Whirlwind of Fear.

This is going to be a typical "blog" post. Full of emotion, cheesy, etc. So if that turns you off I won't be offended by you not reading this.

I've been in Athens for almost a month, and that's insane. Being and RA is an experience. Experience, yes, I guess that's what I'll call it. The Lord called me to be an RA and man is He testing me. Two of my sisters and my mom were RAs and nothing they ever said could have prepared me for this. It's nice to feel needed by people, and all of my friends say I was born to be a mother, because I like taking care of people. However, it's hard to walk that fine line between being a friend to my residents and also having to serve as an authority figure for certain situations. All of the returning RAs say it will get better, and right now it's just overwhelming but it will calm down. Between 2 meetings each week, a private meeting with my supervisor every other week, programs, Roommate Agreements, and duty every other Wednesday and some Thursdays, and keeping up with my residents and trying to be available, I'm overwhelmed. Not to mention the fact that you know, as an English Ed major you kind of read a lot. A lot. And SAO, which I LOVE. Recruitment started tonight and it was so nice to meet some potential new members. It's crazy that that was me this year. I'm excited to get to know the new girls and can't wait to see what God has in store for them and for the sisters. But, that's also really time consuming through mid-September. I feel like I'm drowning about 90% of the time. I'm like a duck in the water, fine on top and pretend everything's great, but beneath the surface my feet are going a million miles a minute.

Now on the subject of Bobby. Pennsylvania is far. He came up here for the day on Saturday to say goodbye, and it was hands-down one of the hardest things I've done. I tried so hard to protect myself this summer from feeling the heartbreak I knew would come; I often pulled away and really made Bobby work hard to pull me back in. But upon saying goodbye he wrote me this beautiful letter (I hope he's ok with me saying that), and I lost it. Everything I'd been protecting myself from came back up and I was a mess. It was a tearful goodbye on both ends. He's in Gettysburg now and is doing well. It's hard, loving someone. We both know the heartbreak that came along with our breakup a year ago. I often thought, and still sometimes do, that it'd be easier just to break up. But crying all the time because I miss him really gives me insight: if I hurt so badly and I still get to talk to him and skype him (thank God for technology, I don't know how they did it before), what would it be like if I didn't get those things? I feel silly because I cry in my room a lot and then a resident needs me and I pull myself together and act like I'm fine, I guess I've gotten really good at that over the years. It's hard when a lot of other people say we're stupid and crazy for trying the distance, but when you love someone, you'll do whatever it takes. It's also hard because my mom and dad did long distance, Jackie and Andrew did, and Courtney and Thomas did. I know, I know, believe me, Bobby and I are not naive in knowing the odds are stacked against us. I cry all the time and it stinks cause I'm reminded of our break up a year ago. If you would have told me a year ago that Bobby and I would break up for 5 months and then get back together, I'd laugh. But here we are, once again trying this distance. We've grown so much in a year, and this time we've truly dedicated our relationship to the Lord. We did fine the last 3 months of the school year last year, but Marietta is much closer to Athens than Gettysburg. I'm reminded how much he and I need to turn to God. He has a greater plan. But man, He's really testing me. I guess this is a reminder of the fact that I need to put a lot more into my relationship with Him.  I'm also reminded again of how amazing Taylor is. Yet another year in our 14 year friendship has gone by. We're both suffering broken hearts from distance. We always seem to go through phases together. I can't wait to see what this 15th year has in store for me and Tay.

For now...
blessings and love.

