Hello 2014! (cliche title, I know)

I cannot believe that 2013 came and went. 2013 began with me recovering from my 2nd surgery to remove 2 more benign tumors from my breast, for a total of 4 tumors over 2 years (all benign, praise the Lord! And this is very common for young women, so friends, consider this a PSA to check yourselves!). 2014 was brought in with a stomach bug, which my mom thinks is the flu, even though I got my flu shot, but I always trust the nurse. I'm still recovering, but pretty bored out of my mind-there are only so many episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians that a girl can watch, you know? 

2013 was certainly a whirlwind; I feel like I can't even remember it all! What I do know is how grateful I am to God for giving me another year on this earth, preparing me more and more each day to live eternity with Him someday (hopefully not soon!). 

As this new year begins, it begins with a taste of something bittersweet. Grandpa, or "G", really isn't doing well, and it breaks my heart to see him this way. He went on peritoneal dialysis for his kidneys several month ago, and in an effort to get the fluid to drain, he broke several vertebrae and is in a lot of pain. So much pain, that he's barely eating or drinking. For those of you who know me well, you know how much this kills me. My grandparents moved in when I was 8, about a year and a half after my dad died, and so G has been the male influence in my life for 13 years, and it's hard for me to imagine my life without him. I have felt God preparing me for the last year to say goodbye, but that doesn't make this any easier. This winter break has been spent shedding many tears and letting G know how much I love him. Man that guy is a fighter though, and his mind is still as sharp as a tack! He is fighting to make it to my graduation in May, but several days ago I told him it was OK if he didn't want to fight anymore. Grandpa isn't a very sentimental guy, but he squeezed my hand as I told him that, so I know he understood. Regardless, it's never easy to see someone you love in so much pain, and this has really shaken my relationship with God- I think it's only normal to be angry with God when you see someone you love hurting, but I have to remember that G was and always will be God's child before he was my grandpa. I've also been showered with love and support from my friends, which is yet another reminder of how blessed I am by the people in my life.

2013 certainly had its challenges, and I had to make some pretty tough decisions, but above all it has taught me that I really can do anything through Him who gives me strength. I've survived the realization that my loved ones won't be around forever, seeing a friend go through some awful struggles, have come out on the other side of depression, and have survived the most difficult semester of my college career and gotten used to waking up at 5:30am! 

2014 brings about a lot of change- I will be student teaching full time starting in about a week (YIKES), will graduate from college (kicking and screaming), and will (hopefully) start my first full-time job teaching. Who knows what else the year will hold?! With that being said, I do want to set some goals for 2014. I don't really like the word "resolution" for the new year, and goals always feel like they're more attainable to me. Here we go:

- Work out 3 times a week, bringing my gym bag in my car so I have no excuse not to exercise. I know this is cliche, but seriously, I'm such a better person when I exercise, and my waist line isn't exactly where it should be

- Eat clean in 2014! I've been reading so many articles lately about what processed foods do to our bodies, so I really want to cut all of that junk out and start eating food that's natural and comes from the earth (so really eat the things God created for our body to eat)

- By the end of 2014, I would like to have paid off at least $1,500 of my student loans- this number may change based on my budget with a job that I will hopefully get, but I'm graduating with A LOT of debt, despite going to an in-state school, having the HOPE scholarship, and living for free by working through college. 

- Set aside God time every day. I notice how much I change when I don't have this time, and it's so easy to say "I'll do it tomorrow" with my busy schedule, but even if it's just for a short time, I want to spend time with God each day. 

- Stick to a budget! I really struggle with this, so I need to stick to it!

- Work on my "short fuse." My sisters and I all inherited our dad's anger and his short-temper, so this is something I really want to work on in 2014. 

- Really make a difference in students' lives. Enough said.

Well, despite this being a long post, I feel like I have more to write, but since I've been in bed for the last 2 days, sitting up for this amount of time is making my head pound, so for now...

Smile, God loves you!

Life reflects the heart...

Whoa I'm writing two days in a row?! Why yes, yes I am. In all actuality I'm on duty, can't leave the building, and am avoiding doing my video analysis for my portfolio defense on Monday. And, well, avoiding moping around that I chose this weekend to be on duty when everyone is out having fun and I can't go. But I digress.

