So it's that time of year, and I can't believe how time flies!!! It's Christmas time and time to celebrate the birth of our Savior. This is known as the most wonderful time of year, but sometimes I cannot help but have a heavy heart as I remember the loved ones who won't be joining us during this festive time. My heart has been hurting these past few days from missing my grandma.
For those of you who don't know, my grandma moved in when I was 8, about a year and a half after my dad's passing, to help with things here and so they could be near my mom (the nurse and medical expert in the family) as grandpa wasn't in good health at the time. I don't really remember the transition being "rough" in terms of having them in the house, but I do remember thinking that Grandma would bake a ton of her famous cookies and cobbler. I didn't realize she would sometimes take on the role of disciplinarian, but she had to. This is NOT to say that she did not spoil me rotten. On cold winter mornings she would take my clothes and put them in the dryer so I could have warm clothes to wear before going out to the bus stop. She woke up early and made my breakfast and lunch every day. Yes, I know how lucky I was, my oh my! Grandma also set the example of the epitome of what it meant to be a Christian woman. I can't even describe the grace (her middle name) and poise she had in every situation. I could probably count on one hand how many times she complained. Her patience could only be described as saintly. When I was 11 and had my first migraine, she sat up with me and rubbed my head and neck until I fell asleep. I also remember a time I spilled an entire bottle of shampoo on my carpet and she spent hours scraping it out of the carpet while I freaked out thinking I'd get in trouble. She was the only one who could perfectly whip up the mashed potatoes, and I don't know if she ever used a baking mix. When my anxiety really got going around age 12, she was the one who could see through everything and sat with me. I also got mono at 12 and every day we sat in the dining room and drank tea and played double solitaire at 2pm (on the days I was too weak to go to school). She tried so hard to get me involved in youth groups and going to church, but my heart just wasn't softened yet to accept Christ. I believed in God, but I didn't truly believe if that makes sense.
On Christmas day of 2005, we lost Grandma in her sleep. At 13 it was still my job to wake everyone up to open presents, and Grandma and Grandpa were the first people I went to. When I went to wake them up, Grandma didn't. She had gone to be with the Lord, and I can just envision the smile on her face and joy she must have felt when she met Him. On Christmas Eve, as I said goodnight, I somehow knew it was the last time I would kiss her warm cheek and hear the "tick tick" of her pacemaker- the most comforting sound in the world because it was Grandma. That night as I slept, I had a dream that she came into the room, kissed my cheek, told me she loved me and that she would never leave me. I remember waking up after that dream and looking at the clock which said it was between 2 and 3 am. When the paramedics came the next morning, they told my mom their best estimate of when she passed was between 2 and 3 am. I know that was no coincidence, and I was the only one she said goodbye to. I don't really believe in ghosts, but I know Grandma came to say goodbye that night.
I'm not the biggest fan of decorating for Christmas, call me Scrooge but it annoys me to put up and take down all those decorations. I LOVE how beautiful they are when they're up. However, Grandma adored decorating for Christmas, she even changed the toilet seat lid to be one with a Christmas wreath painted on it. So this year, despite the fact that I spent hours fiddling with broken tree lights, and spending a good 45 minutes putting up the garland only to realize I put the outdoor and not the indoor, I decided I would have a happy heart as Grandma would have. I do miss her though; oh how my heart aches just thinking about it. I miss falling asleep with my head in her lap to the soft "tick tick" of her pacemaker, I miss watching her make her famous pie crusts, hearing the whirring of her sewing machine, her homemade chicken and dumplings, playing double solitaire, and just the calm nature of her presence. I wish she were here to play with Caroline- I can only imagine how many tutus and princess dresses Grandma would have made for her!
Here we are almost 7 years later. I look back on the heart break, tears, anxiety, and yes, depression, that followed her death. God took Grandma from us on the same day we celebrate the birth of a Savior. God used that amazing woman to soften my heart to His love. Even though I miss her and every year on Christmas it feels like a little piece of me is missing, I know she so desperately wants me, and my family, to celebrate the birth of Christ and not mourn her death because she served Him in any way she could. Every time I hear Steven Curtis Chapman's "Do Everything," I think of Grandma; she did everything to His glory. I hope I age as she did, with poise, grace, patience, understanding, and the faith to get through anything.
On another note, I've debated a lot about posting this, but I do believe in the power of prayer and there are many fewer people who read this than see things on Facebook, so I guess I'll post this for the prayers. During my freshman year, I found a lump in my breast that had to be removed. I was very scared and didn't tell many people about it. Praises to Him because it was a benign tumor. However, during my annual exam the doctor found two more lumps. The chances of them being benign are very high and very likely, but I still have some anxiety about the surgery. It's not a serious surgery, very invasive, and I'll recover in a few days (not a big deal), but I would still love some prayers for a safe surgery.
