Vulnerability

Vulnerability is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart since the beginning of this last summer. After going through my break up in June, I realized how hard I had been trying to keep it together. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I was thrown into a new role as an RA, and I was no longer living on a freshmen hallway where my best friends lived in the rooms all around me. I was also trying to navigate through a very long distanced relationship. My new residents were only a few months younger than me, given that I have a late birthday, and I so badly wanted to make it "look easy." I often felt like a duck in water- calm and collected on top of the water, but under the surface my feet were going a million miles an hour. I was lonely. I didn't quite know how to be friends with my residents while also being an authority figure. My friends that weren't RAs all lived with other friends, and I felt left behind. Not to say that my friends didn't include me, they tried, but it was hard because my schedule was so weird and then once I got into a rut, I just kind of got stuck there. 

When I hit my breaking point at the beginning of July, I realized that I had worked so hard to keep this calm, cool, and collected exterior that I completely neglected my interior. I didn't spend that much time in prayer or even quiet time (sadly, getting back into my quite time routine is something I'm currently struggling with, but I still spend time in prayer, but you still need both) and looking back this really affected me. Suddenly I was smack dab in the middle of God's plan, and I was broken, lonely, and terrified. I had SO many loving people around me. I leaped head first into my faith, despite the fact that I couldn't feel God. Little did I know that He was there with arms wide open, He was just at the finish line of reconnecting with Him, and it was a very long way to that line. I realized I had kept so much hidden that I pushed so many friends away. I invested a lot of my time, energy, and emotions into one person when in reality all of that should have been given to God, because when He is #1, everything else falls into place. When I shared a part of my testimony on here in July, I felt liberated. For once I wasn't afraid of other people's judgments, I just wanted someone to get something out of it, and I didn't know that I'd be the one to get the most out of it. Since then I've really tried to be vulnerable and transparent with my faith. It's not easy. I get angry with God. I don't understand His plan.  I am full of fear, I worry, and I suffer from anxiety. Those are things I should not deal with simply because it was taken away by Jesus Christ. But I am imperfect. I am weak. I am sinful. But when I am open and honest about my struggles, when I give Him the glory of the strength I (try to) display, I feel fulfilled- and perhaps for the first time in my life.

I've mentioned it before, but I've been humbled by how many people have opened up to me and reached out to talk to be about their lives and their struggles. Through my openness and honesty I've allowed God to shine. I was recently blessed by having a friend tell me my faith has influenced her, especially the way I act when it comes to boys. I know God has a special man out there for me to marry. It may not be for 10 years, but I will wait because what He has planned is always better. Just a year ago I thought I'd be married at 23 and have babies by 25, but I look at that now and laugh. I want to go to graduate school. I want to travel. I'm 20 years old and that's so young. Anyway, this friend told me she really appreciated the way I don't change with the various groups I'm around, and how don't seek male attention or get my fulfillment from that. And man, talk about praises to God for that because the enemy so often tells me I'm not worthy and that I'm not giving Him glory. 

I've taken this vulnerability into my job as well. My residents know I'm not perfect, and I no longer try to act like it. I don't hide my face as much if I cry after a bad day. I'm open about my faith- I don't push it on them because that's not my "style" and not my place when it comes to my job. But (I hope) they know my room is a safe place for anyone. I admit my flaws, and all of this has made for a much smoother year. I love coming back to my hall after a long day. Those young women never cease to amaze me, and I'm sure I see and witness more than they think I do, but watching them encourage each other and build each other up is so refreshing in a society that so often teaches women to tear each other down. 

Vulnerability is something that our SAO leadership team has really been discussing in depth. We went on our retreat last weekend and man, my world was rocked. These 23 women I have the pleasure of serving with are nothing short of amazing. We shared our testimonies and really "went there." I opened up to them and shared things with them that only few know about, and they did the same. To be allowed in to someone's personal life like that is an honor and a privilege. We shared our hearts, our struggles, and our fears, and you really never know what goes on behind closed doors (or a calm face). God is doing amazing things in their lives, and I am confident in His ability to guide us in the best way for our sorority. 

In reality, vulnerability makes a great leader, and a great Christian. Too often we allow ourselves to live in our own little bubbles and let everyone think everything in our life is fine and tied up in ribbons and bows when we are in the depths of despair. And God doesn't want that. Jesus died on the cross to put all of those worries and fears and struggles to death. Unfortunately, the enemy is here, and he isn't going anywhere, so he often puts those thoughts and feelings in our minds and hearts. And when we allow people to think the world doesn't get to us, we show true weakness, because we don't give God the glory in those weaknesses. When we can stand in front of a body of both believers and non-believers, or even just one or two people and say that we struggle with something, we show our imperfections and let God revel in that. We allow Him to shine rather than allow people to think we're perfect. I posted a couple of months ago about His delights in our weakness. In being vulnerable with your followers, you allow them to see God shine in you and you create a safe place where honesty and respect are valued. When your "followers" or in my case, sisterhood, see that you allow God to fill in the gaps, they follow your lead and do the same, and it's at that point that God is truly glorified. In admittance, He is finally given the chance to come in and fill in the gaps, He quenches the fears and anxieties. He weeds the garden and prunes the flowers of our hearts and finally, finally, others can see Jesus. So stand up, admit you're imperfections and struggles with humility. Let God come in and take it all away. Be vulnerable and let His light shine, because His light is the brightest. Let His love do what it was created to do and save. Allowing Him to do this in my life has truly surprised me, and although I often get fearful of the future, I know that I am in the middle of His plan, with His hand on my shoulder guiding me the whole way. 

Be Vulnerable.

Smile, God loves you!