'll just have to get used to being wrong.

Forgiveness

Yes, Jesus loves me. We all know the Sunday school song; it's really a child's first glimpse at forgiveness. This was one of the first songs Caroline sang...well it went a little like this, "YES! Jeshu ovvv me! YES! Jeshu ovv me!" Regardless of how she sang it, it makes my heart smile to think that at 18 months old she already knew that Jesus loves her.

A HUGE part of Jesus and God's love is His forgiveness. John 3:16 tells us that "for God so loved the world He gave His one and only son." He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus died so that we may be forgiven. Now, if man was made in the image of God, it means that we are capable of the qualities of God, it's just a matter of how we act on them (aka, mess ups=our sins). The Godly quality that I struggle with most is forgiveness. It's difficult for me to forgive others, but even more difficult for me to forgive myself. Now, forgiveness is something I've been working on for a long time. About a year ago, my brother-in-law, Andrew, my sister Jackie, and I had a conversation about forgiveness. Andrew told me I needed to leave every bitter feeling I had towards a person at the cross. God easily forgives us, so why is it so difficult to forgive? Now, and I'm not making this up, at the time we were having this conversation we were driving through the North Georgia Mountains on the way back from his brother's wedding, and Caroline was asleep in her car seat. At the moment we were discussing forgiveness, we drove past a giant cross on the side of the mountain that was all lit up in the night. It was so surreal that I asked if there was actually a cross there or if I was going crazy. The cross was so amazingly beautiful; it looked like it was just floating in the darkness. Background story: you all know Bobby and I had a little 5 month "hiatus," if you will. Well, in those first few months I had a lot of hatred and resentment built up against how we ended, and...maybe, a little bit towards him. Now he and I have talked about all of this which is why I'm comfortable enough to share it on here. So, I had a really hard time forgiving him. Seeing that cross in the night sky was the moment that I began my journey of forgiving him for breaking my heart. Granted, it took until January for me to "finish" forgiving him, but that moment was when it all started. This is the only example I can really think of for a time when I truly forgave someone. And, I think the time it took for me to forgive him had to do with how long it took for us to get back together. You can't start a relationship again if one person has all this built up anger and animosity towards the other.

I guess my main question is why, if I know that Jesus died for my sins, and that I am constantly forgiven for my sins, and I can forgive other people, why can I not forgive myself?
There are things I can think of all the way back in pre-school where I was nasty to someone, and I still feel bad for it. I still beat myself up about little things like that. I think about how rude I was in a moment of frustration with G, or how I snapped at my mom, or lost my patience with a resident. I constantly analyze each situation and dwell on what I did wrong. I asked God for forgiveness, and I was given it, so why can't I forgive myself? I guess...does anyone else have this problem? Any tips on how to make it easier?

Blessings and love.

Why I Want to be a Teacher

So I was in my Educational Psychology class today and we talked about poverty and how it affects children in schools. The question is...how does it NOT affect children in schools? We watched a segment from 60 Minutes about child poverty in the U.S. and frankly, I got tears in my eyes. The interviewer sat down with about 20 children from elementary school to middle school ages and asked them some questions. One of the questions was "What is it like to sleep while you're hungry?" One young boy said he couldn't sleep at night because he woke up every 5  minutes thinking about how hungry he was. Another little girl said it was embarrassing because her stomach would rumble and the kids in her class always asked her why. Now, if you're reading this, you know I'm extremely dramatic; I say I'm starving all the time. In truth, I'm not. The kids also said that it's hard to concentrate when they've had to skip dinner and breakfast.

The interviewer also asked if any of the kids had their electricity turned off at home. 18 of the 20 children raised their hands. 18 out of 20! Their parents had to choose between feeding their family, or having electricity. The students also said they did their homework by candlelight. One older boy, about 14, said he went out in the car and used the overhead light just so he could get his studying done. The tear-jerker came when one girl, about 12, started to cry and said that she felt like her parents' poverty was all her fault because they had to buy her food and clothes.

