Let's be honest, I haven't been very good the last week. It started with going home for the weekend where I was showered with Mom's homemade food and desserts, plus our friend, Lara, from Germany visited and brought yummy German chocolates. Then I literally just got back from eating my way through Nashville with my friends/SAO sisters.
How do I feel?
Pretty disgusted with myself, honestly. Bloated. Fat. Ugly. Yep, that about sums it up.
But the food was SO good.
But I can't beat myself up, because Jesus still loves me. I'm learning that. I'm also learning that the feelings of being disgusted with myself are Satan's vicious attacks. I need to look at myself and be proud of the internal transformations I've encountered this year. In one week it will be exactly a year ago that I was so depressed that suicide was considered my only option to "get better." Today, I stand here being proud of the person I am. God has done so much with me that I literally sit here crying as I type this because I'm so grateful. I didn't and don't deserve this beautiful life. I am surrounded by incredible people. My family, friends, and SAO sisters encourage me daily; they confront my mess ups; they push me to be a better person; they love me UNCONDITIONALLY. Yet each day I sin, and God still provides abundantly. Since about May I've been stressed about money (I pay for school), and just wondering how I was going to make it through the summer and save enough money to pay for parking, SAO, and books for next semester, as well as parking this summer. Matthew 6:25-34 came into my mind, and I had to remind myself that I cannot worry about those things, God will give me my daily bread. What do you know...? Between Grandpa writing me a check with the "Because I love you" written in the memo line and Kristy's birthday gift to me, I had exactly enough to pay for parking this summer. I had to buy an expensive gift for my class, and that same afternoon I received a gift from Courtney that covered over 2/3 of the cost. And my gift from my mom was that she payed for all of the kitchen things I need and my first week's worth of groceries. Then I had the opportunity to go to Nashville and freaked out a little about dipping into my savings to go, and then, no joke, 2 days before I leave my aunt sends me a check for more than what I need for the weekend.
So now you're sitting there thinking, what does this have to do with a path to a new you...?
All of this reminds me that
He who promises is FAITHFUL.
If I pursue this weight-loss endeavor with seeing myself as God does and honoring my body and treating it like a temple, then He will remain faithful. The Lord spent the last year refining my inner self, and He has now chosen to convict me with refining my outer self.
My friend Caitlin (we went to Nashville together) is also on a journey to feeling better on the outside, and she told me about Lysa Terkeurst's book and devotional, Made to Crave, which is about "satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food." Lysa is the president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, and incredible organization (more about that here). Remember a few posts ago I was talking about wanting a woman to be honest with her Christian journey? Well I have found that in Lysa Terkeurst's writing. She's vulnerable about her journey to a healthy lifestyle- she discusses how miserable she felt and how hungry she was in the beginning. She also talks about how she wasn't a Christian for her young adult life and how she got an abortion, along with a string of bad decisions, and how that impacted her decision to become a Christian. Talk about vulnerability! Not only that, but I just bought her 60 Day devotional as well.
Terkeurst dives into Biblical truths about food, and let me tell you, I did NOT realize how much there was about food in the Bible. Jesus talks about food A LOT. She relates Scripture to what it means to be healthy on the outside as well as having spiritual health. Not only that, but she discusses how this process can bring one closer to God. She also includes "go to scripture" at the end of the book for different "moods" you feel as you embark on and go through this journey. What I needed today: "I was made for more than to be stuck in a vicious cycle. 'You have circled this mountain long enough. Turn North.' -Deuteronomy 2:3"
I've made the decision to make an appointment with the campus nutritionist this week. I want to talk to an expert about what I'm doing and develop an eating plan that works for me, my body type, and my lifestyle. I want to overcome this.
Smile, God loves you!
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Path to a New Me Week 1
So I promised myself I would do this, even though I hate talking about my weight. I posted a week ago about my goal to lose weight, and said I would update weekly, so here we go. I've gone through many phases since my freshman year of college where I count my calories and exercise and feel great, and then I easily fall off the wagon. HOWEVER, there was a point my freshman year where I went to the gym 3-5 days a week and just tried to eat well, and that's really when I lost 13 lbs of the dreaded freshman 15.
This is more than a goal to lose weight, it's about changing my lifestyle. And let's be real for a minute, I LOVE food, and cheese and I have a very strong relationship (another thing I inherited from my dad according to my mom). My goal is to become a "clean eater" for the most part. I want to look in the mirror and feel good about the way I look. I'm going to focus less on counting calories and more on listening to my body. When I count calories I have a habit of obsessing over the number, don't eat as well, and compete with myself to see how few calories I can eat. I want to focus more on paying attention to if I'm actually hungry or not, and cutting out the majority of my sweets. A large part of this has been inspired by the story of Daniel in the Bible. Daniel refuses to eat the king's rich delicacies and instead insists on eating food that God has prepared for his body and what will make him healthy. He states that he and his friends will eat the food God has given them (ie healthy food) for 10 days, and if they aren't stronger than the king's men they will then eat the king's food. Of course, they end up being stronger than the king's men. This story has actually inspired The Daniel Plan, a whole foods diet about honoring God through healthy living and exercise. It focuses on staying away from gluten because of a lot of the refined and enriched flower we tend to eat, and how that isn't the kind of wheat we should be getting, so I'll be trying a lot of gluten free recipes. For more about that, go here. I want to honor God in how I treat my body- I want to take care of it the way He intended, and this includes exercising and putting good things into my body.
So, today I decided to type up my food diary, goals, and lifestyle changes, and I'll go ahead and share some of that with you...
