There is no other way to say it, I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm tired. And I've realized that, well, that's the life of a teacher- any adult really. I don't even have responsibilities of paying bills (other than my credit card) or taking care of a family. I can't remember being this tired since I became an RA- when I felt like I was juggling so many things and if one fell the world would end. My anxiety and depression have been acting up too, which is hard for me to say.
When I'm not busy, I'm apathetic, so basically Monday through Thursday I'm going going going like the energizer bunny and then on Thursday evening I just sit there for a while and stare into space and the loneliness sets in. My friends are great, I will say that. They still invite me to things and check in on me during the week. Still, since I've suffered with this anxiety disorder since I was 13 I know my triggers and the signs that things are going poorly, and apathy is definitely one of those things. I also have zero desire to schedule an appointment with a doctor which is another sign that things aren't too great. But God is faithful, and He never gives us more than we can handle, His strength is far greater than mine, so I lean on Him because my strength is human, fragile, and fleeting, but His is endless.
Wednesday was a good day at RCA, a really good day. I planned the whole day's lesson, and it went so well! On Monday I did a prezi presentation and gave students Cornell notes (guided notes) on literary devices. I started with 5 simple ones- onomatopoeia, personification, simile, metaphor, allusion. On Wednesday I had students rotate through stations, but they only went to 2 or 3. For onomatopoeia they had a story board where they had to write a short, 5 sentence story and illustrate each sentence and one box on the board had to have onomatopoeia in it. For personification (I stole this idea from a cohort member) they put notecards on their foreheads with an object written on them- they didn't know the word, and their group members had to describe the word using human characteristics (ex: "the sun" written on a card, they say "you're hot" "you light up the world" "the world revolves around you," etc.). For allusion they did poetry with one of the counselors who did spoken word in college. For simile they created limericks with Allisa. For metaphor I let them listen to Katy Perry's "Firework" and they had the lyrics and had to circle the metaphors in the song, then they had to write 10 lines of a song or rap that included at least one metaphor. I was SO impressed with them! As the day went on I learned what worked and what didn't, but the students LOVED it and asked if I could be their teacher all the time so they could do fun stuff like that. I told them that when I do start teaching them more we will have to read and write still, but I will try to plan fun things. It was so nice for them to say such sweet things to me. Allisa and I strategically planned this for the day before break. Students have today and next week off for Fall Break, so it was a nice and easy day for them.
Besides that, I had my mid term check in with my supervisor for English Ed today, and she had nothing but nice things to say. All of my teachers say I am "on the ball" and have great teaching ideas. While this is nice, I know I'm not perfect and I sometimes wish they would give more feedback than "you're fabulous." As someone who is learning, it would be nice to be able to sit down and hear specific areas where I could improve, but oh well. I left the meeting praising God for all the times He multiplied the hours in the day, gave me strength to continue, and blessed me with a fabulous MT.
Allisa really is awesome- she's an innovative teacher, so she allows me to bring in ideas and be creative with what I do. Even though RCA is an innovative school, I have certainly seen the backlash Allisa gets for her creative ideas, so I see some of the things I will deal with when I teach in less than a year (YIKES).
I feel like either my personal life is great and my academic/professional life isn't, or the other way around. G was in the hospital this week, and it killed me not to be home. He's going home this evening and is MUCH better, praise God. Satan has also been bringing up my past relationship a lot to taunt me with, and it's super annoying. Satan often tells me that I'll end up alone and as I've said before, that terrifies me. I have SO many worries about the future, but I keep telling myself that God will provide. My room is messy which always makes me cranky (my room at school, not home-that's always a mess!), but I'm just too tired to get it done.
I just hate this apathy. I'm over it. As much as I'm looking forward to the break from RCA this week it makes me nervous that I'll have so much free time and time to think, which is when I tend to self-destruct. For now, God has given me another day, and for that I am grateful.
Smile, God loves you!!
"I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you." -Genesis 28:15
You sound like you're on your way to becoming a successful teacher! I really enjoyed reading through your blogs about your struggles and successes in life. Bravo to you! You mention a lot about your past relationship, which sounds like it was hard, but I don't see where it was hard. I am still struggling with a ended relationship as well, so I would love to hear what challenges you've overcome. Who would ever want to get rid of such a success?
ReplyDeleteSuch a wonderful read. Thanks for sharing!