I don't think it's much of a secret that I've gained some weight in the last year and a half, and especially the last year. I am officially almost 40 lbs heavier than I was in high school, but I think if I lost 40 lbs I'd look pretty unhealthy. When I graduated from high school I did not have hips or boobs, and I have both of those things now, so I'll never be "high school skinny."
I've always struggled with my weight, and a lot of that has to do with being a dancer. I spent about 15 hours a week in the studio, and that meant 15 hours a week of staring at myself in a leotard and tights, meaning that I could see every dimple, every pudge, etc. I look at pictures of myself in tutus and laugh- back then I thought I was HUGE and I was actually tiny. I remember there being days where I didn't want to eat, and I'd only eat an apple for lunch, but then I'd be starving by the time I got home from school and I'd eat 3 bowls of cereal. The pressure to be a stick-thin ballerina consumed me at times.
Like most college kids, I gained the dreaded freshman 15, but after counting calories and working out, by the time I finished my freshman year I was within 3 pounds of my high school weight- not too shabby, but I'm not there now. Since my sophomore year of college, I've gone through phases where I count calories really well, and then I binge eat like no other.
I'll be honest and tell you all that my self-esteem is in the toilet. I'm tired of not liking my body, of feeling ugly, etc. And that's not how God intends me to see myself. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, so why can't I see myself that way? The only way I'm going to be able to lose this weight is if I do it for the Lord. My biggest prayer lately is that I see me the way God sees me. It's such a discouragement to compare myself to others, and it's not healthy at all. So, starting today, I'm doing this for God. I'm working to cut out all the processed junk that our society shoves down our throats, and do some sort of exercise every day. For now, my goal is to lose 15 lbs. Not only that, but I'd like to run a 5k by September and I'm doing the Couch to 5K Plan. I'd like to post my progress on here every week or so. Now that it's out there for the world to see, I'm hoping to keep myself accountable to lose this weight, to tone my body. I want to honor my body by taking care of it because that's what God intended.
"All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you." -Song of Solomon 4:7
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Smile, God loves you!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Problem with Christianity
I'm sure you read the title of this blog post and thought, "wait what? You're a Christian!" and I am, and I wholeheartedly believe in God and His promises, but I also realize that despite His perfection, humans are full of imperfections.
I overheard a conversation at the nail salon last week that really got me thinking. Two women were discussing their recent moves to the south and the culture shock that occurs between the North and the South. One woman said to her friend, "now remember, you're in the Bible Belt. These people walk into an institution once a week and then think they're holier than thou. They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk." Hearing this woman say that is not the first time I've heard it; in fact, before I became a Christian, I often thought those things too. And that's the problem with Christianity, it's easy to talk the talk without walking the walk. Being a Christian is hard work. You may read that and laugh, but it is. As a Christian, a certain level of perfection is expected. I am expected to have it together, be nice to everyone, never struggle, etc. That's actually the one thing about the perception of Christianity that annoys me, and I work to break that stereotype through my blog. I want you to see that being a Christian means I still struggle, get angry, lose my temper, get annoyed, and cry in self-pity, BUT in all of that I work to turn to God and point glory to Him. I do not always succeed, but I try, and I have seen this approach to living a Christian life prove successful in reaching non-believers.
It's no secret that I love to read, and I read a lot of Christian books as well as works "traditional" works of fiction. I get frustrated with these self-help Christian books though, because none of these authors seem to "go there," and particularly the women authors don't. These amazing women of God talk about overcoming obstacles, but tip-toe around the actual sin they've faced. In fact, the only female author who has been up-front with her struggles is Mary Beth Chapman (wife to Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman). As I've stated on here before, I want to write a book one day to help young girls learn about God and the tough things we, as women, face in this society, as well as the difficulties of growing up in our culture while trying to maintain a godly life. In the book I'm reading right now, the author talks about how she struggled with living a set-apart life, particularly when it concerned sexual sin, but also discusses how she "a lot," but not "technical sex." Now that's fine and dandy, and I appreciate her vulnerability, but then she just talks about how it was difficult to flee from that temptation, but never gives tangible aspects of how she fled from it, other than remaining in on a Friday night. But, she also mentions that Christians have to live a set-apart life but not in complete seclusion. Now, my head is spinning thinking about all of that.
I work hard to be vulnerable. There are a lot of things I've struggled with that are large parts of my testimony, but I'm not comfortable sharing with the world just yet. However, I know that someday I will be. I'm also not far enough removed from some situations to share, and those situations involve other people. And some of it I'm still working through. You sure bet though that when I write that book to help young teens everywhere that I'll be honest about it, because it will also be about 15 years from now and no one will know the people I refer to, except for a few close friends. I do my best to be vulnerable on this blog, and in my every day life. I realize I'm being a little bit of a hypocrite, but I'm also not writing a book right now nor am I a professional author (yet).