More importantly, I ask that we all be in prayer for those who are mourning loved ones this holiday. No day is easy, but the holidays are a reminder of family togetherness, and mourning a loved one seems to be more painful at this time. Also, let us remain faithful in prayer for those who are celebrating their first holiday without a loved one because the first one is the most difficult. Let us all open our hearts to those who feel lonely on this holiday and pray that they may open their hearts to His abundant love and know that they are never truly alone.
Smile, God loves you!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Keep Breathing. Keep Walking.
So it seems that lately I've been asked one question repeatedly and by several different people: "Have you every felt lost in your relationship with God?" As I ponder how to answer this question, I laugh to myself and think, "man have I ever." Just read some of my other blog posts and you'll see the frustration, anger, despair, hurt, anxiety, fear, and depression I've felt over the last year or so. But I can gladly and proudly say that all of this has strengthened my faith. And I can see now that God has worked diligently to craft me into someone who can become comfortable to witness to others. I used to keep my faith to myself because I didn't want to pressure others or seem as if I'm pushing my faith onto them. I've seen though, that as people know my heart and know that it lies in Jesus, they are open to ask me questions, and I must be open to answer them.
To think of myself as a witness is funny for me, because I've spent so much of my life feeling ashamed. Even the last 6 months as I learned to navigate through a broken heart I knew the whole time God was refining me. I know that tough times will never cease, but right now I can shout from the rooftops that I am redeemed!
So after answering people's first question, they ask another one: "How do you get through it?" And I look back and can say I have no idea. Sadly, it's in these times of feeling lost that we often begin to doubt our faith. I fought, and I fought hard, to keep my faith alive. I knew all along that God wasn't changing, He wasn't going anywhere, but I was the one who created the distance; I went away. My grandmother served as an incredible inspiration and role model in my life and really pushed me to know God's love. Unfortunately, I didn't come to know him until I was 16, but I did have the chance to observe my grandma and see what it was like to be a Christ-loving woman. Goodness, she radiated with His love. She was patient, kind, graceful, loving, and so much more. It makes me sad to think that I never got to talk to her about Jesus, but as Jackie says, we can confidently know that one day we will dance with her on golden streets and praise the Holy One. But anyway, this summer when things were tough my mom told me that my grandma went through a "lull" in her faith after she had been hospitalized. She felt abandoned by God and her ability to always feel Him seemed to diminish and she felt scared and alone. She spoke with a minister and he told her that we must remain faithful, and she did. Then one day she felt God again, and her faithfulness was rewarded. Now, I often fall short of the amazing woman my grandma was, but hearing that this amazing woman of God felt distanced gave me confidence. Now I've come out on the other side of a rough patch, and it's weird, one day I did just feel Him again.
I also had to realize that I had a choice to see Him. What helped the most was seeing Him in Caroline and Drew every day this summer. I would look at those sweet little faces and be reminded that they were the epitome of what God sees in His children: purity and innocence. I couldn't look at those little chickadees and think "Oh how wonderful, science created them." No, something much bigger and greater had to create them, and His name is God. I also saw Him in the people who surrounded me. The people in my life were able to specifically fulfill my needs of love, attention, companionship, a shoulder to lean/cry on, and more during the difficult time. It's no coincidence they were there; He put them there. It isn't coincidence that my hall is amazing this year. I prayed and prayed and prayed for these young girls, and each and every one of them holds a specific place in my heart- that's no coincidence. And my family...my oh my my beautiful family. We've been through so much and they are my rock and foundation and God certainly knew what He was doing when He created the crazy Rivard daughters.
I also looked at times in my life when God intervened: in my father's death, my grandparents moving in, my grandma's death, the friends I made, my joy in dancing, the way staying with Girl Scouts opened so many opportunities despite the ridicule, making a choice to go to Disney World when I was 17 and having my first love, going to UGA and not my "dream" school, becoming an RA, joining SAO, wanting to become a teacher, applying for a leadership position in SAO. And yes, now I can even say I saw Him in the fallout of that same relationship that started when I was 17. I can see Him in my anxiety and how that thing I don't love so much about myself strengthens my faith. Although there are some loose ends in my life, some more recent than others, I trust Him. When I use these examples in talking to the people who have questions for me, I can only hope they see how He has intervened in their lives.
Of course, it's all so easy for me to say now, after the fact, while they're going through something tough. So what's my answer, you get up, dust yourself off (no matter how many times it takes), and most importantly, you keep breathing and you keep walking. If you breathe and walk then you at least know you're fulfilling His will because you're alive. You may not want to be, you may not feel Him, you may hate Him, but you wouldn't be here if you weren't meant to be. If you look hard enough you'll see Him in those past situations as I have. That's how I answer these friends.
