Perfection in Weakness

So I know this is like my second post in a few days, but stay with me, this is a message I think we could all benefit from hearing. The last few days have been rough for me...I was doing really well and then I just snapped and cried forever about things going on in my life (thank goodness for good friends who love me despite my insanity and will listen to my irrational crying fits and love me, and for a mommy who always listens!) Anyway, I told my mom last night on the phone that I just feel like God has forgotten about me. I comprehend that this isn't true, but convincing my brain to truly believe it is difficult: I see little things getting answered in my life, and I see doors being opened, but some days I don't feel like I'm any less depressed, some days I just think He forgets about the big things in my life that occupy the majority of my time and thoughts. My mom reminded me that God tells us He will never forget us, but this weekend I spent a lot of time being angry with God, and believe me, I told Him about it. 

Then this morning at church...

The basis of the sermon came out of 2 Corinthians 11 and 12, and the pastor pointed out that God delights in our weaknesses. And when you first think about it, that's really twisted, right? Gee, thanks, we're all sitting here struggling and you're delighting in my struggle. But then the pastor asked a question..."How often would you talk to God if you weren't struggling with the depression, the money struggles, the health problem, the intellectual issues, your social fears, feelings of inadequacy, etc.? How often would He hear from you? Is this issue in your life your main 'lifeline' with God?" WOW. Think about that for a minute. If you're like me then you're answer is, embarrassingly, well, I'd probably only talk to him about 1/4 of what I do now. And let's be honest, that's just plain sad. But the question wasn't posed to make us ashamed of ourselves, but it was asked to humble us. And it is SO humbling. It's in my weaknesses, and there are many, that I cling to my faith because there is nothing else in this world. It's in weakness that I get on my knees and have open communication with God. It's in my weakness that I look at everything in terms of His hand being on it because I want to truly see Him in my life. So, in truth, weakness is pretty darn powerful. And then I reflect on my life, when have I been closest with God? In times when I was deeply upset, when I couldn't see a way out, and when, for lack of a better term, I was quite miserable with myself. So I guess God is training me, and all of us, to remember that He isn't just there in our weakness. When we're ready He'll change it, He will answer us, but it will only happen when we're ready to pray to Him in all things, and not just in times of trouble. So join me in [the attempt] to wait patiently. 

Let's pray together:

Oh Heavenly Father we thank you for messages like this- messages that show us that in true pain YOU are revealed, that when it feels like there is nothing left there is GOD and JESUS. We pray Jesus is glorified in the pain, for none of us has or will ever experience the true pain He did when He gave His life for sinners like us. We pray we remain thankful for our weaknesses. We pray we can be a mirror and simply reflect your love and help hold others up when they feel they have nothing left, because we've been there and have seen what Your love can do. Let us be grateful for weakness; let us delight in it as you do. 

In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Smile, God loves you.

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." 

- 2 Corinthians 11:30

"I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses." 

- 2 Corinthians 12:5

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

- 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 

Take a Look, it's in a Book

The last few posts have had a lot to do with my issues surrounding my dad's death and a lot of the things I don't remember about him, but I do have a legacy of his embedded in me, and that is my love of reading/Literature. I, like my dad, have the ability to read 4 or 5 books at a time. Although the majority of my memories of my dad are vague, one thing I vividly remember are the stack of books that sat on his night stand. I am also blessed in the fact that my mother is also an avid reader, but my mom says my ability to read several books at a time comes from my dad. Anyway, I remember the first book I read was Goldilocks and the Three Bears, well...maybe I just had it memorized but I still count that as my first book. I also think my love of reading lies in the fact that my parents were wonderful enough to ALWAYS read to me when I was little, along with my sisters. My love for reading skyrocketed after my dad's passing; I escaped through every book. For just a few minutes I was able to get out of my head and go into a world all of my own. To this day when I'm feeling really anxious I still pick up a book and read. Lately though I've been reading Christian fiction/books, but this summer I conquered Gone With the Wind, and dang, I can't believe I waited 20 years to read that book. Let me give you an indication of how much I love to read/how much I do read: since May, I've read 14 books, including the 1400+ page Gone With the Wind.