Goals: lose 15lbs, run a 5k in September
Lifestyle changes/rules:
- walk everywhere possible (to and from class) for those of you unfamiliar with UGA's campus, there are hills EVERYWHERE. It's about a ten minute walk to my class and consists of walking downhill and uphill again, so by walking back and forth to class, I'm doing an extra 20 minutes of walking.
- Eat something light every few hours. I've found I do much better this way, keep my hunger down, and actually consume the same amount of calories. I usually eat 3 meals and 2 snacks throughout the day
- If you can't pronounce an ingredient, don't buy it/don't eat it
- Live by this:
Pinterest helps a lot and is where I've been able to get a lot of inspiration. It's also way easier for me to eat well while I buy my own groceries and cook for myself than being on meal plan. Not eating junk boils down to something simple...I don't buy junk.
Today was weigh-in day and I'm happy to say that I lost 1.5lbs. Now, I know that's not much, could be water weight, or a variety of other things, it's still 1.5 lbs lighter than I was last week. A friend of mine is training for a 5k with me, so we run 3 times a week (walking and running) for 30 minutes, and I try to get in a good 1 hour workout 2 times a week. We are doing the couch to 5k plan, and for more on that, go here.
I've also set a goal to try a new recipe each week, and last night my friend Elise (the one running with me) and I tried a cauliflower crust pizza (gluten free).
Ingredients:
-1 head of cauliflower
- 1/2 cup shredded cheese
-one egg
-oregano
Steps:
This is more than a goal to lose weight, it's about changing my lifestyle. And let's be real for a minute, I LOVE food, and cheese and I have a very strong relationship (another thing I inherited from my dad according to my mom). My goal is to become a "clean eater" for the most part. I want to look in the mirror and feel good about the way I look. I'm going to focus less on counting calories and more on listening to my body. When I count calories I have a habit of obsessing over the number, don't eat as well, and compete with myself to see how few calories I can eat. I want to focus more on paying attention to if I'm actually hungry or not, and cutting out the majority of my sweets. A large part of this has been inspired by the story of Daniel in the Bible. Daniel refuses to eat the king's rich delicacies and instead insists on eating food that God has prepared for his body and what will make him healthy. He states that he and his friends will eat the food God has given them (ie healthy food) for 10 days, and if they aren't stronger than the king's men they will then eat the king's food. Of course, they end up being stronger than the king's men. This story has actually inspired The Daniel Plan, a whole foods diet about honoring God through healthy living and exercise. It focuses on staying away from gluten because of a lot of the refined and enriched flower we tend to eat, and how that isn't the kind of wheat we should be getting, so I'll be trying a lot of gluten free recipes. For more about that, go here. I want to honor God in how I treat my body- I want to take care of it the way He intended, and this includes exercising and putting good things into my body.
So, today I decided to type up my food diary, goals, and lifestyle changes, and I'll go ahead and share some of that with you...
Goals: lose 15lbs, run a 5k in September
Lifestyle changes/rules:
- walk everywhere possible (to and from class) for those of you unfamiliar with UGA's campus, there are hills EVERYWHERE. It's about a ten minute walk to my class and consists of walking downhill and uphill again, so by walking back and forth to class, I'm doing an extra 20 minutes of walking.
- Eat something light every few hours. I've found I do much better this way, keep my hunger down, and actually consume the same amount of calories. I usually eat 3 meals and 2 snacks throughout the day
- If you can't pronounce an ingredient, don't buy it/don't eat it
- Live by this:
Pinterest helps a lot and is where I've been able to get a lot of inspiration. It's also way easier for me to eat well while I buy my own groceries and cook for myself than being on meal plan. Not eating junk boils down to something simple...I don't buy junk.
Today was weigh-in day and I'm happy to say that I lost 1.5lbs. Now, I know that's not much, could be water weight, or a variety of other things, it's still 1.5 lbs lighter than I was last week. A friend of mine is training for a 5k with me, so we run 3 times a week (walking and running) for 30 minutes, and I try to get in a good 1 hour workout 2 times a week. We are doing the couch to 5k plan, and for more on that, go here.
I've also set a goal to try a new recipe each week, and last night my friend Elise (the one running with me) and I tried a cauliflower crust pizza (gluten free).
Ingredients:
-1 head of cauliflower
- 1/2 cup shredded cheese
-one egg
-oregano
Steps:
1. cut cauliflower into pieces and then chop in food processor (we used a blender)
2. put cauliflower in microwave for 8 minutes
3. put cauliflower on a paper towel and absorb the moisture out of the cauliflower (this is a step we didn't do, and the crust fell apart slightly)
4. combine cauliflower, one egg, oregano, and cheese in a bowl
5. place mixture on a greased cookie sheet
6. bake in oven at 350 for 10-12 minutes
7. take crust out of oven and add sauce and toppings
8. bake for another 10-12 minutes
Overall, I will definitely try this recipe again; it was very yummy!
I know a few people who read this have said that they, too, are trying either lose weight or eat better, so I hope this helps others. It really helps me that I have a running partner and friends who eat well, so they don't tempt me to eat junk and we can try out new, fun, healthy recipes together.
As always, smile, God loves you!
Some Pinterest inspiration:
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Little girl, arise.
I turned 21 yesterday, a day I waited for a long time for. The day before my birthday I went running errands buying a few last minute things for my party, and as I drove home I was struck with such a sense of peace, and realized that for the first time in so long, I am content and so happy with my life. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up last year, 3 days before my 20th birthday, so, needless to say, my 20th birthday wasn't the best...and then you all know how this last year has gone.