Satan has been attacking me a lot lately, and in my attempts to ward off my anxiety and his attacks, I turn to scripture and work to memorize it. Lately, the one verse that keeps coming to mind is Matthew 16:24, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.'" So, the true weight of this verse hit me. We, as Christians, often talk about dying to self and living in God, and how this verse calls us to do this, but as I was reading this the other night, the word cross stuck and out something just clicked. I always thought of picking up my cross as picking up my burdens and following Christ, knowing that the burdens would lessen along the way. But no, picking up my cross means picking up my death sentence essentially. Not in a morbid way, but picking up my cross means dying to myself. Christ died on a cross, and I, too, must die on my cross. And, just like Christ, I will live an eternal life by dying on that cross. I hope this makes sense because it was a huge epiphany to me. I do not live my life for me- I live it for Him. Christians often use this verse as an example for how to live a life, and it is, it is one of the best scriptural examples, in my opinion. However, we don't let the weight of it sink in. So, let it sink in. We must die to ourselves in order to live a Christ-like life. Being a Christian is almost like dying every day, because every day we make a choice to die to self; every day we make a choice to live like Christ; every day we surrender our hearts and allow God to fill in the gaps.
The problem is not with Christianity as a whole, but the problem lies in individual Christians and our ability to become of the world. The beauty of all of this though, is that picking up our cross may be scary and heavy, but it can be done, and knowing that every Christian must do the same thing means that you're not alone. You're never alone.
Smile, God loves you!
I overheard a conversation at the nail salon last week that really got me thinking. Two women were discussing their recent moves to the south and the culture shock that occurs between the North and the South. One woman said to her friend, "now remember, you're in the Bible Belt. These people walk into an institution once a week and then think they're holier than thou. They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk." Hearing this woman say that is not the first time I've heard it; in fact, before I became a Christian, I often thought those things too. And that's the problem with Christianity, it's easy to talk the talk without walking the walk. Being a Christian is hard work. You may read that and laugh, but it is. As a Christian, a certain level of perfection is expected. I am expected to have it together, be nice to everyone, never struggle, etc. That's actually the one thing about the perception of Christianity that annoys me, and I work to break that stereotype through my blog. I want you to see that being a Christian means I still struggle, get angry, lose my temper, get annoyed, and cry in self-pity, BUT in all of that I work to turn to God and point glory to Him. I do not always succeed, but I try, and I have seen this approach to living a Christian life prove successful in reaching non-believers.
It's no secret that I love to read, and I read a lot of Christian books as well as works "traditional" works of fiction. I get frustrated with these self-help Christian books though, because none of these authors seem to "go there," and particularly the women authors don't. These amazing women of God talk about overcoming obstacles, but tip-toe around the actual sin they've faced. In fact, the only female author who has been up-front with her struggles is Mary Beth Chapman (wife to Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman). As I've stated on here before, I want to write a book one day to help young girls learn about God and the tough things we, as women, face in this society, as well as the difficulties of growing up in our culture while trying to maintain a godly life. In the book I'm reading right now, the author talks about how she struggled with living a set-apart life, particularly when it concerned sexual sin, but also discusses how she "a lot," but not "technical sex." Now that's fine and dandy, and I appreciate her vulnerability, but then she just talks about how it was difficult to flee from that temptation, but never gives tangible aspects of how she fled from it, other than remaining in on a Friday night. But, she also mentions that Christians have to live a set-apart life but not in complete seclusion. Now, my head is spinning thinking about all of that.
I work hard to be vulnerable. There are a lot of things I've struggled with that are large parts of my testimony, but I'm not comfortable sharing with the world just yet. However, I know that someday I will be. I'm also not far enough removed from some situations to share, and those situations involve other people. And some of it I'm still working through. You sure bet though that when I write that book to help young teens everywhere that I'll be honest about it, because it will also be about 15 years from now and no one will know the people I refer to, except for a few close friends. I do my best to be vulnerable on this blog, and in my every day life. I realize I'm being a little bit of a hypocrite, but I'm also not writing a book right now nor am I a professional author (yet).
Satan has been attacking me a lot lately, and in my attempts to ward off my anxiety and his attacks, I turn to scripture and work to memorize it. Lately, the one verse that keeps coming to mind is Matthew 16:24, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.'" So, the true weight of this verse hit me. We, as Christians, often talk about dying to self and living in God, and how this verse calls us to do this, but as I was reading this the other night, the word cross stuck and out something just clicked. I always thought of picking up my cross as picking up my burdens and following Christ, knowing that the burdens would lessen along the way. But no, picking up my cross means picking up my death sentence essentially. Not in a morbid way, but picking up my cross means dying to myself. Christ died on a cross, and I, too, must die on my cross. And, just like Christ, I will live an eternal life by dying on that cross. I hope this makes sense because it was a huge epiphany to me. I do not live my life for me- I live it for Him. Christians often use this verse as an example for how to live a life, and it is, it is one of the best scriptural examples, in my opinion. However, we don't let the weight of it sink in. So, let it sink in. We must die to ourselves in order to live a Christ-like life. Being a Christian is almost like dying every day, because every day we make a choice to die to self; every day we make a choice to live like Christ; every day we surrender our hearts and allow God to fill in the gaps.
The problem is not with Christianity as a whole, but the problem lies in individual Christians and our ability to become of the world. The beauty of all of this though, is that picking up our cross may be scary and heavy, but it can be done, and knowing that every Christian must do the same thing means that you're not alone. You're never alone.
Smile, God loves you!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Outgrowing Things
(I realize I've been posting a lot lately, and I'm sorry about that, but I've been kind of bored and writing keeps me from getting too anxious.)
