I feel like I say this every time, but it's been a while since I've posted.
My main question tonight is why does God do what He does? Tonight I have a heavy heart. My grandpa really is not doing well and it really hurts me to see him in so much pain. I know my mom gets frustrated since she is the only one with him all of the time. It kills me to be away from home; I just want to be there to help. I often think about transferring to KSU to live at home. I feel like if I could be home I could help with things around the house with my mom, grandpa wouldn't be home all the time, I could spend more time with Caroline and Drew and help Jackie and Andrew, etc. etc. It's something I'm really struggling with right now. But I know I wouldn't be happy at home, and I know God wants me at UGA. I'll be home for the summer soon (thank God) and hopefully I will feel more peace about all of this.
I also found out a while ago that my former ballet teacher has Aplastic Anemia, which is a really dangerous disease. My mom, who is a nurse, explained to me that Ms. Natalie, the ballet teacher, would be in a lot of pain and that it was a difficult disease. It's been a few years since I've seen Ms. Natalie, but we still email every now and then. I've always looked up to her for the great dancer she is and the wonderful woman of Christ that she is. She has been updating her blog with news about her being in the hospital, and tonight I read her caring bridge site. Hearing about her time in ICU and all of the scary things that are going on really got to me. I really am having a hard time understanding why God allows us to go through so much pain. I know that as humans we are sinful and that God gives us situations that will make us stronger, but it still hurts. It hurts me to know how much pain she is in, and how angry she is. What gets me the most is when she mentioned about her two young children not having a mother. I wasn't much older than Ruth, her 4 year old, when my dad died. I just remember how confusing it all was, and the day he died still haunts my memories sometimes. Thinking about her kids really really gets me. After 13 years I've come to peace with the fact that my dad died. My life would be completely different if he were here and I would not be who I am. But I think of her sweet little children and the pain that will come with knowing their mommy is sick. I know why God took my daddy away, but I can't wrap my head around why he takes parents away from the other innocent little kids.
I just don't understand...
Praying for you always.
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ReplyDelete(^^Oh, that is so awkward. Stupid blogger. I just wanted to fix a typo. Meh.)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your Grandpa. He is such a wonderful and kind man.
And I understand the confusion (And, I don't know about you, but for me, anger). And it's annoying that we know we deserve it, as humanity. But that feels less direct than if it was actually specifically: us, like that we, specifically chose to not listen to God.
But, you know, we never ask God, "Why do you love us so much that you give us a chance at an eternity with you in paradise?" Instead we ask, "Why God won't you pull us out of this hole we dug for ourselves (and keep digging throughout our lives)?"
It's still upsetting, and I think it's hard. And it will always be hard. And we're always going to wish we do something about what happens here, but all we are really in control of is where we're going to end up. And, that, really, is a blessing in itself. And, if we're lucky, we can take everyone we love with us. An eternity of being free from pain and with the ones we love. That is pretty great.
I don't know. Maybe all of that is wrong, but that's how I'm trying to see it. (And I am definitely not the one who's got it all figured out, so I'd take it with a grain of sand.) I'm sure I'll be angry and disagree with this soon, and question God and be angry with him all over again. Because that's what we do. We think we have things figured out, and then the world turns upside down again. But someday it won't turn upside down anymore. Ever.
(Ramble, ramble, ramble... :P Miss seeing you and my other sisters from the dance family.)