Missing You

September is always a hard month for me; it marks however many years ago my dad died. Now, I'm not a person to typically harp on dates, but giving that this was such a huge event in my life it always affects me. This past September 19th marked 13 years since my dad died. It's hard, it really is. It's hard because I was 6, and didn't really get to know him. I knew he loved me. I knew he loved my sisters. I knew he loved my mom. And the majority of the time, knowing those 3 things is enough. Sometimes though, it's not. I've learned over the years from asking questions that when he was little he wanted to be an Astronaut when he grew up, his favorite color was red, the marines was where he learned to smoke, he had a dog named Prince who was his best friend growing up. As I pass each big milestone in my life I wish he was here: getting my driver's license, getting accepted into college, and my high school graduation. It's hard in knowing he isn't going to walk me down the aisle, my children will never know their grandfather. Each time I look at Caroline and Robby I wish my dad were here, to play with them, to comfort them, to spoil them, it hurts. I do have the memories. Like going to the pool with him, playing pirates on the swingset in our backyard, going to Dairy Queen after pre school, playing beauty and the beast, going on neighborhood runs, car trips, and him bringing home donuts after he worked the graveyard shift. They're comforting, but sometimes they aren't enough.

It's hard being in a relationship without your dad too. I so wish Bobby could have met him. I know they could have sat down and talked about History for hours on end. I see so much of my dad in Bobby, heck, they even have the same name. And I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship with a boy who accepts the fact that I'm awkward around male authority figures. I've had to learn a lot of things the hard way about boys. But luckily, Bobby accepts my faults, and the fact that I'm naive when it comes to guys.

I, like every other person, have good days and bad days. Today was one of those days when I just missed him a lot, and the memories of the day he died flooded my brain. I don't like to talk about that day, no one would, but I recently answered some friends' questions about what happened so that's probably why a lot of this has surfaced. I still love him, and I know he still loves me. I know what happened is part of God's plan, and although it has taken me 13 years, I accept it. I am so blessed in every other aspect of my life. But sometimes...I'm still that little girl on a swingset, waiting for her daddy to come play with her. Sometimes, I just need to sit back and remember the wonderful man who is my father, and cherish every memory I have.

Distance

To be blunt, distance sucks.

I hate distance. I hate Pennsylvania. I hate Gettysburg. But...I love the boy who is distanced from me, and the boy who goes to school in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. I don't know how these men and women have husbands and wives in the military and are separated for extended periods of time. It's been 5 weeks since I've seen Bobby, and we have another 2 to go, but my heart hurts so badly I can barely stand it. I am grateful he is not in a war-torn country, I am grateful in knowing he will come home. I am grateful in knowing he is safe. But, I'm whining and just miss him. It's crazy to think that a year ago I was crying because I missed him in a different way, and I think that's what makes this hard. I get anxious because I'm away from him and this feels like last year, but then all he has to do is say "I love you," and it's all OK. A year and a half is a long time for people our age to be together. Yes, we had a 5 month "hiatus," but we've been together longer than we were apart. And we both spent those 5 months longing to talk to each other but being to scared to do it. It's also hard when I have people telling me I'm crazy all the time for trying this. OK people, I know I'm crazy. I know I'm stupid, naive, ignorant, whatever. I take what you have to say, but honestly, you don't know our relationship. We've been through a lot in the past year and a half, and we've grown stronger in our love because of it. We don't depend on each other, we depend on God. I know this is what He wants for us, I know I am where I am supposed to be in my life, but it's so hard. I don't know where the future takes us, I don't know what God's plan is, but right now I love that crazy, funny, sweet, boy who is a thousand miles away. So if you or someone you know has a loved one fighting overseas, tell them they're amazing. Especially if they have babies. I don't know how they find the strength to do it.

Sincerely,

Me.

Two Postings in a Row

Okay Okay, I know...two nights in a row Victoria, seriously? Sorry, I just finished my quiet time for the day, and I just have a few things I'd like to share with the world.