I think most kids have a favorite piece of clothing that they like to wear when they're little. Mine just so happened to be a purple dress with white flowers around the waist. I wore it to my first, and last, Daddy Daughter dance with my dad in Kindergarten. I wore that dress to his funeral. I wore that dress on picture day in 1st grade...and in second grade. Any time my mom would let me wear it, I would. I loved that dress, and it was a fancy dress to me, and I felt pretty wearing it. Well, the day came when the dress no longer fit. I outgrew it. Caroline now plays dress up in that dress, and it's like looking back in time since she and I look so much alike. I don't know whether we're in 2013 or 1997. I've come to realize these last few months that I've kind of outgrown my hometown, Marietta.
When I came to UGA, people always said you couldn't go to school here and not spend a summer in Athens, at which I rolled my eyes and thought "yea right." Well, actually, they were right. Even finishing freshman year, and sophomore year, I didn't think I'd spend a summer here. A lot of that had to do with the boyfriend I had at home, but I also didn't think I could spend more time away from my family than I already was. Funny thing is, now thinking about spending the summer in Marietta makes me cringe. Last summer was, well, miserable. None of my friends were in Marietta: some were abroad, scattered across the country in their hometowns, and a lot were in Athens. Pair with that a broken heart and well, I hated it. It was lonely and boring, but it did give me a great chance to spend time with Mom and G. Caroline and Drew also became my best friends since I spent the majority of the summer with them (some may call it sad, I call it being an aunt.) I also got to spend a lot of time with Jackie and grow closer, which is great.
Marietta holds a lot of memories- good and bad. To think I never wanted to leave that town and now I don't want to go back. I wish I could transport my house and my family to Athens. Granted, I do always breathe a sigh of relief as I drive through the back roads of Kennesaw Mountain and the battlefields because it means I'm home, and it's what I know. I go to be with my family, and that's all that keeps me in Marietta, which is fine because we all know I'd die without the love, support, and laughter that my family supplies me with.
My heart is in Athens, GA- a place I certainly would never have expected it to be. I love this town and this campus so much that I want to go to graduate school here. It's funny because I do like this location because it's not to far from home, but to me, home is where my family is. There are certain comforts of my house, the big blue house I've lived in since I was 3. But we don't take the possessions of this world with us (now I know I won't feel that way when it comes time to leave that house, but I digress). In thinking about grad school I don't want to go anywhere too far from home, but we have this magnet that sits on the fridge at home that says, "Home is Where Your Mom is," and that's really what I mean when I say I don't want to go too far from home. I'm a Mama's girl and I take comfort knowing she can come visit me and go home all within one day.
Marietta holds a lot of memories for me, it's where I grew up, and I've lived there my whole life, but my heart is in Athens. And just like that purple dress, I think I've outgrown it and it's time to go on to bigger and better things and places (even though Athens is smaller!).
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Fearless
Yes this is my second post this week, but I write when I need to calm myself down.
I'm a worry wart. This, too, manifested itself as a part of my life after my dad died. It's something I really don't like about myself. It's a daily struggle for me. I worry about where I'll be tomorrow. I worry about what I will be doing in 5 years. Will I get married? Will I have babies? to: Am I doing enough for my family? Let me also mention I have control issues. I hate not being with my family, because I feel like I have some control when I'm with them. No, I do not want to control what they do, but I feel like I have control that I could be there in 5 minutes if they needed me. My worry used to be debilitating.
I was a senior year in high school when my inability to sleep really got started. My worry kept me awake at night. I was just so anxious about what the next year in college held for me. I'm also the type of person who does not function well on little sleep. But, when I lay in my bed for 8 hours, I'm really probably getting about 6 hours of sleep. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to bed. My mind starts reeling and I just can't turn it off. Over the last 3 years it's gotten a lot better, but it comes and goes. Right now, with finals and realizing I'll be student teaching in a few months and knowing I'll be in Athens all summer...I'm anxious. Add to that that there are some tough things going on with the people I love; I'm not sleeping. You can all see that by the fact that I'm writing on this blog at 1:30 in the morning. I'm usually in bed by midnight. My residents see me up past midnight and ask if I'm ok! My residents...another cause of my worry: did I do enough for them? Was I a good RA? Did I make a difference? Did I offer them each the individual support they needed? I just don't know. Needless to say I haven't been falling asleep until close to 3 am every night and then sleeping until noon. This has to stop before I got home for my 3 week break because two of my little chickadees like to come in my room around 8:30 saying "Toria are you awake?" Oh how I love my little Robby and Caroline (and Drew, Jacob, and Kristy and Luke's little one who hasn't joined us yet!)! Which leads to something else...
I follow the Tripp Halstead updates on Facebook. For those of you who don't know, Tripp Halstead is a two year old who, in October, was hit in the head with a tree limb while playing outside at daycare. It was a freak accident and left him severely brain damaged. Anyway, I was looking at their page and looked at the albums from before his accident. And I thought, "all they did was send their little boy to daycare like they do every other day." And I thought about the Sandy Hook tragedy, and those people just sent their children to school, something millions of people do on a daily basis. Things change in the blink of an eye. So why do I allow my worry to consume my thoughts so much that I can't live in the present? I frustrate myself so much by doing this.
