So it seems that lately I've been asked one question repeatedly and by several different people: "Have you every felt lost in your relationship with God?" As I ponder how to answer this question, I laugh to myself and think, "man have I ever." Just read some of my other blog posts and you'll see the frustration, anger, despair, hurt, anxiety, fear, and depression I've felt over the last year or so. But I can gladly and proudly say that all of this has strengthened my faith. And I can see now that God has worked diligently to craft me into someone who can become comfortable to witness to others. I used to keep my faith to myself because I didn't want to pressure others or seem as if I'm pushing my faith onto them. I've seen though, that as people know my heart and know that it lies in Jesus, they are open to ask me questions, and I must be open to answer them.
To think of myself as a witness is funny for me, because I've spent so much of my life feeling ashamed. Even the last 6 months as I learned to navigate through a broken heart I knew the whole time God was refining me. I know that tough times will never cease, but right now I can shout from the rooftops that I am redeemed!
So after answering people's first question, they ask another one: "How do you get through it?" And I look back and can say I have no idea. Sadly, it's in these times of feeling lost that we often begin to doubt our faith. I fought, and I fought hard, to keep my faith alive. I knew all along that God wasn't changing, He wasn't going anywhere, but I was the one who created the distance; I went away. My grandmother served as an incredible inspiration and role model in my life and really pushed me to know God's love. Unfortunately, I didn't come to know him until I was 16, but I did have the chance to observe my grandma and see what it was like to be a Christ-loving woman. Goodness, she radiated with His love. She was patient, kind, graceful, loving, and so much more. It makes me sad to think that I never got to talk to her about Jesus, but as Jackie says, we can confidently know that one day we will dance with her on golden streets and praise the Holy One. But anyway, this summer when things were tough my mom told me that my grandma went through a "lull" in her faith after she had been hospitalized. She felt abandoned by God and her ability to always feel Him seemed to diminish and she felt scared and alone. She spoke with a minister and he told her that we must remain faithful, and she did. Then one day she felt God again, and her faithfulness was rewarded. Now, I often fall short of the amazing woman my grandma was, but hearing that this amazing woman of God felt distanced gave me confidence. Now I've come out on the other side of a rough patch, and it's weird, one day I did just feel Him again.
I also had to realize that I had a choice to see Him. What helped the most was seeing Him in Caroline and Drew every day this summer. I would look at those sweet little faces and be reminded that they were the epitome of what God sees in His children: purity and innocence. I couldn't look at those little chickadees and think "Oh how wonderful, science created them." No, something much bigger and greater had to create them, and His name is God. I also saw Him in the people who surrounded me. The people in my life were able to specifically fulfill my needs of love, attention, companionship, a shoulder to lean/cry on, and more during the difficult time. It's no coincidence they were there; He put them there. It isn't coincidence that my hall is amazing this year. I prayed and prayed and prayed for these young girls, and each and every one of them holds a specific place in my heart- that's no coincidence. And my family...my oh my my beautiful family. We've been through so much and they are my rock and foundation and God certainly knew what He was doing when He created the crazy Rivard daughters.
I also looked at times in my life when God intervened: in my father's death, my grandparents moving in, my grandma's death, the friends I made, my joy in dancing, the way staying with Girl Scouts opened so many opportunities despite the ridicule, making a choice to go to Disney World when I was 17 and having my first love, going to UGA and not my "dream" school, becoming an RA, joining SAO, wanting to become a teacher, applying for a leadership position in SAO. And yes, now I can even say I saw Him in the fallout of that same relationship that started when I was 17. I can see Him in my anxiety and how that thing I don't love so much about myself strengthens my faith. Although there are some loose ends in my life, some more recent than others, I trust Him. When I use these examples in talking to the people who have questions for me, I can only hope they see how He has intervened in their lives.
Of course, it's all so easy for me to say now, after the fact, while they're going through something tough. So what's my answer, you get up, dust yourself off (no matter how many times it takes), and most importantly, you keep breathing and you keep walking. If you breathe and walk then you at least know you're fulfilling His will because you're alive. You may not want to be, you may not feel Him, you may hate Him, but you wouldn't be here if you weren't meant to be. If you look hard enough you'll see Him in those past situations as I have. That's how I answer these friends.
About two months ago I heard Mercy Me's "Bring the Rain" and it struck a cord. It's a beautiful song and the lyrics I feel appropriate for this time in my life are these:
So I pray...
Bring me joy, bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings You glory,
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me, what's a little rain
These lyrics always give me chills. Truly, what is a little rain? What happens after a rainstorm? Everything is wiped clean; it's fresh and new, the perfect time to get up, breathe, and walk.
I can praise God for what I've gone through. Especially in these last few months, He's brought some pretty amazing people into my life. So to my friends struggling, keep the faith. He will come through.
Smile, God loves you!
(And for that we have SO much to smile about!)
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