Yes this is my second post this week, but I write when I need to calm myself down.
I'm a worry wart. This, too, manifested itself as a part of my life after my dad died. It's something I really don't like about myself. It's a daily struggle for me. I worry about where I'll be tomorrow. I worry about what I will be doing in 5 years. Will I get married? Will I have babies? to: Am I doing enough for my family? Let me also mention I have control issues. I hate not being with my family, because I feel like I have some control when I'm with them. No, I do not want to control what they do, but I feel like I have control that I could be there in 5 minutes if they needed me. My worry used to be debilitating.
I was a senior year in high school when my inability to sleep really got started. My worry kept me awake at night. I was just so anxious about what the next year in college held for me. I'm also the type of person who does not function well on little sleep. But, when I lay in my bed for 8 hours, I'm really probably getting about 6 hours of sleep. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to bed. My mind starts reeling and I just can't turn it off. Over the last 3 years it's gotten a lot better, but it comes and goes. Right now, with finals and realizing I'll be student teaching in a few months and knowing I'll be in Athens all summer...I'm anxious. Add to that that there are some tough things going on with the people I love; I'm not sleeping. You can all see that by the fact that I'm writing on this blog at 1:30 in the morning. I'm usually in bed by midnight. My residents see me up past midnight and ask if I'm ok! My residents...another cause of my worry: did I do enough for them? Was I a good RA? Did I make a difference? Did I offer them each the individual support they needed? I just don't know. Needless to say I haven't been falling asleep until close to 3 am every night and then sleeping until noon. This has to stop before I got home for my 3 week break because two of my little chickadees like to come in my room around 8:30 saying "Toria are you awake?" Oh how I love my little Robby and Caroline (and Drew, Jacob, and Kristy and Luke's little one who hasn't joined us yet!)! Which leads to something else...
I follow the Tripp Halstead updates on Facebook. For those of you who don't know, Tripp Halstead is a two year old who, in October, was hit in the head with a tree limb while playing outside at daycare. It was a freak accident and left him severely brain damaged. Anyway, I was looking at their page and looked at the albums from before his accident. And I thought, "all they did was send their little boy to daycare like they do every other day." And I thought about the Sandy Hook tragedy, and those people just sent their children to school, something millions of people do on a daily basis. Things change in the blink of an eye. So why do I allow my worry to consume my thoughts so much that I can't live in the present? I frustrate myself so much by doing this.
My mom and my sisters tell a story about me from when I was little, before my dad died. I was a fearless child. Like most suburban neighborhoods, we have a pool down the street, and we spent almost every day during the summer at the pool. Well, when I was learning to swim I hated my floaties, but what kid doesn't? I wanted to be like my sisters and swim without help and in the deep end. So in the 2 seconds in which my family would turn around to put my floaties in the pool bag, I would run full speed ahead and throw myself into the pool (such an obedient child, clearly.). Needless to say I would give everyone a heart attack and someone would have to jump in after me and save me. I'm sure my family learned to anticipate this happening.
I would jump into those waters because I knew someone would save me. I knew that with help my head would pop back up out of the water. The water should have been scary, but I had no fear of it, I knew I would have help and no one would let anything bad happen to me. This leads me to my question: Why am I not like that with God? Trusting God is like standing on the edge of the pool, I say I run into those waters, but right as I get to the edge I hesitate. Why? Because it's scary- but jumping into that pool was scary. But I knew my family would save me. Well, the Bible teaches me that God will always save me. In fact, I've already been saved through Christ. But Satan tells me otherwise. He tells me that there are dangers in those waters. Satan tells me that God won't be there to save me. Yet I've seen throughout so many times in my life, especially in the last year, that God will never abandon me. He won't ever let me get to a point where I'm not capable of being saved. But it's hard. It's hard to dive into the deep end with God. So many aspects of this world tell me no.
As I watched the news today I saw coverage of the Boston bombers, and then learned that there was a shooting at the Houston airport. My heart breaks. And the only thought that came to my mind was, "this world needs Jesus." We live in a scary world, and our lives can change in an instant. And following God and jumping into the depths of his love and water is hard; it's scary, because sometimes He gives us answers we don't want, and sometimes He allows us to go through things so that He can refine us. But why am I so fearful all the time? I don't want the enemy to win my heart or my thoughts. I want God to.
I want to be fearless.
Do you?
Smile, God loves you!
"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
"Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more that food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6: 25-27
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Dear 16 year old me...
This post was inspired by a status one of my friends/SAO sisters posted on Facebook.
Dear 16-year-old me,
You're probably sitting in Coach Bettis's AP US History class with all of your friends. You got lucky with that class and have it with your best friends. You're embarrassed by your braces because you got them so late. You're the girl who had baby teeth until she was 15 and then had oral surgery. They had to pull an extra tooth, a permanent one, and now you have a gap in your teeth and you're mortified. You're worried about the SAT and where you'll go to college...but you have another year before you really have to start worrying about that. You're dancing 5 days a week at this point in time and super skinny, but you think you're fat. (Enjoy how thin you are- you won't ever be that small again!)
You're upset because you've never had a boyfriend or-gasp- never been kissed and it seems like the end of the world. Wait a year, and then you'll embark on a 2 and a half year journey with someone. He's the one you least expect. You will love him and he will love you back and you two will share wonderful times. He will teach you how to love someone who isn't a friend or family member. I won't tell you how it ends, because if I did you might not want to start that journey, but I promise you that you'll sit here almost a year after it does end and still do it all over again. Most importantly, you will have learned so much from that journey and the fall out, but we'll talk about that later.
I'm going to give you some advice: stop being so judgmental. People make mistakes, and you'll make some of the same mistakes you're judging others for, just a few years later. Mistakes are how we learn and grow. And beauty will arise out of those mistakes. Open your heart to those people you feel like judging- you never know what lies under the surface. Don't judge sorority girls...you just might become one someday...
College. That looming cloud that hangs above your head. It will be one of the most stressful processes. You'll be scared. Right now you think you're probably going to go to a small liberal arts school. Oh honey, just wait until you see where you end up. I'll give you a hint- you'll learn to love red and black, and your love for it will surprise you.
Your sisters will start having babies soon, and those little ones will save your life. They'll provide you with so many giggles, hugs, challenges, and happiness. They will light up your life and bring you so much joy.