My mom and my sisters tell a story about me from when I was little, before my dad died. I was a fearless child. Like most suburban neighborhoods, we have a pool down the street, and we spent almost every day during the summer at the pool. Well, when I was learning to swim I hated my floaties, but what kid doesn't? I wanted to be like my sisters and swim without help and in the deep end. So in the 2 seconds in which my family would turn around to put my floaties in the pool bag, I would run full speed ahead and throw myself into the pool (such an obedient child, clearly.). Needless to say I would give everyone a heart attack and someone would have to jump in after me and save me. I'm sure my family learned to anticipate this happening.
I would jump into those waters because I knew someone would save me. I knew that with help my head would pop back up out of the water. The water should have been scary, but I had no fear of it, I knew I would have help and no one would let anything bad happen to me. This leads me to my question: Why am I not like that with God? Trusting God is like standing on the edge of the pool, I say I run into those waters, but right as I get to the edge I hesitate. Why? Because it's scary- but jumping into that pool was scary. But I knew my family would save me. Well, the Bible teaches me that God will always save me. In fact, I've already been saved through Christ. But Satan tells me otherwise. He tells me that there are dangers in those waters. Satan tells me that God won't be there to save me. Yet I've seen throughout so many times in my life, especially in the last year, that God will never abandon me. He won't ever let me get to a point where I'm not capable of being saved. But it's hard. It's hard to dive into the deep end with God. So many aspects of this world tell me no.
As I watched the news today I saw coverage of the Boston bombers, and then learned that there was a shooting at the Houston airport. My heart breaks. And the only thought that came to my mind was, "this world needs Jesus." We live in a scary world, and our lives can change in an instant. And following God and jumping into the depths of his love and water is hard; it's scary, because sometimes He gives us answers we don't want, and sometimes He allows us to go through things so that He can refine us. But why am I so fearful all the time? I don't want the enemy to win my heart or my thoughts. I want God to.
I want to be fearless.
Do you?
Smile, God loves you!
"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
"Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more that food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6: 25-27
I'm a worry wart. This, too, manifested itself as a part of my life after my dad died. It's something I really don't like about myself. It's a daily struggle for me. I worry about where I'll be tomorrow. I worry about what I will be doing in 5 years. Will I get married? Will I have babies? to: Am I doing enough for my family? Let me also mention I have control issues. I hate not being with my family, because I feel like I have some control when I'm with them. No, I do not want to control what they do, but I feel like I have control that I could be there in 5 minutes if they needed me. My worry used to be debilitating.
I was a senior year in high school when my inability to sleep really got started. My worry kept me awake at night. I was just so anxious about what the next year in college held for me. I'm also the type of person who does not function well on little sleep. But, when I lay in my bed for 8 hours, I'm really probably getting about 6 hours of sleep. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to bed. My mind starts reeling and I just can't turn it off. Over the last 3 years it's gotten a lot better, but it comes and goes. Right now, with finals and realizing I'll be student teaching in a few months and knowing I'll be in Athens all summer...I'm anxious. Add to that that there are some tough things going on with the people I love; I'm not sleeping. You can all see that by the fact that I'm writing on this blog at 1:30 in the morning. I'm usually in bed by midnight. My residents see me up past midnight and ask if I'm ok! My residents...another cause of my worry: did I do enough for them? Was I a good RA? Did I make a difference? Did I offer them each the individual support they needed? I just don't know. Needless to say I haven't been falling asleep until close to 3 am every night and then sleeping until noon. This has to stop before I got home for my 3 week break because two of my little chickadees like to come in my room around 8:30 saying "Toria are you awake?" Oh how I love my little Robby and Caroline (and Drew, Jacob, and Kristy and Luke's little one who hasn't joined us yet!)! Which leads to something else...
I follow the Tripp Halstead updates on Facebook. For those of you who don't know, Tripp Halstead is a two year old who, in October, was hit in the head with a tree limb while playing outside at daycare. It was a freak accident and left him severely brain damaged. Anyway, I was looking at their page and looked at the albums from before his accident. And I thought, "all they did was send their little boy to daycare like they do every other day." And I thought about the Sandy Hook tragedy, and those people just sent their children to school, something millions of people do on a daily basis. Things change in the blink of an eye. So why do I allow my worry to consume my thoughts so much that I can't live in the present? I frustrate myself so much by doing this.
My mom and my sisters tell a story about me from when I was little, before my dad died. I was a fearless child. Like most suburban neighborhoods, we have a pool down the street, and we spent almost every day during the summer at the pool. Well, when I was learning to swim I hated my floaties, but what kid doesn't? I wanted to be like my sisters and swim without help and in the deep end. So in the 2 seconds in which my family would turn around to put my floaties in the pool bag, I would run full speed ahead and throw myself into the pool (such an obedient child, clearly.). Needless to say I would give everyone a heart attack and someone would have to jump in after me and save me. I'm sure my family learned to anticipate this happening.