I was catching up on a couple of the devotions I missed this last week, and I found one that stuck with me a lot, especially after last night's post. The verse for the day was 

As in water face reflects face, so a man's heart reveals the man.

-Proverbs 27:19

This, paired with the devotion that followed, really struck me. Some of the highlights include:

"The reflection of our heart is seen in our lives as an exact replica. Our lives testify to what is in our heart."

"How someone lives reveals to you the things they hold dear in their heart."

I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago with my good friend Elisabeth; we were catching up over coffee and updating each other on our lives. She told me a story about a woman that she works with. She said that this woman curses a lot and is anything but pleasant to her coworkers. Elisabeth said it's a known thing to avoid her. Anyway, this woman wasn't at work one day and was apparently at a church function, and coworkers said the woman was heavily involved in her church. Elisabeth explained her shock to me and then had an alarming thought that I think a lot of Christians face at one time or another- "Are people shocked when they learn that I love Jesus?" I think the fact that Elisabeth and I (and many of my friends) can talk about Jesus and our love of God in public, that we aren't afraid to pray over our meals, etc., reveals that we certainly aren't ashamed in our faith, but are people shocked when they learn that I have a heart for the Lord?

A heart for the Lord.

Is that evident in the way I act towards others? When people meet me or interact with me is there something different about me? I've interacted with several people that I just knew from the minute they stepped in the room that they were Christians. I could tell by the way they introduced themselves and by the kindness they immediately showed to others. Then one way or another this would be confirmed either in something they or someone else said. I wasn't surprised. 

When I was going through my depression last year I prayed so much that God's light would shine before me and that when people met me they would see something different, but that it wouldn't be me they would see, but God. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was from a resident last year; she said that in my email welcoming the residents to the hall she could tell I was a Christian. An email?! Talk about something impersonal, but she said she could just tell. 

My fear is that I've lost that "sparkle." Not because God isn't glowing within me, but am I allowing it to shine through me? Am I allowing His love to shine through my insecurities? Through my shortcomings? Am I boasting in my weaknesses to bring Him all the more glory? I can say that honestly, at times, no. 

I want people to look at me and see Jesus. I don't want others to be surprised when they see my SAO letters or the cross engraved in my ring. I want the cross engraved on my heart so that when they see me they see love, forgiveness, honesty, kindness, and friendship. I want them to see a goodness in me- a purity in my heart for God. But the goodness is not of myself- it's of the Holy Spirit and the fact that daily I surrender my heart to God's will and walk with the faith that He is in control. I ask that those of you reading this help keep me accountable to the things I pray for.

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace,seasoned with salt, so you may know how to answer everyone.

-Colossians 4:5-7

Smile, God loves you! 

Contemporary Christianity

This is more of a thought rant post...but then again, what post isn't. So there's this adorable church in Athens that always has a fantastic pumpkin patch every year. Personally, I don't know anyone who attends that church (at least that I know of, but you never know being in a sorority with 130 Christian women), but I have nothing to base this off of other than the sign that's at the front of their church. For the longest time this summer and early fall it read "Contemporary Christianity in the Classic City" (for those of you that don't know, Athens is called the "Classic City"). So I'm sure what they meant by this had more to do with contemporary music, but it brought a thought to my mind every time I drove past it...

What exactly is "contemporary" Christianity? 

With Christmas just around the corner, we know that Christianity has been around for awhile, so what does it mean to be "contemporary"? I think of contemporary dance which is kind of like a cross between ballet, lyrical, and jazz. If the Bible is God's Holy Word, then how can we live according to the Bible and be contemporary? Then it kind of hit me: We live as contemporary Christians each and every time we justify our sins. 

We live in a fallen world. It's the truth. And our world screams of sin- just turn on the TV or radio or walk into a bookstore- the temptation of sin is everywhere. Because of this, it is so easy to justify the sins that we commit. "I can vote and die for my country at 18 so it's ok for me to drink even though it's illegal." "The Bible was written thousands of years ago- they just didn't know how hard it is to abstain from sex, so it's OK if I do it." "Everyone on TV tears each other down and they're famous and make a lot of money, so it's OK for me to do that, too." "My parents are just so old they have no idea what they're talking about, so I'll snap and be rude and that's OK." And the list goes on and on and on... 