Listen to Mom. 95% of the time, she's right. When she tells you to bring an umbrella, do it. When she tells you to wear a jacket, do it. Don't snap at her so much, she's not "dumb," she's actually incredibly intelligent. You'll miss those 30 minute one-way trips to the dance studio when it was just the two of you. Even though she makes you want to roll your eyes, there will be days in college where all you want is your Mommy to hold you. She teaches you what it looks like to be a mother. Embody her selflessness because she is extraordinary.
Those two best friends you have who sit in that AP US class with you, they'll be there after high school, so don't worry. And you'll add one more to the mix. Invest in them, because they will get you through so much. You will see each other through family deaths, broken hearts, late nights, and some really tough stuff, but your friendship will never change.
Spend more time with Grandpa. He's a pretty awesome guy and you can learn so much from him.
You're still sporting that fake smile. You forget about your problems from time to time, especially while you're dancing. You know how to laugh and giggle, but when you're alone the darkness creeps in. Someone will save you, a man actually. In fact, He died for you. His name is Jesus Christ. You believe in God, but you don't know Him. He will change your life, once you open your heart to Him. He's been intervening for a while, but now you'll know to call Him by name. He will guide you through college. He has a plan. He will allow you to go through some pretty horrible things. Walking with Him will not be easy. There will be tough days. You will flee from Him. You will still get lonely. You will reject Him as Peter did. There will be some pretty dark days, much darker than you can imagine. But He will place people in your life who will surprise you, and save you. You will learn to hear His voice. In fact, not only do you join a sorority, but a Christian sorority. At this point I know your jaw is on the floor, but fear not, He has overcome the world. You will learn how righteous He is. You'll even listen to and enjoy that "Jesus music." Be patient.
Life won't be easy. This is me writing at almost 21, and in 5 years more things will have happened than you can ever imagine, both good and bad. The skeletons in your closet will be revealed, but it'll be ok. Your love for writing won't ever change, so at least I can give you one constant in your life. Well, besides your family. Don't spend so much time in your room when they're home. Don't pick fights with your sisters, they will be your best friends. Mom, Courtney, Kristy, and Jackie, will always be the four most amazing and important women in your life.
Love more, complain less. Open your heart to the only One who will ever hold it. And listen to your mom
Smile, God loves you!
Dear 16-year-old me,
You're probably sitting in Coach Bettis's AP US History class with all of your friends. You got lucky with that class and have it with your best friends. You're embarrassed by your braces because you got them so late. You're the girl who had baby teeth until she was 15 and then had oral surgery. They had to pull an extra tooth, a permanent one, and now you have a gap in your teeth and you're mortified. You're worried about the SAT and where you'll go to college...but you have another year before you really have to start worrying about that. You're dancing 5 days a week at this point in time and super skinny, but you think you're fat. (Enjoy how thin you are- you won't ever be that small again!)
You're upset because you've never had a boyfriend or-gasp- never been kissed and it seems like the end of the world. Wait a year, and then you'll embark on a 2 and a half year journey with someone. He's the one you least expect. You will love him and he will love you back and you two will share wonderful times. He will teach you how to love someone who isn't a friend or family member. I won't tell you how it ends, because if I did you might not want to start that journey, but I promise you that you'll sit here almost a year after it does end and still do it all over again. Most importantly, you will have learned so much from that journey and the fall out, but we'll talk about that later.
I'm going to give you some advice: stop being so judgmental. People make mistakes, and you'll make some of the same mistakes you're judging others for, just a few years later. Mistakes are how we learn and grow. And beauty will arise out of those mistakes. Open your heart to those people you feel like judging- you never know what lies under the surface. Don't judge sorority girls...you just might become one someday...
College. That looming cloud that hangs above your head. It will be one of the most stressful processes. You'll be scared. Right now you think you're probably going to go to a small liberal arts school. Oh honey, just wait until you see where you end up. I'll give you a hint- you'll learn to love red and black, and your love for it will surprise you.
Your sisters will start having babies soon, and those little ones will save your life. They'll provide you with so many giggles, hugs, challenges, and happiness. They will light up your life and bring you so much joy.
Listen to Mom. 95% of the time, she's right. When she tells you to bring an umbrella, do it. When she tells you to wear a jacket, do it. Don't snap at her so much, she's not "dumb," she's actually incredibly intelligent. You'll miss those 30 minute one-way trips to the dance studio when it was just the two of you. Even though she makes you want to roll your eyes, there will be days in college where all you want is your Mommy to hold you. She teaches you what it looks like to be a mother. Embody her selflessness because she is extraordinary.
Those two best friends you have who sit in that AP US class with you, they'll be there after high school, so don't worry. And you'll add one more to the mix. Invest in them, because they will get you through so much. You will see each other through family deaths, broken hearts, late nights, and some really tough stuff, but your friendship will never change.
Spend more time with Grandpa. He's a pretty awesome guy and you can learn so much from him.
You're still sporting that fake smile. You forget about your problems from time to time, especially while you're dancing. You know how to laugh and giggle, but when you're alone the darkness creeps in. Someone will save you, a man actually. In fact, He died for you. His name is Jesus Christ. You believe in God, but you don't know Him. He will change your life, once you open your heart to Him. He's been intervening for a while, but now you'll know to call Him by name. He will guide you through college. He has a plan. He will allow you to go through some pretty horrible things. Walking with Him will not be easy. There will be tough days. You will flee from Him. You will still get lonely. You will reject Him as Peter did. There will be some pretty dark days, much darker than you can imagine. But He will place people in your life who will surprise you, and save you. You will learn to hear His voice. In fact, not only do you join a sorority, but a Christian sorority. At this point I know your jaw is on the floor, but fear not, He has overcome the world. You will learn how righteous He is. You'll even listen to and enjoy that "Jesus music." Be patient.
Life won't be easy. This is me writing at almost 21, and in 5 years more things will have happened than you can ever imagine, both good and bad. The skeletons in your closet will be revealed, but it'll be ok. Your love for writing won't ever change, so at least I can give you one constant in your life. Well, besides your family. Don't spend so much time in your room when they're home. Don't pick fights with your sisters, they will be your best friends. Mom, Courtney, Kristy, and Jackie, will always be the four most amazing and important women in your life.
Love more, complain less. Open your heart to the only One who will ever hold it. And listen to your mom
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Suicide.
It's something we don't talk about. It's something we look down upon. We pity those who've lost someone because of it. We question how anyone could have been so desperate to perform such an act. We step around it in conversation because we're too afraid to "go there."