I would jump into those waters because I knew someone would save me. I knew that with help my head would pop back up out of the water. The water should have been scary, but I had no fear of it, I knew I would have help and no one would let anything bad happen to me. This leads me to my question: Why am I not like that with God? Trusting God is like standing on the edge of the pool, I say I run into those waters, but right as I get to the edge I hesitate. Why? Because it's scary- but jumping into that pool was scary. But I knew my family would save me. Well, the Bible teaches me that God will always save me. In fact, I've already been saved through Christ. But Satan tells me otherwise. He tells me that there are dangers in those waters. Satan tells me that God won't be there to save me. Yet I've seen throughout so many times in my life, especially in the last year, that God will never abandon me. He won't ever let me get to a point where I'm not capable of being saved. But it's hard. It's hard to dive into the deep end with God. So many aspects of this world tell me no.
As I watched the news today I saw coverage of the Boston bombers, and then learned that there was a shooting at the Houston airport. My heart breaks. And the only thought that came to my mind was, "this world needs Jesus." We live in a scary world, and our lives can change in an instant. And following God and jumping into the depths of his love and water is hard; it's scary, because sometimes He gives us answers we don't want, and sometimes He allows us to go through things so that He can refine us. But why am I so fearful all the time? I don't want the enemy to win my heart or my thoughts. I want God to.
I want to be fearless.
Do you?
Smile, God loves you!
"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
"Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more that food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6: 25-27
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Dear 16 year old me...
This post was inspired by a status one of my friends/SAO sisters posted on Facebook.
Dear 16-year-old me,
You're probably sitting in Coach Bettis's AP US History class with all of your friends. You got lucky with that class and have it with your best friends. You're embarrassed by your braces because you got them so late. You're the girl who had baby teeth until she was 15 and then had oral surgery. They had to pull an extra tooth, a permanent one, and now you have a gap in your teeth and you're mortified. You're worried about the SAT and where you'll go to college...but you have another year before you really have to start worrying about that. You're dancing 5 days a week at this point in time and super skinny, but you think you're fat. (Enjoy how thin you are- you won't ever be that small again!)
You're upset because you've never had a boyfriend or-gasp- never been kissed and it seems like the end of the world. Wait a year, and then you'll embark on a 2 and a half year journey with someone. He's the one you least expect. You will love him and he will love you back and you two will share wonderful times. He will teach you how to love someone who isn't a friend or family member. I won't tell you how it ends, because if I did you might not want to start that journey, but I promise you that you'll sit here almost a year after it does end and still do it all over again. Most importantly, you will have learned so much from that journey and the fall out, but we'll talk about that later.
I'm going to give you some advice: stop being so judgmental. People make mistakes, and you'll make some of the same mistakes you're judging others for, just a few years later. Mistakes are how we learn and grow. And beauty will arise out of those mistakes. Open your heart to those people you feel like judging- you never know what lies under the surface. Don't judge sorority girls...you just might become one someday...
College. That looming cloud that hangs above your head. It will be one of the most stressful processes. You'll be scared. Right now you think you're probably going to go to a small liberal arts school. Oh honey, just wait until you see where you end up. I'll give you a hint- you'll learn to love red and black, and your love for it will surprise you.
Your sisters will start having babies soon, and those little ones will save your life. They'll provide you with so many giggles, hugs, challenges, and happiness. They will light up your life and bring you so much joy.
Listen to Mom. 95% of the time, she's right. When she tells you to bring an umbrella, do it. When she tells you to wear a jacket, do it. Don't snap at her so much, she's not "dumb," she's actually incredibly intelligent. You'll miss those 30 minute one-way trips to the dance studio when it was just the two of you. Even though she makes you want to roll your eyes, there will be days in college where all you want is your Mommy to hold you. She teaches you what it looks like to be a mother. Embody her selflessness because she is extraordinary.
Those two best friends you have who sit in that AP US class with you, they'll be there after high school, so don't worry. And you'll add one more to the mix. Invest in them, because they will get you through so much. You will see each other through family deaths, broken hearts, late nights, and some really tough stuff, but your friendship will never change.
Spend more time with Grandpa. He's a pretty awesome guy and you can learn so much from him.
You're still sporting that fake smile. You forget about your problems from time to time, especially while you're dancing. You know how to laugh and giggle, but when you're alone the darkness creeps in. Someone will save you, a man actually. In fact, He died for you. His name is Jesus Christ. You believe in God, but you don't know Him. He will change your life, once you open your heart to Him. He's been intervening for a while, but now you'll know to call Him by name. He will guide you through college. He has a plan. He will allow you to go through some pretty horrible things. Walking with Him will not be easy. There will be tough days. You will flee from Him. You will still get lonely. You will reject Him as Peter did. There will be some pretty dark days, much darker than you can imagine. But He will place people in your life who will surprise you, and save you. You will learn to hear His voice. In fact, not only do you join a sorority, but a Christian sorority. At this point I know your jaw is on the floor, but fear not, He has overcome the world. You will learn how righteous He is. You'll even listen to and enjoy that "Jesus music." Be patient.
Life won't be easy. This is me writing at almost 21, and in 5 years more things will have happened than you can ever imagine, both good and bad. The skeletons in your closet will be revealed, but it'll be ok. Your love for writing won't ever change, so at least I can give you one constant in your life. Well, besides your family. Don't spend so much time in your room when they're home. Don't pick fights with your sisters, they will be your best friends. Mom, Courtney, Kristy, and Jackie, will always be the four most amazing and important women in your life.
Love more, complain less. Open your heart to the only One who will ever hold it. And listen to your mom
Smile, God loves you!
