Now that I'm almost (AH!) halfway through my 2nd year of teaching, I feel the need to make myself take a step back and establish some semblance of work-life balance. This is also something that God placed on my heart recently. When I'm so caught up my many aspects of work, I don't take time to focus on Him and the blessings He's given me in life in terms of people and opportunities. I feel like over this past year and a half I've learned so much about people, how to "adult," and myself, but I haven't taken much time to devote to the things that truly make me happy.
As a teacher, I can't really fathom what it's like to not bring work home with you at the end of the day. I know from seeing my brothers-in-law and sisters' careers that it's not uncommon to bring work home. I just feel like that with my job (and others in public service), you come home with not only the material aspects to work on, but also the emotional baggage that comes from working with young minds all day- did Johnny get a good meal tonight? How is Susie's parents' divorce affecting her? Edward doesn't have internet access; will he be able to get the work done that I assigned, or am I asking too much? Has Alexis stopped fighting with her mom? (Obviously these are not exact scenarios OR students' real names.) I come home so emotionally and physically drained that thinking about opening my computer for 2-3 hours makes me want to crawl into bed. Shout out to all of the parents out there- I don't know HOW you work all day and come home to take care of kids, or how you stay home and take care of kids for that matter. I don't sleep well because I'm so worried I forgot to do something or I'm worrying about how to make content come alive or that I didn't send that email. And yes, I do all of the things that you "should" or "should not" do if you're someone who struggles with sleeping.
Anyway, last year I really lost sight of the things that I enjoy, and that make work seem less stressful. God is encouraging me to take a step back and re-evaluate some things and how much of work I let leave the school with me.
One thing I've realized is that student work doesn't have to be graded right away. If I'm allotted and expected to take 2 weeks to grade projects and tests, I can most certainly take those two weeks, and I don't have to feel guilty about it. Before I was killing myself trying to grade projects and other large assignments in 2 days. To be honest, I don't do my best grading like that, and then I end up being Oprah- "You get an A! You get an A! Everybody gets an A!" and that certainly isn't an effective way to teach students.
I've had to sit back and ask myself, what are the things that make me happy?
1. My family- I got to spend this past weekend with my sister, her husband, their 4 kiddos, and my mom, and it was just what I needed. I needed to get plugged back into [some of] the most important people in my life to remind me of who I am as a person, not a teacher. It was nice to get away and not have to have tunnel vision walking through the grocery store in fear of hearing, "Ms. Rivard!"
2. My friends- I'm heading back to my stomping grounds this weekend- my beloved Athens. I can't wait to just be with my friends and again be reminded of what's truly important.
3. Exercise- I may complain to no end when the alarm goes off at 5:30, but in the end I'm glad I've done it. I used to dance 15-20 hours a week, and then for the first 2 years in college I was in a good rhythm of exercise and walked everywhere. That's when I was truly happy.
4. Blogging- I know it's cheesy, and I know I don't act like your average 23 year old, but it's always a time to dump my thoughts and often re-connect with God through what's on my heart. I've really lost sight of it in the last year and a half.
5. My cat- Lord am I going to get crap for this one. I HATED cats, and I still do in general. I just happen to love my cat. He keeps me company and makes me happy.
6. Reading- It's always been an escape and coping mechanism for me. Luckily, when you challenge your students to read 20 books, you need to read them, too, so this isn't something that's fallen by the wayside.
There are certainly more things than this, but I feel like 6 things is more than enough to concentrate on right now, alongside my daily quiet time with the Lord. I'm finding that when I'm plugged in with God and the things on my list, I'm a better person with more patience and understanding. In turn these things make me a better employee, co-worker, and teacher. Obviously I'm a single, non-parent 20-something, and I don't mean to be whiny, but these are things God has placed on my heart. I pray that in a couple of months in focusing on these things, I will be a happier version of myself. And really feel like me.
Smile, God loves you!
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Sunday, August 2, 2015
A letter to my first year teacher self (and other first year teachers)
Tomorrow is back-to-work for teachers, and as I start my 2nd year of teaching, I've been very reflective about the things I wish I knew or could have told myself as a first year teacher.
Dear first year teacher,
I know right about now everyone is telling you not to be nervous, but I'll be honest- be nervous. It's a good thing, and starting your career is intimidating. It's ok to be nervous, but don't be intimidated. You're as prepared as you'll ever be. Don't let anyone intimidate you. A teacher on their 20th year is no better of a person than you are in your 1st.
Speak up in meetings. People are expecting you to sit back and absorb more than participate. Don't be that person. Don't try to impress people, either- no one likes a show off. However, you are just as qualified as the person sitting next to you. You both have degrees behind your name and your fresh opinion on certain areas is needed. Your year of student teaching counts as a year of teaching- use those experiences to your advantage.
The people you work with can make or break your job. Teaching is hard, no one can deny that, but if you're surrounded by people you enjoy being with, it makes it easier. Plus, you'll always know who has a secret stash of advil or chocolate- both necessary for surviving this first year. You'll sit in hours upon hours of professional development, meetings, conferences, etc. If you enjoy the people you're with, it won't make it so bad. The occasional dance party will help relieve the pressures of teaching.