About two months ago I heard Mercy Me's "Bring the Rain" and it struck a cord. It's a beautiful song and the lyrics I feel appropriate for this time in my life are these:
So I pray...
Bring me joy, bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings You glory,
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me, what's a little rain
These lyrics always give me chills. Truly, what is a little rain? What happens after a rainstorm? Everything is wiped clean; it's fresh and new, the perfect time to get up, breathe, and walk.
I can praise God for what I've gone through. Especially in these last few months, He's brought some pretty amazing people into my life. So to my friends struggling, keep the faith. He will come through.
Smile, God loves you!
(And for that we have SO much to smile about!)
To think of myself as a witness is funny for me, because I've spent so much of my life feeling ashamed. Even the last 6 months as I learned to navigate through a broken heart I knew the whole time God was refining me. I know that tough times will never cease, but right now I can shout from the rooftops that I am redeemed!
So after answering people's first question, they ask another one: "How do you get through it?" And I look back and can say I have no idea. Sadly, it's in these times of feeling lost that we often begin to doubt our faith. I fought, and I fought hard, to keep my faith alive. I knew all along that God wasn't changing, He wasn't going anywhere, but I was the one who created the distance; I went away. My grandmother served as an incredible inspiration and role model in my life and really pushed me to know God's love. Unfortunately, I didn't come to know him until I was 16, but I did have the chance to observe my grandma and see what it was like to be a Christ-loving woman. Goodness, she radiated with His love. She was patient, kind, graceful, loving, and so much more. It makes me sad to think that I never got to talk to her about Jesus, but as Jackie says, we can confidently know that one day we will dance with her on golden streets and praise the Holy One. But anyway, this summer when things were tough my mom told me that my grandma went through a "lull" in her faith after she had been hospitalized. She felt abandoned by God and her ability to always feel Him seemed to diminish and she felt scared and alone. She spoke with a minister and he told her that we must remain faithful, and she did. Then one day she felt God again, and her faithfulness was rewarded. Now, I often fall short of the amazing woman my grandma was, but hearing that this amazing woman of God felt distanced gave me confidence. Now I've come out on the other side of a rough patch, and it's weird, one day I did just feel Him again.
I also had to realize that I had a choice to see Him. What helped the most was seeing Him in Caroline and Drew every day this summer. I would look at those sweet little faces and be reminded that they were the epitome of what God sees in His children: purity and innocence. I couldn't look at those little chickadees and think "Oh how wonderful, science created them." No, something much bigger and greater had to create them, and His name is God. I also saw Him in the people who surrounded me. The people in my life were able to specifically fulfill my needs of love, attention, companionship, a shoulder to lean/cry on, and more during the difficult time. It's no coincidence they were there; He put them there. It isn't coincidence that my hall is amazing this year. I prayed and prayed and prayed for these young girls, and each and every one of them holds a specific place in my heart- that's no coincidence. And my family...my oh my my beautiful family. We've been through so much and they are my rock and foundation and God certainly knew what He was doing when He created the crazy Rivard daughters.
I also looked at times in my life when God intervened: in my father's death, my grandparents moving in, my grandma's death, the friends I made, my joy in dancing, the way staying with Girl Scouts opened so many opportunities despite the ridicule, making a choice to go to Disney World when I was 17 and having my first love, going to UGA and not my "dream" school, becoming an RA, joining SAO, wanting to become a teacher, applying for a leadership position in SAO. And yes, now I can even say I saw Him in the fallout of that same relationship that started when I was 17. I can see Him in my anxiety and how that thing I don't love so much about myself strengthens my faith. Although there are some loose ends in my life, some more recent than others, I trust Him. When I use these examples in talking to the people who have questions for me, I can only hope they see how He has intervened in their lives.
Of course, it's all so easy for me to say now, after the fact, while they're going through something tough. So what's my answer, you get up, dust yourself off (no matter how many times it takes), and most importantly, you keep breathing and you keep walking. If you breathe and walk then you at least know you're fulfilling His will because you're alive. You may not want to be, you may not feel Him, you may hate Him, but you wouldn't be here if you weren't meant to be. If you look hard enough you'll see Him in those past situations as I have. That's how I answer these friends.
About two months ago I heard Mercy Me's "Bring the Rain" and it struck a cord. It's a beautiful song and the lyrics I feel appropriate for this time in my life are these:
So I pray...
Bring me joy, bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings You glory,
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me, what's a little rain
These lyrics always give me chills. Truly, what is a little rain? What happens after a rainstorm? Everything is wiped clean; it's fresh and new, the perfect time to get up, breathe, and walk.