Please hear me out- I have made many of these justifications for my behavior in my life and the sins I commit. It took falling into my deep pit of depression for me to realize just how much I justified my behavior, and I catch myself doing it every day. I think it's when we stop realizing how many justifications that we make that we fall into this trap of "contemporary."

To me, contemporary means current, or up-to-date. We, as Christians, were meant to live lives above reproach. In a world full of justifications, it's up to us to make sure we don't become contemporary. To say that people in the time the Bible was written didn't have temptations is ridiculous. I think it was just last year when I was sitting in an SAO Bible study when one of my sisters brought up the fact that Jesus was a young man- I'm sure he definitely struggled with living above reproach when women approached him. Jesus is the ideal because he resisted the temptations. He went to his Father, first and foremost. He wasn't immune to sin, he just refused to succumb to it. And if we're meant to be Christ-like in how we live our lives every day, we, too, should go to the Father when we are tempted. When we find ourselves justifying our actions (which we undoubtedly will), we ask for forgiveness. The glory? He forgives us tenfold, and then our sins are as far as the east is from the west. 

All I know is that I want to be anything but contemporary.

For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity. - Proverbs 24:16

Smile, God loves you!

Busy Bee

I used to think I was busy, yet I still had so much time to watch seasons and seasons of old TV shows on Netflix. But if you ask Jackie she will tell you I still watch a lot of Netflix (thanks to her account), but now I watch TV shows while I grade papers, or make lesson plans, or create presentations. Now I laugh at how "busy" I used to be. Just earlier this week I had someone complaining to me because they "had been going non-stop since 9:30 am," and this was 6:30pm. It took everything in me to not say, "Oh really? I've been going since 5 am and I'm on duty right now and I go on my last round at midnight and won't go to bed until 1 am and then have to get up at 5 again tomorrow, so please, tell me how tired you are." But I didn't, I smiled and said that I understood and hoped they got some rest. I need to recognize that others are still busier than me, and everyone has a different level of "busy" that they can handle.

One thing I've realized- HOW ON EARTH DO ADULTS DO IT?! I can't imagine having a family to come home to, children to pick up after work, making a meal for multiple people, helping with homework, actually spending quality time with kids and a significant other. I'm exhausted and I don't have any of that. I can barely keep poor Gatsby, my fish, alive, and I mostly survive off of frozen chicken fingers and PB&J sandwiches. Add to that that kids have extracurricular activities and then to even think about how my mom did it as a single parent...phew!

I told my mom on the phone last night that this adult thing is no joke. I am grateful though that UGA allows me to have one foot in the door to adulthood, because I can definitely see how people become shocked and depressed after graduating from college. I'm sure my depression may flair up with the change because that's one of my triggers, but at least I know what it's like to go to bed at 9 and wake up at 5- that in and of itself is a lot to get used to.

This last week was a big week for me because it was my Multi Day Teach where I planned the whole week and got evaluated. Let's just say I cried at the end of the day on Monday because it was so bad. The kids would just not listen to me, I had to be the "bad cop," and to a group of 15 year old boys everything I said about the Holocaust was a sexual innuendo. Thank goodness Ansley came to Athens Monday night for SAO founder's Day and made me feel a lot better. Tuesday, the day of my formal observation, could not have gone better though! Praise the Lord! I do realize the importance of flexibility while teaching, though. We got so far behind in a novel that I ended up having to teach from that and basically make everything up the morning of, but I'll get to teach the original stuff I had planned this coming week. I'm very blessed to have such a great MT who lets me do my own thing! By the time Thursday rolled around I was so tired I just stared into space while sitting on my futon for 15 minutes. And all I did this weekend was sleep but I'm still exhausted. Needless to say, I am VERY ready for Thanksgiving next week. I can't wait to spend time with all of my little chickadees and get some much needed rest (that is until a little blonde girl that I share a room with says, "Toria! It's morning time!). I just can't wait to see Caroline, Robby, Drew, Jacob, and Olivia and hear their sweet giggles and smiles!!! Spending time with them really puts things into perspective. 