I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to "go there" because I'm feeling moved to write this because someone may need to read these words. As I write this I'm praying God speaks straight through me and onto this computer screen.
I've been there. I've been so consumed by despair and loneliness that I thought about it and planned it. I came close. It was a night I was in Athens last summer with 3 of my friends and they went out and I stayed back with plans to pick them up around 2 am. I was alone and knew they'd be able to find someone else if I couldn't make it to go get them. My mom knew how desperate I was and spent an hour on the phone begging me to let her come get me. She told me I had to hold on because she needed me. I was her baby and she needed her baby- all of her babies. But I was in too deep. I had made so many mistakes. I had so many issues I hadn't dealt with for over 14 years. Feelings I'd repressed. Thoughts I'd pushed away. Events and emotions I swept under the rug. I'd make such bad mistakes I didn't think God could possibly love me anymore. I felt dirty from all of the emotions I'd had bottled up. I wanted to tear off my skin. There are not enough words to describe my misery. All around me people told me they needed me, but I was too far gone to listen. My friends had told me they needed me and how I'd touched their lives. But it didn't matter. None of it did. I wanted out. I felt worthless. I felt unloved (which was NOT true, but I couldn't see it). I didn't understand why God had given me so much hardship, so much rubble to make my way through. I couldn't hear Him or feel Him. And if God didn't want me or love me, what good was this life? I wanted out of this life. And I wanted it now.
We say suicide is a selfish thought. And in truth, it sort of is. But when you're in that darkness it seems like the only way out. Is it selfish to leave behind our family members asking "why?" and wondering what they could have done? Yes. But we are selfish beings. When I spent many nights in high school spending time with friends and my boyfriend instead of my family, that was selfish too. I do a lot of things that are selfish. And when you're in that place, you honestly and truthfully believe that the world would be better off without you. You don't think you're being selfish, but selfless. Because if people knew how hardened and darkened your heart was, they wouldn't love you or want you.
As I sat on the kitchen floor crying hysterically wanting to end my life on that summer night, I kept waiting for Jesus to come out from around the corner. And He didn't. I had been in a dark place once before when I was 16 and that's the night I was saved and found Jesus. But this time, I was in a much darker place. I was begging for God to tell me something to make it worth continuing with my life. Nothing. Nothing, just my own thoughts and emotions. And then, a little blue-eyed, blonde-haired face popped into my mind. Followed by a brown-eyed, light-haired face. And then a blue-eyed, light-haired face. How would my sisters explain that to those three little kids who meant the world to me? How would they explain it to the little ones that they would have one day? And I couldn't do it. I still feel convicted that Caroline will need me on day, so I hung on.
One of my SAO sisters told me something in August while we were praying together that really stuck with me- sometimes we come to a crossroads in life and ask God with road to take and all He says is "yes." He knows which path we will take, so we make a choice and know that as long as we cling to Him and our faith, we cannot go wrong.
That night, I chose life. And I'm so glad I did. And I know God is glad I did. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to my mom, or Grandpa, or my sisters. People have been touched by my story, and that is proof enough that God wants me here. My dream of writing a book and speaking to young women grows a little stronger each day, and I live for that. I live for the hope of teaching many students the love of Literature. I live for my incredible family. I live for the hope that someday I get married and have my own babies. I chose life.
So why don't we talk about it? Why is it so taboo? If we talked more about it, maybe we'd understand more. Maybe we'd judge less. Maybe we'd love more. Maybe we'd demonstrate more honesty. Maybe we'd tell people how we truly felt. Maybe we'd trust Him more.
If you're reading this and are struggling, know you're not alone. Know you are loved. And talk to me, honestly, you're not alone and I'd love to be that person for you. Truly.
Smile, God loves you!
I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to "go there" because I'm feeling moved to write this because someone may need to read these words. As I write this I'm praying God speaks straight through me and onto this computer screen.
I've been there. I've been so consumed by despair and loneliness that I thought about it and planned it. I came close. It was a night I was in Athens last summer with 3 of my friends and they went out and I stayed back with plans to pick them up around 2 am. I was alone and knew they'd be able to find someone else if I couldn't make it to go get them. My mom knew how desperate I was and spent an hour on the phone begging me to let her come get me. She told me I had to hold on because she needed me. I was her baby and she needed her baby- all of her babies. But I was in too deep. I had made so many mistakes. I had so many issues I hadn't dealt with for over 14 years. Feelings I'd repressed. Thoughts I'd pushed away. Events and emotions I swept under the rug. I'd make such bad mistakes I didn't think God could possibly love me anymore. I felt dirty from all of the emotions I'd had bottled up. I wanted to tear off my skin. There are not enough words to describe my misery. All around me people told me they needed me, but I was too far gone to listen. My friends had told me they needed me and how I'd touched their lives. But it didn't matter. None of it did. I wanted out. I felt worthless. I felt unloved (which was NOT true, but I couldn't see it). I didn't understand why God had given me so much hardship, so much rubble to make my way through. I couldn't hear Him or feel Him. And if God didn't want me or love me, what good was this life? I wanted out of this life. And I wanted it now.
We say suicide is a selfish thought. And in truth, it sort of is. But when you're in that darkness it seems like the only way out. Is it selfish to leave behind our family members asking "why?" and wondering what they could have done? Yes. But we are selfish beings. When I spent many nights in high school spending time with friends and my boyfriend instead of my family, that was selfish too. I do a lot of things that are selfish. And when you're in that place, you honestly and truthfully believe that the world would be better off without you. You don't think you're being selfish, but selfless. Because if people knew how hardened and darkened your heart was, they wouldn't love you or want you.
As I sat on the kitchen floor crying hysterically wanting to end my life on that summer night, I kept waiting for Jesus to come out from around the corner. And He didn't. I had been in a dark place once before when I was 16 and that's the night I was saved and found Jesus. But this time, I was in a much darker place. I was begging for God to tell me something to make it worth continuing with my life. Nothing. Nothing, just my own thoughts and emotions. And then, a little blue-eyed, blonde-haired face popped into my mind. Followed by a brown-eyed, light-haired face. And then a blue-eyed, light-haired face. How would my sisters explain that to those three little kids who meant the world to me? How would they explain it to the little ones that they would have one day? And I couldn't do it. I still feel convicted that Caroline will need me on day, so I hung on.