I can praise God for what I've gone through. Especially in these last few months, He's brought some pretty amazing people into my life. So to my friends struggling, keep the faith. He will come through.
Smile, God loves you!
(And for that we have SO much to smile about!)
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Every Little Girl's Dream
I'm sure you've seen the news...the Duchess of Cambridge is PREGNANT! Oh my gosh, there is what the world is calling a "royal fetus." Although I think Kate Middleton is poised, graceful, and has wonderful fashion sense and I think it's great whenever God chooses to create a life, I'm a little less than amused with this news.
You see, hearing all of this and seeing everyone's updates on Facebook and tweets on Twitter got me thinking "What about royalty really matters?" Then I got it: the fact that many little girls (and I'm sure boys) want to grow up to be a princess (or a prince). But here's the thing, we're already royalty.
When Caroline was first born, Jackie and Andrew had a hard time deciding whether or not she should play with princesses/watch the movies. I had the movies but never really wore the costumes and such like Caroline does, and neither did my sisters because our dad didn't want us thinking we needed a man to rescue us. And let's be honest, the men in the Disney movies are handsome and sweet, but not always great (Aladdin was a liar, Eugene was a thief, etc). But Jackie read this book about raising girls that talks about the ways princesses make girls feel loved and pretty, and it makes sense in a little girl's brain. Honestly, the influence the princesses have on little girls is of little importance in the way their parents raise them anyway.
Kate Middleton is our version of a modern-day princess (even though she's technically a duchess) and many women look to her with the same eyes they did as little girls watching Cinderella and Aurora. William didn't "rescue" Kate and she's a pretty independent woman. However...
And here's the catch. Ladies, we're all princesses. His princesses. That God that adores us and cherishes us, we're His. And a man did come to our rescue, but he came a long time ago and rescued us in a spiritual way, not in the worldly way like any human can. His name is Jesus. He is the King, so no prince can ever sweep us off of our feet because Jesus has already fought the good fight. No man, not even a God-fearing, Jesus-loving, wonderful man can compare to the King who gave His life for us. God loves us so much that he sent that King so that we may be royalty. Not only that, but Jesus was God's only begotten son. I don't think many of us can imagine giving up a loved one to save the world. I've never experienced what it means to have a child, but I do know the protective love I feel as an aunt, and I don't think I could EVER give up those three little ones. But God did. He saved us. Let me repeat again. We. Are. Royalty. We. Are. Princes. And. Princesses. No amount of clothing, make up, hair style, money, or possessions can change what we look like in His eyes. The "requirements" that come along with being royal are nothing in God's eyes. So please, when you're looking at those pictures of that gorgeous Duchess, or watching a movie, or a reality TV show (like I'm MORE than guilty of) and you find yourself wishing you were more beautiful, had more, achieved more, just remember that you can do no more in His eyes. You're born as a princess, live as a princess, and die as a princess. And you do not serve people, but you serve a gracious, loving, and eternal Father.
"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
~Romans 8:14-17
Smile, God loves you!
You see, hearing all of this and seeing everyone's updates on Facebook and tweets on Twitter got me thinking "What about royalty really matters?" Then I got it: the fact that many little girls (and I'm sure boys) want to grow up to be a princess (or a prince). But here's the thing, we're already royalty.
When Caroline was first born, Jackie and Andrew had a hard time deciding whether or not she should play with princesses/watch the movies. I had the movies but never really wore the costumes and such like Caroline does, and neither did my sisters because our dad didn't want us thinking we needed a man to rescue us. And let's be honest, the men in the Disney movies are handsome and sweet, but not always great (Aladdin was a liar, Eugene was a thief, etc). But Jackie read this book about raising girls that talks about the ways princesses make girls feel loved and pretty, and it makes sense in a little girl's brain. Honestly, the influence the princesses have on little girls is of little importance in the way their parents raise them anyway.
Kate Middleton is our version of a modern-day princess (even though she's technically a duchess) and many women look to her with the same eyes they did as little girls watching Cinderella and Aurora. William didn't "rescue" Kate and she's a pretty independent woman. However...
And here's the catch. Ladies, we're all princesses. His princesses. That God that adores us and cherishes us, we're His. And a man did come to our rescue, but he came a long time ago and rescued us in a spiritual way, not in the worldly way like any human can. His name is Jesus. He is the King, so no prince can ever sweep us off of our feet because Jesus has already fought the good fight. No man, not even a God-fearing, Jesus-loving, wonderful man can compare to the King who gave His life for us. God loves us so much that he sent that King so that we may be royalty. Not only that, but Jesus was God's only begotten son. I don't think many of us can imagine giving up a loved one to save the world. I've never experienced what it means to have a child, but I do know the protective love I feel as an aunt, and I don't think I could EVER give up those three little ones. But God did. He saved us. Let me repeat again. We. Are. Royalty. We. Are. Princes. And. Princesses. No amount of clothing, make up, hair style, money, or possessions can change what we look like in His eyes. The "requirements" that come along with being royal are nothing in God's eyes. So please, when you're looking at those pictures of that gorgeous Duchess, or watching a movie, or a reality TV show (like I'm MORE than guilty of) and you find yourself wishing you were more beautiful, had more, achieved more, just remember that you can do no more in His eyes. You're born as a princess, live as a princess, and die as a princess. And you do not serve people, but you serve a gracious, loving, and eternal Father.