I've realized that not every day will be a good teaching day. And I will cry some days (but NEVER in front of the children, as my MT says). That is OK- it's normal even. But at the end of the day I can gladly say that God is still good. I've been working a lot lately on thanking God for all of my blessings. I'm reading a book by Ann Voskamp called A Thousand Gifts, and it's really changed the way I look at things. She emphasizes the importance of praising God in the bad times. So on Monday I cried to my mom on the phone, and then thanked God for a kind mommy, the drive back to Athens, crunchy leaves, a free meal, and the sunset that I got to witness. At the end of every day, God is still good.

Smile, God loves you!

Cravings

I should really be getting ready for bed, but right now there are too many things on my heart and mind to go to bed. Today was a good day- a really good day. I'm exhausted, as usual, but who isn't?

You all know how crazy life has been lately, but let's be honest, I thrive on being busy because it gives me less time to be inside of my head. A couple of weeks ago things were not so good- I wasn't sleeping, I was super anxious all of the time, and I could feel my old enemy named depression creeping back up again. I defeated it though (for now). I've been so good about having my quiet time, and man, am I a better person when I spend an amount of time with my undivided attention focused on God. It's not enough time, but it's the time I've dedicated each day. It really helps calm me down. I've gotten to that point again where I crave that quiet time with the Lord. It also helps that in my journal I write down my praises for the day- it consists of everything from a roof over my head to a sweet text a friend sent me. I also praise throughout the day, and it's funny- the more I praise God and all He's given me, the happier I am. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, it's when I choose to find joy in things that I truly find joy in them. Joy isn't some destination that we will one day reach, joy is here. It's now. It's a choice. 

I listen to 104.7 the Fish on my drive to school on Mondays and Wednesdays- I really like Kevin and Taylor in the morning. Anyway, about a month ago they had an interview with UGA Head Football coach Mark Richt, who is known for being a very strong Christian man, and his son. They asked Richt's son what it was like when his dad was ridiculed, and his son replied that he got more upset and offended by what others said that his dad did. He said he'd had the opportunity to watch his dad reveal who he truly was, and where his worth really lay. Kevin then asked Mark Richt to clarify, and his comment has really stuck with me. Mark Richt said that when people criticize him, they're not going after him, they're going after Georgia's head football coach. When they praise him, they're praising Georgia's head football coach. He said that no matter how mean people are, how cruel they are, what they say, he can turn away from it because he knows where his worth lies- in Jesus Christ. 

I literally sat in the car with chills up and down my arms. This may seem silly that a football coach saying something would get to me, but I just thought, "Wow." Someone in such a position of power who has faced immeasurable ridicule says that his worth is not in his job or his deeds, but in Jesus Christ. And I've really tried to remember this. My worth is not in what a student says to me, a rude comment, or anything else. My worth is in a man who died for me. He sacrificed his life for mine. Let that sink in for a minute. 

Last week my cohort members and I got back some not-so-good grades. The assignment was due the same week that EVERYTHING, including a 15 page case study, was due. We'd all, myself included, joked about how that particular assignment fell on the back burner. We got the grades back, and no, I was not happy. I'm used to getting good grades, and although I got a B, I knew I could have done much better. Others did worse, others did better. Normally, I would have let that grade bother me all day, but I just let it go. That grade doesn't determine what kind of person I am, whether or not I'll graduate, or what kind of teacher I'll be. In reality, it doesn't mean that much. I let it go. If you know me, I don't let things go easily, so clearly my heart is changing in some amazing ways, all thanks to His grace. 

I've been reading A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp before I go to bed each night. She writes a "dare to live fully right where you are," and it's all about finding God's blessings everywhere, even in the bad things. God doesn't make mistakes, so why I act like he does? I crave so many things in my life- chocolate, caffeine, friendship, a good job, a relationship, and more. I realized today while listening to a favorite song and driving through country roads on this crisp fall day that I'm OK. I'm ok with where my life is. I'm ok with spending a lot of time alone. I'm ok with being single. I'm ok with this crazy lifestyle. I am happy, and it feels so good. I want to crave God the way I crave all of those other things. I want to see His blessings more than I crave anything else. I want to see Him more than anything else. Voskamp's book is so amazing, but so dense with some huge ideas that I have to read slowly. I "dog eared" a page in the book from the other night, and she so eloquently says how I've been feeling lately...