It was this last statement from the girl that gave me this overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to enter the teaching profession. From reading by big sis's blog, I know that schools aren't what they used to be; parents don't care, students don't care, and teachers are teaching according to a bar set not according to their students' individual needs. This I know; however, I know God wants me to teach. I want to show the students the power of love and warmth. I will love those high schoolers (even thought it might almost kill me sometimes) like they're my own. Yes, I stress about money, and yes, there were times things were tight, but I always knew there was a roof over my head. I always had electricity and I always knew where my next meal was coming from. To the children who don't know these things, school really doesn't seem like that big of a deal. At 16 it will just make more sense for them to drop out of high school and work so they can contribute to their family's wages. I know what I'm up against. I want to show these students that breaking the chain and going to college will in fact benefit them more than they'll ever know. I know it won't be easy, I know I'll want to quit, but I know this is what I'm supposed to do. I want to be there for those kids. I want to show them the beauty of literature and how you can escape into a world that isn't your own, even for just a few hours. I want to see these students (even though I won't know them for a while) succeed and get accepted into college. I want to show them the beauty of an education; that although it sometimes "sucks," it will pay off in the long run. I want to love them and cherish them. I want to succeed when they succeed, and fall when they fall.

I want to be a teacher.

Number Two

So last night a group of my SAO sisters and I went to the Passion Conference Tour 2012 at Athens Church. It was a much needed emotional night of worship and message. It's been a while since I've gone to a big worship event like that, and I really needed it. I'm struggling a lot with being lonely and with Bobby being so far away. OK, I know whoever reads this probably gets really bored...wah wah, I miss my boyfriend, I know, it could be so much worse, I know. Anyway, it was so amazing just to gather with a huge group of college-aged believers and worship our Lord. Within the first few songs, I immediately felt waves of relief and the presence of Jesus. As Louie Giglio gave his speech, I was really struck by one of the things he said; that we must find a number 2. He talked about falling in love-something I can relate to. But, Louie talked about how we must first fall in love with God, our number one, and then go in search of our number 2. Fortunately, at this time in my life, I've found my number 2 in Bobby. 

A relationship is hard. It's work, and there are good days and bad days. Add in a 1,000+ mile difference and it gets even harder. Bobby and I have been struggling a lot with missing each other, which is only to be expected. We saw each other this past weekend and it was wonderful. Just to be with my best friend again. He's changed so much in the 7 weeks we were apart, and I'm so proud of the Godly man he's becoming. The distance requires a lot of trust in the person you love, and trusting yourself. Because our relationship has been weighing heavily on my heart, it's something I prayed really hard about last night about Louie spoke. I prayed that God guide us in our craziness of staying together, and that it be His will. I was hit with a sense of peace, and that was so nice and refreshing. It's crazy to think that a year ago Bobby and I were broken up, and not speaking to each other. We've been through so much in the past year and a half, and I know we have a lot more to get through. But as Bobby and I were talking last night about how we sometimes ask ourselves "Why us," that we should be grateful. We should be grateful that God loves us enough to challenge our love for each other by distancing us. And by distancing us, we must turn to Him so that we may grow together. And how much of a blessing is that? A huge one. I know we have so much going against us, and that there are so many obstacles in my way, but I'm not afraid-sad, lonely, and missing him like crazy, yes. But I am not afraid. We'll be OK. We've trusted God with our relationship and there isn't much more we can do. 

I've found my number 2.

Missing You

September is always a hard month for me; it marks however many years ago my dad died. Now, I'm not a person to typically harp on dates, but giving that this was such a huge event in my life it always affects me. This past September 19th marked 13 years since my dad died. It's hard, it really is. It's hard because I was 6, and didn't really get to know him. I knew he loved me. I knew he loved my sisters. I knew he loved my mom. And the majority of the time, knowing those 3 things is enough. Sometimes though, it's not. I've learned over the years from asking questions that when he was little he wanted to be an Astronaut when he grew up, his favorite color was red, the marines was where he learned to smoke, he had a dog named Prince who was his best friend growing up. As I pass each big milestone in my life I wish he was here: getting my driver's license, getting accepted into college, and my high school graduation. It's hard in knowing he isn't going to walk me down the aisle, my children will never know their grandfather. Each time I look at Caroline and Robby I wish my dad were here, to play with them, to comfort them, to spoil them, it hurts. I do have the memories. Like going to the pool with him, playing pirates on the swingset in our backyard, going to Dairy Queen after pre school, playing beauty and the beast, going on neighborhood runs, car trips, and him bringing home donuts after he worked the graveyard shift. They're comforting, but sometimes they aren't enough.