Lately I've been reading Isaiah. By lately, I mean I started it at the beginning of the summer and kind of left off somewhere in the 40th chapter until the Lord recently brought me back to the wonderful book of Isaiah. I've been struggling a lot lately with being lonely and in missing Bobby, plus there are always people on my heart. So tonight I read 45 and 46, and here are some of the highlights I made:

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord." - 45:3
Wow. Here God is, flat out telling us that He will hide special things for us. You know the expression, "there's always light at the end of the tunnel"? Where here is the light people. Right there, in scripture. God is saying there are treasures in darkness. We just have to be patient (eh, sucky, right?) and know that somewhere in our time(s) of darkness, God has a treasure in store, if not just you getting out of the darkness.

"I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me." -45:5
You know that little box I was talking about in yesterday's post? That's what I'm talking about. Yet, He still strengthens us even though we ignore and push His away.

"you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." -46:4
Again, wow. He planned your conception, your birth, and everything in between. He will never let us go. He is the only one there witnessing every tiny second of your life. He will sustain us and rescue us.

"What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do.
Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted, you who are far from righteousness. I am bringing my righteousness near, it is not far away; and my salvation will not be delayed." -46:11-13
The plan. Even though right now I may be in a time of darkness, and I am so stubborn that I try (and fail) to do things my own way, His will will succeed. Right now I am in a tunnel of darkness, and those that weigh heavily on my heart are too, but His salvation will not be delayed. He is God and He cannot be stopped. He will save us.

***On a side note, if you ever want prayer, PLEASE tell me, Facebook, phone, email, anything. I'm yours. I believe in the power of prayer.

The Glory of it All

Sometimes, life throws something at you that makes you want to curl up in a ball and wait until it's over. It happens, that's life, right? That's what we say to make ourselves feel better. "Time heals all wounds." "No matter what, it'll be ok." As the person hearing those words of advice you think, "yea, right, easy for you to say." But no, these sayings are true. I'm a Christian, so of course I believe that everything will be OK. That's what we're told to believe...because it's true. Sometimes, God throws you a curve ball, one you're not expecting. But the glory is that He knows what's happening next. He knows what the end result will be. I believe He may not necessarily know precisely how you'll act. He created us to think for ourselves. But in the end, He knows what decisions we'll make. Alas, we do make mistakes. We sin. We're imperfect. Thank you, Eve, for eating that fruit. Truly, thank you. Because if Eve had never done that, we would never know pain. But we do know pain. We know it all too well. Sometimes it's dull and achy, it's that nagging voice in the back of our hearts. Sometimes it rips you open and tears you into a million little pieces. Pain breaks your heart, it breaks your mind, body, and soul. But if Eve had never listened to the serpent, we would not know God's grace. We would not know His righteousness. We would not know His redemption. That's the glory, God could have seen what Eve had done and cursed her for eternity. But He, being the loving God that He is, said "no, I'll punish you for what you've done, but I'll make something positive out of it." When we mess up, God is there to pick up the pieces. We ask for forgiveness and repent, and Jesus saves us. I sin, you sin, but I do not judge you, because my sin is just as great as yours. You see, this is the glory, we're forgiven. God loves us SO much that we mess up miserably, so much we can't even look at ourselves in the mirror, but He forgives us. We sin and turn away from Him. We put Him in a little box sometimes and only take Him out when we need Him. But He does not complain, He waits, patiently, loving us...waiting for us to remember that we need Him, and that His love conquers all. He redeems us. He forgives us. He tells us that it will all be OK. And it will. He will forgive us. He will allow time to heal our wounds. If you believe, it will all be OK in the end.

So if you've messed up, screwed up, made a mess of yourself, if you've had a bad day, been thrown that awful curve ball, or you've made a decision that will change your life entirely...
Remember, He loves us anyway.

And that is the GLORY of it ALL.

A Few Complaints

Precede with Caution.

