On this day fourteen years ago, my sisters and I lost our dad, my mom lost her husband, my grandmother her son, my aunts their brother, and many people lost a good friend. For some reason, this day this year has been much harder than in past years. Lately I've felt like I'm mourning the loss of my dad again, which they say happens as you get older, and it's natural, but let me frank...it sucks.
I only had 6 years with my dad, but in those first 6 years I knew my daddy loved me and would do anything for me. I have fond memories of playing Beauty and the Beast with my rocking horse, pretending to be pirates with stick-swords on the back swing set, attempting to learn how to ride a two-wheeler, trips to Dairy Queen after pre-school, learning that "a Rivard NEVER lies," and eating bologna sandwiches. My favorite memories of this time as being a family of six consist of sitting around the dinner table. I remember giggling, hearing about everyone's days, and table manners. My dad always emphasized family, family is your priority, and you do anything for those that you love. My dad also taught me how to play "war" the card game, chased me around the house with sweaty T-shirts, and so much more. My dad gave me my nickname "Vickie Faye" and no one really calls me that, it was a name reserved especially for Daddy.
The day my dad died haunts my memories, and it probably will forever. But that's OK, because I had an amazing father figure for the first 6 years of my life. I've realized through all that I've been going through in the past few months that I have a lot of unresolved issues revolving around my dad's death, and I think that's why I'm having such a hard time working through whatever it is I'm going through. This last month I have missed him so much, and it's been so hard not to think about how my life would be if he were here. I know I wouldn't be who I am, and I can see God's hand in all of this, but I still can't help but ask "why?" I know many of my fears, anxieties, and depression symptoms are rooted in my dad's death, and I'm hoping that with counseling and God's guidance and love, I can one day say I've overcome these things.
One thing about today though, it makes me realize what an AMAZING woman I have to call as my mom. If you don't know my mom, you should. For those who know my mother, you know the incredible love she has that radiates through a room. My favorite smell in the whole world is the smell of my mom. That may sound weird, but I know many of you think the same way. There is just something so comforting about my mom's distinct smell. I don't know if it's her lotion, the faint smell of sterilizer (from the hospital where she works), her make up, perfume, or maybe a combination, but there isn't anything I find more comforting. My mom listens to every complaint I have, wipes away too many tears to count, has fixed so many boo-boos, and is the one person I always want to hold me when I cry. She's the first person I call when I have good news, and she always has the right words to say. God knew what He was doing when He placed my mom in the role that she has as a single mother. I don't know how she's done it. I think I was about 15 before it really occurred to me that not only did I lose my dad, but my mom lost her husband and love of her life. I'll say it over and over again- I don't know how she has done it or does it every day. She dealt with four girls handling their father's death in extremely different ways, she raised 3 teenagers at the same time. My mom did whatever she could to ensure that we could each still be involved in whatever extracurriculars we wanted to be. My mom has made sacrifices and so much more. If you ask her how she has done it, she will say she didn't do it alone- talk about being humble! Yes, she had help, but she was at the forefront of it all. She never missed a game, a recital, a play, she sat front and center cheering the whole time. As a nurse, my mom has touched countless people's lives. Her hands heal through God's touch. She gets countless cards and gifts of thanks from her patients, and not every nurse can say that. My mom has set an example of humility, strength, compassion, patience, and so much more. I know my dad must look at my mom from heaven and think "wow, I couldn't have picked a better woman to spend my life with than Pam." My mom's big heart doesn't stop with her children, she took in our friends when they needed places to stay, whether it be for a holiday, while their parents were away on business, for the summer, or for a few months to get away from home. My mom loves making big meals-and thank goodness because we're now a family of 13 1/2 (with baby Workmon #3 on the way). My mom is the most selfless person I know. I hope and pray that I can be the kind of woman she is. If I can be half the woman my mother is, I've been successful.
Yes, I miss my daddy. Today was a rough day, and I know it was for my mom, my aunt, and my sisters. I get sad thinking of all of the things my dad has missed, but then again, I know he's watching us. But in this sadness, I can be grateful for the amazing woman I have as a mother.
Smile, God loves you.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
In the world, of the world, what's the difference?
We live in a dark world. It's the cold, hard truth. This darkness is never more evident than at a college football game. Disclaimer: I love UGA, I love UGA football, but in our song the words are "ain't nothin' finer in the land than a drunk, obnoxious Georgia fan." We, as Georgia fans, are notorious for being rude, whether we win or lose. Yesterday was the UGA vs. FAU game, and it's one of the few home games I get to go to this season, so of course I went. As you all know, I experienced a large renewing of faith this summer, and my life has changed, so I guess that's why my eyes have been opened to this darkness more now than in my last two years at Georgia.
There is nothing in the Bible against drinking, and I, personally, am not against it. I have many friends that drink, and I plan on doing so, and I don't mind being around people who drink. BUT my "style" is much more about people who drink socially and have a good time, not act a fool and trashy when you can't walk straight or know you won't remember today, tomorrow. Now, hanging out around alcohol is somewhat difficult for me because I am in a position of leadership. I don't want my residents, or others who know I'm an RA, to get the wrong impression of me, or think I'm a hypocrite for the example I'm trying to set. The same goes for my SAO sisters. So while it's so hard to not be around it on game days, I do my best to always have a bottle of water in my hand, and not the infamous solo cup, even if it is only filled with soda. I know that, but others don't. It really gets under my skin when there are people in my same-type leadership position, who have 30-40 18 year old freshmen looking up to them, and they succumb to the darkness of this world and act foolish while drinking alcohol. The Bible warns against its excess, not its existence.
The darkness continues as you walk to the stadium and here the F-bomb issued every 5 seconds, hear students being disrespectful to alumni, and seeing parents so drunk they don't notice their two year old getting lost in the crowd. Now, in order to sit in the student section at UGA, you must show your ID and get a special wrist band. I don't know what the heck was going on last night, but they only allowed the students to enter through one section (this disorganization is a blog post in and of itself, so I won't get into that). It was like a mob, people yelling "LET US IN!" and pushing forward. My friends and I got separated and of course no one has service inside the stadium, but I just wanted to know why everyone could not just take a deep breath and be patient while we all tried to get inside the beloved Sanford Stadium. Oh yea, the majority of them were drunk. Then you have the 35 year old who has his student ID from 1995 trying to get into the student section for the sole purpose of hitting on freshmen girls. EWWW.
Sometimes I just think we all need a reminder that we do not stop being Christians during a football game. We get sucked into games, and I understand that we get angry and a curse words slips out, I'm guilty of it. Getting angry with the game is one thing, but you don't need to yell obscene words at the players, push and shove those next to you, get hammered, and then pretend everything is OK in church on Sunday morning.
Romans 12:2 and John 15:19 tell us that God calls us not to be of the world, but in the world. And I think this is something I struggle with immensely. We are to live in the name of Christ, and do everything while trying to honor God, the father. It's hard to look at these people on game day in Athens and remember that they are God's people. It's hard not to judge them, but I do sometimes. Yesterday as I was tailgating my heart was literally breaking for this world. I mentioned this summer that I often have dark thoughts about my life, but lately these thoughts have turned into, "man, I just wish I were in Heaven already." I could happily watch my family and friends, but I would be with Jesus, where there is no pain. I could dance on golden streets with my grandma and my dad, and wait for the days when my family would join me. Building 429, a Christian group, have song lyrics that say, "take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong. All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong." And it was all I could do to sing that in my head yesterday. I don't know how to be in the world. How do I invest in people and not care about their salvation? While I struggled with this so much last night and prayed about it all evening...
What was the message about at church this morning? 2 Corinthians 5:11-21, where Paul directs the people in the church of Corinth to do all things in Christ's name, and never give up and never stop praying. God's funny, huh? I like to take notes during the sermon, that way I'm sure to pay attention and I can better reflect on the sermon when I have my quiet time before bed, so here are a few of today's highlights. Pastor Carlos opened with a question: "What are we, in today's world, doing to make sure others come to eternal life and glory?" Paul says we should try to persuade men. Not persuade in a sense that my belief is better than yours, but show them the amazing-ness that is eternal life in Christ, and show them what God's love is. We are to do this with a sound mind. We do this in response to the love of Christ because it compels us to do so. Here's the hard part: we are to regard NO ONE from a worldly point of view. It's not "just my boss" or "just the girl in my class" or "just the boy who serves food in the dining hall". They're children of the Almighty. We are to "report to duty" and pour into this people. We work as Christ's Ambassadors to reconcile others because He reconciled us. We are to pray for these people and never give up on them. This isn't easy. I struggle, man oh man, I struggle. I guess I'm asking for those of you who read this to help me be in the world and not of it, to invest but not become invested. How do you all do it? What makes it easier?
Smile, God loves you.
"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father will be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."
-John 14:13-14
There is nothing in the Bible against drinking, and I, personally, am not against it. I have many friends that drink, and I plan on doing so, and I don't mind being around people who drink. BUT my "style" is much more about people who drink socially and have a good time, not act a fool and trashy when you can't walk straight or know you won't remember today, tomorrow. Now, hanging out around alcohol is somewhat difficult for me because I am in a position of leadership. I don't want my residents, or others who know I'm an RA, to get the wrong impression of me, or think I'm a hypocrite for the example I'm trying to set. The same goes for my SAO sisters. So while it's so hard to not be around it on game days, I do my best to always have a bottle of water in my hand, and not the infamous solo cup, even if it is only filled with soda. I know that, but others don't. It really gets under my skin when there are people in my same-type leadership position, who have 30-40 18 year old freshmen looking up to them, and they succumb to the darkness of this world and act foolish while drinking alcohol. The Bible warns against its excess, not its existence.
The darkness continues as you walk to the stadium and here the F-bomb issued every 5 seconds, hear students being disrespectful to alumni, and seeing parents so drunk they don't notice their two year old getting lost in the crowd. Now, in order to sit in the student section at UGA, you must show your ID and get a special wrist band. I don't know what the heck was going on last night, but they only allowed the students to enter through one section (this disorganization is a blog post in and of itself, so I won't get into that). It was like a mob, people yelling "LET US IN!" and pushing forward. My friends and I got separated and of course no one has service inside the stadium, but I just wanted to know why everyone could not just take a deep breath and be patient while we all tried to get inside the beloved Sanford Stadium. Oh yea, the majority of them were drunk. Then you have the 35 year old who has his student ID from 1995 trying to get into the student section for the sole purpose of hitting on freshmen girls. EWWW.
Sometimes I just think we all need a reminder that we do not stop being Christians during a football game. We get sucked into games, and I understand that we get angry and a curse words slips out, I'm guilty of it. Getting angry with the game is one thing, but you don't need to yell obscene words at the players, push and shove those next to you, get hammered, and then pretend everything is OK in church on Sunday morning.
Romans 12:2 and John 15:19 tell us that God calls us not to be of the world, but in the world. And I think this is something I struggle with immensely. We are to live in the name of Christ, and do everything while trying to honor God, the father. It's hard to look at these people on game day in Athens and remember that they are God's people. It's hard not to judge them, but I do sometimes. Yesterday as I was tailgating my heart was literally breaking for this world. I mentioned this summer that I often have dark thoughts about my life, but lately these thoughts have turned into, "man, I just wish I were in Heaven already." I could happily watch my family and friends, but I would be with Jesus, where there is no pain. I could dance on golden streets with my grandma and my dad, and wait for the days when my family would join me. Building 429, a Christian group, have song lyrics that say, "take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong. All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong." And it was all I could do to sing that in my head yesterday. I don't know how to be in the world. How do I invest in people and not care about their salvation? While I struggled with this so much last night and prayed about it all evening...
What was the message about at church this morning? 2 Corinthians 5:11-21, where Paul directs the people in the church of Corinth to do all things in Christ's name, and never give up and never stop praying. God's funny, huh? I like to take notes during the sermon, that way I'm sure to pay attention and I can better reflect on the sermon when I have my quiet time before bed, so here are a few of today's highlights. Pastor Carlos opened with a question: "What are we, in today's world, doing to make sure others come to eternal life and glory?" Paul says we should try to persuade men. Not persuade in a sense that my belief is better than yours, but show them the amazing-ness that is eternal life in Christ, and show them what God's love is. We are to do this with a sound mind. We do this in response to the love of Christ because it compels us to do so. Here's the hard part: we are to regard NO ONE from a worldly point of view. It's not "just my boss" or "just the girl in my class" or "just the boy who serves food in the dining hall". They're children of the Almighty. We are to "report to duty" and pour into this people. We work as Christ's Ambassadors to reconcile others because He reconciled us. We are to pray for these people and never give up on them. This isn't easy. I struggle, man oh man, I struggle. I guess I'm asking for those of you who read this to help me be in the world and not of it, to invest but not become invested. How do you all do it? What makes it easier?
Smile, God loves you.
"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father will be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."
-John 14:13-14
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Making a Difference
When I was about 13, just around the time I was getting diagnosed with anxiety, I was beginning to question my purpose in this world. Hey, it was middle school, and no one quite knows who they are yet (heck, I still don't.) My grandma suggested that I write down my life goals and work towards them, then she told me to tuck them away and take them out from time to time. So I wrote down my life goals, most of them were mediocre: fall in love, get married, become a mom, but one of them wasn't so mediocre: change a life.
I stated in a previous post that I don't take compliments well, and I don't. I also don't share this goal with many people, but at an SAO recruitment event this last Sunday, we were asked to share a goal, and I shared that one. My sweet friend Sarah stopped me and said, "but Victoria, you change lives every day, just by being an RA." And through this depression I've had so many people reach out to me saying that I've made an impression on their life, but the thing is, I can't seem to believe it. Yes, I've been doing much better in terms of this depression, but I've also had to realize that I've been this deeply depressed for over a year but I just denied it. I've twisted myself into thinking that I'm not good enough, that I don't touch any lives, and that I shouldn't be here. I can see the fact that I'm helping people, that's evident in just the little questions I answer on a day-to-day basis: "Which bus do I take?" "How do I get in touch with my advisor?" "How do I load money onto my Bulldog Bucks account?" etc. etc. But honestly, I know any number of the RAs on campus that could answer those questions just as readily and successfully. I know in my heart that the voice telling me that is Satan, and I know that, it's believing it that's the issue. I know God put me in this building, in this hall, specifically for the 26 young women I live with, but it's so hard for me to truly believe it. All future plans for my life went completely out the window, and I realized that for the last however many years that I've been depressed without noticing it, I've missed out on my life. I've spent so much time planning the future that I failed to enjoy each day. Sometimes I feel like I just rush through the day so I can crawl into my bed in a heap of utter exhaustion, only to toss and turn all night thinking and being anxious, and then the cycle starts all over again. I have been making a concentrated effort to live life day by day. Lately I've considered my day a success if I was actually able to figuratively keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've allowed Satan to control so much of how I think, feel, and act, and that's not OK. I'm working really hard to not make it that way. One thing Jackie asks Caroline when she's misbehaving is if she's being kind. When Caroline is "disrespectful" (in 2 year old terms) Jackie's first response is, "Caroline, are you being kind?" and then Caroline usually says "no" and then Jackie, or Andrew, explains what the kind response to a situation would be. I often ask myself this question throughout the day..."Victoria, are you being kind?" I do it with my thoughts too, especially when I get annoyed with people. Was that thought a kind thought, if it wasn't, how I can I turn it into one? It's difficult. I try to answer every question with kindness and a smile. Sometimes all I can do is smile and be kind while I'm fighting my anxiety behind my exterior. I hope that maybe, just maybe, this action and behavior will help me to convince myself that I am changing, or at least making an impression, on people's lives. The devil LOVES to make me feel insecure. He constantly tells me that I'm ugly, fat, rude, unwanted, undeserving, unworthy, not friendly, and the list goes on and on. But at least if I smile that something I know people will look at, which takes away my worries about my exterior appearance, and if I'm kind I'm not being rude or not friendly. I just wish I could believe that I'm changing lives when God uses people to reaffirm that through their conversations with me.
When I get into bed at night, I ask myself whether the day was Satan's or God's. If I know that I at least tried to hand my thoughts over to Him, allow Him to motivate my actions, or glorified Him, then the day was His. I put a sign beside my bed that says, "Satan CANNOT have this day," and I touch it every night before I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake up (and sometimes in the middle of the night when I can't sleep). I believe in the almighty and all powerful Lord. I don't doubt Him, His power, His love, His mercy, or His plan, but I do doubt myself, and all things about myself. But hey, at least I'm trying.
Smile, God loves you.
Psalm 121
"I lift my eyes up to the hills,
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
He who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
will never slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
The Lord is the shade at your right hand'
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore."
I stated in a previous post that I don't take compliments well, and I don't. I also don't share this goal with many people, but at an SAO recruitment event this last Sunday, we were asked to share a goal, and I shared that one. My sweet friend Sarah stopped me and said, "but Victoria, you change lives every day, just by being an RA." And through this depression I've had so many people reach out to me saying that I've made an impression on their life, but the thing is, I can't seem to believe it. Yes, I've been doing much better in terms of this depression, but I've also had to realize that I've been this deeply depressed for over a year but I just denied it. I've twisted myself into thinking that I'm not good enough, that I don't touch any lives, and that I shouldn't be here. I can see the fact that I'm helping people, that's evident in just the little questions I answer on a day-to-day basis: "Which bus do I take?" "How do I get in touch with my advisor?" "How do I load money onto my Bulldog Bucks account?" etc. etc. But honestly, I know any number of the RAs on campus that could answer those questions just as readily and successfully. I know in my heart that the voice telling me that is Satan, and I know that, it's believing it that's the issue. I know God put me in this building, in this hall, specifically for the 26 young women I live with, but it's so hard for me to truly believe it. All future plans for my life went completely out the window, and I realized that for the last however many years that I've been depressed without noticing it, I've missed out on my life. I've spent so much time planning the future that I failed to enjoy each day. Sometimes I feel like I just rush through the day so I can crawl into my bed in a heap of utter exhaustion, only to toss and turn all night thinking and being anxious, and then the cycle starts all over again. I have been making a concentrated effort to live life day by day. Lately I've considered my day a success if I was actually able to figuratively keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've allowed Satan to control so much of how I think, feel, and act, and that's not OK. I'm working really hard to not make it that way. One thing Jackie asks Caroline when she's misbehaving is if she's being kind. When Caroline is "disrespectful" (in 2 year old terms) Jackie's first response is, "Caroline, are you being kind?" and then Caroline usually says "no" and then Jackie, or Andrew, explains what the kind response to a situation would be. I often ask myself this question throughout the day..."Victoria, are you being kind?" I do it with my thoughts too, especially when I get annoyed with people. Was that thought a kind thought, if it wasn't, how I can I turn it into one? It's difficult. I try to answer every question with kindness and a smile. Sometimes all I can do is smile and be kind while I'm fighting my anxiety behind my exterior. I hope that maybe, just maybe, this action and behavior will help me to convince myself that I am changing, or at least making an impression, on people's lives. The devil LOVES to make me feel insecure. He constantly tells me that I'm ugly, fat, rude, unwanted, undeserving, unworthy, not friendly, and the list goes on and on. But at least if I smile that something I know people will look at, which takes away my worries about my exterior appearance, and if I'm kind I'm not being rude or not friendly. I just wish I could believe that I'm changing lives when God uses people to reaffirm that through their conversations with me.
When I get into bed at night, I ask myself whether the day was Satan's or God's. If I know that I at least tried to hand my thoughts over to Him, allow Him to motivate my actions, or glorified Him, then the day was His. I put a sign beside my bed that says, "Satan CANNOT have this day," and I touch it every night before I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake up (and sometimes in the middle of the night when I can't sleep). I believe in the almighty and all powerful Lord. I don't doubt Him, His power, His love, His mercy, or His plan, but I do doubt myself, and all things about myself. But hey, at least I'm trying.
Smile, God loves you.
Psalm 121
"I lift my eyes up to the hills,
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip-
He who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
will never slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you-
The Lord is the shade at your right hand'
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm-
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore."
Saturday, August 25, 2012
A League of Their Own
"A League of Their Own" (the baseball movie about the women playing during WWII) came on this afternoon, and I was flooded with memories of my dad. On September 19, it will be 14 years since his passing, and I cannot believe it's been that long. Of course the memories of that day haunt my memories and my dreams sometimes, but I try my hardest to remember my daddy the hero and all of the good memories I have of him. I remember watching "A League of Their Own" as a family. One of my dad's favorite lines was when Tom Hanks yelled at a player "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!" Dad would often repeat those lines to me when I was whiny and cried.