I guess it was no surprise to anyone that I'd want to be a teacher. It gets frustrating when I tell people I want to be a teacher and they tell me "Oh...are you sure? It's hard." Excuse my juvenile thought process in my head "like no, duh." Granted I know I have NO idea how hard it will be until I get there, but God has put me on this path and it's a career I carefully consider and often ask Him "are you sure I can handle this?" and every day I'm met with "yes, little one, I've given this to you for a reason." When people ask me why I want to be a teacher, of course my first response is to touch lives, but I always want to show students the INCREDIBLE worlds that exist outside our own, all contained in one simple word: Literature. Books, books, and more books. Books are an escape, a coping mechanism, and quite the adventures. One minute you're in the depths and anguish of the Civil War with Scarlett O'Hara, the next you're going down a river with Huck Finn, and another moment you're with Elizabeth Benet in England. Oh the wonders of this incredible world! Clearly, I love books, and I dream of having a library in my house some day. I have too many pins on Pinterest of home libraries that I drool over. I can't even study in UGA's main library on any floor other than the first where there are no books because otherwise I'm too overwhelmed and just want to roam the shelves. Put me in a bookstore and I'm there for hours. I walk in, take a deep breath, smell that book-y smell, and I'm in my own heaven on earth. Please pardon my complete nerd moment I just had, but that's what I want to show students. How books can save your life. It doesn't matter where you are, you can get away, and it's as easy as picking up some pages bound together. 

Lately I've been thinking about a bucket list...I mean I'm 20 and have the whole world ahead of me, and one thing I've realized I really, truly want to do is write a book. I would love to be an English teacher for some time, have babies, then become an author (obviously the plan is husband first, babies second, but you get the idea). I guess this thing on the bucket list still depends on me getting my bachelor's and master's degrees, but a girl can dream. It kind of scares me to think about doing something like that, but I know God will see me through if it's part of His plan- we shall see. 

Prayers are much appreciated as I'm facing some big times of change in my life, and change is something I greatly struggle with. 

As always...

Smile, God loves you

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

-Romans 8:28

The Bible Men

One of my favorite days of the year here at UGA came and went this last week: the day when the Bible Men come. If you are a UGA student/faculty/staff member, you know exactly who I'm talking about. These men are older, in their 60s maybe, and come to the school one morning each semester and pass out New Testament Bibles with Psalms and Proverbs. They stand on essentially every corner and simply ask if you'd like a Bible. What kills me is the reaction they're given...one of rudeness, crudeness, disrespect, and sometimes pure meanness. It kills me because these are many people who say they are Christians that react this way. One girl in one of my English classes said, "I mean, I'm a Christian and all, but I love to just take the Bible, give it back to them, and watch the reaction on their faces. They thrust it on me so I thrust it back." Seriously? She lost me at "Christian and all," what is "all" anyway? I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean you "thrust" a Bible back in an older man's face. It just kills me. 

Sometimes these people could be referred to as "lukewarm" Christians. I'm guilty of it too sometimes; we all are. You say you're a Christian, but do you truly know the impact of Christ in your life? Do you know what it's really like to be redeemed, forgiven, favored, blessed, adopted, and chosen (another thing I got from Moore's book)? I think if you really did, you would appreciate these men more. You gladly watch and take the flyers from the Indian, Muslim, Atheist, Jewish, etc. groups, and you laughingly and jokingly take the condoms they hand out on Sexual Health days. I'm not saying anything against taking flyers from the above, if I have a right to talk about what I believe in a public setting they sure as anything do as well. I'm just asking if you're truly thinking about what you're doing when you choose to avoid eye contact when these men ask you if you would like a pocket sized Bible.