Going Back in Time

So, tonight I randomly decided to look at some of my old albums on Facebook (basically, I got really bored of the RHNY reunion). Anyway, despite Facebook's creepiness at times it is kind of a nice way to reminisce, at least for me, on "old times." Yes, I know I'm 19, which qualifies me as still being a kid, but oh well. Once I got over the "wow, I was so skinny my first 3 years of high school" shock, I noticed something...a few of the girls that I was "best friends" with my freshman year of high school removed their tags of pictures of us. Really? OK, I know, it's Facebook, and being friends with someone on Facebook is like shaking their hand, but honestly, just because we're not friends you have to un-tag yourself from pictures? It wasn't like we had a big fight, we just kind of drifted. But I digress...
For me, it was kind of fun to leave myself tagged in stupid pictures. Facebook has the function where on the right side of the screen it will show you old pictures of your friends, and my wonderful hallmates and I had endless hours of entertainment this past year laughing at each other and the "mirror pics" we used to take, and laughing at the pictures that were funny at the time but now just look dumb. Looking through the old pictures reminded me of various stages of my life. There are pictures that I look at and think "I was so uncomfortable with that group of people" and pictures that bring a smile to my face because I remember the late night sleepovers with some of the sweetest girls I've ever known. It's nice to kind of look back and remember how close you were with certain people. There's a magnet on my fridge at home that someone gave to my mom and it says "friends are the family you choose for yourself," and it's so true. I can look at all of those pictures and remember what distinctly drew me to that person in the picture with me. Even though we're not best friends anymore, some of the people I don't talk to, some I just keep their numbers in my phone for "just in case," and some I do try to catch up with every once in a while, and some I'm still good friends with, I know they were in my life for some specific purpose. Even though neither of us realized it, I needed them at one point and they needed me. I'm so grateful for every moment of my life, be it good, bad, or ugly, because it made me who I am.

Arrogance and Christianity

So this morning at church our preacher gave a very interesting sermon on arrogance and Christianity. He started out by turning to scripture, Matthew 20:20-28, where the mother of two of the disciples asks Jesus to have one of her sons sit at His right and the other at His left. Jesus asks if they can drink from the same cup He does and of course they answer "yes". This is the first display of arrogance in this scripture. The next one comes when the other 10 disciples get angry. Jesus quickly humbles them by gathering all 12 together and telling them that to be first, they must be slaves to others. To be served, you must serve. I know how silly this may seem, but I'm always struck with how wise Jesus is. The arrogance of the 2 disciples quickly passed to the other 10 by them standing there and thinking, "how dare they? We would never act that way," but in actuality, they're acting the exact same way. The pastor then asked us a question, "Are you, as a Christian, more arrogant now that you've found Jesus than you were before you knew Him?" Wow. In that question lies what I believe to be why so many people dislike Christianity.

As a college student, we are all guilty of the same type of arrogance as the 10 disciples. Someone asks a "dumb" question and we all think "I would never ask a question like that." But that's being arrogant. We're looking down on someone thinking we're better. As Christians we do this a lot. Because we know we will be redeemed for our sins, we feel it's OK to look at, and possibly point out, the sins of others. In reality, this is not OK. Jesus, the one person to ever walk the earth that was perfect and didn't sin, didn't judge us for our sins. How can we, as Christians, point out the sins of others when Jesus didn't even do that? Of course people would have a bad taste in their mouth about Christianity after witnessing behavior like that. Some of my friends refer to them as "the God Squad." They're the people who separate themselves from the kids who drink or party. We shouldn't separate ourselves, we should be with them. Jesus didn't spend all of His time with Christians; He spent His time with people who needed Him. We need to stop being so arrogant and realize that we're just like everyone else. Yes, our faith separates us from others because we believe, but we're all sinners, we're all God's children.

This leads me to my goal of this year: To stop being so arrogant. I'm no better than anyone else.

