If you haven't seen Inside Out, in it a pre-teen named Riley's emotions are highlighted. Her emotions consist of Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. Although I think most people have a lot more emotions than these 5, I've realized that lately I feel like Riley.
Not only do I feel like Inside Out, but occasionally I feel like the girl from Mean Girls who talks about wanting to go back to middle school and that she "just has a lot of feelings." Now, I work in a middle school, so I'd never like to go back to that point in time, but I do have a lot of feelings.
Since starting therapy over 6 months ago, I've realized that I have A LOT of anger. Anger at God for taking my dad, anger at my dad for not taking better care of himself, anger at how mean kids could be, anger that my brain went into self-preservation mode for me to deal with 20 years later, and the list goes on. However, anger, fear, and sadness are all wrapped into one. In March I remember being miserable and frustrated and not being able to name my emotions. I quite literally felt like I lived on an emotional roller coaster. I could go from 0-60 in 1.2 seconds.
My dad had a lot of anger, and my sisters and I have all inherited this trait in one way or another. I remember my elementary school counselor giving me coping mechanisms for this anger, including screaming into a pillow. I can remember doing this, ripping paper into pieces, and throwing rocks out of the garden beds (my grandma's idea of how to relieve negative energy). Over the years I'd stifle that anger, and then let it loose all at once, and typically on my family, occasionally on my friends.
Underneath all of that anger was sadness. My therapist said that anger is an empowering emotion, but typically underneath the anger are vulnerable emotions that we try to protect ourselves from.
They most vulnerable of all emotions is joy, which I have a very difficult time with. I love to laugh and have fun, but there is always this voice in the back of my mind telling me that deep down, I'm sad and angry and fearful.
If I envision my anger and sadness and fear all that comes to mind is a cluster of gnarled tree roots that are so entwined it's nearly impossible to tell where one ends and another begins. These last 6 months have been spent trying to pry those emotions apart, and identify which one I'm truly feeling. Beginning to separate those emotions leaves room for joy.
Because of this tangled web of gnarled roots I've kept myself from living and taking risks. I would intentionally stay in because it was safer. I would avoid social situations because they made me uncomfortable and I might experience that emotion called joy. I've been working on it, and making baby steps.
My "homework" lately is to feel the emotions that I'm feeling, rather than stifle them. This really results in me being in a crabby mood and slightly frustrated. I'm crabby, and allowing myself to be crabby. I'm having to give myself grace enough to let me be crabby. Giving myself grace is a whole other can of worms for another day. My hope in all of this is that the most I process and feel, the less terrified I am to experience joy. I'm in my twenties- I'm not tied down to anyone or anything. I should find freedom in that, not fear, not anger, not sadness, but joy.
Slowly but surely, I'll choose joy.
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