Dear 16-year-old me,
You're probably sitting in Coach Bettis's AP US History class with all of your friends. You got lucky with that class and have it with your best friends. You're embarrassed by your braces because you got them so late. You're the girl who had baby teeth until she was 15 and then had oral surgery. They had to pull an extra tooth, a permanent one, and now you have a gap in your teeth and you're mortified. You're worried about the SAT and where you'll go to college...but you have another year before you really have to start worrying about that. You're dancing 5 days a week at this point in time and super skinny, but you think you're fat. (Enjoy how thin you are- you won't ever be that small again!)
You're upset because you've never had a boyfriend or-gasp- never been kissed and it seems like the end of the world. Wait a year, and then you'll embark on a 2 and a half year journey with someone. He's the one you least expect. You will love him and he will love you back and you two will share wonderful times. He will teach you how to love someone who isn't a friend or family member. I won't tell you how it ends, because if I did you might not want to start that journey, but I promise you that you'll sit here almost a year after it does end and still do it all over again. Most importantly, you will have learned so much from that journey and the fall out, but we'll talk about that later.
I'm going to give you some advice: stop being so judgmental. People make mistakes, and you'll make some of the same mistakes you're judging others for, just a few years later. Mistakes are how we learn and grow. And beauty will arise out of those mistakes. Open your heart to those people you feel like judging- you never know what lies under the surface. Don't judge sorority girls...you just might become one someday...
College. That looming cloud that hangs above your head. It will be one of the most stressful processes. You'll be scared. Right now you think you're probably going to go to a small liberal arts school. Oh honey, just wait until you see where you end up. I'll give you a hint- you'll learn to love red and black, and your love for it will surprise you.
Your sisters will start having babies soon, and those little ones will save your life. They'll provide you with so many giggles, hugs, challenges, and happiness. They will light up your life and bring you so much joy.
Listen to Mom. 95% of the time, she's right. When she tells you to bring an umbrella, do it. When she tells you to wear a jacket, do it. Don't snap at her so much, she's not "dumb," she's actually incredibly intelligent. You'll miss those 30 minute one-way trips to the dance studio when it was just the two of you. Even though she makes you want to roll your eyes, there will be days in college where all you want is your Mommy to hold you. She teaches you what it looks like to be a mother. Embody her selflessness because she is extraordinary.
Those two best friends you have who sit in that AP US class with you, they'll be there after high school, so don't worry. And you'll add one more to the mix. Invest in them, because they will get you through so much. You will see each other through family deaths, broken hearts, late nights, and some really tough stuff, but your friendship will never change.
Spend more time with Grandpa. He's a pretty awesome guy and you can learn so much from him.
You're still sporting that fake smile. You forget about your problems from time to time, especially while you're dancing. You know how to laugh and giggle, but when you're alone the darkness creeps in. Someone will save you, a man actually. In fact, He died for you. His name is Jesus Christ. You believe in God, but you don't know Him. He will change your life, once you open your heart to Him. He's been intervening for a while, but now you'll know to call Him by name. He will guide you through college. He has a plan. He will allow you to go through some pretty horrible things. Walking with Him will not be easy. There will be tough days. You will flee from Him. You will still get lonely. You will reject Him as Peter did. There will be some pretty dark days, much darker than you can imagine. But He will place people in your life who will surprise you, and save you. You will learn to hear His voice. In fact, not only do you join a sorority, but a Christian sorority. At this point I know your jaw is on the floor, but fear not, He has overcome the world. You will learn how righteous He is. You'll even listen to and enjoy that "Jesus music." Be patient.
Life won't be easy. This is me writing at almost 21, and in 5 years more things will have happened than you can ever imagine, both good and bad. The skeletons in your closet will be revealed, but it'll be ok. Your love for writing won't ever change, so at least I can give you one constant in your life. Well, besides your family. Don't spend so much time in your room when they're home. Don't pick fights with your sisters, they will be your best friends. Mom, Courtney, Kristy, and Jackie, will always be the four most amazing and important women in your life.
Love more, complain less. Open your heart to the only One who will ever hold it. And listen to your mom
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Suicide.
It's something we don't talk about. It's something we look down upon. We pity those who've lost someone because of it. We question how anyone could have been so desperate to perform such an act. We step around it in conversation because we're too afraid to "go there."
I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to "go there" because I'm feeling moved to write this because someone may need to read these words. As I write this I'm praying God speaks straight through me and onto this computer screen.
I've been there. I've been so consumed by despair and loneliness that I thought about it and planned it. I came close. It was a night I was in Athens last summer with 3 of my friends and they went out and I stayed back with plans to pick them up around 2 am. I was alone and knew they'd be able to find someone else if I couldn't make it to go get them. My mom knew how desperate I was and spent an hour on the phone begging me to let her come get me. She told me I had to hold on because she needed me. I was her baby and she needed her baby- all of her babies. But I was in too deep. I had made so many mistakes. I had so many issues I hadn't dealt with for over 14 years. Feelings I'd repressed. Thoughts I'd pushed away. Events and emotions I swept under the rug. I'd make such bad mistakes I didn't think God could possibly love me anymore. I felt dirty from all of the emotions I'd had bottled up. I wanted to tear off my skin. There are not enough words to describe my misery. All around me people told me they needed me, but I was too far gone to listen. My friends had told me they needed me and how I'd touched their lives. But it didn't matter. None of it did. I wanted out. I felt worthless. I felt unloved (which was NOT true, but I couldn't see it). I didn't understand why God had given me so much hardship, so much rubble to make my way through. I couldn't hear Him or feel Him. And if God didn't want me or love me, what good was this life? I wanted out of this life. And I wanted it now.