She talks about a tough summer, and scar tissue- man did I have a tough summer last year and have some serious scar tissue built up around my heart. When I read Voskamp's words it was like hearing God speak straight into my heart. Yes, it's long, but read it, and let it sink in. She sums up all that I'm feeling but in such a beautiful, beautiful way. 

     "Yes, the whole of life, these exercises to break down the knotting scar tissue from the fall. A summer of pain. Always the running. A summer of grace. Always the revelation. Pain is everywhere, and whatever the pain there can be everywhere grace, and yes, Jesus, I am struggling and I get turned around but I think I know, at least in part, what I want. If I had never run, if I had never fallen, and here, I am not sure I would have known with blazing clarity. I may not know all that it means, but this is what I want. 
     This kingdom laden with glory, this, this pearl of great price, the field I'd sell everything to possess. This is the pearl that crams me with happiness that throbs, serrated edge, pit open wide for more of His glory. 
     The only place we have to come before we die is the place of seeing God.
     This is what I'm famished for: more of the God-glory.
     I whisper with the blind beggar, 'Lord, I want to see' (Luke 18:41). 
     That's my moaning pulse: 'See. See.'" (108).

Smile, God loves you!

"Don't Be a Teacher."

Looking at the title of this post, you're probably thinking, "wait, what? You're an education major!" And yes, I am, but these words were spoken to me earlier today, by another teacher no less. 

Because students took the PSAT today, our whole schedule was thrown off and administrators combined two lunches, so Allisa and I sat with two other teachers I don't know very well. When Allisa got up lunch early to make copies, I was sitting at the table alone with these two women, and as soon as Allisa left, the griping and complaining began (Allisa is very positive and only confides in me and one or two other teachers but always with a positive spin, and she does so to remain professional, so other teachers get annoyed that she isn't annoyed, if that makes sense). Anyway, one of the teachers was complaining because she teacher the Early Childhood Education class and because the schedule was thrown off, the only time her students could work with the pre-schoolers was during nap time, and she was thoroughly annoyed. She then blamed administration for the PSAT- which they didn't choose to give students the PSAT, the state did. So in her complaining she said, "Well I should just tell these students to NOT become teachers." And, um, awkward because I was sitting right there, so I laughed. She then turned to me and said, "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but RUN. Run away very quickly." 

Seriously lady?! You having a bad day gives you no reason to tell me to leave this career path. And I always get annoyed when people tell me not to become a teacher. I know I won't fully understand until I'm teaching full time, but right now, at this time in my life, I am called to be a teacher. God has done so much with me in the 10 weeks I've been a "teacher," that I know it's where I'm supposed to be. 

This made me more sad than anything else. My cohort members and I face it every day. We take a Young Adult Literature course and we have teachers at our placement schools tell us all the time that it's a shame we won't be able to teach such wonderful books because they don't meet rigor requirements. And I see this at RCA. The department head is on Allisa all the time about students getting to read choice books. Books are given Lexile scores which determine the difficulty of the text based on diction, syntax, vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. Anyway, these Lexiles aren't actually that accurate because it put The Boy in the Striped Pajamas in the 12th grade reading level based on ONE passage, when the book could be read by a "typical" 7th grader easily. Regardless, the department head is convinced we aren't giving students challenging books, but I'm sorry, the fact that we have students who have never read a book during an academic year that have read FOUR books in 10 weeks. FOUR! I read a lot, and I'm sure the majority of the 14 books I've read since school started wouldn't be a Lexile score above 9th grade, but my world is still widening because of the content of the books. He says he doesn't understand because he gives the students the texts they're going to read and they read them; he doesn't have to "pull teeth" to do so. And I'm about to sound like a fifteen year old, BUT NO DUH YOU TEACH AP AND HONORS CLASSES! I was that AP and Honors kid, I did whatever it took to get the grade, regardless of how difficult the text was. I'm not saying that students in CP (college prep) classes aren't capable of reading difficult texts- they are MORE than capable, but if I have a student who hasn't read a book of his choice since he was in early middle school, how am I going to get him to read The Scarlet Letter and not feel miserable trying to understand Hawthorne's language? The department head makes me so angry.