"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."
~Romans 8:14-17
Smile, God loves you!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Season of Change
My oh my how my life is changing! And if you know me, you know that change and I do not go well together. I resist change like nobody's business. God puts the change in my life and I dig my heels in to the comfortable life that I lead. But if I've learned one thing lately, it's that I need to acknowledge that change is coming, pray for strength, and get ready to buckle up and embrace the change.
I am extremely excited to announce that I will be Sigma Alpha Omega's Mu Chapter Secretary for the 2013 year. God really put this position on my heart and what do ya know? I went for it. I also got inducted into the National Residence Hall Honorary (NRHH) this past Thursday. It's the top 1% of students living on campus and is a club focused on service and leadership. This all means that (God willing I get into the English Ed program) Fall semester senior year I will be an RA, SAO Secretary, student teaching, and a member of NRHH. Phew, I'm tired just thinking about it. I'm also fearful thinking about doing all of that, but I prayerfully considered all of these decisions- doing this perhaps for the first time in my life- and I know God will equip me with the skills to get through the stressful times and hopefully have fun along the way!
Jackie, Andrew, and the kids will also be moving to Chattanooga at the end of the month. Jackie and I are so much alike and she and Andrew were so helpful and supportive throughout everything I've gone through this last year- praying for me, encouraging me, listening to me, etc., so I'm really going to miss them. I think out of the 4 of us girls, Jackie and I are the most alike and it's nice to joke around with her and for us to talk through situations together and I'll miss having those experiences in person. It's also been so nice to witness Andrew be such a good Christian man. He really is an example of a God loving and fearing man that I hope to have in my life some day. I've also been so spoiled getting to spend so much time with Caroline and Drew. We all know how much I love those kiddos, so I'm going to miss them terribly. Drew is at such a fun age and I can't believe he will be 1 in just a little over a week! This last weekend I was home and we wrestled and he "plays dead" on the carpet until you tickle him. Caroline is still the hilarious little girl I love and she always refuses to let me go when I'm home. It is such a wonderful blessing for Andrew to get a new job because it means Jackie gets to stay home! Jackie has already assured me that she will make the short drive to Marietta whenever I come home. It's still change though so of course I struggle with it.
This next thing is also something I'm anxious about sharing. So when I was really struggling with the "fire" that I talked about on my last blog post, I prayed long and hard and finally got to the point where I've forgiven myself for the mistakes of my past. I'm the kind of person who holds on to things I did wrong in the 4th grade. I, like most people, make mistakes constantly, but I tend to harp on those mistakes and beat myself up for them years later. So I sat there praying and felt the Spirit. I know things like this freak people out, but I feel like the words that came out of this experience were God's and not mine. This is something I feel like I need to share and I've been debating about doing so for a while. I just hope that someone reading this finds some solace and comfort. So please don't make fun of me or think me weird for what I'm about to share:
I am extremely excited to announce that I will be Sigma Alpha Omega's Mu Chapter Secretary for the 2013 year. God really put this position on my heart and what do ya know? I went for it. I also got inducted into the National Residence Hall Honorary (NRHH) this past Thursday. It's the top 1% of students living on campus and is a club focused on service and leadership. This all means that (God willing I get into the English Ed program) Fall semester senior year I will be an RA, SAO Secretary, student teaching, and a member of NRHH. Phew, I'm tired just thinking about it. I'm also fearful thinking about doing all of that, but I prayerfully considered all of these decisions- doing this perhaps for the first time in my life- and I know God will equip me with the skills to get through the stressful times and hopefully have fun along the way!
Jackie, Andrew, and the kids will also be moving to Chattanooga at the end of the month. Jackie and I are so much alike and she and Andrew were so helpful and supportive throughout everything I've gone through this last year- praying for me, encouraging me, listening to me, etc., so I'm really going to miss them. I think out of the 4 of us girls, Jackie and I are the most alike and it's nice to joke around with her and for us to talk through situations together and I'll miss having those experiences in person. It's also been so nice to witness Andrew be such a good Christian man. He really is an example of a God loving and fearing man that I hope to have in my life some day. I've also been so spoiled getting to spend so much time with Caroline and Drew. We all know how much I love those kiddos, so I'm going to miss them terribly. Drew is at such a fun age and I can't believe he will be 1 in just a little over a week! This last weekend I was home and we wrestled and he "plays dead" on the carpet until you tickle him. Caroline is still the hilarious little girl I love and she always refuses to let me go when I'm home. It is such a wonderful blessing for Andrew to get a new job because it means Jackie gets to stay home! Jackie has already assured me that she will make the short drive to Marietta whenever I come home. It's still change though so of course I struggle with it.
