I turned 21 yesterday, a day I waited for a long time for. The day before my birthday I went running errands buying a few last minute things for my party, and as I drove home I was struck with such a sense of peace, and realized that for the first time in so long, I am content and so happy with my life. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up last year, 3 days before my 20th birthday, so, needless to say, my 20th birthday wasn't the best...and then you all know how this last year has gone.
I sat in my car for a moment in awe of the King. He has changed my life in countless ways. I had such a wonderful birthday, apart from me snapping at my friends at one point because of my insecurities, but they quickly put me back on track. I had so many friends drive in from out of town, and them doing that meant so much to me. I cried in my car yesterday because I was so happy. When is the last time I said I cried from happiness? I can't remember either.
I'm currently reading Fearless by Max Lucado, and in the book he addresses the different fears we have and how Jesus conquers them. I like his approach to writing because he talks about how fear is healthy and normal; it keeps us from reaching for a hot pan, from diving off too high of a cliff, etc. But when fear keeps us from enjoying the lives God has destined for us (ie- worrying about money, where our lives will be in 5 years, how our families are doing, and not being in control), it inhibits us from receiving all that He can give. For a long time now I've felt like God was trying to tell me something, and I couldn't quite articulate it, and when I felt frustrated I felt Him saying "wait," so I did. It's been a few months since that feeling started, and today it all clicked. In the last week or so I've realized I'm content being single as long as I fulfill myself with Jesus. I'm 21 years old, I can be selfish in my dating life, and I can have fun along the way. The desire to be a wife and mother burns so brightly in my heart that I know God will give an amazing Christian man when the time is right, but I digress...
As I was reading Fearless today, I was reading a chapter in which Lucado addresses parental fear and worry over children. He discusses Jairus's situation in Luke, and how Jairus's daughter was dying and he ran to Jesus and asked him to heal his daughter. By the time Jesus, Jairus, and His followers arrived, the little girl was already dead. Now, I can't relate to the worry a parent feels, but hidden in this chapter was the message God has been preparing me for these last few months as "Jesus took her by the hand and called, saying, 'Little girl, arise'" (Luke 8:54). Lucado uses a different version of the Bible, which is why I think this all clicked.
Little girl, arise.
I broke down and couldn't stop crying. On that night a little less than a year ago, as I sat on the kitchen floor with a knife above my wrist, I waited so desperately to hear His voice calling me to stay on the earth, to tell me it was worth it, that I was worth it, and because of how far I'd fallen I couldn't hear Him. But throughout every step along the way, He encouraged me by placing people in my life, allowing my testimony to affect others, and rewarding me in ways I couldn't have imagined. Even as I write this I can't help but cry. I remember feeling something on that night, but not knowing what it was, and now I do. There was a teeny, tiny voice in the back of my head that kept me from taking my life, and I can finally articulate what it was, despite the fact that I denied it back then. It was the voice of my Savior, quietly saying, "little girl, arise," and I chose life.
I spent months being angry with God. I couldn't pray because I was mad, so all I did was write down what I was thankful for, what I could praise Him for, and some days all I could be thankful for was a family that loved me, a roof over my head, and a full belly (of course, that in and of itself is SO MUCH to be grateful for). Slowly my heart softened, I could open my Bible again, I could do a daily devotional. I clung to my quiet time at the end of the day, because it was the only time I felt calm. I prayed all day long, but still, I got angry and hurt and confused. I even tried not to be a Christian for a day, and clearly that worked out well. But with every night I spent crying myself to sleep, every morning I didn't want to get out of bed, every time I sat sobbing on my bedroom floor, every angry thought I had, every bout of anxiety, the still, small voice called to me, "little girl, arise."
I couldn't articulate what He was saying until now, but something propelled me forward, helped me fall asleep at night, got me out of bed in the morning, made me dry my tears, calmed my anxious thought, and it was my Prince, calling to me, telling me that I was worthy and loved. I have come so far in a year. As I went "out on the town" last night in this town I never thought I'd be in, at a school I never wanted to go to, as I was surrounded by people who loved me and have become a huge part of my world, I couldn't help but silently thank the Lord for all He's done. A year ago I thought I'd be married by 23. I realize that's not what I want now, because it's not what He wants for me just yet. A year ago I never thought I'd want to write a book, and now that desire burns brightly within me. A year ago I sat crying over a broken 2.5 year relationship, and today I rejoice that it ended and can see the beauty and love I shared with a young man, and be grateful for all he taught me. A year ago my anxiety consumed my life. Today, although at times it consumes me, it does not dictate my day-to-day life. Every step of this journey God has coached me, saying "little girl, arise."
Today I arise from the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the confusion, the desperation, the depression, and the anxiety. Today, I arise because my King calls me to. I don't know what I've done to deserve this beautiful life I lead, but I am forever on my knees thanking Him.
I know I won't always feel this way. I will get angry, disappointed, confused, anxious, stressed, and perhaps even depressed again, but I will have those emotions knowing I'll be happy again, because Jesus will be calling to me,
"Little girl, ARISE."
Smile, God loves you!!!
love this.
ReplyDelete