Anxiety

I've been pretty up-front about my anxiety on here since I started this blog, but I also think anxiety is greatly misunderstood. I've had friends tell me they never thought anxiety really existed until they met me. Anxiety is debilitating, and mine is nothing compared to what some people suffer with. I can remember being anxious after my dad died, almost immediately. I was mostly anxious that I would lose my mom or sisters, which I think is pretty normal for anyone after they lose someone they love, but I was always anxious when my mom or sisters left. I can also remember calling my mom while she was at work several times a day. Thank goodness my mom worked with a wonderful group of nurses, now her best friends, who understood and were so kind to me. Not all coworkers would willingly talk to a six-year-old and tell them her mommy was with a patient but was OK. 

I also had a terrible anxiety of breaking the rules. I was that kid, the tattletale. It wasn't that I thought the other kids were bad, it's that I never wanted anyone to get into trouble. This idea of following the rules has followed me my whole life, although I know things are much more grey than black and white. 

The anxiety got bad when I was about 12. I went out to visit Courtney in California for Spring Break in 7th grade and I came back and I remember Grandma and Mom sitting me down and talking to me about how they think I needed to go talk to someone. I think at that point it was more depression rooted in my anxiety, but then a whole different can of worms was opened when my grandma died. 

My junior and senior years of high school were when my anxiety really started affecting my every day life, and I stopped sleeping. For about two years I ran on about 4 hours of sleep a night. I know SO many people do this, but if you know me well, I am not a very nice person when I'm tired. A lot of that anxiety was about the SAT, ACT, and where I would go to college. Then senior year...I was so anxious about going away to school. Selfishly, I was afraid of what my mom and grandpa would do without me. I did worry about grandpa spending so much time alone, not that I was home that much in high school anyway because of my extracurriculars, but still. I had also been that kid that had to be picked up from sleepovers in the middle of the night when I was young, so I was also worried about spending so much time away from home and how lonely I would get. My mom and I had serious discussions about me taking a year off because I was so anxious about leaving and being lonely, etc.

Anxiety has held me back from a lot of things, many social situations, going to things where I didn't know anyone, and putting myself out there to experience new opportunities and meet new people. But somehow, God has kept me in the palm of His hand and has allowed me to still have so many wonderful experiences. One thing I've realized about anxiety is that it is all Satan. Anxiety is the sin that I struggle with the most, and I do think it's a sin, because it is not of God. God lays out in so many places in his Word that we are not to be anxious, but it's my weakness and Satan loves to prey on it. He constantly tells me that people won't like me if they know my heart, that they won't like how "twisted" some of my thoughts are, that I'm not good enough to be in that position, and that I'm unlovable and I cannot be redeemed. Sometimes I do get anxious about my salvation, and let me tell you, that's scary. I think it's something every Christian faces, because satan can literally be the devil on our shoulders telling us that God wouldn't want us because of what we've done. And when anxiety was taking over my life, the devil did just that. He told me that because of my past sins, and because of the fact that my anxiety is a sin I struggle with, sometimes hour by hour, that God wouldn't redeem me. But guess what? I've learned that those are complete lies. Satan is a terrible, horrible liar. Jesus died on the cross for you and me. When I read the gospel and read the part of Jesus's crucifixion, I can't help but cry. I'm overcome with such incredible emotion as the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "He loved you enough." And He did, He does. He loves me enough to die on the cross for my sins, and for my anxiety. Every thought of anxiety I must turn into a prayer, because the devil cannot be glorified in my anxiety. I've spent too many hours crying, too many sleepless nights, and I've had too many days lost to my anxiety. Enough. 

I've noticed myself slipping back into many anxious thoughts and sleepless nights, so I've made a commitment to do my quiet time again, and so far so good. And last night while doing my Beth Moore study, the lesson ended with this. The instructions are to fill in every blank with your name...

My child, ________, I loved you before you were born. I knit you in your mother's womb and knew what your first and last words would be. I knew every difficulty you, ________, would face. I suffered each one with you. Even the ones you didn't suffer with me. I had a plan for your life before you were born. The plan has not changed, _______, no matter what has happened or what you have done. You see, I already knew all things concerning you before I formed you. I would never allow any hurt to come into your life that I could not use for eternity, ______. Will you let Me? Your truth is incomplete unless you view it against the backdrop of my truth. Your story, _______, will forever remain incomplete...until you let Me do what only I can do with your hurt. Let Me perfect that which concerns you.

I remain,

Your Faithful Father

I mean dang, cue the waterworks. So it's not going to be easy and it's going to be a daily surrendering of my heart, but this anxiety is His. He will sustain me and redeem me. So I encourage you, whatever you're struggling with right now, insert your name in those blanks above, and experience the freedom and love He has prepared for us...

And smile, God loves you!

"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:6-7