Another thing I hear: "I appreciate what they're doing, but they're everywhere." Guess what? God's everywhere. It may be annoying that they stand on every corner and you get offered a little green Bible every 5 minutes, but all you have to do is say "no, thank you," or "I already got one, thanks." Is that so hard? I bet if it was Jesus standing on every corner you'd think differently. And the truth? They're doing Christ's work standing on that corner in their Sunday best on a rainy Tuesday morning, so in a way they ARE Christ standing on that corner. Another thing, they're giving you the key to your salvation. The New Testament, the New Covenant... that little green book contains every answer, every promise, every single thing you need to hear and more. It contains endless pages of the greatest love you've ever known. It offers forgiveness, something we all need on a minute-by-minute basis. But instead, we look down, avoid eye contact, and keep walking.

We've all also seen the man that stands at Tate Plaza with a megaphone telling us all that we're condemned to hell because we go to college and are surrounded by liberal thinking, sex, alcohol, and the media. Well now, that's not the God I know, and although our sin could ultimately not bring us to heaven, I know that as soon as you've accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior you pretty much know you'll be headed for some golden gates once this earthly life is over. These men aren't that man. They smile, say "good morning" and "have a wonderful day." Soooo aggressive I know (not). 

I guess this is just another instance that brings out the hypocrisy of Christianity, not necessarily that we're the hypocrites, but if word got out that a devout Christian ever treated someone of another religion that way, it would just be another example of how elitist we believe we are, how superior our God says we are, etc...which is so far from the truth and the above is full of ignorance, but it's the cold, hard truth. 

I enjoy seeing these older men around campus because they remind me that God is everywhere and that God is love. They really could change someone's life simply by handing them a pocket sized book. God's word changes lives; His unending love changes lives- and these men represent them. My prayer is that these men do not get discouraged and that they are treated better with each visit they make to this campus and every campus they visit. This campus needs more love, that's for sure, and it certainly needs more God...but that's the thing...He IS love, and there is no escaping that.

Oh praise the one who paid my debt!

Smile, God loves you! (yes, you, no matter what lies Satan has put in your head. God loves you and there is nothing you can do to stray from that love. He will always love you. Romans 8:38 tells us that. Sorry for this, I just felt like someone reading this might need that : ])

"Yet [Abraham] did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." - Romans 5:20-21

Fear

I used to be a fearless child. When I was learning how to swim, I would beg not to wear my floaties, and the second my floaties were taken off (often when it was time to leave the pool) I would run full speed ahead and jump into the water. Someone of course would have to save me, but I had no fear- I knew someone would catch me and/or figure out how to get me safely on land. I also remember learning how to use the monkey bars one afternoon with my dad on the swing set in the backyard. As I tried to swing my arms forward I let both go instead of one and hit the ground with a huge thud. Yes, I cried a little, but then my dad made me laugh and I got back up and tried again. 

Things changed after my dad died, and I think understandably so. I became afraid of essentially everything. This fear is the root of the majority of my anxiety. My list of irrational fears is somewhat endless. My fear of college was so bad that my mom and I had a serious conversation about me taking a year off between high school and college and me just working and living at home. 

Even though I didn't become a believer until I was 16, I see God's hand in my life in so many things. I see His hand in the death of my father, in my grandparents moving in, in the death of my grandmother, in my dancing, in my participation in Girl Scouts and earning my Gold Award, in coming to UGA and not staying home, in staying at UGA despite the fact that I hated it and wanted to transfer to KSU. I see His hand in me joining SAO and finally feeling at home in this huge school, in my becoming an RA, in my somewhat not-so-great first year as an RA, in my friendships, in the amazing family I have, in me changing my major, in my much better year as an RA...I see His hand in all of these things, but only after they happen. I'm trying so desperately to see His hand in my life now. 

