The Most Wonderful Time of Year

So it's that time of year, and I can't believe how time flies!!! It's Christmas time and time to celebrate the birth of our Savior. This is known as the most wonderful time of year, but sometimes I cannot help but have a heavy heart as I remember the loved ones who won't be joining us during this festive time. My heart has been hurting these past few days from missing my grandma. 

For those of you who don't know, my grandma moved in when I was 8, about a year and a half after my dad's passing, to help with things here and so they could be near my mom (the nurse and medical expert in the family) as grandpa wasn't in good health at the time. I don't really remember the transition being "rough" in terms of having them in the house, but I do remember thinking that Grandma would bake a ton of her famous cookies and cobbler. I didn't realize she would sometimes take on the role of disciplinarian, but she had to. This is NOT to say that she did not spoil me rotten. On cold winter mornings she would take my clothes and put them in the dryer so I could have warm clothes to wear before going out to the bus stop. She woke up early and made my breakfast and lunch every day. Yes, I know how lucky I was, my oh my! Grandma also set the example of the epitome of what it meant to be a Christian woman. I can't even describe the grace (her middle name) and poise she had in every situation. I could probably count on one hand how many times she complained. Her patience could only be described as saintly. When I was 11 and had my first migraine, she sat up with me and rubbed my head and neck until I fell asleep. I also remember a time I spilled an entire bottle of shampoo on my carpet and she spent hours scraping it out of the carpet while I freaked out thinking I'd get in trouble. She was the only one who could perfectly whip up the mashed potatoes, and I don't know if she ever used a baking mix. When my anxiety really got going around age 12, she was the one who could see through everything and sat with me. I also got mono at 12 and every day we sat in the dining room and drank tea and played double solitaire at 2pm (on the days I was too weak to go to school). She tried so hard to get me involved in youth groups and going to church, but my heart just wasn't softened yet to accept Christ. I believed in God, but I didn't truly believe if that makes sense. 

On Christmas day of 2005, we lost Grandma in her sleep. At 13 it was still my job to wake everyone up to open presents, and Grandma and Grandpa were the first people I went to. When I went to wake them up, Grandma didn't. She had gone to be with the Lord, and I can just envision the smile on her face and joy she must have felt when she met Him. On Christmas Eve, as I said goodnight, I somehow knew it was the last time I would kiss her warm cheek and hear the "tick tick" of her pacemaker- the most comforting sound in the world because it was Grandma. That night as I slept, I had a dream that she came into the room, kissed my cheek, told me she loved me and that she would never leave me. I remember waking up after that dream and looking at the clock which said it was between 2 and 3 am. When the paramedics came the next morning, they told my mom their best estimate of when she passed was between 2 and 3 am. I know that was no coincidence, and I was the only one she said goodbye to. I don't really believe in ghosts, but I know Grandma came to say goodbye that night. 

I'm not the biggest fan of decorating for Christmas, call me Scrooge but it annoys me to put up and take down all those decorations. I LOVE how beautiful they are when they're up. However, Grandma adored decorating for Christmas, she even changed the toilet seat lid to be one with a Christmas wreath painted on it. So this year, despite the fact that I spent hours fiddling with broken tree lights, and spending a good 45 minutes putting up the garland only to realize I put the outdoor and not the indoor, I decided I would have a happy heart as Grandma would have. I do miss her though; oh how my heart aches just thinking about it. I miss falling asleep with my head in her lap to the soft "tick tick" of her pacemaker, I miss watching her make her famous pie crusts, hearing the whirring of her sewing machine, her homemade chicken and dumplings, playing double solitaire, and just the calm nature of her presence. I wish she were here to play with Caroline- I can only imagine how many tutus and princess dresses Grandma would have made for her! 

Here we are almost 7 years later. I look back on the heart break, tears, anxiety, and yes, depression, that followed her death. God took Grandma from us on the same day we celebrate the birth of a Savior. God used that amazing woman to soften my heart to His love. Even though I miss her and every year on Christmas it feels like a little piece of me is missing, I know she so desperately wants me, and my family, to celebrate the birth of Christ and not mourn her death because she served Him in any way she could. Every time I hear Steven Curtis Chapman's "Do Everything," I think of Grandma; she did everything to His glory. I hope I age as she did, with poise, grace, patience, understanding, and the faith to get through anything. 


On another note, I've debated a lot about posting this, but I do believe in the power of prayer and there are many fewer people who read this than see things on Facebook, so I guess I'll post this for the prayers. During my freshman year, I found a lump in my breast that had to be removed. I was very scared and didn't tell many people about it. Praises to Him because it was a benign tumor. However, during my annual exam the doctor found two more lumps. The chances of them being benign are very high and very likely, but I still have some anxiety about the surgery. It's not a serious surgery, very invasive, and I'll recover in a few days (not a big deal), but I would still love some prayers for a safe surgery. 

More importantly, I ask that we all be in prayer for those who are mourning loved ones this holiday. No day is easy, but the holidays are a reminder of family togetherness, and mourning a loved one seems to be more painful at this time. Also, let us remain faithful in prayer for those who are celebrating their first holiday without a loved one because the first one is the most difficult. Let us all open our hearts to those who feel lonely on this holiday and pray that they may open their hearts to His abundant love and know that they are never truly alone. 

Smile, God loves you!