This next thing is also something I'm anxious about sharing. So when I was really struggling with the "fire" that I talked about on my last blog post, I prayed long and hard and finally got to the point where I've forgiven myself for the mistakes of my past. I'm the kind of person who holds on to things I did wrong in the 4th grade. I, like most people, make mistakes constantly, but I tend to harp on those mistakes and beat myself up for them years later. So I sat there praying and felt the Spirit. I know things like this freak people out, but I feel like the words that came out of this experience were God's and not mine. This is something I feel like I need to share and I've been debating about doing so for a while. I just hope that someone reading this finds some solace and comfort. So please don't make fun of me or think me weird for what I'm about to share:
I
Know You
I
know you
You’re
the one who sits alone
Crying
yourself to sleep every few nights
You
think you’re alone
But
I know you
You
think no one will see
That
you’re falling apart
Barely
hanging on
Clinging
to what little faith you have
But
I see you
I
know you
You
sit and debate
Whether
or not they will like you
You
know they’re your friends
But
they don’t know everything
They
don’t know the full story
Would
they really like you if they did?
But
I know you
You
cannot forgive yourself
For
the mistakes of your past
You’ve
been told that He forgives
But
you cannot do it yourself
You
think no one could possibly understand
But
I do
I
know you
So
you get angry
You
look in the mirror
Wondering
what happened
To
that little girl with innocent eyes
Where
has she gone?
Can
He really bring her back?
Are
you really that girl in His eyes?
You
are full of self-hate
You
don’t recognize who you are
You
wonder how it got this way
You
can’t seem to see how anyone
Could
love you with the darkness of your past
But
I do
Because
I know you
I
know you
Because
I formed you
I
created you
Those
eyes, that hair, that body
I
created it with love in mind
I
know you
Somewhere
along the line
You
got lost
But
that’s ok
Because
I’m here
I
never got lost
Because
I know you
Lay
it all down, Beloved
Because
that’s what you are
Beloved
and Chosen
Because
I chose you
I
know you
How
can you doubt
The
One who created the earth
The
One who created laughter
And
happiness
The
One who created innocence
More
importantly, forgiveness
You
have regrets
But
I have none
Because
I made you
I
know you
You
think you can hide behind
That
fake smile
Force
yourself to pretend to be happy
I
don’t need pretend
Because
I made you
Because…
I
love you
Yes,
I do.
I
love the mistakes
Because
I can forgive them
I
will use this testimony
For
the furthering of my Kingdom
You
may not believe me now
But
you will
Because
I know you
Someday
you will look back
When
I have given you
The
desires of that pretty heart
You
will look back
And
thank me for what you’re going through
I
always had something better in mind
You
just had to wait
Until
I was ready for you to see it
Because,
Beloved
I
needed to show you
To
teach you
That
I know you
So I hope someone our there got something out of that. I'm nervous for posting this so pray for me and that someone gets something from those words that God spoke through me.
Smile, God loves you!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Walking through Fire
Many posts back I talked about how I'm walking through fire lately. That feeling was never more apparent than last week. I'm going to be real for a moment: I was angry with God. Actually, angry doesn't begin to cut it, I was pissed. I know that's a rather immature word, but I can't think of a more accurate description of how I felt. I sat there, doing my Bible Study (a Beth Moore study about breaking free from yokes of slavery that keep us from God) and just got angry. I was reading testimonies of God giving people the desires of their hearts, and I was bitter, frustrated, and angry. It didn't help that we had a guest speaker in chapter last week who, although her intentions were pure I assure you, basically made me feel like crap. I felt like my stinking sins followed me everywhere. I'm still in the process of forgiving myself for sins I've committed, and there I sat, feeling unworthy, unlovable, and like I had no future. I cried and I screamed at God. I told Him, yes, I told Him, that I hated Him. I didn't know why I had to have this stupid thing called faith when I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it. (Remember, I'm selfish and only see things in my own little world, not God's.) I told God I couldn't do it anymore; I didn't feel like I was being fulfilled, none of my prayers were being answered, I couldn't hear Him communicating with me anymore, and I just plain couldn't feel Him. So I made a decision, right then and there, to stop believing...
Ha Ha.
