God has been blowing my mind lately. Wow...that's all I can say. I am so undeserving of His grace, mercy, and forgiveness, yet He gives it to me every day.
I spent so many nights crying and on my knees begging to feel Him, see His hand, feel Him guiding me, and now, months later, I feel Him again like I did two years ago. What's even more, is that the last 2 months I've been horrible about my quiet time. I'm lazy and I need some sort of accountability system. Maybe I'll start putting check boxes on my mirror to make sure I do it every day, but despite all of this He is still encouraging me. Just in the last week He has used 4 different people to reach out to me and tell me how they've witnessed changes in me, how they value my honesty in my struggles, etc. But in all of this, I want to point to Him.
I look at my life a year ago, and I never would have thought I'd be here. I'm happy now. Yes, I still get stressed out and anxious, we all do and that's life, but I end every day being, for the most part, truly happy. And I thought I was happy last year, but when it came time for me to be alone, I was just that- alone and lonely. I grew anxious about the fact that I wasn't with my (ex) boyfriend, or with my friends, or at home; I always wanted to do something else. And as outgoing as people say I am, and I am a lot, I do also enjoy my "me" time. Some nights I'd rather be curled up with a book or watching Netflix until the wee hours of the morning, or sit and write to get my feelings out in a positive way, but in the time I spend alone now I'm content, and this is all because of the confidence I have in His love. And when I'm with my friends, I'm happy too. I'm not thinking about how I'd rather be at home alone wallowing in my own pity, I truly enjoy their company, and I think that shows.
He used the experiences in my life, over the last year and a half especially, to refine me. I'm so in love with my job and my sorority that I enjoy doing even the mundane tasks of paperwork. I won't lie to you though, I still get overwhelmed, but then I remember the blessings they serve as and I just keep chugging along.
In the beginning of last semester I didn't work nearly as hard on my school work as I should have. I spent a lot of time crying, thinking, worrying, etc., and I let my school work, my #1 job, fall by the wayside. So far this semester, and it's only been 4 weeks, I've stayed on top of my work. I so badly don't want to go back to that place I was in last semester that I get anxious about assignments due in two weeks. I'm working on it though, making a "Get Done Today" list instead of general to do list so I can feel confident in accomplishing things. I'm praying my way through it too, because I shouldn't be anxious in anything.
Every day I fall more in love with this campus and this city. It legitimately scares me to think about the fact that I graduate in less than a year and a half! These two and a half years have gone by so quickly, and I can't help but think I wasted my sophomore year, but it was all part of His plan, or at least, He used those situations to bring me closer to Him.
To hear people tell me that I've helped them see God in situations, or that they've learned from my journey, baffles me. It completely and utterly takes me by surprise. Me? I spent so many months, years even, asking God "Why me?" out of desperation, wishing my life was different, but now I sit here asking God "Why me? I am so unworthy of You steadfast love. I am so unworthy of You using me to help others." Yet He always meets me with this answer: "I can use you any way I want, little one." And He can. That's both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time! I see Him using my testimony to help others, but I so want to make sure He gets the glory. I don't want others to see my strength, but see His mighty hand and all it can do. An item on my bucket list is the ability to impact people, but I see now that I can do that just by being the young woman I am in Christ. By allowing God to use me and use my journey to help others, I can bring people to His Son, and how amazing is that? My cup overflows. I can't say it enough, and the words I've typed on this screen do very little justice to the emotions I feel. Yes, having these "good times" like now make me think about how my life might soon change and I may not be so happy, and that perhaps God is just preparing me for something that might happen, but if that's the case, either way I know He is there. He is doing it for the good, and never for the bad.
One of my favorite songs right now is the hymn with its contemporary twist, "Come Thou Fount". Just listening to it gives me chills.
Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung my flaming tongues above
I'll praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love
Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above
Oh what beautiful words and so pertinent to my life right now!
Smile, God loves you!!
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