I was afraid of all of those things listed above, but God gave me the courage to come through on the other side, so I know I will come out on the other side of the fear I feel now, but dang...it's scary. God has opened so many doors for me since I came to college. I look at my life when I was 15, and I never could have imagined that I would be at UGA, in a Christian sorority, be an RA, and be in a major learning to be a high school English teacher. I also never thought I'd go to grad school, but that's looking like the direction I'm headed in. God has placed on my heart to be in a position of leadership in my sorority for the next calendar year, and that kind of scares me. He's also opened a door with a HUGE opportunity for me to study in England for a few weeks this summer. Again, SCARY. My life is nothing like I'd thought it'd be 5 years ago. So thinking about how different my life will be in another 5 years scares me senseless. I know it's silly, I know it is. I know I'm wound up really tight, I know the things that make me anxious are ridiculous. I know these things. I've also reached out to counseling on campus (as hard as that is for me to admit) and like every counselor I've ever seen, they tell me I'm much too hard on myself. It's normal to feel these emotions, but I just think of myself as having such a twisted view of things...I don't know. 

Lately people have told me that my spiritual gift is prayer, and I think they may be right. This last year I've seen my prayers for others come true, and that is so amazing and humbling at the same time...to think God bestowed that power upon me to speak with Him directly. Obviously God is bigger than I am, so He will ultimately do what is His good and pleasing will, but it's still awe-inspiring to see my prayers for others come true. But at the same time, these huge prayers I pray for myself...I'm gettin' nothin'. And that. is. frustrating. In Beth Moore's Believing God (I just finished it...you should all read it, seriously) she talks about how God commanded Joshua and the Israelites to walk around Jericho for 6 days and on the 7th day walk around the city 7 times, and then the wall surrounding the city would fall. No one can tell us why God made them walk for 7 days, wouldn't it just make sense for the wall to fall on the first day since it was going to fall anyway? But it isn't for us to know what makes God "tick". Beth Moore continues on saying that we are walking outside of our city of Jericho right now, waiting for the wall to fall. We must remain faithful and press forward because we never know when the wall will fall. So here I am, plugging along, waiting for this stinking wall to fall, and I'm scared that I will never see the day that it does fall. What if I spend my whole life walking around this city and the dang wall never falls-- that's frustrating. But I do remain faithful, because that's what I'm commanded to do. 

And I keep praying...and praying...and praying. I pray while I brush my teeth, while I walk to class, while I'm in the shower, while I'm in class, on the bus, doing homework, before I go to bed, and in the morning. I enjoy praying. Sometimes God won't let my mind settle at night until I pray for all of the people who've asked me to pray for them/God has placed on my heart. And I see their prayers answered, and that makes me feel good. Still though, I keep thinking "um hey God, when can my prayers for my life, like the BIG prayers, be answered?" But then I remember that it's not for me to know; it's all according to His great purpose. I know He's using this stage of fear/anxiety in my life as a time for me to witness to others. And man, He's shown me that. So many people have reached out to me telling me I inspire them through the words I write here, but let me place that glory on God. Without Him, I can't imagine what my life would be like. This body that I occupy is HIS, this mind is HIS, this life is HIS, and I pray He does great things with me. I realized the other day driving home that my name is Victoria Faith...Victoria meaning "conqueror; victory" and Faith meaning "confidence; trust; belief" so basically...Victory through belief. There it is, folks...my life in a nutshell (hopefully).

Smile, God loves you.

My go-to verse lately: 
"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone" -Colossians 4:2-6

And to mix things up, my go-to song. Enjoy the pick-me-up : ] 
"Long Way Home" by Stephen Curtis Chapman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1p-QfgkLow

This Day 14 Years Ago...

On this day fourteen years ago, my sisters and I lost our dad, my mom lost her husband, my grandmother her son, my aunts their brother, and many people lost a good friend. For some reason, this day this year has been much harder than in past years. Lately I've felt like I'm mourning the loss of my dad again, which they say happens as you get older, and it's natural, but let me frank...it sucks.

I only had 6 years with my dad, but in those first 6 years I knew my daddy loved me and would do anything for me. I have fond memories of playing Beauty and the Beast with my rocking horse, pretending to be pirates with stick-swords on the back swing set, attempting to learn how to ride a two-wheeler, trips to Dairy Queen after pre-school, learning that "a Rivard NEVER lies," and eating bologna sandwiches. My favorite memories of this time as being a family of six consist of sitting around the dinner table. I remember giggling, hearing about everyone's days, and table manners. My dad always emphasized family, family is your priority, and you do anything for those that you love. My dad also taught me how to play "war" the card game, chased me around the house with sweaty T-shirts, and so much more. My dad gave me my nickname "Vickie Faye" and no one really calls me that, it was a name reserved especially for Daddy.