And this is the thing- I'm at a charter school, where being innovative and creative should be encouraged, and this guy is angry because students aren't being "challenged" enough. In a world where information comes instantly and people literally have the world at their fingertips, sitting down and reading a book does not come easily to these kids. But we had students read 44 books over their one week break. Don't tell me that's not overcoming a challenge. If I'm seeing the push back from being innovative at a charter school, what's it going to be like at a public school? My cohort members and I talk about how we want to teach at private schools so we can actually teach and not just throw information at students and act like babysitter. 

I want the government to wake up. You're asking teachers for data, scores, and evidence of students meeting standards. You're shoving standardized tests down students' throats. You're forcing teachers to focus on numbers and not on people. You're forcing teachers to stand behind a podium and deliver information hoping that students get it. And because you're encouraging the kind of teaching where students sit in their seats all day teachers are really just becoming glorified babysitters. I sat in on a faculty meeting earlier this week where faculty received information about their insurance under Obamacare. Their insurance rates DOUBLED. Doubled- a teacher, who makes roughly $35,000 a year. A teacher gets paid for working 40 hours a week. I could easily spend 50 hours at the school every week, not to mention the fact that I've spent, as a student teacher countless hours grading essays, reading notebooks, quizzes, and planning lessons. I'm not trying to say that teaching is more difficult than any other career, but I am asking that the government wake up to what's actually happening. 

My cohort, a group of 23 bright, young, energized, and creative minds is entering the work force in a less than a year, and we don't want to teach in the public education system. UGA is the 3rd ranked education school in the nation. We're supposed to be some of the best of the best, and we don't want to teach in public school. Does that not say something? Teachers are tired. On top of everything required of being a teacher, you are asking us for data on every single student. Our job isn't to make them get good grades, our job is to help them learn, and not every student can prove they've learned by taking a test. All you see is data, assessments, pre-tests, post-tests, evidence. This is what you don't see...

Based on a silly activity on personification, I got a student who wrote two sentences for an essay to write a full paragraph personifying a basketball. She did this because she was allowed to be creative. For the activity they got up and moving- we laughed, and now she knows what personification means.

We have student who was ashamed for anyone to know he was smart. Reading wasn't "cool." Thanks to the opportunity to read whatever books he wants- and everyone has to read, he's read 6 books and has made reading "cool." His friends now read. Yes, he's still failing because he doesn't turn in work, but his outlook on being smart has been transformed.

A student had a blank paper on his desk today. When I asked him why he said he's confused and was too timid to ask a question. I had to explain the assignment differently, and several times, but he left with a smile on his face and half a page written.

When I let students write a rap in order to demonstrate their understanding of metaphor, they giggled the whole time and wrote a very impressive rap. They talked about metaphor in class today in their writing assignment.

I watched with a smile on my face as a student walked to the cafeteria for lunch while simultaneously reading her book. She has a low Lexile score, yet has read 9 books so far this year. As a book mark, she keeps a list of all of the words she doesn't know and then looks them up- this isn't required. She's challenging herself. 

And finally...
I had to talk to a student in the hallway today because she broke down because she didn't get a good grade on her essay. She still has a very high B in the class, but she cried and cried because it wasn't an A and she has so much pressure on her to succeed.

What do we want- students who learn through laughter and hands-on activities where they can express their knowledge and understanding through different mediums, or students who cry hysterically because they got a bad grade on an assessment? 

These students are more than numbers. They're more than data. They are living, breathing, growing people. Life isn't easy, and forcing 35 students into a small classroom to meet standards and produce evidence of their learning isn't going to happen using one method. These students are bright, even if they don't show it. They go through a lot more than we give them credit for. And these students, they have my heart. I look forward to seeing them during the week. I worry about them. I have trouble falling asleep at night because I'm thinking of ways to make lessons fun and brainstorming ways to make that one student have a light bulb moment. 

