Suicide.

It's something we don't talk about. It's something we look down upon. We pity those who've lost someone because of it. We question how anyone could have been so desperate to perform such an act. We step around it in conversation because we're too afraid to "go there."

I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to "go there" because I'm feeling moved to write this because someone may need to read these words. As I write this I'm praying God speaks straight through me and onto this computer screen. 

I've been there. I've been so consumed by despair and loneliness that I thought about it and planned it. I came close. It was a night I was in Athens last summer with 3 of my friends and they went out and I stayed back with plans to pick them up around 2 am. I was alone and knew they'd be able to find someone else if I couldn't make it to go get them. My mom knew how desperate I was and spent an hour on the phone begging me to let her come get me. She told me I had to hold on because she needed me. I was her baby and she needed her baby- all of her babies. But I was in too deep. I had made so many mistakes. I had so many issues I hadn't dealt with for over 14 years. Feelings I'd repressed. Thoughts I'd pushed away. Events and emotions I swept under the rug. I'd make such bad mistakes I didn't think God could possibly love me anymore. I felt dirty from all of the emotions I'd had bottled up. I wanted to tear off my skin. There are not enough words to describe my misery. All around me people told me they needed me, but I was too far gone to listen. My friends had told me they needed me and how I'd touched their lives. But it didn't matter. None of it did. I wanted out. I felt worthless. I felt unloved (which was NOT true, but I couldn't see it). I didn't understand why God had given me so much hardship, so much rubble to make my way through. I couldn't hear Him or feel Him. And if God didn't want me or love me, what good was this life? I wanted out of this life. And I wanted it now.

We say suicide is a selfish thought. And in truth, it sort of is. But when you're in that darkness it seems like the only way out. Is it selfish to leave behind our family members asking "why?" and wondering what they could have done? Yes. But we are selfish beings. When I spent many nights in high school spending time with friends and my boyfriend instead of my family, that was selfish too. I do a lot of things that are selfish. And when you're in that place, you honestly and truthfully believe that the world would be better off without you. You don't think you're being selfish, but selfless. Because if people knew how hardened and darkened your heart was, they wouldn't love you or want you.

As I sat on the kitchen floor crying hysterically wanting to end my life on that summer night, I kept waiting for Jesus to come out from around the corner. And He didn't. I had been in a dark place once before when I was 16 and that's the night I was saved and found Jesus. But this time, I was in a much darker place. I was begging for God to tell me something to make it worth continuing with my life. Nothing. Nothing, just my own thoughts and emotions. And then, a little blue-eyed, blonde-haired face popped into my mind. Followed by a brown-eyed, light-haired face. And then a blue-eyed, light-haired face. How would my sisters explain that to those three little kids who meant the world to me? How would they explain it to the little ones that they would have one day? And I couldn't do it. I still feel convicted that Caroline will need me on day, so I hung on. 

One of my SAO sisters told me something in August while we were praying together that really stuck with me- sometimes we come to a crossroads in life and ask God with road to take and all He says is "yes." He knows which path we will take, so we make a choice and know that as long as we cling to Him and our faith, we cannot go wrong.

That night, I chose life. And I'm so glad I did. And I know God is glad I did. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to my mom, or Grandpa, or my sisters. People have been touched by my story, and that is proof enough that God wants me here. My dream of writing a book and speaking to young women grows a little stronger each day, and I live for that. I live for the hope of teaching many students the love of Literature. I live for my incredible family. I live for the hope that someday I get married and have my own babies. I chose life.

So why don't we talk about it? Why is it so taboo? If we talked more about it, maybe we'd understand more. Maybe we'd judge less. Maybe we'd love more. Maybe we'd demonstrate more honesty. Maybe we'd tell people how we truly felt. Maybe we'd trust Him more. 

If you're reading this and are struggling, know you're not alone. Know you are loved. And talk to me, honestly, you're not alone and I'd love to be that person for you. Truly.

Smile, God loves you!