What do you know? When I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep, I started reciting the verse that calms me down, Psalm 121, but then I remembered "No, I'm pissed at Him so I'm not going to talk to Him." Could I calm down? No. Finally my body took over and I fell back asleep. I woke up in the morning, and thanked God for doing that..but wait, I'm pissed! Then I got in the bathroom and heard some song about who knows what but not something I wanted stuck in my head, and started singing praise songs in my head...BUT WAIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ANGRY. I couldn't escape Him. For some crazy reason my heart belongs to Him. I knew the answer was to make that concentrated effort to surrender to Him and His plan, but I'm so freaking stubborn that I can't. I kept telling myself it was too dang hard. I want what I want and I want it NOW.
There's nothing like a good conversation with your mama to bring you to reality.
I told my mom about my frustrations, and she told me I had to start choosing to find satisfaction in every day. I know I've said this before, and I know this, but I needed a reminder. Even though I pray all day long, stay in my Bible study, I still lose sight of things. People who say God doesn't have a sense of humor are nuts. I sat there praying after talking to my mom and I heard Him, for the first time in a while, say "Little one, you can't escape me. Deal with it, beloved." RUDE! But it's the truth.
A few weeks ago when my anxiety and fear were really bad, I posted scripture above my bed to help me, but I stopped reading them. Well, I glanced up the other night and this is what I see:
"I am the Lord your God. The one who created you, Jacob, The one who formed you, Israel. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you walk through the waters, I will be with you. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; The flames will not set you ablaze."
- Isaiah 43:1-3
Alright, God, I see what you did there. You never said that believing in you would guarantee zero trials or times of walking through fire, but you did promise you would be there every step of the way and deliver me...eventually.
Then I sit down to do my study tonight, and what's the first scripture we look at? Isaiah 43:1-7. God: 2, me: 0. Beth Moore puts it best:
"On some occasions God may purposely alter the evidences of His presence to bring the most benefit from our experience."
"God does not love us less when He gives us fewer evidences. He simply desires to grow us up and teach us to walk by faith and not by sight. These steps are most challenging when we're delivered through frightening experiences rather than from them."
"Christ does not always immediately calm the storm, but He is always willing to calm His child on the basis of His presence."
If you're keeping count, again this is God: 3, me: 0.
And the last few days, I have been trying to find satisfaction in every moment. I know I'm BEYOND blessed, beyond, but again, I'm a selfish human being. But thank God for Christ. I also have to learn to keep denying Satan's lies. He sucks. He cannot win. So last night I compiled some truths (also courtesy of the Beth Moore book, Believing God...I guess I'm on a Beth Moore kick right now).
If you're struggling, feel free to copy the above, because they're true for all of His children. On praiseworthy notes:
- I got accepted into the National Residence Hall Honorary, the top 1% of students on campus. It's a club focusing on leadership and service.
- I successfully gave my speech this evening to run for SAO secretary.
- I love my residents.
- Mom came up this last weekend and it was fabulous. I love my mom.
- I get to go home for fall break this weekend and squeeze my adorable niece and one of my nephews.
Smile, God loves you. Thanks for taking this journey with me of walking through fire. For those of you that read this, I'd love to hear from you, pray for you, or meet up with you. Walking alone isn't always fun, but you're not alone.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Perfection in Weakness
So I know this is like my second post in a few days, but stay with me, this is a message I think we could all benefit from hearing. The last few days have been rough for me...I was doing really well and then I just snapped and cried forever about things going on in my life (thank goodness for good friends who love me despite my insanity and will listen to my irrational crying fits and love me, and for a mommy who always listens!) Anyway, I told my mom last night on the phone that I just feel like God has forgotten about me. I comprehend that this isn't true, but convincing my brain to truly believe it is difficult: I see little things getting answered in my life, and I see doors being opened, but some days I don't feel like I'm any less depressed, some days I just think He forgets about the big things in my life that occupy the majority of my time and thoughts. My mom reminded me that God tells us He will never forget us, but this weekend I spent a lot of time being angry with God, and believe me, I told Him about it.
Then this morning at church...