So what do we want? Who do we want these kids to become? How can we help them?

Smile, God loves you.

Juggling Act

There is no other way to say it, I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm tired. And I've realized that, well, that's the life of a teacher- any adult really. I don't even have responsibilities of paying bills (other than my credit card) or taking care of a family. I can't remember being this tired since I became an RA- when I felt like I was juggling so many things and if one fell the world would end. My anxiety and depression have been acting up too, which is hard for me to say.

When I'm not busy, I'm apathetic, so basically Monday through Thursday I'm going going going like the energizer bunny and then on Thursday evening I just sit there for a while and stare into space and the loneliness sets in. My friends are great, I will say that. They still invite me to things and check in on me during the week. Still, since I've suffered with this anxiety disorder since I was 13 I know my triggers and the signs that things are going poorly, and apathy is definitely one of those things. I also have zero desire to schedule an appointment with a doctor which is another sign that things aren't too great. But God is faithful, and He never gives us more than we can handle, His strength is far greater than mine, so I lean on Him because my strength is human, fragile, and fleeting, but His is endless.

Wednesday was a good day at RCA, a really good day. I planned the whole day's lesson, and it went so well! On Monday I did a prezi presentation and gave students Cornell notes (guided notes) on literary devices. I started with 5 simple ones- onomatopoeia, personification, simile, metaphor, allusion. On Wednesday I had students rotate through stations, but they only went to 2 or 3. For onomatopoeia they had a story board where they had to write a short, 5 sentence story and illustrate each sentence and one box on the board had to have onomatopoeia in it. For personification (I stole this idea from a cohort member) they put notecards on their foreheads with an object written on them- they didn't know the word, and their group members had to describe the word using human characteristics (ex: "the sun" written on a card, they say "you're hot" "you light up the world" "the world revolves around you," etc.). For allusion they did poetry with one of the counselors who did spoken word in college. For simile they created limericks with Allisa. For metaphor I let them listen to Katy Perry's "Firework" and they had the lyrics and had to circle the metaphors in the song, then they had to write 10 lines of a song or rap that included at least one metaphor. I was SO impressed with them! As the day went on I learned what worked and what didn't, but the students LOVED it and asked if I could be their teacher all the time so they could do fun stuff like that. I told them that when I do start teaching them more we will have to read and write still, but I will try to plan fun things. It was so nice for them to say such sweet things to me. Allisa and I strategically planned this for the day before break. Students have today and next week off for Fall Break, so it was a nice and easy day for them.

Besides that, I had my mid term check in with my supervisor for English Ed today, and she had nothing but nice things to say. All of my teachers say I am "on the ball" and have great teaching ideas. While this is nice, I know I'm not perfect and I sometimes wish they would give more feedback than "you're fabulous." As someone who is learning, it would be nice to be able to sit down and hear specific areas where I could improve, but oh well. I left the meeting praising God for all the times He multiplied the hours in the day, gave me strength to continue, and blessed me with a fabulous MT. 

Allisa really is awesome- she's an innovative teacher, so she allows me to bring in ideas and be creative with what I do. Even though RCA is an innovative school, I have certainly seen the backlash Allisa gets for her creative ideas, so I see some of the things I will deal with when I teach in less than a year (YIKES).

I feel like either my personal life is great and my academic/professional life isn't, or the other way around. G was in the hospital this week, and it killed me not to be home. He's going home this evening and is MUCH better, praise God. Satan has also been bringing up my past relationship a lot to taunt me with, and it's super annoying. Satan often tells me that I'll end up alone and as I've said before, that terrifies me. I have SO many worries about the future, but I keep telling myself that God will provide. My room is messy which always makes me cranky (my room at school, not home-that's always a mess!), but I'm just too tired to get it done. 

I just hate this apathy. I'm over it. As much as I'm looking forward to the break from RCA this week it makes me nervous that I'll have so much free time and time to think, which is when I tend to self-destruct. For now, God has given me another day, and for that I am grateful.

Smile, God loves you!!

"I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you." -Genesis 28:15