I sat in my car for a moment in awe of the King. He has changed my life in countless ways. I had such a wonderful birthday, apart from me snapping at my friends at one point because of my insecurities, but they quickly put me back on track. I had so many friends drive in from out of town, and them doing that meant so much to me. I cried in my car yesterday because I was so happy. When is the last time I said I cried from happiness? I can't remember either.
I'm currently reading Fearless by Max Lucado, and in the book he addresses the different fears we have and how Jesus conquers them. I like his approach to writing because he talks about how fear is healthy and normal; it keeps us from reaching for a hot pan, from diving off too high of a cliff, etc. But when fear keeps us from enjoying the lives God has destined for us (ie- worrying about money, where our lives will be in 5 years, how our families are doing, and not being in control), it inhibits us from receiving all that He can give. For a long time now I've felt like God was trying to tell me something, and I couldn't quite articulate it, and when I felt frustrated I felt Him saying "wait," so I did. It's been a few months since that feeling started, and today it all clicked. In the last week or so I've realized I'm content being single as long as I fulfill myself with Jesus. I'm 21 years old, I can be selfish in my dating life, and I can have fun along the way. The desire to be a wife and mother burns so brightly in my heart that I know God will give an amazing Christian man when the time is right, but I digress...
As I was reading Fearless today, I was reading a chapter in which Lucado addresses parental fear and worry over children. He discusses Jairus's situation in Luke, and how Jairus's daughter was dying and he ran to Jesus and asked him to heal his daughter. By the time Jesus, Jairus, and His followers arrived, the little girl was already dead. Now, I can't relate to the worry a parent feels, but hidden in this chapter was the message God has been preparing me for these last few months as "Jesus took her by the hand and called, saying, 'Little girl, arise'" (Luke 8:54). Lucado uses a different version of the Bible, which is why I think this all clicked.
Little girl, arise.
I broke down and couldn't stop crying. On that night a little less than a year ago, as I sat on the kitchen floor with a knife above my wrist, I waited so desperately to hear His voice calling me to stay on the earth, to tell me it was worth it, that I was worth it, and because of how far I'd fallen I couldn't hear Him. But throughout every step along the way, He encouraged me by placing people in my life, allowing my testimony to affect others, and rewarding me in ways I couldn't have imagined. Even as I write this I can't help but cry. I remember feeling something on that night, but not knowing what it was, and now I do. There was a teeny, tiny voice in the back of my head that kept me from taking my life, and I can finally articulate what it was, despite the fact that I denied it back then. It was the voice of my Savior, quietly saying, "little girl, arise," and I chose life.
I spent months being angry with God. I couldn't pray because I was mad, so all I did was write down what I was thankful for, what I could praise Him for, and some days all I could be thankful for was a family that loved me, a roof over my head, and a full belly (of course, that in and of itself is SO MUCH to be grateful for). Slowly my heart softened, I could open my Bible again, I could do a daily devotional. I clung to my quiet time at the end of the day, because it was the only time I felt calm. I prayed all day long, but still, I got angry and hurt and confused. I even tried not to be a Christian for a day, and clearly that worked out well. But with every night I spent crying myself to sleep, every morning I didn't want to get out of bed, every time I sat sobbing on my bedroom floor, every angry thought I had, every bout of anxiety, the still, small voice called to me, "little girl, arise."
I couldn't articulate what He was saying until now, but something propelled me forward, helped me fall asleep at night, got me out of bed in the morning, made me dry my tears, calmed my anxious thought, and it was my Prince, calling to me, telling me that I was worthy and loved. I have come so far in a year. As I went "out on the town" last night in this town I never thought I'd be in, at a school I never wanted to go to, as I was surrounded by people who loved me and have become a huge part of my world, I couldn't help but silently thank the Lord for all He's done. A year ago I thought I'd be married by 23. I realize that's not what I want now, because it's not what He wants for me just yet. A year ago I never thought I'd want to write a book, and now that desire burns brightly within me. A year ago I sat crying over a broken 2.5 year relationship, and today I rejoice that it ended and can see the beauty and love I shared with a young man, and be grateful for all he taught me. A year ago my anxiety consumed my life. Today, although at times it consumes me, it does not dictate my day-to-day life. Every step of this journey God has coached me, saying "little girl, arise."
Today I arise from the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the confusion, the desperation, the depression, and the anxiety. Today, I arise because my King calls me to. I don't know what I've done to deserve this beautiful life I lead, but I am forever on my knees thanking Him.
I know I won't always feel this way. I will get angry, disappointed, confused, anxious, stressed, and perhaps even depressed again, but I will have those emotions knowing I'll be happy again, because Jesus will be calling to me,
"Little girl, ARISE."
Smile, God loves you!!!
I sat in my car for a moment in awe of the King. He has changed my life in countless ways. I had such a wonderful birthday, apart from me snapping at my friends at one point because of my insecurities, but they quickly put me back on track. I had so many friends drive in from out of town, and them doing that meant so much to me. I cried in my car yesterday because I was so happy. When is the last time I said I cried from happiness? I can't remember either.