We say suicide is a selfish thought. And in truth, it sort of is. But when you're in that darkness it seems like the only way out. Is it selfish to leave behind our family members asking "why?" and wondering what they could have done? Yes. But we are selfish beings. When I spent many nights in high school spending time with friends and my boyfriend instead of my family, that was selfish too. I do a lot of things that are selfish. And when you're in that place, you honestly and truthfully believe that the world would be better off without you. You don't think you're being selfish, but selfless. Because if people knew how hardened and darkened your heart was, they wouldn't love you or want you.
As I sat on the kitchen floor crying hysterically wanting to end my life on that summer night, I kept waiting for Jesus to come out from around the corner. And He didn't. I had been in a dark place once before when I was 16 and that's the night I was saved and found Jesus. But this time, I was in a much darker place. I was begging for God to tell me something to make it worth continuing with my life. Nothing. Nothing, just my own thoughts and emotions. And then, a little blue-eyed, blonde-haired face popped into my mind. Followed by a brown-eyed, light-haired face. And then a blue-eyed, light-haired face. How would my sisters explain that to those three little kids who meant the world to me? How would they explain it to the little ones that they would have one day? And I couldn't do it. I still feel convicted that Caroline will need me on day, so I hung on.
One of my SAO sisters told me something in August while we were praying together that really stuck with me- sometimes we come to a crossroads in life and ask God with road to take and all He says is "yes." He knows which path we will take, so we make a choice and know that as long as we cling to Him and our faith, we cannot go wrong.
That night, I chose life. And I'm so glad I did. And I know God is glad I did. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to my mom, or Grandpa, or my sisters. People have been touched by my story, and that is proof enough that God wants me here. My dream of writing a book and speaking to young women grows a little stronger each day, and I live for that. I live for the hope of teaching many students the love of Literature. I live for my incredible family. I live for the hope that someday I get married and have my own babies. I chose life.
So why don't we talk about it? Why is it so taboo? If we talked more about it, maybe we'd understand more. Maybe we'd judge less. Maybe we'd love more. Maybe we'd demonstrate more honesty. Maybe we'd tell people how we truly felt. Maybe we'd trust Him more.
If you're reading this and are struggling, know you're not alone. Know you are loved. And talk to me, honestly, you're not alone and I'd love to be that person for you. Truly.
Smile, God loves you!
I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to "go there" because I'm feeling moved to write this because someone may need to read these words. As I write this I'm praying God speaks straight through me and onto this computer screen.
I've been there. I've been so consumed by despair and loneliness that I thought about it and planned it. I came close. It was a night I was in Athens last summer with 3 of my friends and they went out and I stayed back with plans to pick them up around 2 am. I was alone and knew they'd be able to find someone else if I couldn't make it to go get them. My mom knew how desperate I was and spent an hour on the phone begging me to let her come get me. She told me I had to hold on because she needed me. I was her baby and she needed her baby- all of her babies. But I was in too deep. I had made so many mistakes. I had so many issues I hadn't dealt with for over 14 years. Feelings I'd repressed. Thoughts I'd pushed away. Events and emotions I swept under the rug. I'd make such bad mistakes I didn't think God could possibly love me anymore. I felt dirty from all of the emotions I'd had bottled up. I wanted to tear off my skin. There are not enough words to describe my misery. All around me people told me they needed me, but I was too far gone to listen. My friends had told me they needed me and how I'd touched their lives. But it didn't matter. None of it did. I wanted out. I felt worthless. I felt unloved (which was NOT true, but I couldn't see it). I didn't understand why God had given me so much hardship, so much rubble to make my way through. I couldn't hear Him or feel Him. And if God didn't want me or love me, what good was this life? I wanted out of this life. And I wanted it now.
We say suicide is a selfish thought. And in truth, it sort of is. But when you're in that darkness it seems like the only way out. Is it selfish to leave behind our family members asking "why?" and wondering what they could have done? Yes. But we are selfish beings. When I spent many nights in high school spending time with friends and my boyfriend instead of my family, that was selfish too. I do a lot of things that are selfish. And when you're in that place, you honestly and truthfully believe that the world would be better off without you. You don't think you're being selfish, but selfless. Because if people knew how hardened and darkened your heart was, they wouldn't love you or want you.
As I sat on the kitchen floor crying hysterically wanting to end my life on that summer night, I kept waiting for Jesus to come out from around the corner. And He didn't. I had been in a dark place once before when I was 16 and that's the night I was saved and found Jesus. But this time, I was in a much darker place. I was begging for God to tell me something to make it worth continuing with my life. Nothing. Nothing, just my own thoughts and emotions. And then, a little blue-eyed, blonde-haired face popped into my mind. Followed by a brown-eyed, light-haired face. And then a blue-eyed, light-haired face. How would my sisters explain that to those three little kids who meant the world to me? How would they explain it to the little ones that they would have one day? And I couldn't do it. I still feel convicted that Caroline will need me on day, so I hung on.