I just needed to vent, and this post is nothing personal. I know it seems silly to address these things because I have so much to be thankful for, and I do not want to feed of the negativity in my life; feeding off one's negativity leads to unhappiness. I know these things; however, I have a few complaints/ pet peeves I just need to get off my chest. Please do not think me a horrible person. Feel free at anytime to stop reading if I'm seeming too much like a negative Nancy.

Boys, please do not talk about the intimate details of what you and your girlfriend did this past weekend in the dining hall. What you two do on your personal time is personal time and is personal. That girl does not deserve for you to talk about those details in a public setting or to "brag" about them to your guy friends. Respect her more than that. And the same goes for you too, Ladies.

When you get on a very crowded bus, get off your phone. When I am so close to you that I can hear the F-bombs the other person is dropping as a part of his/her daily conversations, I'm too close and you shouldn't be on your phone anyway.

If you don't like your job, please don't complain about it every 5 seconds. Especially the job as an RA. We knew taking this job that we would often be under-appreciated. However, I think the majority of the people in the workforce would say they aren't appreciated enough. And as an RA, you knew the job you were signing up for. We all need our vent sessions, myself included, but there is a difference between having a 15 minute vent session and complaining each time you have a late night, don't get all of your homework done, didn't get enough sleep, had to be on duty, or had a policy violation of some sort. It will be ok.

I guess just in general, I think that we've lost common courtesy, and we often do not appreciate what we have. I know, I know, a few weeks ago I had a venting post about how crazy busy I was. But I appreciate this job. I appreciate the young women on my hall; they're amazing. I'm extremely blessed that they escort their guests, don't bring strange young men on the hall, respect each other, and more. Being an RA, even for just the 8 weeks that I've had this job, I've learned so much. Mostly, I am grateful for the way I was raised. With my dad's passing, my sisters and I had to take on a lot of responsibilities- obviously my sisters took on those responsibilities earlier than I did, but I had my share when I got older. I'm grateful for each and every circumstance of my childhood. My mom always stressed counting our blessings. When my anxiety was at its height when I was younger, my mom would crawl in bed next to me while tucking me in and say "OK Victoria, what are 5 blessings that you have?" As these past two months have been crazy, I find myself thanking God for my blessings so I do not become so negative. College is not only academically hard, but it's hard in a social context. It's hard to grasp that people do not automatically think to get off the phone on a crowded bus or elevator. It's frustrating. To all of the college freshman out there, remember that. Remember that not everyone was raised the same way you were. Take a deep breath and move on. I've had my complain time for the day, so I'm taking a breath, and moving on. I'm grateful I have a job, I work with amazing people, I go to a great school, and I have the most wonderful family and friends. Count your blessings.

You CAN go Home Again.

You know that saying, "You Can't go Home Again"? Well, I think it's just wrong; then again, I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful, loving family to go home to. I loved going home last year because I got homesick, wanted my own room, etc. But this year, I love going home because it's keeps me grounded. As I said in my previous post, this year so far has been rough. I like to be constantly busy (believe it or not it keeps my anxiety down), but here in Athens I let myself get so caught up in being the best RA I could be and getting great grades, and getting more involved in SAO that I forgot about what's truly important in my life. I sat in almost 3 hours of traffic on Friday which only added to my stress, but the closer and closer I got to my house I found I had to force myself to watch my speed because I just wanted to be home. Walking into my house I literally felt like I let out a breath I'd been holding for a month. Smelling the smell of my house and seeing the familiar pictures and grandfather clock just made me want to melt. Then up walked G in his "Georgia Grandpa" shirt that he put on because I was coming home. I felt like the moment I hugged my mom everything just flooded away. I didn't want to leave today because I knew I'd walk back into my crazy life. Who knew going home would be a vacation? Alas, I'm back in my room at UGA, grateful to be alive after the scariest drive of my life to get here. But as I drove in through the tornado sirens thinking I was going to die, I couldn't help but worry about my residents and if they would know what to do when the sirens went off. I called another RA and asked her to check on my girls. I know this is where I'm supposed to be in my life. I love my residents, and I pray for them endlessly, I want them to succeed, I want them to make friends, join clubs, tell me how their day is, and more. But, I still miss my Mommy. It's easier to come back to UGA from home as a sophomore than it was as a freshman, but I think I appreciate my home much more now than  I did then.