I'm currently reading Fearless by Max Lucado, and in the book he addresses the different fears we have and how Jesus conquers them. I like his approach to writing because he talks about how fear is healthy and normal; it keeps us from reaching for a hot pan, from diving off too high of a cliff, etc. But when fear keeps us from enjoying the lives God has destined for us (ie- worrying about money, where our lives will be in 5 years, how our families are doing, and not being in control), it inhibits us from receiving all that He can give. For a long time now I've felt like God was trying to tell me something, and I couldn't quite articulate it, and when I felt frustrated I felt Him saying "wait," so I did. It's been a few months since that feeling started, and today it all clicked. In the last week or so I've realized I'm content being single as long as I fulfill myself with Jesus. I'm 21 years old, I can be selfish in my dating life, and I can have fun along the way. The desire to be a wife and mother burns so brightly in my heart that I know God will give an amazing Christian man when the time is right, but I digress...
As I was reading Fearless today, I was reading a chapter in which Lucado addresses parental fear and worry over children. He discusses Jairus's situation in Luke, and how Jairus's daughter was dying and he ran to Jesus and asked him to heal his daughter. By the time Jesus, Jairus, and His followers arrived, the little girl was already dead. Now, I can't relate to the worry a parent feels, but hidden in this chapter was the message God has been preparing me for these last few months as "Jesus took her by the hand and called, saying, 'Little girl, arise'" (Luke 8:54). Lucado uses a different version of the Bible, which is why I think this all clicked.
Little girl, arise.
I broke down and couldn't stop crying. On that night a little less than a year ago, as I sat on the kitchen floor with a knife above my wrist, I waited so desperately to hear His voice calling me to stay on the earth, to tell me it was worth it, that I was worth it, and because of how far I'd fallen I couldn't hear Him. But throughout every step along the way, He encouraged me by placing people in my life, allowing my testimony to affect others, and rewarding me in ways I couldn't have imagined. Even as I write this I can't help but cry. I remember feeling something on that night, but not knowing what it was, and now I do. There was a teeny, tiny voice in the back of my head that kept me from taking my life, and I can finally articulate what it was, despite the fact that I denied it back then. It was the voice of my Savior, quietly saying, "little girl, arise," and I chose life.
I spent months being angry with God. I couldn't pray because I was mad, so all I did was write down what I was thankful for, what I could praise Him for, and some days all I could be thankful for was a family that loved me, a roof over my head, and a full belly (of course, that in and of itself is SO MUCH to be grateful for). Slowly my heart softened, I could open my Bible again, I could do a daily devotional. I clung to my quiet time at the end of the day, because it was the only time I felt calm. I prayed all day long, but still, I got angry and hurt and confused. I even tried not to be a Christian for a day, and clearly that worked out well. But with every night I spent crying myself to sleep, every morning I didn't want to get out of bed, every time I sat sobbing on my bedroom floor, every angry thought I had, every bout of anxiety, the still, small voice called to me, "little girl, arise."
I couldn't articulate what He was saying until now, but something propelled me forward, helped me fall asleep at night, got me out of bed in the morning, made me dry my tears, calmed my anxious thought, and it was my Prince, calling to me, telling me that I was worthy and loved. I have come so far in a year. As I went "out on the town" last night in this town I never thought I'd be in, at a school I never wanted to go to, as I was surrounded by people who loved me and have become a huge part of my world, I couldn't help but silently thank the Lord for all He's done. A year ago I thought I'd be married by 23. I realize that's not what I want now, because it's not what He wants for me just yet. A year ago I never thought I'd want to write a book, and now that desire burns brightly within me. A year ago I sat crying over a broken 2.5 year relationship, and today I rejoice that it ended and can see the beauty and love I shared with a young man, and be grateful for all he taught me. A year ago my anxiety consumed my life. Today, although at times it consumes me, it does not dictate my day-to-day life. Every step of this journey God has coached me, saying "little girl, arise."
Today I arise from the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the confusion, the desperation, the depression, and the anxiety. Today, I arise because my King calls me to. I don't know what I've done to deserve this beautiful life I lead, but I am forever on my knees thanking Him.
I know I won't always feel this way. I will get angry, disappointed, confused, anxious, stressed, and perhaps even depressed again, but I will have those emotions knowing I'll be happy again, because Jesus will be calling to me,
"Little girl, ARISE."
Smile, God loves you!!!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Weight.
I don't think it's much of a secret that I've gained some weight in the last year and a half, and especially the last year. I am officially almost 40 lbs heavier than I was in high school, but I think if I lost 40 lbs I'd look pretty unhealthy. When I graduated from high school I did not have hips or boobs, and I have both of those things now, so I'll never be "high school skinny."
I've always struggled with my weight, and a lot of that has to do with being a dancer. I spent about 15 hours a week in the studio, and that meant 15 hours a week of staring at myself in a leotard and tights, meaning that I could see every dimple, every pudge, etc. I look at pictures of myself in tutus and laugh- back then I thought I was HUGE and I was actually tiny. I remember there being days where I didn't want to eat, and I'd only eat an apple for lunch, but then I'd be starving by the time I got home from school and I'd eat 3 bowls of cereal. The pressure to be a stick-thin ballerina consumed me at times.
Like most college kids, I gained the dreaded freshman 15, but after counting calories and working out, by the time I finished my freshman year I was within 3 pounds of my high school weight- not too shabby, but I'm not there now. Since my sophomore year of college, I've gone through phases where I count calories really well, and then I binge eat like no other.
I'll be honest and tell you all that my self-esteem is in the toilet. I'm tired of not liking my body, of feeling ugly, etc. And that's not how God intends me to see myself. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, so why can't I see myself that way? The only way I'm going to be able to lose this weight is if I do it for the Lord. My biggest prayer lately is that I see me the way God sees me. It's such a discouragement to compare myself to others, and it's not healthy at all. So, starting today, I'm doing this for God. I'm working to cut out all the processed junk that our society shoves down our throats, and do some sort of exercise every day. For now, my goal is to lose 15 lbs. Not only that, but I'd like to run a 5k by September and I'm doing the Couch to 5K Plan. I'd like to post my progress on here every week or so. Now that it's out there for the world to see, I'm hoping to keep myself accountable to lose this weight, to tone my body. I want to honor my body by taking care of it because that's what God intended.