The day my dad died haunts my memories, and it probably will forever. But that's OK, because I had an amazing father figure for the first 6 years of my life. I've realized through all that I've been going through in the past few months that I have a lot of unresolved issues revolving around my dad's death, and I think that's why I'm having such a hard time working through whatever it is I'm going through. This last month I have missed him so much, and it's been so hard not to think about how my life would be if he were here. I know I wouldn't be who I am, and I can see God's hand in all of this, but I still can't help but ask "why?" I know many of my fears, anxieties, and depression symptoms are rooted in my dad's death, and I'm hoping that with counseling and God's guidance and love, I can one day say I've overcome these things.

One thing about today though, it makes me realize what an AMAZING woman I have to call as my mom. If you don't know my mom, you should. For those who know my mother, you know the incredible love she has that radiates through a room. My favorite smell in the whole world is the smell of my mom. That may sound weird, but I know many of you think the same way. There is just something so comforting about my mom's distinct smell. I don't know if it's her lotion, the faint smell of sterilizer (from the hospital where she works), her make up, perfume, or maybe a combination, but there isn't anything I find more comforting. My mom listens to every complaint I have, wipes away too many tears to count, has fixed so many boo-boos, and is the one person I always want to hold me when I cry. She's the first person I call when I have good news, and she always has the right words to say. God knew what He was doing when He placed my mom in the role that she has as a single mother. I don't know how she's done it. I think I was about 15 before it really occurred to me that not only did I lose my dad, but my mom lost her husband and love of her life. I'll say it over and over again- I don't know how she has done it or does it every day. She dealt with four girls handling their father's death in extremely different ways, she raised 3 teenagers at the same time. My mom did whatever she could to ensure that we could each still be involved in whatever extracurriculars we wanted to be. My mom has made sacrifices and so much more. If you ask her how she has done it, she will say she didn't do it alone- talk about being humble! Yes, she had help, but she was at the forefront of it all. She never missed a game, a recital, a play, she sat front and center cheering the whole time. As a nurse, my mom has touched countless people's lives. Her hands heal through God's touch. She gets countless cards and gifts of thanks from her patients, and not every nurse can say that. My mom has set an example of humility, strength, compassion, patience, and so much more. I know my dad must look at my mom from heaven and think "wow, I couldn't have picked a better woman to spend my life with than Pam." My mom's big heart doesn't stop with her children, she took in our friends when they needed places to stay, whether it be for a holiday, while their parents were away on business, for the summer, or for a few months to get away from home. My mom loves making big meals-and thank goodness because we're now a family of 13 1/2 (with baby Workmon #3 on the way). My mom is the most selfless person I know. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of woman she is. If I can be half the woman my mother is, I've been successful.

Yes, I miss my daddy. Today was a rough day, and I know it was for my mom, my aunt, and my sisters. I get sad thinking of all of the things my dad has missed, but then again, I know he's watching us. But in this sadness, I can be grateful for the amazing woman I have as a mother.

Smile, God loves you.

In the world, of the world, what's the difference?

We live in a dark world. It's the cold, hard truth. This darkness is never more evident than at a college football game. Disclaimer: I love UGA, I love UGA football, but in our song the words are "ain't nothin' finer in the land than a drunk, obnoxious Georgia fan." We, as Georgia fans, are notorious for being rude, whether we win or lose. Yesterday was the UGA vs. FAU game, and it's one of the few home games I get to go to this season, so of course I went. As you all know, I experienced a large renewing of faith this summer, and my life has changed, so I guess that's why my eyes have been opened to this darkness more now than in my last two years at Georgia.