One of my SAO sisters told me something in August while we were praying together that really stuck with me- sometimes we come to a crossroads in life and ask God with road to take and all He says is "yes." He knows which path we will take, so we make a choice and know that as long as we cling to Him and our faith, we cannot go wrong.
That night, I chose life. And I'm so glad I did. And I know God is glad I did. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to my mom, or Grandpa, or my sisters. People have been touched by my story, and that is proof enough that God wants me here. My dream of writing a book and speaking to young women grows a little stronger each day, and I live for that. I live for the hope of teaching many students the love of Literature. I live for my incredible family. I live for the hope that someday I get married and have my own babies. I chose life.
So why don't we talk about it? Why is it so taboo? If we talked more about it, maybe we'd understand more. Maybe we'd judge less. Maybe we'd love more. Maybe we'd demonstrate more honesty. Maybe we'd tell people how we truly felt. Maybe we'd trust Him more.
If you're reading this and are struggling, know you're not alone. Know you are loved. And talk to me, honestly, you're not alone and I'd love to be that person for you. Truly.
Smile, God loves you!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Sweet Tooth
If you know me very well, you know I have quite the sweet tooth. I love chocolate, cake, cookies, key lime pie, candy, and ice cream. I can pretty much pinpoint the "birth" of my sweet tooth to being roughly 3 or 4 years old. Although my memories of my dad are fleeting and minimal at times, this is one that is extremely vivid. When I was little, I would "sneak" out of bed and find my dad in the family room with the Braves game on and a bowl of Breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream. Oh, and the ice cream was held in the one and only bowl that said, "Bob's ice cream bowl." It was bigger than your average bowl and could therefore hold a lot more of that sacred ice cream. Side note about the ice cream: my family doesn't like Breyer's ice cream, but we eat their mint chocolate chip. It's white; we don't eat the green kind. When I was in Chattanooga when little Jacob was born, the day before Jackie went in labor she asked Andrew to get her mint chocolate chip and at the same time we both specified that it had to be Breyer's. I digress. My dad would give me a bite of his ice cream and then he would take a bite, etc. And my sweet tooth was born.
Throughout high school I was always dancing, so having such a sweet tooth wasn't that big of a deal because I was able to maintain a nice physique. Well, let's be honest, I am far from that dancer body now. I've recently felt convicted about how I've been treating my body. God tells us our bodies are temples and sacred, and I was not treating it accordingly. Hence, I'm now on a diet and exercising to try to get that body back. But what is killing me right now? My dang sweet tooth. I just can't seem to stop eating sweets. I mean I can resist them but my sweet tooth got me to thinking...
Why don't I have a sweet tooth for the Lord?
At times I do, but if I'm honest I have to tell you that I haven't been good about quiet time since probably November. I come back from church and SAO events on fire for Him. But when it's just me and I could either spend 15 minutes with God or on Facebook, I usually choose Facebook. And that's bad. Really bad. When I was in the depths of my depression, I clung to that quiet time. It was what got me through the day: at the end of this day, I will get to spend time just me and God. But then things got better and I came out of this depression and my quiet times got fewer and farther between.
Living without God is like living without chocolate, or cake, or candy. And I LOVE those things. And I love God. But I'm really good at resisting Him or neglecting Him. And if you're all honest, I'm sure you are too. And, just like sugar, the more you get of God, the more you want of Him. I want God to be my mint chocolate chip ice cream-nothing will satisfy that sweet tooth except for that specific brand, and nothing will satisfy my spiritual sweet tooth except for undivided time with the Lord.
So I ask you, please help me strengthen my sweet tooth for the Lord, and I'll try to do that for you as well.
Smile, God loves you!
Throughout high school I was always dancing, so having such a sweet tooth wasn't that big of a deal because I was able to maintain a nice physique. Well, let's be honest, I am far from that dancer body now. I've recently felt convicted about how I've been treating my body. God tells us our bodies are temples and sacred, and I was not treating it accordingly. Hence, I'm now on a diet and exercising to try to get that body back. But what is killing me right now? My dang sweet tooth. I just can't seem to stop eating sweets. I mean I can resist them but my sweet tooth got me to thinking...
Why don't I have a sweet tooth for the Lord?
At times I do, but if I'm honest I have to tell you that I haven't been good about quiet time since probably November. I come back from church and SAO events on fire for Him. But when it's just me and I could either spend 15 minutes with God or on Facebook, I usually choose Facebook. And that's bad. Really bad. When I was in the depths of my depression, I clung to that quiet time. It was what got me through the day: at the end of this day, I will get to spend time just me and God. But then things got better and I came out of this depression and my quiet times got fewer and farther between.
Living without God is like living without chocolate, or cake, or candy. And I LOVE those things. And I love God. But I'm really good at resisting Him or neglecting Him. And if you're all honest, I'm sure you are too. And, just like sugar, the more you get of God, the more you want of Him. I want God to be my mint chocolate chip ice cream-nothing will satisfy that sweet tooth except for that specific brand, and nothing will satisfy my spiritual sweet tooth except for undivided time with the Lord.
So I ask you, please help me strengthen my sweet tooth for the Lord, and I'll try to do that for you as well.
Smile, God loves you!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Brokenness
Merriam Webster defines the word "broken" as "violently shattered into parts; damaged or altered by breaking." As Christians, we often talk about this word "brokenness," but what does it really mean? What do we actually mean when we speak of brokenness? Essentially, we're referring to sin and its cyclical nature.
I have been broken before, and I think it had a snowball effect as I broke. It started with my dad's death, continued with my grandma's death, grew with my anxiety disorder, grew in friendships I lost, and grew with the breakup I went through over the summer, and came to a giant size when I came to terms with the many mistakes I made in my past. Finally, it came to the point where this snowball of my anxiety, grief, and sin was thrown to the ground, and it burst, as snowballs tend to do. I, in essence, was violently shattered into parts.
I had been suppressing my brokenness for many years, despite the counseling I had been through. I invested the brokenness in my relationships with people, staying busy, and telling myself I was "fine." Well then I got to the point where everything was shattered and I was broken and felt like my life had fallen into a million little pieces and some pieces were so small I'd never find them and put them back into place. For awhile that really bothered me, but it doesn't anymore, because for every empty space I have, God fills it, well He overflows it really. In my brokenness I realized how little I admitted things about losing my dad and grandma and the feelings I truly felt in my anxiety: I have some serious trust issues, I have a fear of not being in control of people and being with them at all times, it's hard for me to accept change, I lack forgiveness of myself, sometimes I love people too deeply too quickly and too easily, I'm often dishonest when people ask me how I truly feel, and I'm prone to sweep things under the rug. Well, if you've ever reached a point of such brokenness, you know how difficult it is to admit those things to yourself. The thought of admitting them to others is terrifying.