3 Weeks

So, I'm basically the worst blogger ever...but who really reads this anyway?
I came home this summer so reluctant to leave Athens, and now I'm reluctant to leave Marietta. 3 weeks from today I'll be moving back to Athens, but it a different dorm, in a room alone, and on a hall alone for a week until my residents move in. Needless to say, I'm pretty scared. I'm excited an anxious to start this new adventure, and I can't wait to find out who my residents are. I'm very lucky that my friend Robin will be working in the same Residence Hall (that's the official word, I used dorm earlier and that's bad), and Nadgey will be across the courtyard. I don't handle change well, and this new school year will bring about a lot of change. It's funny really, me not handling change well, because does that mean I don't handle life well? Isn't that what life is, change? I'm also very anxious about Bobby leaving for PN. Hopefully he'll be able to squeeze in an Athens visit before he leaves.
 Mostly, I CANNOT believe how quickly the summer flew by. It was great having Thomas, Courtney, and Robby here for 3 weeks. Having all 4 of us girls together is so much fun. The dynamic is much different now with the little ones, now Kristy and I are the only ones to stay up past 10. I love my sweet little nephew so much (but he won't be my only nephew for long, Jackie and Andrew are expecting a little boy in November!!!). It was so hard to see them off at the airport. They went to Germany and will be making a stop here for 48 hours before they head back to CA, so really the next time I see him will be Christmas and G's 90th. And of course it's been so great to spend so much time with Caroline. It's weird that I'll have 2 nephews and 1 niece...looks like the Rivard women might be outnumbered soon, yikes! Robby and Caroline are always the highlights of any day I get to see them. Watching them grow and become "real" people with "real" personalities is amazing. God never ceases to amaze me.
Just thinking about going back to Athens makes me anxious. Although, this is very different than last year, last year I was a wreck, this year it's bittersweet. I am SO excited to see my friends again. Classes...eh. Bobby keeps telling me to live in the moment and take it one day at a time. I know I shouldn't be anxious because God already has a plan for me and all I need to do is pray that I follow it, but I'm still anxious. My motto for now is Phil. 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

When You're Best Isn't Good Enough

Do you ever feel like your best isn't good enough? I know I do.
When I was younger, and would come home with a grade that was less than what I'd expected, my mom would ask me, "Did you do your best?" If the answer was yes she would reply with, "Well then, that's all I can ask of you, and that grade was well deserved." If the answer was no, she would reply with, "well then, luckily there's next time, and that grade is what you deserved."
We're taught that what we put in to something is what we will get out. The Bible even says that what you sow is what you will reap. So then why, when I'm emotionally exhausted from trying to be my best, I feel like I'm not good enough? No matter what I do, I don't get any credit. I try to put others before myself, but still, not good enough.
 Back to the Bible reference, perhaps it's because I'm focusing more on my earthly relationships than my one with God. This year in college I completely transformed my relationship with the Lord. I prayed continuously and read my bible every night, not out of obligation, but because I craved that relationship. I surrounded myself with lovers of the Lord, and felt His presence all the time.  Now, many months later, opening my bible seems like such a chore. Does that make me a back Christian? I feel so much better when I do, so why am I so lazy? I guess my question to those of you who read this (if anyone does) is, Have you ever been in this position? Where you feel a lull in your relationship with the Lord? My views haven't changed, I still love the Lord with all my heart, and I try to live my life according to His purpose, but I just feel so...disconnected, I guess. The easy answer is to stop being lazy and pick up my bible, but practicing that isn't easy. So what do I do? Have you ever felt disconnected? What did you do to get that back?