One of my SAO sisters told me something in August while we were praying together that really stuck with me- sometimes we come to a crossroads in life and ask God with road to take and all He says is "yes." He knows which path we will take, so we make a choice and know that as long as we cling to Him and our faith, we cannot go wrong.
That night, I chose life. And I'm so glad I did. And I know God is glad I did. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to my mom, or Grandpa, or my sisters. People have been touched by my story, and that is proof enough that God wants me here. My dream of writing a book and speaking to young women grows a little stronger each day, and I live for that. I live for the hope of teaching many students the love of Literature. I live for my incredible family. I live for the hope that someday I get married and have my own babies. I chose life.
So why don't we talk about it? Why is it so taboo? If we talked more about it, maybe we'd understand more. Maybe we'd judge less. Maybe we'd love more. Maybe we'd demonstrate more honesty. Maybe we'd tell people how we truly felt. Maybe we'd trust Him more.
If you're reading this and are struggling, know you're not alone. Know you are loved. And talk to me, honestly, you're not alone and I'd love to be that person for you. Truly.
Smile, God loves you!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Sweet Tooth
If you know me very well, you know I have quite the sweet tooth. I love chocolate, cake, cookies, key lime pie, candy, and ice cream. I can pretty much pinpoint the "birth" of my sweet tooth to being roughly 3 or 4 years old. Although my memories of my dad are fleeting and minimal at times, this is one that is extremely vivid. When I was little, I would "sneak" out of bed and find my dad in the family room with the Braves game on and a bowl of Breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream. Oh, and the ice cream was held in the one and only bowl that said, "Bob's ice cream bowl." It was bigger than your average bowl and could therefore hold a lot more of that sacred ice cream. Side note about the ice cream: my family doesn't like Breyer's ice cream, but we eat their mint chocolate chip. It's white; we don't eat the green kind. When I was in Chattanooga when little Jacob was born, the day before Jackie went in labor she asked Andrew to get her mint chocolate chip and at the same time we both specified that it had to be Breyer's. I digress. My dad would give me a bite of his ice cream and then he would take a bite, etc. And my sweet tooth was born.
Throughout high school I was always dancing, so having such a sweet tooth wasn't that big of a deal because I was able to maintain a nice physique. Well, let's be honest, I am far from that dancer body now. I've recently felt convicted about how I've been treating my body. God tells us our bodies are temples and sacred, and I was not treating it accordingly. Hence, I'm now on a diet and exercising to try to get that body back. But what is killing me right now? My dang sweet tooth. I just can't seem to stop eating sweets. I mean I can resist them but my sweet tooth got me to thinking...
Why don't I have a sweet tooth for the Lord?
At times I do, but if I'm honest I have to tell you that I haven't been good about quiet time since probably November. I come back from church and SAO events on fire for Him. But when it's just me and I could either spend 15 minutes with God or on Facebook, I usually choose Facebook. And that's bad. Really bad. When I was in the depths of my depression, I clung to that quiet time. It was what got me through the day: at the end of this day, I will get to spend time just me and God. But then things got better and I came out of this depression and my quiet times got fewer and farther between.
Living without God is like living without chocolate, or cake, or candy. And I LOVE those things. And I love God. But I'm really good at resisting Him or neglecting Him. And if you're all honest, I'm sure you are too. And, just like sugar, the more you get of God, the more you want of Him. I want God to be my mint chocolate chip ice cream-nothing will satisfy that sweet tooth except for that specific brand, and nothing will satisfy my spiritual sweet tooth except for undivided time with the Lord.
So I ask you, please help me strengthen my sweet tooth for the Lord, and I'll try to do that for you as well.
Smile, God loves you!
Throughout high school I was always dancing, so having such a sweet tooth wasn't that big of a deal because I was able to maintain a nice physique. Well, let's be honest, I am far from that dancer body now. I've recently felt convicted about how I've been treating my body. God tells us our bodies are temples and sacred, and I was not treating it accordingly. Hence, I'm now on a diet and exercising to try to get that body back. But what is killing me right now? My dang sweet tooth. I just can't seem to stop eating sweets. I mean I can resist them but my sweet tooth got me to thinking...
Why don't I have a sweet tooth for the Lord?
At times I do, but if I'm honest I have to tell you that I haven't been good about quiet time since probably November. I come back from church and SAO events on fire for Him. But when it's just me and I could either spend 15 minutes with God or on Facebook, I usually choose Facebook. And that's bad. Really bad. When I was in the depths of my depression, I clung to that quiet time. It was what got me through the day: at the end of this day, I will get to spend time just me and God. But then things got better and I came out of this depression and my quiet times got fewer and farther between.
Living without God is like living without chocolate, or cake, or candy. And I LOVE those things. And I love God. But I'm really good at resisting Him or neglecting Him. And if you're all honest, I'm sure you are too. And, just like sugar, the more you get of God, the more you want of Him. I want God to be my mint chocolate chip ice cream-nothing will satisfy that sweet tooth except for that specific brand, and nothing will satisfy my spiritual sweet tooth except for undivided time with the Lord.
So I ask you, please help me strengthen my sweet tooth for the Lord, and I'll try to do that for you as well.
Smile, God loves you!
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