But I've been there. I've been at the bottom of a deep pit. I've known what it's like to have dark thoughts you'd rather not admit. I've had the feeling that I'm sinking so far underwater that no one can rescue me. I've wanted to give up. I've felt like there is no end in sight. And it's scary. It's scary to be in that place. I've felt so broken to the point that not even God could reach me. In my darkest days I couldn't feel Him. I prayed so hard and shed so many tears and felt nothing in return from Him. When I had those dark thoughts I expected Him to rescue me quickly and with urgency, and He didn't. But in all of that I realized He was being more faithful than ever. He had not forsaken me, but He gave me a choice. I could choose to continue to cling to Him knowing that salvation would come, or I could give up and make another, much darker choice. I chose Him. James 1:2-4 tells us "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." God tells us, not only in this verse, but many times in the Bible that we will face trials (thanks to good old Eve for taking that forbidden fruit). But the glory is that we will be rewarded for our faithfulness and perseverance.
We also aren't alone in our struggles. SAO's exec board decided to share our testimonies with sisters this semester. We've talked a lot about being vulnerable but how can we ask sisters to be vulnerable among each other and us if we aren't vulnerable with them? The answer is: we can't. I've been told I have a powerful testimony, and I do not wish to say that to boast, because I would not wish some of the things I've been through on my worst enemy. I say it to bring light to His goodness because of the incredible ways He's changed my heart and used my testimony to further His kingdom. He uses every testimony to the betterment of His kingdom, big or small. Anyway, there was some serious spiritual warfare that went on. I had dreams that my sisters laughed at me and walked out. I had a girls' night with one of my best friends from high school, Megan, and ended up crying hysterically for what seemed like no reason. Satan told me I should not, could not share my testimony because it would not be well received and would do harm and not good. Well, it did just the opposite. Exec sharing testimonies has opened doors with sisters and made it possible for anyone and everyone to come forward with their struggles if they choose to do so.
When we choose God, Satan loses in our brokenness. Satan rejoices when we are broken, and he wins a heart when we choose dark thoughts over Jesus. I can't say that on that dark night this summer when I chose Jesus that it got easy right away. It didn't. I cried for many nights, I doubted His goodness, I tried to give up my faith for a day, and dark days lay ahead for me. But now, almost a year (has it really been that long?) later, I have been victorious through Him. After all, that's what my name means, victory through faith (Victoria Faith). I know that the dark days aren't over, but I know that God is always light and He is always goodness.
I heard a song on the radio the other day that I've heard hundreds of times, but it really hit me. It's called "Blessings" by Laura Story, and in it she says
I have been broken before, and I think it had a snowball effect as I broke. It started with my dad's death, continued with my grandma's death, grew with my anxiety disorder, grew in friendships I lost, and grew with the breakup I went through over the summer, and came to a giant size when I came to terms with the many mistakes I made in my past. Finally, it came to the point where this snowball of my anxiety, grief, and sin was thrown to the ground, and it burst, as snowballs tend to do. I, in essence, was violently shattered into parts.
I had been suppressing my brokenness for many years, despite the counseling I had been through. I invested the brokenness in my relationships with people, staying busy, and telling myself I was "fine." Well then I got to the point where everything was shattered and I was broken and felt like my life had fallen into a million little pieces and some pieces were so small I'd never find them and put them back into place. For awhile that really bothered me, but it doesn't anymore, because for every empty space I have, God fills it, well He overflows it really. In my brokenness I realized how little I admitted things about losing my dad and grandma and the feelings I truly felt in my anxiety: I have some serious trust issues, I have a fear of not being in control of people and being with them at all times, it's hard for me to accept change, I lack forgiveness of myself, sometimes I love people too deeply too quickly and too easily, I'm often dishonest when people ask me how I truly feel, and I'm prone to sweep things under the rug. Well, if you've ever reached a point of such brokenness, you know how difficult it is to admit those things to yourself. The thought of admitting them to others is terrifying.
But I've been there. I've been at the bottom of a deep pit. I've known what it's like to have dark thoughts you'd rather not admit. I've had the feeling that I'm sinking so far underwater that no one can rescue me. I've wanted to give up. I've felt like there is no end in sight. And it's scary. It's scary to be in that place. I've felt so broken to the point that not even God could reach me. In my darkest days I couldn't feel Him. I prayed so hard and shed so many tears and felt nothing in return from Him. When I had those dark thoughts I expected Him to rescue me quickly and with urgency, and He didn't. But in all of that I realized He was being more faithful than ever. He had not forsaken me, but He gave me a choice. I could choose to continue to cling to Him knowing that salvation would come, or I could give up and make another, much darker choice. I chose Him. James 1:2-4 tells us "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." God tells us, not only in this verse, but many times in the Bible that we will face trials (thanks to good old Eve for taking that forbidden fruit). But the glory is that we will be rewarded for our faithfulness and perseverance.
We also aren't alone in our struggles. SAO's exec board decided to share our testimonies with sisters this semester. We've talked a lot about being vulnerable but how can we ask sisters to be vulnerable among each other and us if we aren't vulnerable with them? The answer is: we can't. I've been told I have a powerful testimony, and I do not wish to say that to boast, because I would not wish some of the things I've been through on my worst enemy. I say it to bring light to His goodness because of the incredible ways He's changed my heart and used my testimony to further His kingdom. He uses every testimony to the betterment of His kingdom, big or small. Anyway, there was some serious spiritual warfare that went on. I had dreams that my sisters laughed at me and walked out. I had a girls' night with one of my best friends from high school, Megan, and ended up crying hysterically for what seemed like no reason. Satan told me I should not, could not share my testimony because it would not be well received and would do harm and not good. Well, it did just the opposite. Exec sharing testimonies has opened doors with sisters and made it possible for anyone and everyone to come forward with their struggles if they choose to do so.
When we choose God, Satan loses in our brokenness. Satan rejoices when we are broken, and he wins a heart when we choose dark thoughts over Jesus. I can't say that on that dark night this summer when I chose Jesus that it got easy right away. It didn't. I cried for many nights, I doubted His goodness, I tried to give up my faith for a day, and dark days lay ahead for me. But now, almost a year (has it really been that long?) later, I have been victorious through Him. After all, that's what my name means, victory through faith (Victoria Faith). I know that the dark days aren't over, but I know that God is always light and He is always goodness.