This One's for the Girls

If you're a boy...you might want to stop reading, this will bore you.
It's not easy being a girl. Oh, they've told us that since we were little, right? Yet, we try to deny it. If you're a boy who's continued reading this, yes, once a month we get crabby, feel like Shamoo at SeaWorld, and want a lot of chocolate. You know what I'm talking about, you (as a guy) dread that time almost as much as we do. BUT you easily avoid your girlfriend/mom/sister/friend, etc. That's not the point of this post any way. As a girl, we're always "too" something. Too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat, too voluptuous, too un-voluptuous (yes, I made it a word), too emotional, too unemotional, too sensitive, too nice, too mean, and on and on. As women, we're genetically programmed to people please (and if you're the kind of girl who isn't, I applaud you). We say yes to everyone who asks for our help, we bite off more than we can chew. In our concern for other people's feelings, we swallow our stress, anxiety, and sadness and move on. We spend so much time taking care of others. I'm overwhelmed and I'm 18, don't have a real job, am not married, and don't have children (If you're married or a mom, I'm sorry that this seems whiny because I don't actually know anything about the real world or truly taking care of others, this I know). Today was one of those days where I broke down. I've been really stressed out an anxious lately and today it hit the fan. I snapped at Bobby, and God bless that boy for bearing the brunt of my emotional break down. To the girls reading this...it's ok. It's ok to be imperfect, it's ok to break down, and it's ok to ask for help. Sometimes life gets a little out of hand. Sometimes we have to curl up in a ball, watch chick flicks, and cry your eyes out. Just please please please remember that you're not alone. Someone in this world is thinking of you. God loves you. Isn't is amazing to think that the Creator of the universe created you with something certain in mind? He meticulously planned every part of you, and planned the person you'd be. Even though today was a rough day, I praise Him. I'm still learning to praise Him in the bad times. But because of this bad time, the next one won't seem so bad.

Here's a shout out to Carey McKay...I named this blog for you : ]

The End of a Chapter

It's funny...how much life changes. It takes you for a roller coaster of a ride, but yet you stand grateful for every minute of it. That's how I feel about the end of my freshman year of college. As I said in a previous post, I wanted to go to Furman. I came kicking and screaming to UGA. My transition to college life sucked, to say the least. I didn't drink, I didn't party, and I had a boyfriend at home. Yea, I'm a goody-goody, but it's who I am. I thought I couldn't hang out with people who weren't like me. So I came to college and found myself having many lonely nights. Then, my boyfriend broke up with me. And going through your first broken heart away from home is awful (we're together now, again, life is funny in a twisted way). I didn't know the girls on my hall, I barely knew my roommate, and I felt alone in a sea of 34,000+ people. I cried my mom all the time begging her to take me home. I'd transfer to KSU and live at home. She told me no, and she said I had to finish out the year, then we'd talk. Obviously, God had a VERY different plan for my life. I joined the Christian sorority, and made God the center of my life. I fell madly in love with a man named Jesus Christ. Suddenly, even the bad days weren't that bad. I started hanging out with the girls on my hall, the girls I now will love forever. Yes, I'm still a goody-goody, and always will be, but I branched out of my comfort zone. I took baby-step risks, and don't regret a minute of my freshman year. I grew to LOVE my roommate, and realized how freakishly alike we truly are. As Nadgey (my roommate) and I spent our last few night in college with mattresses on the floor (our room has been empty since Saturday), I reflected on this past year. I'm grateful for every minute. Every minute I was sad, angry, agitated, stressed, anxious, laughing, crying, ecstatic, you name the feeling, I'm grateful for it. I've grown so much in the 10 months I've been in college, and I've seen growth in those around me. God truly does do what's best.

To my roommate, Nadgey~
I love you. You're moving out of our room right now and I'm currently in the study lounge to get out of the way. I'm tearing up as I write this. Thank you. For everything. You watched me cry many times in the beginning of the year, and even though we barely knew each other, you helped me when I was down. Thank you for the late night talks, for the sleep-talking conversations, for naming my body pillow Mac-Daddy, for all the SVU marathons, for the endless nights of cuddling, for introducing me to cup-o-noodles, for the endless laughter, for helping me study, for watching Bethenny, for putting up with my stress-ridden anxiety freak outs, for loving me like a sister. Thank you. This year wouldn't have been the same without you. You'll always be my best and favorite roommate. I know there will be many times during RA training in August where we will call each other freaking out. I know we will vent to each other again next year, and I look oh so forward to it.

I could say a million and ten cheesy things about my freshman year ending, but I'll spare you. We all just need to remind ourselves that everything happens for a reason, and that we will be ok. God loves us, carry on.

 6 North Love Forever <3