"All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you." -Song of Solomon 4:7
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Smile, God loves you!
I've always struggled with my weight, and a lot of that has to do with being a dancer. I spent about 15 hours a week in the studio, and that meant 15 hours a week of staring at myself in a leotard and tights, meaning that I could see every dimple, every pudge, etc. I look at pictures of myself in tutus and laugh- back then I thought I was HUGE and I was actually tiny. I remember there being days where I didn't want to eat, and I'd only eat an apple for lunch, but then I'd be starving by the time I got home from school and I'd eat 3 bowls of cereal. The pressure to be a stick-thin ballerina consumed me at times.
Like most college kids, I gained the dreaded freshman 15, but after counting calories and working out, by the time I finished my freshman year I was within 3 pounds of my high school weight- not too shabby, but I'm not there now. Since my sophomore year of college, I've gone through phases where I count calories really well, and then I binge eat like no other.
I'll be honest and tell you all that my self-esteem is in the toilet. I'm tired of not liking my body, of feeling ugly, etc. And that's not how God intends me to see myself. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, so why can't I see myself that way? The only way I'm going to be able to lose this weight is if I do it for the Lord. My biggest prayer lately is that I see me the way God sees me. It's such a discouragement to compare myself to others, and it's not healthy at all. So, starting today, I'm doing this for God. I'm working to cut out all the processed junk that our society shoves down our throats, and do some sort of exercise every day. For now, my goal is to lose 15 lbs. Not only that, but I'd like to run a 5k by September and I'm doing the Couch to 5K Plan. I'd like to post my progress on here every week or so. Now that it's out there for the world to see, I'm hoping to keep myself accountable to lose this weight, to tone my body. I want to honor my body by taking care of it because that's what God intended.
"All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you." -Song of Solomon 4:7
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Problem with Christianity
I'm sure you read the title of this blog post and thought, "wait what? You're a Christian!" and I am, and I wholeheartedly believe in God and His promises, but I also realize that despite His perfection, humans are full of imperfections.
I overheard a conversation at the nail salon last week that really got me thinking. Two women were discussing their recent moves to the south and the culture shock that occurs between the North and the South. One woman said to her friend, "now remember, you're in the Bible Belt. These people walk into an institution once a week and then think they're holier than thou. They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk." Hearing this woman say that is not the first time I've heard it; in fact, before I became a Christian, I often thought those things too. And that's the problem with Christianity, it's easy to talk the talk without walking the walk. Being a Christian is hard work. You may read that and laugh, but it is. As a Christian, a certain level of perfection is expected. I am expected to have it together, be nice to everyone, never struggle, etc. That's actually the one thing about the perception of Christianity that annoys me, and I work to break that stereotype through my blog. I want you to see that being a Christian means I still struggle, get angry, lose my temper, get annoyed, and cry in self-pity, BUT in all of that I work to turn to God and point glory to Him. I do not always succeed, but I try, and I have seen this approach to living a Christian life prove successful in reaching non-believers.
It's no secret that I love to read, and I read a lot of Christian books as well as works "traditional" works of fiction. I get frustrated with these self-help Christian books though, because none of these authors seem to "go there," and particularly the women authors don't. These amazing women of God talk about overcoming obstacles, but tip-toe around the actual sin they've faced. In fact, the only female author who has been up-front with her struggles is Mary Beth Chapman (wife to Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman). As I've stated on here before, I want to write a book one day to help young girls learn about God and the tough things we, as women, face in this society, as well as the difficulties of growing up in our culture while trying to maintain a godly life. In the book I'm reading right now, the author talks about how she struggled with living a set-apart life, particularly when it concerned sexual sin, but also discusses how she "a lot," but not "technical sex." Now that's fine and dandy, and I appreciate her vulnerability, but then she just talks about how it was difficult to flee from that temptation, but never gives tangible aspects of how she fled from it, other than remaining in on a Friday night. But, she also mentions that Christians have to live a set-apart life but not in complete seclusion. Now, my head is spinning thinking about all of that.
I work hard to be vulnerable. There are a lot of things I've struggled with that are large parts of my testimony, but I'm not comfortable sharing with the world just yet. However, I know that someday I will be. I'm also not far enough removed from some situations to share, and those situations involve other people. And some of it I'm still working through. You sure bet though that when I write that book to help young teens everywhere that I'll be honest about it, because it will also be about 15 years from now and no one will know the people I refer to, except for a few close friends. I do my best to be vulnerable on this blog, and in my every day life. I realize I'm being a little bit of a hypocrite, but I'm also not writing a book right now nor am I a professional author (yet).
Satan has been attacking me a lot lately, and in my attempts to ward off my anxiety and his attacks, I turn to scripture and work to memorize it. Lately, the one verse that keeps coming to mind is Matthew 16:24, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.'" So, the true weight of this verse hit me. We, as Christians, often talk about dying to self and living in God, and how this verse calls us to do this, but as I was reading this the other night, the word cross stuck and out something just clicked. I always thought of picking up my cross as picking up my burdens and following Christ, knowing that the burdens would lessen along the way. But no, picking up my cross means picking up my death sentence essentially. Not in a morbid way, but picking up my cross means dying to myself. Christ died on a cross, and I, too, must die on my cross. And, just like Christ, I will live an eternal life by dying on that cross. I hope this makes sense because it was a huge epiphany to me. I do not live my life for me- I live it for Him. Christians often use this verse as an example for how to live a life, and it is, it is one of the best scriptural examples, in my opinion. However, we don't let the weight of it sink in. So, let it sink in. We must die to ourselves in order to live a Christ-like life. Being a Christian is almost like dying every day, because every day we make a choice to die to self; every day we make a choice to live like Christ; every day we surrender our hearts and allow God to fill in the gaps.
The problem is not with Christianity as a whole, but the problem lies in individual Christians and our ability to become of the world. The beauty of all of this though, is that picking up our cross may be scary and heavy, but it can be done, and knowing that every Christian must do the same thing means that you're not alone. You're never alone.
Smile, God loves you!
I overheard a conversation at the nail salon last week that really got me thinking. Two women were discussing their recent moves to the south and the culture shock that occurs between the North and the South. One woman said to her friend, "now remember, you're in the Bible Belt. These people walk into an institution once a week and then think they're holier than thou. They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk." Hearing this woman say that is not the first time I've heard it; in fact, before I became a Christian, I often thought those things too. And that's the problem with Christianity, it's easy to talk the talk without walking the walk. Being a Christian is hard work. You may read that and laugh, but it is. As a Christian, a certain level of perfection is expected. I am expected to have it together, be nice to everyone, never struggle, etc. That's actually the one thing about the perception of Christianity that annoys me, and I work to break that stereotype through my blog. I want you to see that being a Christian means I still struggle, get angry, lose my temper, get annoyed, and cry in self-pity, BUT in all of that I work to turn to God and point glory to Him. I do not always succeed, but I try, and I have seen this approach to living a Christian life prove successful in reaching non-believers.
It's no secret that I love to read, and I read a lot of Christian books as well as works "traditional" works of fiction. I get frustrated with these self-help Christian books though, because none of these authors seem to "go there," and particularly the women authors don't. These amazing women of God talk about overcoming obstacles, but tip-toe around the actual sin they've faced. In fact, the only female author who has been up-front with her struggles is Mary Beth Chapman (wife to Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman). As I've stated on here before, I want to write a book one day to help young girls learn about God and the tough things we, as women, face in this society, as well as the difficulties of growing up in our culture while trying to maintain a godly life. In the book I'm reading right now, the author talks about how she struggled with living a set-apart life, particularly when it concerned sexual sin, but also discusses how she "a lot," but not "technical sex." Now that's fine and dandy, and I appreciate her vulnerability, but then she just talks about how it was difficult to flee from that temptation, but never gives tangible aspects of how she fled from it, other than remaining in on a Friday night. But, she also mentions that Christians have to live a set-apart life but not in complete seclusion. Now, my head is spinning thinking about all of that.
I work hard to be vulnerable. There are a lot of things I've struggled with that are large parts of my testimony, but I'm not comfortable sharing with the world just yet. However, I know that someday I will be. I'm also not far enough removed from some situations to share, and those situations involve other people. And some of it I'm still working through. You sure bet though that when I write that book to help young teens everywhere that I'll be honest about it, because it will also be about 15 years from now and no one will know the people I refer to, except for a few close friends. I do my best to be vulnerable on this blog, and in my every day life. I realize I'm being a little bit of a hypocrite, but I'm also not writing a book right now nor am I a professional author (yet).
Satan has been attacking me a lot lately, and in my attempts to ward off my anxiety and his attacks, I turn to scripture and work to memorize it. Lately, the one verse that keeps coming to mind is Matthew 16:24, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.'" So, the true weight of this verse hit me. We, as Christians, often talk about dying to self and living in God, and how this verse calls us to do this, but as I was reading this the other night, the word cross stuck and out something just clicked. I always thought of picking up my cross as picking up my burdens and following Christ, knowing that the burdens would lessen along the way. But no, picking up my cross means picking up my death sentence essentially. Not in a morbid way, but picking up my cross means dying to myself. Christ died on a cross, and I, too, must die on my cross. And, just like Christ, I will live an eternal life by dying on that cross. I hope this makes sense because it was a huge epiphany to me. I do not live my life for me- I live it for Him. Christians often use this verse as an example for how to live a life, and it is, it is one of the best scriptural examples, in my opinion. However, we don't let the weight of it sink in. So, let it sink in. We must die to ourselves in order to live a Christ-like life. Being a Christian is almost like dying every day, because every day we make a choice to die to self; every day we make a choice to live like Christ; every day we surrender our hearts and allow God to fill in the gaps.
The problem is not with Christianity as a whole, but the problem lies in individual Christians and our ability to become of the world. The beauty of all of this though, is that picking up our cross may be scary and heavy, but it can be done, and knowing that every Christian must do the same thing means that you're not alone. You're never alone.
Smile, God loves you!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Outgrowing Things
(I realize I've been posting a lot lately, and I'm sorry about that, but I've been kind of bored and writing keeps me from getting too anxious.)
I think most kids have a favorite piece of clothing that they like to wear when they're little. Mine just so happened to be a purple dress with white flowers around the waist. I wore it to my first, and last, Daddy Daughter dance with my dad in Kindergarten. I wore that dress to his funeral. I wore that dress on picture day in 1st grade...and in second grade. Any time my mom would let me wear it, I would. I loved that dress, and it was a fancy dress to me, and I felt pretty wearing it. Well, the day came when the dress no longer fit. I outgrew it. Caroline now plays dress up in that dress, and it's like looking back in time since she and I look so much alike. I don't know whether we're in 2013 or 1997. I've come to realize these last few months that I've kind of outgrown my hometown, Marietta.
When I came to UGA, people always said you couldn't go to school here and not spend a summer in Athens, at which I rolled my eyes and thought "yea right." Well, actually, they were right. Even finishing freshman year, and sophomore year, I didn't think I'd spend a summer here. A lot of that had to do with the boyfriend I had at home, but I also didn't think I could spend more time away from my family than I already was. Funny thing is, now thinking about spending the summer in Marietta makes me cringe. Last summer was, well, miserable. None of my friends were in Marietta: some were abroad, scattered across the country in their hometowns, and a lot were in Athens. Pair with that a broken heart and well, I hated it. It was lonely and boring, but it did give me a great chance to spend time with Mom and G. Caroline and Drew also became my best friends since I spent the majority of the summer with them (some may call it sad, I call it being an aunt.) I also got to spend a lot of time with Jackie and grow closer, which is great.
Marietta holds a lot of memories- good and bad. To think I never wanted to leave that town and now I don't want to go back. I wish I could transport my house and my family to Athens. Granted, I do always breathe a sigh of relief as I drive through the back roads of Kennesaw Mountain and the battlefields because it means I'm home, and it's what I know. I go to be with my family, and that's all that keeps me in Marietta, which is fine because we all know I'd die without the love, support, and laughter that my family supplies me with.
My heart is in Athens, GA- a place I certainly would never have expected it to be. I love this town and this campus so much that I want to go to graduate school here. It's funny because I do like this location because it's not to far from home, but to me, home is where my family is. There are certain comforts of my house, the big blue house I've lived in since I was 3. But we don't take the possessions of this world with us (now I know I won't feel that way when it comes time to leave that house, but I digress). In thinking about grad school I don't want to go anywhere too far from home, but we have this magnet that sits on the fridge at home that says, "Home is Where Your Mom is," and that's really what I mean when I say I don't want to go too far from home. I'm a Mama's girl and I take comfort knowing she can come visit me and go home all within one day.
Marietta holds a lot of memories for me, it's where I grew up, and I've lived there my whole life, but my heart is in Athens. And just like that purple dress, I think I've outgrown it and it's time to go on to bigger and better things and places (even though Athens is smaller!).
Smile, God loves you!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Fearless
Yes this is my second post this week, but I write when I need to calm myself down.
I'm a worry wart. This, too, manifested itself as a part of my life after my dad died. It's something I really don't like about myself. It's a daily struggle for me. I worry about where I'll be tomorrow. I worry about what I will be doing in 5 years. Will I get married? Will I have babies? to: Am I doing enough for my family? Let me also mention I have control issues. I hate not being with my family, because I feel like I have some control when I'm with them. No, I do not want to control what they do, but I feel like I have control that I could be there in 5 minutes if they needed me. My worry used to be debilitating.
I was a senior year in high school when my inability to sleep really got started. My worry kept me awake at night. I was just so anxious about what the next year in college held for me. I'm also the type of person who does not function well on little sleep. But, when I lay in my bed for 8 hours, I'm really probably getting about 6 hours of sleep. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to bed. My mind starts reeling and I just can't turn it off. Over the last 3 years it's gotten a lot better, but it comes and goes. Right now, with finals and realizing I'll be student teaching in a few months and knowing I'll be in Athens all summer...I'm anxious. Add to that that there are some tough things going on with the people I love; I'm not sleeping. You can all see that by the fact that I'm writing on this blog at 1:30 in the morning. I'm usually in bed by midnight. My residents see me up past midnight and ask if I'm ok! My residents...another cause of my worry: did I do enough for them? Was I a good RA? Did I make a difference? Did I offer them each the individual support they needed? I just don't know. Needless to say I haven't been falling asleep until close to 3 am every night and then sleeping until noon. This has to stop before I got home for my 3 week break because two of my little chickadees like to come in my room around 8:30 saying "Toria are you awake?" Oh how I love my little Robby and Caroline (and Drew, Jacob, and Kristy and Luke's little one who hasn't joined us yet!)! Which leads to something else...
I follow the Tripp Halstead updates on Facebook. For those of you who don't know, Tripp Halstead is a two year old who, in October, was hit in the head with a tree limb while playing outside at daycare. It was a freak accident and left him severely brain damaged. Anyway, I was looking at their page and looked at the albums from before his accident. And I thought, "all they did was send their little boy to daycare like they do every other day." And I thought about the Sandy Hook tragedy, and those people just sent their children to school, something millions of people do on a daily basis. Things change in the blink of an eye. So why do I allow my worry to consume my thoughts so much that I can't live in the present? I frustrate myself so much by doing this.
My mom and my sisters tell a story about me from when I was little, before my dad died. I was a fearless child. Like most suburban neighborhoods, we have a pool down the street, and we spent almost every day during the summer at the pool. Well, when I was learning to swim I hated my floaties, but what kid doesn't? I wanted to be like my sisters and swim without help and in the deep end. So in the 2 seconds in which my family would turn around to put my floaties in the pool bag, I would run full speed ahead and throw myself into the pool (such an obedient child, clearly.). Needless to say I would give everyone a heart attack and someone would have to jump in after me and save me. I'm sure my family learned to anticipate this happening.
I would jump into those waters because I knew someone would save me. I knew that with help my head would pop back up out of the water. The water should have been scary, but I had no fear of it, I knew I would have help and no one would let anything bad happen to me. This leads me to my question: Why am I not like that with God? Trusting God is like standing on the edge of the pool, I say I run into those waters, but right as I get to the edge I hesitate. Why? Because it's scary- but jumping into that pool was scary. But I knew my family would save me. Well, the Bible teaches me that God will always save me. In fact, I've already been saved through Christ. But Satan tells me otherwise. He tells me that there are dangers in those waters. Satan tells me that God won't be there to save me. Yet I've seen throughout so many times in my life, especially in the last year, that God will never abandon me. He won't ever let me get to a point where I'm not capable of being saved. But it's hard. It's hard to dive into the deep end with God. So many aspects of this world tell me no.
As I watched the news today I saw coverage of the Boston bombers, and then learned that there was a shooting at the Houston airport. My heart breaks. And the only thought that came to my mind was, "this world needs Jesus." We live in a scary world, and our lives can change in an instant. And following God and jumping into the depths of his love and water is hard; it's scary, because sometimes He gives us answers we don't want, and sometimes He allows us to go through things so that He can refine us. But why am I so fearful all the time? I don't want the enemy to win my heart or my thoughts. I want God to.
I want to be fearless.
Do you?
Smile, God loves you!
"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
"Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more that food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6: 25-27
I'm a worry wart. This, too, manifested itself as a part of my life after my dad died. It's something I really don't like about myself. It's a daily struggle for me. I worry about where I'll be tomorrow. I worry about what I will be doing in 5 years. Will I get married? Will I have babies? to: Am I doing enough for my family? Let me also mention I have control issues. I hate not being with my family, because I feel like I have some control when I'm with them. No, I do not want to control what they do, but I feel like I have control that I could be there in 5 minutes if they needed me. My worry used to be debilitating.
I was a senior year in high school when my inability to sleep really got started. My worry kept me awake at night. I was just so anxious about what the next year in college held for me. I'm also the type of person who does not function well on little sleep. But, when I lay in my bed for 8 hours, I'm really probably getting about 6 hours of sleep. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to bed. My mind starts reeling and I just can't turn it off. Over the last 3 years it's gotten a lot better, but it comes and goes. Right now, with finals and realizing I'll be student teaching in a few months and knowing I'll be in Athens all summer...I'm anxious. Add to that that there are some tough things going on with the people I love; I'm not sleeping. You can all see that by the fact that I'm writing on this blog at 1:30 in the morning. I'm usually in bed by midnight. My residents see me up past midnight and ask if I'm ok! My residents...another cause of my worry: did I do enough for them? Was I a good RA? Did I make a difference? Did I offer them each the individual support they needed? I just don't know. Needless to say I haven't been falling asleep until close to 3 am every night and then sleeping until noon. This has to stop before I got home for my 3 week break because two of my little chickadees like to come in my room around 8:30 saying "Toria are you awake?" Oh how I love my little Robby and Caroline (and Drew, Jacob, and Kristy and Luke's little one who hasn't joined us yet!)! Which leads to something else...
I follow the Tripp Halstead updates on Facebook. For those of you who don't know, Tripp Halstead is a two year old who, in October, was hit in the head with a tree limb while playing outside at daycare. It was a freak accident and left him severely brain damaged. Anyway, I was looking at their page and looked at the albums from before his accident. And I thought, "all they did was send their little boy to daycare like they do every other day." And I thought about the Sandy Hook tragedy, and those people just sent their children to school, something millions of people do on a daily basis. Things change in the blink of an eye. So why do I allow my worry to consume my thoughts so much that I can't live in the present? I frustrate myself so much by doing this.
My mom and my sisters tell a story about me from when I was little, before my dad died. I was a fearless child. Like most suburban neighborhoods, we have a pool down the street, and we spent almost every day during the summer at the pool. Well, when I was learning to swim I hated my floaties, but what kid doesn't? I wanted to be like my sisters and swim without help and in the deep end. So in the 2 seconds in which my family would turn around to put my floaties in the pool bag, I would run full speed ahead and throw myself into the pool (such an obedient child, clearly.). Needless to say I would give everyone a heart attack and someone would have to jump in after me and save me. I'm sure my family learned to anticipate this happening.
I would jump into those waters because I knew someone would save me. I knew that with help my head would pop back up out of the water. The water should have been scary, but I had no fear of it, I knew I would have help and no one would let anything bad happen to me. This leads me to my question: Why am I not like that with God? Trusting God is like standing on the edge of the pool, I say I run into those waters, but right as I get to the edge I hesitate. Why? Because it's scary- but jumping into that pool was scary. But I knew my family would save me. Well, the Bible teaches me that God will always save me. In fact, I've already been saved through Christ. But Satan tells me otherwise. He tells me that there are dangers in those waters. Satan tells me that God won't be there to save me. Yet I've seen throughout so many times in my life, especially in the last year, that God will never abandon me. He won't ever let me get to a point where I'm not capable of being saved. But it's hard. It's hard to dive into the deep end with God. So many aspects of this world tell me no.
As I watched the news today I saw coverage of the Boston bombers, and then learned that there was a shooting at the Houston airport. My heart breaks. And the only thought that came to my mind was, "this world needs Jesus." We live in a scary world, and our lives can change in an instant. And following God and jumping into the depths of his love and water is hard; it's scary, because sometimes He gives us answers we don't want, and sometimes He allows us to go through things so that He can refine us. But why am I so fearful all the time? I don't want the enemy to win my heart or my thoughts. I want God to.
I want to be fearless.
Do you?
Smile, God loves you!
"Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
"Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more that food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6: 25-27
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