I heard a song on the radio the other day that I've heard hundreds of times, but it really hit me. It's called "Blessings" by Laura Story, and in it she says
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
I thought, "dang, that has been my life lately." Every trial of this life has lead me to goodness. Every time I've thought God had let me down He really just had something better in mind. He has shown me mercy, goodness, faithfulness, and love that I never thought possible. He has done things in my life I never imagined. And He has changed my heart in ways I never thought possible, and all of this because I chose Him over darkness. Brokenness is a mercy in disguise, and for that we have much to rejoice in!
Smile, God loves you!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Sigma Alpha Omega
As I reflect on formal last night, my heart swells with love for my sisters. Now, if you know me, you know I'm not quite the "sorority girl" type. And let me say, from having so many friends in Panhellenic sororities, that stigma is only true about 15% of the time. Anyway, I never thought I'd join a sorority in college. Like ever. Having 3 sisters I always said I grew up in a sorority house and never would join one in college. However, when people first met me and I tell them I'm in a Christian sorority and didn't go through Panhellenic Recruitment, they're surprised. And honestly, I think people on peg me as a "sorority girl" because of my hair, but oh well. Anyway, as I've stated on here previously, I didn't want to come to UGA. And those first few weeks at school were rough. SAO just seemed to fall from the sky and into my lap, but let's be real, we know it was sent straight from God.
My friend, Robin, told me about SAO and said we should go to an event during their recruitment. Please also keep in mind that at this time I wasn't totally sure about my faith. I had been saved and believed in Jesus as Lord, but I didn't really talk about it and I didn't full comprehend His all-consuming fire. So I went to a service event, and I wasn't completely hooked. Then a few nights later I went to the Worship Night that occurs ever year during recruitment and was so impressed by the sisters who made me feel welcome. I walked into the Chapel and the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me. I saw the beauty in each and every girl in there, and I felt God planting a seed in my heart. Little did I know how much that seed would grow. That night I also sat behind and met the girl who would become my big sis, Ansley, and little did I know how much that relationship would blossom. I was still pretty weary, but then I received a phone call that would ultimately change the course of my college career. Jackie called me and said that she, Andrew, and Kristy had spoken and wanted me to do it. Jackie said she had prayed about it and felt that it was what I was supposed to do and that the three of them would give me the first semester's dues for SAO. God does things in the strangest ways.
I also had no idea that on our New Member Retreat I would meet 2 of my 3 best friends in SAO. So I went through the Recruitment process and got initiated. My love for SAO bloomed and blossomed over the next year and a half, but my real love for it happened this summer.
When Bobby and I broke up, I was showered with love from my sisters. As that situation brought up a lot of pain from my past surrounding my dad and grandmother's death, and it brought so much brokenness to the surface, I would not have gotten through it without my sisters. Three of my best friends are my sisters, and they gave me some really tough love as I combed through my issues. They forced me to talk about it so they could pray for me. They refused to allow me to keep to myself and fall into a path of self-destruction. I would not have made it through without them. Not to mention my incredible big sis. It's funny how we didn't get close until after she graduated, but God does not make mistakes. And my sisterhood as a whole, my word!
God really pushed me at the beginning of this year to get to know other sisters, and I've challenged myself to do that, and it could not be a more rewarding experience. I realized it last night at formal as I jumped from group to group dancing the night away. And I hold a leadership position...wait what? At that service night over two years ago I never would have thought I'd be a leader. I didn't know any scripture, I didn't know what a true personal relationship with Christ was, but He does amazing things. Even a year ago I never would have thought I'd serve on the Executive Board, but I do, and I love it. Although it's stressful and we deal with some pretty tough situations, I'm learning the importance of handling every situation with grace and having to ask myself very often "what would Jesus do?" I've fallen many times on this path of salvation, and sometimes I felt like I'd fallen into a hole of sin that I could never climb out of. At times where I felt I was digging deeper and deeper into a hole that was so far from the surface that I'd never make it back up, a hand from one of my sisters would reach down to help me climb out of that hole.
I have an army of believers behind me at all times. Wow. Just, wow. When I fall to the sins of this darkened world, I have sisters in Christ who will keep me accountable. And when I fall, I fear no judgement from them, because they love me as Jesus does. They give me Godly advice about how to handle a situation, and they pray for me, and with me. I know I'm never alone in my struggles because, more often than not, they're struggling with the same thing(s). I thank the good Lord for my incredible sisters. I've learned that a relationship with God means a daily surrendering of your heart. Creating disciples of many nations does not mean pushing the Bible on someone or preaching to them. My sisters have taught me that the greatest influence you can have on a person is my setting a good example of what a Godly life looks like. You are vulnerable with your struggles and always point the glory to God. You can make the greatest impact by allowing His light to shine through you so brightly that others want to draw nearer to you to know what that is. He is good.
So to my beautiful, incredible, Godly sisters of Christ reading this, I love you.
Commit to the Dove.
Smile, God loves you.
My friend, Robin, told me about SAO and said we should go to an event during their recruitment. Please also keep in mind that at this time I wasn't totally sure about my faith. I had been saved and believed in Jesus as Lord, but I didn't really talk about it and I didn't full comprehend His all-consuming fire. So I went to a service event, and I wasn't completely hooked. Then a few nights later I went to the Worship Night that occurs ever year during recruitment and was so impressed by the sisters who made me feel welcome. I walked into the Chapel and the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me. I saw the beauty in each and every girl in there, and I felt God planting a seed in my heart. Little did I know how much that seed would grow. That night I also sat behind and met the girl who would become my big sis, Ansley, and little did I know how much that relationship would blossom. I was still pretty weary, but then I received a phone call that would ultimately change the course of my college career. Jackie called me and said that she, Andrew, and Kristy had spoken and wanted me to do it. Jackie said she had prayed about it and felt that it was what I was supposed to do and that the three of them would give me the first semester's dues for SAO. God does things in the strangest ways.
I also had no idea that on our New Member Retreat I would meet 2 of my 3 best friends in SAO. So I went through the Recruitment process and got initiated. My love for SAO bloomed and blossomed over the next year and a half, but my real love for it happened this summer.