The basis of the sermon came out of 2 Corinthians 11 and 12, and the pastor pointed out that God delights in our weaknesses. And when you first think about it, that's really twisted, right? Gee, thanks, we're all sitting here struggling and you're delighting in my struggle. But then the pastor asked a question..."How often would you talk to God if you weren't struggling with the depression, the money struggles, the health problem, the intellectual issues, your social fears, feelings of inadequacy, etc.? How often would He hear from you? Is this issue in your life your main 'lifeline' with God?" WOW. Think about that for a minute. If you're like me then you're answer is, embarrassingly, well, I'd probably only talk to him about 1/4 of what I do now. And let's be honest, that's just plain sad. But the question wasn't posed to make us ashamed of ourselves, but it was asked to humble us. And it is SO humbling. It's in my weaknesses, and there are many, that I cling to my faith because there is nothing else in this world. It's in weakness that I get on my knees and have open communication with God. It's in my weakness that I look at everything in terms of His hand being on it because I want to truly see Him in my life. So, in truth, weakness is pretty darn powerful. And then I reflect on my life, when have I been closest with God? In times when I was deeply upset, when I couldn't see a way out, and when, for lack of a better term, I was quite miserable with myself. So I guess God is training me, and all of us, to remember that He isn't just there in our weakness. When we're ready He'll change it, He will answer us, but it will only happen when we're ready to pray to Him in all things, and not just in times of trouble. So join me in [the attempt] to wait patiently.
Let's pray together:
Oh Heavenly Father we thank you for messages like this- messages that show us that in true pain YOU are revealed, that when it feels like there is nothing left there is GOD and JESUS. We pray Jesus is glorified in the pain, for none of us has or will ever experience the true pain He did when He gave His life for sinners like us. We pray we remain thankful for our weaknesses. We pray we can be a mirror and simply reflect your love and help hold others up when they feel they have nothing left, because we've been there and have seen what Your love can do. Let us be grateful for weakness; let us delight in it as you do.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Smile, God loves you.
"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."
- 2 Corinthians 11:30
"I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses."
- 2 Corinthians 12:5
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
Friday, October 12, 2012
Take a Look, it's in a Book
The last few posts have had a lot to do with my issues surrounding my dad's death and a lot of the things I don't remember about him, but I do have a legacy of his embedded in me, and that is my love of reading/Literature. I, like my dad, have the ability to read 4 or 5 books at a time. Although the majority of my memories of my dad are vague, one thing I vividly remember are the stack of books that sat on his night stand. I am also blessed in the fact that my mother is also an avid reader, but my mom says my ability to read several books at a time comes from my dad. Anyway, I remember the first book I read was Goldilocks and the Three Bears, well...maybe I just had it memorized but I still count that as my first book. I also think my love of reading lies in the fact that my parents were wonderful enough to ALWAYS read to me when I was little, along with my sisters. My love for reading skyrocketed after my dad's passing; I escaped through every book. For just a few minutes I was able to get out of my head and go into a world all of my own. To this day when I'm feeling really anxious I still pick up a book and read. Lately though I've been reading Christian fiction/books, but this summer I conquered Gone With the Wind, and dang, I can't believe I waited 20 years to read that book. Let me give you an indication of how much I love to read/how much I do read: since May, I've read 14 books, including the 1400+ page Gone With the Wind.
I guess it was no surprise to anyone that I'd want to be a teacher. It gets frustrating when I tell people I want to be a teacher and they tell me "Oh...are you sure? It's hard." Excuse my juvenile thought process in my head "like no, duh." Granted I know I have NO idea how hard it will be until I get there, but God has put me on this path and it's a career I carefully consider and often ask Him "are you sure I can handle this?" and every day I'm met with "yes, little one, I've given this to you for a reason." When people ask me why I want to be a teacher, of course my first response is to touch lives, but I always want to show students the INCREDIBLE worlds that exist outside our own, all contained in one simple word: Literature. Books, books, and more books. Books are an escape, a coping mechanism, and quite the adventures. One minute you're in the depths and anguish of the Civil War with Scarlett O'Hara, the next you're going down a river with Huck Finn, and another moment you're with Elizabeth Benet in England. Oh the wonders of this incredible world! Clearly, I love books, and I dream of having a library in my house some day. I have too many pins on Pinterest of home libraries that I drool over. I can't even study in UGA's main library on any floor other than the first where there are no books because otherwise I'm too overwhelmed and just want to roam the shelves. Put me in a bookstore and I'm there for hours. I walk in, take a deep breath, smell that book-y smell, and I'm in my own heaven on earth. Please pardon my complete nerd moment I just had, but that's what I want to show students. How books can save your life. It doesn't matter where you are, you can get away, and it's as easy as picking up some pages bound together.
Lately I've been thinking about a bucket list...I mean I'm 20 and have the whole world ahead of me, and one thing I've realized I really, truly want to do is write a book. I would love to be an English teacher for some time, have babies, then become an author (obviously the plan is husband first, babies second, but you get the idea). I guess this thing on the bucket list still depends on me getting my bachelor's and master's degrees, but a girl can dream. It kind of scares me to think about doing something like that, but I know God will see me through if it's part of His plan- we shall see.
Prayers are much appreciated as I'm facing some big times of change in my life, and change is something I greatly struggle with.
As always...
Smile, God loves you
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
-Romans 8:28
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