A League of Their Own

"A League of Their Own" (the baseball movie about the women playing during WWII) came on this afternoon, and I was flooded with memories of my dad. On September 19, it will be 14 years since his passing, and I cannot believe it's been that long. Of course the memories of that day haunt my memories and my dreams sometimes, but I try my hardest to remember my daddy the hero and all of the good memories I have of him. I remember watching "A League of Their Own" as a family. One of my dad's favorite lines was when Tom Hanks yelled at a player "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!" Dad would often repeat those lines to me when I was whiny and cried.

I don't often allow myself to spend a lot of time thinking about my dad, because it's a wound that will never heal. I was watching Good Morning America the other day and they had a guest who had lost a loved one and that person, when asked how they've dealt with it, said, "you never get over it. You only learn to live with it." And that's so true. You learn how to live with a hole in your heart and to always feel like something is missing. I don't quite know if a day goes by where I don't think of my dad. Today though, man oh man, it hit me, and I miss my dad. I know that someday I will see him again, but today that empty piece feels really empty.

Sometimes it's hard when I look at Caroline, Robby, and Drew because I know how much my dad would love to play with them, chase them around the house, and spoil them rotten. It hurts that my dad wasn't able to walk my sisters down the aisle, and that he won't be there to do that for me. But I know he's watching us, and that he'd be so proud of the job my mom has done in raising us. I know he'd be proud of his four daughters. Sometimes I'll look at a picture of my sisters and I'm struck by how beautiful they are. When looking at a picture of the 5 Rivard women, it's like you can feel the love radiating out of the photo. I know my dad is smiling knowing how much we love each other, how much we've done for each other, and how far we'd be willing to go to ensure we're all healthy, safe, and happy.

It's hard not to think "what if?" when it comes to what my life would be like if my dad were still alive. I've been reading The Chronicles of Narnia just for something silly to read before I fall asleep, and in it, Aslan (the lion that represents God), says to the characters, "I will never let you know what might have been." And that's so true. God planned my life when He created the heavens and the earth. My life is the way it is for a reason. But today, I'm 6 years old again, hugging one of my daddy's judge's shirts, wondering "why" and "what if."

I love you, Daddy.