When Bobby and I broke up, I was showered with love from my sisters. As that situation brought up a lot of pain from my past surrounding my dad and grandmother's death, and it brought so much brokenness to the surface, I would not have gotten through it without my sisters. Three of my best friends are my sisters, and they gave me some really tough love as I combed through my issues. They forced me to talk about it so they could pray for me. They refused to allow me to keep to myself and fall into a path of self-destruction. I would not have made it through without them. Not to mention my incredible big sis. It's funny how we didn't get close until after she graduated, but God does not make mistakes. And my sisterhood as a whole, my word!
God really pushed me at the beginning of this year to get to know other sisters, and I've challenged myself to do that, and it could not be a more rewarding experience. I realized it last night at formal as I jumped from group to group dancing the night away. And I hold a leadership position...wait what? At that service night over two years ago I never would have thought I'd be a leader. I didn't know any scripture, I didn't know what a true personal relationship with Christ was, but He does amazing things. Even a year ago I never would have thought I'd serve on the Executive Board, but I do, and I love it. Although it's stressful and we deal with some pretty tough situations, I'm learning the importance of handling every situation with grace and having to ask myself very often "what would Jesus do?" I've fallen many times on this path of salvation, and sometimes I felt like I'd fallen into a hole of sin that I could never climb out of. At times where I felt I was digging deeper and deeper into a hole that was so far from the surface that I'd never make it back up, a hand from one of my sisters would reach down to help me climb out of that hole.
I have an army of believers behind me at all times. Wow. Just, wow. When I fall to the sins of this darkened world, I have sisters in Christ who will keep me accountable. And when I fall, I fear no judgement from them, because they love me as Jesus does. They give me Godly advice about how to handle a situation, and they pray for me, and with me. I know I'm never alone in my struggles because, more often than not, they're struggling with the same thing(s). I thank the good Lord for my incredible sisters. I've learned that a relationship with God means a daily surrendering of your heart. Creating disciples of many nations does not mean pushing the Bible on someone or preaching to them. My sisters have taught me that the greatest influence you can have on a person is my setting a good example of what a Godly life looks like. You are vulnerable with your struggles and always point the glory to God. You can make the greatest impact by allowing His light to shine through you so brightly that others want to draw nearer to you to know what that is. He is good.
So to my beautiful, incredible, Godly sisters of Christ reading this, I love you.
Commit to the Dove.
Smile, God loves you.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Staying Positive
These past week was Spring Break, and while many of my peers spent their weeks on the beach drinking, partying, relaxing, and soaking up some sun, I spent mine in Chattanooga with two (now three) of my favorite little chickadees. The first few days I got to shopping with Mom, church with her and Grandpa, and relax at home. But on Tuesday I headed up to Chattanooga to spend some time with Jackie, Andrew, Caroline, and Drew, and anxiously await the arrival of baby Workmon #3.
On Tuesday Jackie, Andrew, and I spent some time watching 19 Kids and Counting before we all went to bed. I'm a firm believer in God's plan for our lives, but I'm not so sure 19 kids are in the cards for me in my future. However, I do think the world can learn a lot about how to value a marriage, your spouse, and raise children in a Christian household. One thing I noticed throughout watching the TV show is how positive the family is. At one point 5 of the younger Dugger children got sick with a stomach bug. While one parent was cleaning up vomit, the other was watching a runny nose, and both were trying to catch the vomit of another child, etc. Now, I've been thrown up on, wiped snotty noses, and held a sick, fussy, and miserable child. I'm just an aunt so I can always give that child back to his/her parents. And I know that it's frustrating, aggravating, tiring, and pretty miserable. But what did Michelle Duggar do? Said what a blessing it was that she was able to have snuggle time with her little ones. A blessing to have 5 children under the age of 7 sick. Really?
The next episode featured the family traveling to Japan. That's a looooong flight. And Anna, the oldest son's wife, who has two little ones, said it was "difficult" at times to keep little ones occupied on such a long flight, but it was a fun experience. I don't call that fun, I'd call that miserable. I said out loud just how positive they were, and Jackie said she's tried to use a lot of the tactics that Michelle Duggar uses when disciplining Caroline and Drew. She said she learns to stay calm even when she wants to scream. I suddenly felt incredibly convicted...how often am I positive in the challenges of every day life?
If you know me, you know I tend to be pretty dramatic and irrational. I've worked a lot in the 6 months about not reacting to situations in irrational ways. I work hard to accept my feelings, rather than challenge them and I often find myself saying, "Victoria. You're angry right now, you're angry about _____. Take a deep breath, think for a minute, then act," and it's helped a lot. Not to say I don't slip up and act in irrational ways, but I think we're all works in progress. God did not create me to be an irrational being. He created darkness so I could see the light, His light. Even in just the little challenges of every day life it's easy to feel alone. Sometimes I do get lonely. I stay so busy at school but in a calm moment I take a minute to relax and then I'm like "ok now what?" I also tend to get anxious at home. I LOVE spending time with my mom and grandpa, but when Mom is at work and then Grandpa goes about his routine, it can get a little lonely and a little boring. And with everything I went through this summer, sometimes I'll look at something and get reminded of how depressed I was. It's nice to look at how far I've come, but if you've ever suffered from depression, you know how easy it is to slip back into that misery.
Before I left for Chattanooga, I was reading for my quiet time and came across this verse
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." -John 14:18
And I thought, dang. And I reread it, and reread it, and reread it. Jesus will not leave me. I have no reason to be lonely, because Jesus is always with me. That, in and of itself, is something to be positive about! So that first night in TN Caroline asked to sleep in the guest bedroom with me, or "Toria's bed please" as she says. I, being the pushover aunt that I am, said yes, knowing I wouldn't get much sleep. And as I was awakened about 40 minutes after I fell asleep because I was smacked in the face, I started to get annoyed. Not angry by any means but just thinking that it would be a long night. Then I looked over at that sweet little girl with her blanket and princess pajamas and thought "how lucky am I?" In a few more years Caroline won't want to sleep in the same bed and snuggle with her aunt. Someday I will stop being the "cool" aunt (but let's be real, I probably won't ever stop being the cool aunt because I'm so much younger than my sisters and they're just old, hehe). The second night Jackie and Andrew stayed in the hospital (or hopspital or Caroline calls in) Drew woke up screaming. I went in and picked him up and rocked him. I was tired and he would just not fall asleep, but I still got to snuggle with him and rock him which I haven't done since he was 6 months old. If you know sweet Drewbie Drew, then you know that boy is always on the move. Poor Jackie can't turn around for a second without Drew getting into something. So I stayed positive just getting to hold him and snuggle him. Of course I rocked him for half an hour and he never fell asleep, but Nana held him for 5 minutes and he was out, but I guess Nana's just have that special touch.