You Can go Home Again...

Whirlwind of Fear.

This is going to be a typical "blog" post. Full of emotion, cheesy, etc. So if that turns you off I won't be offended by you not reading this.

I've been in Athens for almost a month, and that's insane. Being and RA is an experience. Experience, yes, I guess that's what I'll call it. The Lord called me to be an RA and man is He testing me. Two of my sisters and my mom were RAs and nothing they ever said could have prepared me for this. It's nice to feel needed by people, and all of my friends say I was born to be a mother, because I like taking care of people. However, it's hard to walk that fine line between being a friend to my residents and also having to serve as an authority figure for certain situations. All of the returning RAs say it will get better, and right now it's just overwhelming but it will calm down. Between 2 meetings each week, a private meeting with my supervisor every other week, programs, Roommate Agreements, and duty every other Wednesday and some Thursdays, and keeping up with my residents and trying to be available, I'm overwhelmed. Not to mention the fact that you know, as an English Ed major you kind of read a lot. A lot. And SAO, which I LOVE. Recruitment started tonight and it was so nice to meet some potential new members. It's crazy that that was me this year. I'm excited to get to know the new girls and can't wait to see what God has in store for them and for the sisters. But, that's also really time consuming through mid-September. I feel like I'm drowning about 90% of the time. I'm like a duck in the water, fine on top and pretend everything's great, but beneath the surface my feet are going a million miles a minute.

Now on the subject of Bobby. Pennsylvania is far. He came up here for the day on Saturday to say goodbye, and it was hands-down one of the hardest things I've done. I tried so hard to protect myself this summer from feeling the heartbreak I knew would come; I often pulled away and really made Bobby work hard to pull me back in. But upon saying goodbye he wrote me this beautiful letter (I hope he's ok with me saying that), and I lost it. Everything I'd been protecting myself from came back up and I was a mess. It was a tearful goodbye on both ends. He's in Gettysburg now and is doing well. It's hard, loving someone. We both know the heartbreak that came along with our breakup a year ago. I often thought, and still sometimes do, that it'd be easier just to break up. But crying all the time because I miss him really gives me insight: if I hurt so badly and I still get to talk to him and skype him (thank God for technology, I don't know how they did it before), what would it be like if I didn't get those things? I feel silly because I cry in my room a lot and then a resident needs me and I pull myself together and act like I'm fine, I guess I've gotten really good at that over the years. It's hard when a lot of other people say we're stupid and crazy for trying the distance, but when you love someone, you'll do whatever it takes. It's also hard because my mom and dad did long distance, Jackie and Andrew did, and Courtney and Thomas did. I know, I know, believe me, Bobby and I are not naive in knowing the odds are stacked against us. I cry all the time and it stinks cause I'm reminded of our break up a year ago. If you would have told me a year ago that Bobby and I would break up for 5 months and then get back together, I'd laugh. But here we are, once again trying this distance. We've grown so much in a year, and this time we've truly dedicated our relationship to the Lord. We did fine the last 3 months of the school year last year, but Marietta is much closer to Athens than Gettysburg. I'm reminded how much he and I need to turn to God. He has a greater plan. But man, He's really testing me. I guess this is a reminder of the fact that I need to put a lot more into my relationship with Him.  I'm also reminded again of how amazing Taylor is. Yet another year in our 14 year friendship has gone by. We're both suffering broken hearts from distance. We always seem to go through phases together. I can't wait to see what this 15th year has in store for me and Tay.

For now...
blessings and love.