There is nothing in the Bible against drinking, and I, personally, am not against it. I have many friends that drink, and I plan on doing so, and I don't mind being around people who drink. BUT my "style" is much more about people who drink socially and have a good time, not act a fool and trashy when you can't walk straight or know you won't remember today, tomorrow. Now, hanging out around alcohol is somewhat difficult for me because I am in a position of leadership. I don't want my residents, or others who know I'm an RA, to get the wrong impression of me, or think I'm a hypocrite for the example I'm trying to set. The same goes for my SAO sisters. So while it's so hard to not be around it on game days, I do my best to always have a bottle of water in my hand, and not the infamous solo cup, even if it is only filled with soda. I know that, but others don't. It really gets under my skin when there are people in my same-type leadership position, who have 30-40 18 year old freshmen looking up to them, and they succumb to the darkness of this world and act foolish while drinking alcohol. The Bible warns against its excess, not its existence.

The darkness continues as you walk to the stadium and here the F-bomb issued every 5 seconds, hear students being disrespectful to alumni, and seeing parents so drunk they don't notice their two year old getting lost in the crowd. Now, in order to sit in the student section at UGA, you must show your ID and get a special wrist band. I don't know what the heck was going on last night, but they only allowed the students to enter through one section (this disorganization is a blog post in and of itself, so I won't get into that). It was like a mob, people yelling "LET US IN!" and pushing forward. My friends and I got separated and of course no one has service inside the stadium, but I just wanted to know why everyone could not just take a deep breath and be patient while we all tried to get inside the beloved Sanford Stadium. Oh yea, the majority of them were drunk. Then you have the 35 year old who has his student ID from 1995 trying to get into the student section for the sole purpose of hitting on freshmen girls. EWWW.

Sometimes I just think we all need a reminder that we do not stop being Christians during a football game. We get sucked into games, and I understand that we get angry and a curse words slips out, I'm guilty of it. Getting angry with the game is one thing, but you don't need to yell obscene words at the players, push and shove those next to you, get hammered, and then pretend everything is OK in church on Sunday morning.

Romans 12:2 and John 15:19 tell us that God calls us not to be of the world, but in the world. And I think this is something I struggle with immensely. We are to live in the name of Christ, and do everything while trying to honor God, the father. It's hard to look at these people on game day in Athens and remember that they are God's people. It's hard not to judge them, but I do sometimes. Yesterday as I was tailgating my heart was literally breaking for this world. I mentioned this summer that I often have dark thoughts about my life, but lately these thoughts have turned into, "man, I just wish I were in Heaven already." I could happily watch my family and friends, but I would be with Jesus, where there is no pain. I could dance on golden streets with my grandma and my dad, and wait for the days when my family would join me. Building 429, a Christian group, have song lyrics that say, "take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong. All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong." And it was all I could do to sing that in my head yesterday. I don't know how to be in the world. How do I invest in people and not care about their salvation? While I struggled with this so much last night and prayed about it all evening...

What was the message about at church this morning? 2 Corinthians 5:11-21, where Paul directs the people in the church of Corinth to do all things in Christ's name, and never give up and never stop praying. God's funny, huh? I like to take notes during the sermon, that way I'm sure to pay attention and I can better reflect on the sermon when I have my quiet time before bed, so here are a few of today's highlights. Pastor Carlos opened with a question: "What are we, in today's world, doing to make sure others come to eternal life and glory?" Paul says we should try to persuade men. Not persuade in a sense that my belief is better than yours, but show them the amazing-ness that is eternal life in Christ, and show them what God's love is. We are to do this with a sound mind. We do this in response to the love of Christ because it compels us to do so. Here's the hard part: we are to regard NO ONE from a worldly point of view. It's not "just my boss" or "just the girl in my class" or "just the boy who serves food in the dining hall". They're children of the Almighty. We are to "report to duty" and pour into this people. We work as Christ's Ambassadors to reconcile others because He reconciled us. We are to pray for these people and never give up on them. This isn't easy. I struggle, man oh man, I struggle. I guess I'm asking for those of you who read this to help me be in the world and not of it, to invest but not become invested. How do you all do it? What makes it easier?