As I drove from Chattanooga to Marietta and then Marietta to Athens, I felt so convicted about how I haven't been very positive lately, and I had to sit there and ask myself if I was really living my life as a Christian should. Is my gaze fixed on Him? Do I turn to Him in the good times just as much as I do in the bad? Do I praise Him for the bad things and for the challenges and interruptions in my day? Do my decisions and actions occasionally cause others to fall, or do they build them up? Do I season my conversations with salt so that I know how to respond to people with grace and patience? Honestly, about 75% of the time, the answer to the above questions is no. But through His grace I know that's OK. My sins are covered by Jesus' blood, and whatever mistakes I make will be forgiven, and always will be. I am never alone because Jesus constantly intercedes on my behalf, and praise the Lord for that because I am incredibly unworthy. I ask those of you reading this to help keep me accountable to living this Christian life. I so badly want to be a light in this forever darkened world. I want God to use my testimony to do great things. I want to let my actions proudly point to Him. I want to show people the glory that comes with being a child of the one and only King.
Because He is King: the one who was, and is, and is to come.
Smile, God loves you!
On Tuesday Jackie, Andrew, and I spent some time watching 19 Kids and Counting before we all went to bed. I'm a firm believer in God's plan for our lives, but I'm not so sure 19 kids are in the cards for me in my future. However, I do think the world can learn a lot about how to value a marriage, your spouse, and raise children in a Christian household. One thing I noticed throughout watching the TV show is how positive the family is. At one point 5 of the younger Dugger children got sick with a stomach bug. While one parent was cleaning up vomit, the other was watching a runny nose, and both were trying to catch the vomit of another child, etc. Now, I've been thrown up on, wiped snotty noses, and held a sick, fussy, and miserable child. I'm just an aunt so I can always give that child back to his/her parents. And I know that it's frustrating, aggravating, tiring, and pretty miserable. But what did Michelle Duggar do? Said what a blessing it was that she was able to have snuggle time with her little ones. A blessing to have 5 children under the age of 7 sick. Really?
The next episode featured the family traveling to Japan. That's a looooong flight. And Anna, the oldest son's wife, who has two little ones, said it was "difficult" at times to keep little ones occupied on such a long flight, but it was a fun experience. I don't call that fun, I'd call that miserable. I said out loud just how positive they were, and Jackie said she's tried to use a lot of the tactics that Michelle Duggar uses when disciplining Caroline and Drew. She said she learns to stay calm even when she wants to scream. I suddenly felt incredibly convicted...how often am I positive in the challenges of every day life?
If you know me, you know I tend to be pretty dramatic and irrational. I've worked a lot in the 6 months about not reacting to situations in irrational ways. I work hard to accept my feelings, rather than challenge them and I often find myself saying, "Victoria. You're angry right now, you're angry about _____. Take a deep breath, think for a minute, then act," and it's helped a lot. Not to say I don't slip up and act in irrational ways, but I think we're all works in progress. God did not create me to be an irrational being. He created darkness so I could see the light, His light. Even in just the little challenges of every day life it's easy to feel alone. Sometimes I do get lonely. I stay so busy at school but in a calm moment I take a minute to relax and then I'm like "ok now what?" I also tend to get anxious at home. I LOVE spending time with my mom and grandpa, but when Mom is at work and then Grandpa goes about his routine, it can get a little lonely and a little boring. And with everything I went through this summer, sometimes I'll look at something and get reminded of how depressed I was. It's nice to look at how far I've come, but if you've ever suffered from depression, you know how easy it is to slip back into that misery.
Before I left for Chattanooga, I was reading for my quiet time and came across this verse
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." -John 14:18
And I thought, dang. And I reread it, and reread it, and reread it. Jesus will not leave me. I have no reason to be lonely, because Jesus is always with me. That, in and of itself, is something to be positive about! So that first night in TN Caroline asked to sleep in the guest bedroom with me, or "Toria's bed please" as she says. I, being the pushover aunt that I am, said yes, knowing I wouldn't get much sleep. And as I was awakened about 40 minutes after I fell asleep because I was smacked in the face, I started to get annoyed. Not angry by any means but just thinking that it would be a long night. Then I looked over at that sweet little girl with her blanket and princess pajamas and thought "how lucky am I?" In a few more years Caroline won't want to sleep in the same bed and snuggle with her aunt. Someday I will stop being the "cool" aunt (but let's be real, I probably won't ever stop being the cool aunt because I'm so much younger than my sisters and they're just old, hehe). The second night Jackie and Andrew stayed in the hospital (or hopspital or Caroline calls in) Drew woke up screaming. I went in and picked him up and rocked him. I was tired and he would just not fall asleep, but I still got to snuggle with him and rock him which I haven't done since he was 6 months old. If you know sweet Drewbie Drew, then you know that boy is always on the move. Poor Jackie can't turn around for a second without Drew getting into something. So I stayed positive just getting to hold him and snuggle him. Of course I rocked him for half an hour and he never fell asleep, but Nana held him for 5 minutes and he was out, but I guess Nana's just have that special touch.
As I drove from Chattanooga to Marietta and then Marietta to Athens, I felt so convicted about how I haven't been very positive lately, and I had to sit there and ask myself if I was really living my life as a Christian should. Is my gaze fixed on Him? Do I turn to Him in the good times just as much as I do in the bad? Do I praise Him for the bad things and for the challenges and interruptions in my day? Do my decisions and actions occasionally cause others to fall, or do they build them up? Do I season my conversations with salt so that I know how to respond to people with grace and patience? Honestly, about 75% of the time, the answer to the above questions is no. But through His grace I know that's OK. My sins are covered by Jesus' blood, and whatever mistakes I make will be forgiven, and always will be. I am never alone because Jesus constantly intercedes on my behalf, and praise the Lord for that because I am incredibly unworthy. I ask those of you reading this to help keep me accountable to living this Christian life. I so badly want to be a light in this forever darkened world. I want God to use my testimony to do great things. I want to let my actions proudly point to Him. I want to show people the glory that comes with being a child of the one and only King.
Because He is King: the one who was, and is, and is to come.
Smile, God loves you!
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