It's hard being in a relationship without your dad too. I so wish Bobby could have met him. I know they could have sat down and talked about History for hours on end. I see so much of my dad in Bobby, heck, they even have the same name. And I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship with a boy who accepts the fact that I'm awkward around male authority figures. I've had to learn a lot of things the hard way about boys. But luckily, Bobby accepts my faults, and the fact that I'm naive when it comes to guys.

I, like every other person, have good days and bad days. Today was one of those days when I just missed him a lot, and the memories of the day he died flooded my brain. I don't like to talk about that day, no one would, but I recently answered some friends' questions about what happened so that's probably why a lot of this has surfaced. I still love him, and I know he still loves me. I know what happened is part of God's plan, and although it has taken me 13 years, I accept it. I am so blessed in every other aspect of my life. But sometimes...I'm still that little girl on a swingset, waiting for her daddy to come play with her. Sometimes, I just need to sit back and remember the wonderful man who is my father, and cherish every memory I have.

Distance

To be blunt, distance sucks.

I hate distance. I hate Pennsylvania. I hate Gettysburg. But...I love the boy who is distanced from me, and the boy who goes to school in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. I don't know how these men and women have husbands and wives in the military and are separated for extended periods of time. It's been 5 weeks since I've seen Bobby, and we have another 2 to go, but my heart hurts so badly I can barely stand it. I am grateful he is not in a war-torn country, I am grateful in knowing he will come home. I am grateful in knowing he is safe. But, I'm whining and just miss him. It's crazy to think that a year ago I was crying because I missed him in a different way, and I think that's what makes this hard. I get anxious because I'm away from him and this feels like last year, but then all he has to do is say "I love you," and it's all OK. A year and a half is a long time for people our age to be together. Yes, we had a 5 month "hiatus," but we've been together longer than we were apart. And we both spent those 5 months longing to talk to each other but being to scared to do it. It's also hard when I have people telling me I'm crazy all the time for trying this. OK people, I know I'm crazy. I know I'm stupid, naive, ignorant, whatever. I take what you have to say, but honestly, you don't know our relationship. We've been through a lot in the past year and a half, and we've grown stronger in our love because of it. We don't depend on each other, we depend on God. I know this is what He wants for us, I know I am where I am supposed to be in my life, but it's so hard. I don't know where the future takes us, I don't know what God's plan is, but right now I love that crazy, funny, sweet, boy who is a thousand miles away. So if you or someone you know has a loved one fighting overseas, tell them they're amazing. Especially if they have babies. I don't know how they find the strength to do it.

Sincerely,

Me.

Two Postings in a Row

Okay Okay, I know...two nights in a row Victoria, seriously? Sorry, I just finished my quiet time for the day, and I just have a few things I'd like to share with the world.

Lately I've been reading Isaiah. By lately, I mean I started it at the beginning of the summer and kind of left off somewhere in the 40th chapter until the Lord recently brought me back to the wonderful book of Isaiah. I've been struggling a lot lately with being lonely and in missing Bobby, plus there are always people on my heart. So tonight I read 45 and 46, and here are some of the highlights I made:

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord." - 45:3
Wow. Here God is, flat out telling us that He will hide special things for us. You know the expression, "there's always light at the end of the tunnel"? Where here is the light people. Right there, in scripture. God is saying there are treasures in darkness. We just have to be patient (eh, sucky, right?) and know that somewhere in our time(s) of darkness, God has a treasure in store, if not just you getting out of the darkness.

"I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me." -45:5
You know that little box I was talking about in yesterday's post? That's what I'm talking about. Yet, He still strengthens us even though we ignore and push His away.

"you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." -46:4
Again, wow. He planned your conception, your birth, and everything in between. He will never let us go. He is the only one there witnessing every tiny second of your life. He will sustain us and rescue us.

"What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted, you who are far from righteousness. I am bringing my righteousness near, it is not far away; and my salvation will not be delayed." -46:11-13
The plan. Even though right now I may be in a time of darkness, and I am so stubborn that I try (and fail) to do things my own way, His will will succeed. Right now I am in a tunnel of darkness, and those that weigh heavily on my heart are too, but His salvation will not be delayed. He is God and He cannot be stopped. He will save us.

***On a side note, if you ever want prayer, PLEASE tell me, Facebook, phone, email, anything. I'm yours. I believe in the power of prayer.