Smile, God loves you.

"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father will be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."
-John 14:13-14

Making a Difference

When I was about 13, just around the time I was getting diagnosed with anxiety, I was beginning to question my purpose in this world. Hey, it was middle school, and no one quite knows who they are yet (heck, I still don't.) My grandma suggested that I write down my life goals and work towards them, then she told me to tuck them away and take them out from time to time. So I wrote down my life goals, most of them were mediocre: fall in love, get married, become a mom, but one of them wasn't so mediocre: change a life.

I stated in a previous post that I don't take compliments well, and I don't. I also don't share this goal with many people, but at an SAO recruitment event this last Sunday, we were asked to share a goal, and I shared that one. My sweet friend Sarah stopped me and said, "but Victoria, you change lives every day, just by being an RA." And through this depression I've had so many people reach out to me saying that I've made an impression on their life, but the thing is, I can't seem to believe it. Yes, I've been doing much better in terms of this depression, but I've also had to realize that I've been this deeply depressed for over a year but I just denied it. I've twisted myself into thinking that I'm not good enough, that I don't touch any lives, and that I shouldn't be here. I can see the fact that I'm helping people, that's evident in just the little questions I answer on a day-to-day basis: "Which bus do I take?" "How do I get in touch with my advisor?" "How do I load money onto my Bulldog Bucks account?" etc. etc. But honestly, I know any number of the RAs on campus that could answer those questions just as readily and successfully. I know in my heart that the voice telling me that is Satan, and I know that, it's believing it that's the issue. I know God put me in this building, in this hall, specifically for the 26 young women I live with, but it's so hard for me to truly believe it. All future plans for my life went completely out the window, and I realized that for the last however many years that I've been depressed without noticing it, I've missed out on my life. I've spent so much time planning the future that I failed to enjoy each day. Sometimes I feel like I just rush through the day so I can crawl into my bed in a heap of utter exhaustion, only to toss and turn all night thinking and being anxious, and then the cycle starts all over again. I have been making a concentrated effort to live life day by day. Lately I've considered my day a success if I was actually able to figuratively keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've allowed Satan to control so much of how I think, feel, and act, and that's not OK. I'm working really hard to not make it that way. One thing Jackie asks Caroline when she's misbehaving is if she's being kind. When Caroline is "disrespectful" (in 2 year old terms) Jackie's first response is, "Caroline, are you being kind?" and then Caroline usually says "no" and then Jackie, or Andrew, explains what the kind response to a situation would be. I often ask myself this question throughout the day..."Victoria, are you being kind?" I do it with my thoughts too, especially when I get annoyed with people. Was that thought a kind thought, if it wasn't, how I can I turn it into one? It's difficult. I try to answer every question with kindness and a smile. Sometimes all I can do is smile and be kind while I'm fighting my anxiety behind my exterior. I hope that maybe, just maybe, this action and behavior will help me to convince myself that I am changing, or at least making an impression, on people's lives. The devil LOVES to make me feel insecure. He constantly tells me that I'm ugly, fat, rude, unwanted, undeserving, unworthy, not friendly, and the list goes on and on. But at least if I smile that something I know people will look at, which takes away my worries about my exterior appearance, and if I'm kind I'm not being rude or not friendly. I just wish I could believe that I'm changing lives when God uses people to reaffirm that through their conversations with me.

When I get into bed at night, I ask myself whether the day was Satan's or God's. If I know that I at least tried to hand my thoughts over to Him, allow Him to motivate my actions, or glorified Him, then the day was His. I put a sign beside my bed that says, "Satan CANNOT have this day," and I touch it every night before I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake up (and sometimes in the middle of the night when I can't sleep). I believe in the almighty and all powerful Lord. I don't doubt Him, His power, His love, His mercy, or His plan, but I do doubt myself, and all things about myself. But hey, at least I'm trying.

Smile, God loves you.

Psalm 121
"I lift my eyes up to the hills,
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
He who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
will never slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
The Lord is the shade at your right hand'
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore."