Surrender

Hi my name is Victoria Rivard and I am a perfectionist. There, I said it.
As I sit writing this both Caroline and Drew are napping which means I'm alone with my thoughts which often means "DANGER AHEAD" so here we go.

So, given that I'm a perfectionist, I like things neat, tidy, and organized (although you wouldn't know that from my room at home right now, just ask my mom!) I have high expectations for myself, and I like to succeed, failure is NOT an option. I plan everything, I mean everything. My planner is color-coordinated. I like to think I can put everything, mentally and physically, in neat little boxes and tie pretty ribbons around them and keep them nice and organized. I'm pretty sure God has an incredible sense of humor. I guess I should have realized this when I ended up at UGA when I was 18. If you had asked me my senior year, I was NOT going to UGA. I was going to Furman...until I realized I couldn't afford it. Little did I know that UGA was exactly the place for me. I wouldn't trade my experiences there or the friends I've made for the world. I also thought I was going to be an elementary school counselor...then I became an English Education major at the end of Freshman year. (Let's be real about that change though, no one was surprised given the amount I read and love editing papers.) So this last year I had my entire future planned out. Again, God laughed, and because of recent events, that plan has been shattered. All of those pretty little mental boxes that I talked about? Yea, they've been opened and they're scrambled all over my brain. So lately, with me mourning the beautiful future I had planned out, I've been clinging to my faith. I feel like I'm in a hurricane and my faith is this tiny little twig of a tree than I'm holding onto for dear life. But isn't that we're called to do as Christians; cling to our faith when it seems there is nothing else?

I've mentioned before that I've been doing this 3 week bible study called "Living a Surrendered Life," well who knew it would call you to surrender at the end of it? It seems stupid, but I didn't think like that. So these last few months, and really last year, I've been fervently praying for God to show me SOMETHING, ANYTHING to save me, to show me life is worth it. Well as I desperately prayed on my knees about two nights ago this voice told me "tomorrow." So all day yesterday I was thinking, "alright, God, was that really you, or was it the evil one putting his stupid little voice in my head again?" I prayed that the voice be God's. Well, the bible verse of the day yesterday was about how God has done his work today and it's already been decided...something along those lines, so I knew the voice was God's. Then a sweet friend of mine from high school reached out to me. She's been through a similar situation to mine and offered some wonderful, heart felt words of encouragement in my faith. Man, they were words sent straight from God's mouth. I'm so glad she allowed the Spirit to move her to talk to me.

Before last night, I felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and I needed to jump into the waters below. Land is what I know: it's predictable, safe, and I can keep track and plan what happens there. But the water? That's where God wants me to be, that's where He is, but I can't control what goes on down there, and I'm full of fear and anxiety.

Then last night, my last night of the bible study, the scripture was the well known Matthew 16:24-26: "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world yet forfeit their soul?'" So the whole "pick up your cross and follow me" has been my motto for awhile, but I felt like my cross was twice my size and I was more dragging it to follow Jesus than simply picking it up and walking, but I'm sure a lot of us feel that way. "Whoever loses their life for me will find it." It's like God said, "well there ya go, Vic. It's right there. I'm commanding you to jump," and then He pushed me off that cliff. Cue the "Free Fallin'" music. I needed this journey of the last year to get me to the edge of that cliff. I had no where else to go but jump, but I was too afraid. In the words of the woman who wrote the bible study, I had to say "yes God, I surrender." And if you know me well, I do admit when I'm wrong, but I HATE giving up on things. But I'm not actually giving up, I'm jumping into those waters knowing my Savior is in them, standing with His arms wide open welcoming me to His Father's plan. The journey is by no means over, I've just started. Like I said in a previous post, I've been a believer since I was 16, but I've never fully surrendered to God's will. It's like half of me was completely surrendered, but my mind held me back. I wanted His will to be done, but I also wanted what I want (selfish, huh?) Am I afraid? Yes. Should I be? No, and I know that. I know God will give me blessings beyond my belief, and His plan is far more beautiful that anything I could imagine, but that perfectionist personality likes to get in the way.

Last night, I said "yes."

Have you surrendered?

Smile, God loves you!
-Victoria