I don't often allow myself to spend a lot of time thinking about my dad, because it's a wound that will never heal. I was watching Good Morning America the other day and they had a guest who had lost a loved one and that person, when asked how they've dealt with it, said, "you never get over it. You only learn to live with it." And that's so true. You learn how to live with a hole in your heart and to always feel like something is missing. I don't quite know if a day goes by where I don't think of my dad. Today though, man oh man, it hit me, and I miss my dad. I know that someday I will see him again, but today that empty piece feels really empty.
Sometimes it's hard when I look at Caroline, Robby, and Drew because I know how much my dad would love to play with them, chase them around the house, and spoil them rotten. It hurts that my dad wasn't able to walk my sisters down the aisle, and that he won't be there to do that for me. But I know he's watching us, and that he'd be so proud of the job my mom has done in raising us. I know he'd be proud of his four daughters. Sometimes I'll look at a picture of my sisters and I'm struck by how beautiful they are. When looking at a picture of the 5 Rivard women, it's like you can feel the love radiating out of the photo. I know my dad is smiling knowing how much we love each other, how much we've done for each other, and how far we'd be willing to go to ensure we're all healthy, safe, and happy.
It's hard not to think "what if?" when it comes to what my life would be like if my dad were still alive. I've been reading The Chronicles of Narnia just for something silly to read before I fall asleep, and in it, Aslan (the lion that represents God), says to the characters, "I will never let you know what might have been." And that's so true. God planned my life when He created the heavens and the earth. My life is the way it is for a reason. But today, I'm 6 years old again, hugging one of my daddy's judge's shirts, wondering "why" and "what if."
I love you, Daddy.
I don't often allow myself to spend a lot of time thinking about my dad, because it's a wound that will never heal. I was watching Good Morning America the other day and they had a guest who had lost a loved one and that person, when asked how they've dealt with it, said, "you never get over it. You only learn to live with it." And that's so true. You learn how to live with a hole in your heart and to always feel like something is missing. I don't quite know if a day goes by where I don't think of my dad. Today though, man oh man, it hit me, and I miss my dad. I know that someday I will see him again, but today that empty piece feels really empty.
Sometimes it's hard when I look at Caroline, Robby, and Drew because I know how much my dad would love to play with them, chase them around the house, and spoil them rotten. It hurts that my dad wasn't able to walk my sisters down the aisle, and that he won't be there to do that for me. But I know he's watching us, and that he'd be so proud of the job my mom has done in raising us. I know he'd be proud of his four daughters. Sometimes I'll look at a picture of my sisters and I'm struck by how beautiful they are. When looking at a picture of the 5 Rivard women, it's like you can feel the love radiating out of the photo. I know my dad is smiling knowing how much we love each other, how much we've done for each other, and how far we'd be willing to go to ensure we're all healthy, safe, and happy.
It's hard not to think "what if?" when it comes to what my life would be like if my dad were still alive. I've been reading The Chronicles of Narnia just for something silly to read before I fall asleep, and in it, Aslan (the lion that represents God), says to the characters, "I will never let you know what might have been." And that's so true. God planned my life when He created the heavens and the earth. My life is the way it is for a reason. But today, I'm 6 years old again, hugging one of my daddy's judge's shirts, wondering "why" and "what if."
I love you, Daddy.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
My Issue with Social Media
Social media is a great tool and resource, but it's also an incredible nuisance...if that's even the right word. Obviously, this blog is a form of social media, and you've either gotten to this blog because I've shared the link on Facebook, Twitter, or both. Now that I've said that please don't think of me as a hypocrite.
Lately I've felt convicted to cut back on Facebook. I hate that I get on Facebook and see girls I went to school with taking pictures of themselves making out with boys, beer can in hand, middle finger up. It breaks my heart to see sweet girls who used to be "little" when I danced with them knowing how to pose like Kim Kardashian with their boobs and butt sticking out. What really gets me, is when some people post pictures of half-naked girls saying what they'd like to "do" to her. I immediately delete those friends. Another reason I dislike Facebook: I stalk people. Everyone does. So I start out on a "friend's" page, AKA someone I went to middle school with who had a post/picture that showed up on my news feed. From that "friend" I end up on one of friend's pages, and so on and on, and eventually I'm on some random girl's facebook that lives in God knows where, coveting her life, her faith, her hair, her beauty, her body, her guy friends, basically, her everything. The one thing I don't covet are people's families, because, let's face it, I have the world's greatest one. Anyway, after I'm done coveting her life, the process starts ALL over again until I'm near tears thinking about fat, ugly, unworthy, and unlucky I am. And is this the truth?! No. Why covet other people's lives when I have an undeniably loving God, a family many would love to have, amazing friends, a great job working for and with people I adore, unbelievable sorority sisters who encourage me in my faith, and so much more. This Facebook stalking is especially bad given the really bad place I'm in emotionally. I'm barely hanging on, barely get through a day without shedding some tears, allow the evil one to take over my heart and thoughts, so why look at other people's "amazing" lives when I hardly take the time to look at my blessings? I've thought about deactivating my account for a while, but the downside is that it's a great way to communicate with my residents, it's a way my mom and sisters can be instantly updated on things I'm doing at school, it's a way to look at my precious niece and nephews, and it's an effective way to communicate with my entire sorority and staff. Still, lately I've been trying to only look at the notifications, check what I need to check, and be done. This is a challenge seeing as I've been in the habit of being on Facebook since I was 14.
Now Twitter...
I like Twitter more than Facebook for the fact that I can't end up on some random person's page coveting their life. HOWEVER, and this is a big one, I get really disappointed in the things I see. I follow celebrities, which is sometimes fun, but other times not. I used to follow "Condescending Wonka" which was really funny at first, until whoever manages the account started tweeting so much about sex positions and all sorts of derogatory comments and curse words. What really made me angry was that our school newspaper, the Red and Black, tweeted the "steamiest lines from 50 Shades of Grey" yesterday. I follow that newspaper to learn about stuff going on around campus to inform my residents about and for my own general interest. I made a moral choice not to read 50 Shades of Grey. It goes against a lot of what I believe in, and too much of any type of lustful behavior is a bad thing. I've seen people become so addicted to that book that it's all they think about, which means they're thinking about things like BDSM or whatever the acronym is, and other "sexy" thoughts. I purposely chose not to read that book, so I really did not appreciate reading those "steamy" lines. I felt corrupted and awkward when I would start to read the tweet thinking it was about an article, only to find out it was about an article of clothing, or lack of.
Alright, enough with my rant. I'm really trying to read and surround myself with uplifting words, things and people. Today, per the recommendation of my big sis, Ansley, I've started reading Beth Moore's Believing God. I've only read the first chapter, and I was already on my knees praying and crying. I also have an incredible praise though, and that's for my amazing residents. I prayed fervently for them since May, and I prayed God would hand pick the girls for me and me for the girls, and He has proven that He has done so. These girls. Are. Amazing. They're kind and open and come hang out in my room to watch TV and talk. Many have approached me about their love for Jesus and we've gotten to talk about Him. Even though I'm struggling a lot right now with my anxiety and depression, I know at least one of these girls will have a question to ask me, or need me for something, so glory to God for that. I ask that you all please continue on this journey with me, and keep me and my residents in your thoughts and prayers. I'm using this as a time to serve God through serving my residents. Please pray I don't get too distracted with the battle raging within my head and heart that I forget to enjoy these little joys and moments in my life.
Smile, God loves you!
Victoria
"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go."
-Isaiah 48:17
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Surrender
Hi my name is Victoria Rivard and I am a perfectionist. There, I said it.
As I sit writing this both Caroline and Drew are napping which means I'm alone with my thoughts which often means "DANGER AHEAD" so here we go.
So, given that I'm a perfectionist, I like things neat, tidy, and organized (although you wouldn't know that from my room at home right now, just ask my mom!) I have high expectations for myself, and I like to succeed, failure is NOT an option. I plan everything, I mean everything. My planner is color-coordinated. I like to think I can put everything, mentally and physically, in neat little boxes and tie pretty ribbons around them and keep them nice and organized. I'm pretty sure God has an incredible sense of humor. I guess I should have realized this when I ended up at UGA when I was 18. If you had asked me my senior year, I was NOT going to UGA. I was going to Furman...until I realized I couldn't afford it. Little did I know that UGA was exactly the place for me. I wouldn't trade my experiences there or the friends I've made for the world. I also thought I was going to be an elementary school counselor...then I became an English Education major at the end of Freshman year. (Let's be real about that change though, no one was surprised given the amount I read and love editing papers.) So this last year I had my entire future planned out. Again, God laughed, and because of recent events, that plan has been shattered. All of those pretty little mental boxes that I talked about? Yea, they've been opened and they're scrambled all over my brain. So lately, with me mourning the beautiful future I had planned out, I've been clinging to my faith. I feel like I'm in a hurricane and my faith is this tiny little twig of a tree than I'm holding onto for dear life. But isn't that we're called to do as Christians; cling to our faith when it seems there is nothing else?
I've mentioned before that I've been doing this 3 week bible study called "Living a Surrendered Life," well who knew it would call you to surrender at the end of it? It seems stupid, but I didn't think like that. So these last few months, and really last year, I've been fervently praying for God to show me SOMETHING, ANYTHING to save me, to show me life is worth it. Well as I desperately prayed on my knees about two nights ago this voice told me "tomorrow." So all day yesterday I was thinking, "alright, God, was that really you, or was it the evil one putting his stupid little voice in my head again?" I prayed that the voice be God's. Well, the bible verse of the day yesterday was about how God has done his work today and it's already been decided...something along those lines, so I knew the voice was God's. Then a sweet friend of mine from high school reached out to me. She's been through a similar situation to mine and offered some wonderful, heart felt words of encouragement in my faith. Man, they were words sent straight from God's mouth. I'm so glad she allowed the Spirit to move her to talk to me.
Before last night, I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and I needed to jump into the waters below. Land is what I know: it's predictable, safe, and I can keep track and plan what happens there. But the water? That's where God wants me to be, that's where He is, but I can't control what goes on down there, and I'm full of fear and anxiety.
Then last night, my last night of the bible study, the scripture was the well known Matthew 16:24-26: "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world yet forfeit their soul?'" So the whole "pick up your cross and follow me" has been my motto for awhile, but I felt like my cross was twice my size and I was more dragging it to follow Jesus than simply picking it up and walking, but I'm sure a lot of us feel that way. "Whoever loses their life for me will find it." It's like God said, "well there ya go, Vic. It's right there. I'm commanding you to jump," and then He pushed me off that cliff. Cue the "Free Fallin'" music. I needed this journey of the last year to get me to the edge of that cliff. I had no where else to go but jump, but I was too afraid. In the words of the woman who wrote the bible study, I had to say "yes God, I surrender." And if you know me well, I do admit when I'm wrong, but I HATE giving up on things. But I'm not actually giving up, I'm jumping into those waters knowing my Savior is in them, standing with His arms wide open welcoming me to His Father's plan. The journey is by no means over, I've just started. Like I said in a previous post, I've been a believer since I was 16, but I've never fully surrendered to God's will. It's like half of me was completely surrendered, but my mind held me back. I wanted His will to be done, but I also wanted what I want (selfish, huh?) Am I afraid? Yes. Should I be? No, and I know that. I know God will give me blessings beyond my belief, and His plan is far more beautiful that anything I could imagine, but that perfectionist personality likes to get in the way.
Last night, I said "yes."
Have you surrendered?
Smile, God loves you!
-Victoria
As I sit writing this both Caroline and Drew are napping which means I'm alone with my thoughts which often means "DANGER AHEAD" so here we go.
So, given that I'm a perfectionist, I like things neat, tidy, and organized (although you wouldn't know that from my room at home right now, just ask my mom!) I have high expectations for myself, and I like to succeed, failure is NOT an option. I plan everything, I mean everything. My planner is color-coordinated. I like to think I can put everything, mentally and physically, in neat little boxes and tie pretty ribbons around them and keep them nice and organized. I'm pretty sure God has an incredible sense of humor. I guess I should have realized this when I ended up at UGA when I was 18. If you had asked me my senior year, I was NOT going to UGA. I was going to Furman...until I realized I couldn't afford it. Little did I know that UGA was exactly the place for me. I wouldn't trade my experiences there or the friends I've made for the world. I also thought I was going to be an elementary school counselor...then I became an English Education major at the end of Freshman year. (Let's be real about that change though, no one was surprised given the amount I read and love editing papers.) So this last year I had my entire future planned out. Again, God laughed, and because of recent events, that plan has been shattered. All of those pretty little mental boxes that I talked about? Yea, they've been opened and they're scrambled all over my brain. So lately, with me mourning the beautiful future I had planned out, I've been clinging to my faith. I feel like I'm in a hurricane and my faith is this tiny little twig of a tree than I'm holding onto for dear life. But isn't that we're called to do as Christians; cling to our faith when it seems there is nothing else?
I've mentioned before that I've been doing this 3 week bible study called "Living a Surrendered Life," well who knew it would call you to surrender at the end of it? It seems stupid, but I didn't think like that. So these last few months, and really last year, I've been fervently praying for God to show me SOMETHING, ANYTHING to save me, to show me life is worth it. Well as I desperately prayed on my knees about two nights ago this voice told me "tomorrow." So all day yesterday I was thinking, "alright, God, was that really you, or was it the evil one putting his stupid little voice in my head again?" I prayed that the voice be God's. Well, the bible verse of the day yesterday was about how God has done his work today and it's already been decided...something along those lines, so I knew the voice was God's. Then a sweet friend of mine from high school reached out to me. She's been through a similar situation to mine and offered some wonderful, heart felt words of encouragement in my faith. Man, they were words sent straight from God's mouth. I'm so glad she allowed the Spirit to move her to talk to me.
Before last night, I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and I needed to jump into the waters below. Land is what I know: it's predictable, safe, and I can keep track and plan what happens there. But the water? That's where God wants me to be, that's where He is, but I can't control what goes on down there, and I'm full of fear and anxiety.
Then last night, my last night of the bible study, the scripture was the well known Matthew 16:24-26: "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world yet forfeit their soul?'" So the whole "pick up your cross and follow me" has been my motto for awhile, but I felt like my cross was twice my size and I was more dragging it to follow Jesus than simply picking it up and walking, but I'm sure a lot of us feel that way. "Whoever loses their life for me will find it." It's like God said, "well there ya go, Vic. It's right there. I'm commanding you to jump," and then He pushed me off that cliff. Cue the "Free Fallin'" music. I needed this journey of the last year to get me to the edge of that cliff. I had no where else to go but jump, but I was too afraid. In the words of the woman who wrote the bible study, I had to say "yes God, I surrender." And if you know me well, I do admit when I'm wrong, but I HATE giving up on things. But I'm not actually giving up, I'm jumping into those waters knowing my Savior is in them, standing with His arms wide open welcoming me to His Father's plan. The journey is by no means over, I've just started. Like I said in a previous post, I've been a believer since I was 16, but I've never fully surrendered to God's will. It's like half of me was completely surrendered, but my mind held me back. I wanted His will to be done, but I also wanted what I want (selfish, huh?) Am I afraid? Yes. Should I be? No, and I know that. I know God will give me blessings beyond my belief, and His plan is far more beautiful that anything I could imagine, but that perfectionist personality likes to get in the way.
Last night, I said "yes."
Have you surrendered?
Smile, God loves you!
-Victoria
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Sweet Caroline
I think we've already established that I'm weird. Just to add to the weirdness, you all know I'm obsessed with my niece and nephews. I annoy my friends with pictures and stories of them. But, you know what? I don't really care. I love them like they were my own.
During my senior year of high school, my AP Language teacher gave an assignment to write an autobiography about an event that changed our lives. The assignment just so happened to come about a week after Caroline was born. So what did I write about? Sweet Caroline. I started out the paper with the lyrics to the infamous song, "Sweet Caroline, bum bum bum." On family road trips, my dad used to make sure we screamed the "bum bum bum" at the top of our lungs. Here's a disclaimer though, she wasn't named after that song, it was just a connection I had made. Well, on the day Caroline was born, I was at school and received a text from my mom that said, "Jackie's in labor. Please go let their dogs out." Really, Mom, really? That was it? Of course now this is something my family laughs about now; my mom was at the hospital with Jackie and Andrew, so she was slightly distracted. Needless to say, I left school and headed to let the dogs out, then to the hospital.
As I drove to Jackie and Andrew's to let the dogs out, I was so excited. I had never been around a new born, and since Caroline was my first niece, I had anxiously awaited her arrival. Because I'm so much younger than my sisters, we always joked around that I'd be the "cool" aunt: the one to pick them up from school and get ice cream and go see a movie, the one who could have them over for sleepovers and spoil them rotten, which I do, with pleasure : ]
On my way to the hospital, I looked up on that sunny January day, not a cloud in the sky, and saw a rainbow- a sign from God. It was like He was saying, "remember this, Victoria. A special little girl is about to capture your heart." Kristy was on a business trip and wouldn't arrive until the next day, and Courtney was living in California at the time, already booking a flight to come to Marietta, so I represented the Rivard sisters at this special time. When Caroline came into this world, we (both Workmon and Rivard families) headed up to meet the precious angel. I had never seen a newborn before, let alone held one, and Caroline was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I don't understand how people can see, or hold such a tiny creature and not believe in God's love. She was so fragile and special. Now, Faith is a family name, given to my great-grandmother, then became my mother's middle name, my middle name, and Caroline's middle name. In a way, she is kind of named after me (sort of). I wanted to be with that little girl day and night. I don't have a younger sibling, so I've never known the protective love you can feel for someone younger than you, but the second I held that little girl, I felt it. Ever since that day she was born, I've felt so convicted that some day Caroline will need me, and no one else. I don't know how or why, but I just know. I've shared this with my mom, and she's had the same conviction.
Here we are 2 1/2 years later, and Caroline brings so much joy to my life. She certainly is a blonde haired, blue eyed beauty, but most importantly, she has a gorgeous heart. The best days while I was at school this last year were when she would call or Skype me. Just hearing the words "Hi Towia!" warm my heart and bring a smile to my face. Of course now she has mastered the "R" so it's "Toria," but I love it just the same. I've been blessed this summer because Jackie and Andrew asked me to watch the kids for a few days a week, and I love it. I love getting to watch the milestones in her (and my nephews') lives. From her first steps to first words to learning to use the potty, I've seen it all, and I thank God for that. Caroline is HILARIOUS. She knows just what to say to make me laugh, whether it's her expert singing abilities, being sweet to her little brother, or responding with "Princess Ballerina" when you ask her what her name is. And perhaps the greatest thing is that she already has a heart for the Lord. Just today she was singing worship songs to Drew while having her hand on his head like she was blessing him. I was having a rough day the other day, so I started praying, and Caroline came up next to me and folded her hands and started whispering then turned to me and said, "AMEN!" One of her favorite books right now is "The Stable Where Jesus was Born," and a few days ago she fell asleep in her crib reading it but it fell out and I looked on the video monitor and heard her screaming "JESUS! JESUS! I NEED MY JESUS!" Granted she was talking about a book, but still. When I have a bad day, I just need to get around Caroline and she will make me laugh and smile, guaranteed. She is proof that a little faith (get it? Our middle name?) is all you need to make you happy. A few weeks ago I was having a really rough day and crying to my mom and Courtney, well, sobbing is more like it. Caroline walked in, saw me, ran to me, handed me CoCo (her blanket) gave me a kiss, and sat in my lap. She made me cry even more because of the compassion held in that 2-year-old heart. I am so grateful God gave me the opportunity to spend so much time with Caroline and Drew this summer, and the time to spend in North Carolina with Robby.
While in North Carolina, I again had a rough night and was talking with Courtney and told her sometimes the only reason I get up in the morning is for those 3 little faces that belong to Caroline, Robby, and Drew. I don't want them to think their Aunt Toria/RaRa will ever leave them, I want to be able to share my journey with them some day, and let them know it's OK to be weak. Courtney asked me what I would do for them, and I said I would walk through fire. She gave me a hug and said, "Kiddo, this is fire." So I guess here I am, walking through fire for that one day when Caroline will need me. (I know they all need me in some way, and I love them all with every fiber of my being, no one more than the other, but I just have such a strong conviction about that little girl.) I hope some day the fire cools and I can walk with a little more confidence, but right now I walk through it for three little faces I couldn't love any more than I already do.
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
- Romans 8:18
Smile, God loves you,
-Victoria
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