Find positive people and hold them close. Like I just said, teaching is hard. There are countless issues in education, and it's easy to be negative. So easy. But, you won't get through the long days if you're with negative people and are negative yourself. Sure, you'll have bad days and need to gripe/complain, but those positive people will bring you back to reality and remind you of why you do this.
If a coworker invites you to grab food/a drink after work, go. You never know what friendship you will form, and nobody will understand you like another teacher (or former teacher).
Respect your administrators. It's easy to get caught up in the moment with a student, and sometimes you need a 3rd party opinion of someone who isn't directly involved before proceeding with discipline. At the same time, don't go to your administrator (or push the white button) every time a student acts out. Once an administrator is called, the situation is out of your hands. Consulting your administrator is different that asking them to take over. PS- it's never a good idea to talk poorly about the person who gave you your job. Stay classy.
Find a mentor. Most schools put you with a mentor, but in case it isn't a good fit, you need someone you can go to with even the most trivial issues. (Fortunately for you, you got a good one!)
BE HUMBLE. Just because you're given a correction/suggestion does not mean you're a bad teacher. Teaching is an art, and the world of education is constantly evolving. People won't correct you if they don't think you're worth it. Remember that. Plus, TAKE the suggestion. Don't just let it go in one ear and out the other. Most of the time, the people observing you and giving a correction know what they're saying.
Be observant and listen to your gut. If you notice a student never eats lunch, or only eats lunch every other day, say something to your counselor. If a student wears the same shirt every day or never is prepared for class, say something. If a student's behavior changes, say something. Oftentimes this is a cry for help, and some of these kids are just looking for someone to notice.
Love a kid despite how much they drive you crazy. They notice when you care. Even if you feel like a complete failure, they notice.
Don't take everything a parent says personally. Most of the time they're embarrassed that their child acted like an idiot in your class. Keep in mind that they're sending the best they have into your classroom. Be patient and KIND. Once a parent feels like you're their ally and are truly looking out for their child's best interests, they'll be on your side 90% of the time. Take time each week to send out 2 positive emails. Some parents only hear negative things.
The first 6 weeks of school and the last 3 weeks will be the hardest you've ever worked. I'm serious. Work hard. Be dedicated. It will not go unnoticed. People notice the teacher who stays later and comes in earlier. At the same time, teaching is your job, not your life. In the beginning and the end you'll spend long hours in your classroom, but your students will survive if you take 2 weeks to return an essay instead of 1. It's also fully acceptable to dance to Destiny's Child's "I'm a survivor" on the toughest days.
Find something for YOU. And this doesn't mean coming home and binge watching Netflix with a bowl of ice cream and a glass of wine. The occasional night is OK, but take it from me, your future self 10 lbs heavier will thank you for your hobby that doesn't include binging.
I hope this helps, but chances are, you'll probably have to learn this for yourself. Until next time,
Your second year teacher self.
Dear first year teacher,
I know right about now everyone is telling you not to be nervous, but I'll be honest- be nervous. It's a good thing, and starting your career is intimidating. It's ok to be nervous, but don't be intimidated. You're as prepared as you'll ever be. Don't let anyone intimidate you. A teacher on their 20th year is no better of a person than you are in your 1st.
Speak up in meetings. People are expecting you to sit back and absorb more than participate. Don't be that person. Don't try to impress people, either- no one likes a show off. However, you are just as qualified as the person sitting next to you. You both have degrees behind your name and your fresh opinion on certain areas is needed. Your year of student teaching counts as a year of teaching- use those experiences to your advantage.
The people you work with can make or break your job. Teaching is hard, no one can deny that, but if you're surrounded by people you enjoy being with, it makes it easier. Plus, you'll always know who has a secret stash of advil or chocolate- both necessary for surviving this first year. You'll sit in hours upon hours of professional development, meetings, conferences, etc. If you enjoy the people you're with, it won't make it so bad. The occasional dance party will help relieve the pressures of teaching.
Find positive people and hold them close. Like I just said, teaching is hard. There are countless issues in education, and it's easy to be negative. So easy. But, you won't get through the long days if you're with negative people and are negative yourself. Sure, you'll have bad days and need to gripe/complain, but those positive people will bring you back to reality and remind you of why you do this.
If a coworker invites you to grab food/a drink after work, go. You never know what friendship you will form, and nobody will understand you like another teacher (or former teacher).
Respect your administrators. It's easy to get caught up in the moment with a student, and sometimes you need a 3rd party opinion of someone who isn't directly involved before proceeding with discipline. At the same time, don't go to your administrator (or push the white button) every time a student acts out. Once an administrator is called, the situation is out of your hands. Consulting your administrator is different that asking them to take over. PS- it's never a good idea to talk poorly about the person who gave you your job. Stay classy.
Find a mentor. Most schools put you with a mentor, but in case it isn't a good fit, you need someone you can go to with even the most trivial issues. (Fortunately for you, you got a good one!)
BE HUMBLE. Just because you're given a correction/suggestion does not mean you're a bad teacher. Teaching is an art, and the world of education is constantly evolving. People won't correct you if they don't think you're worth it. Remember that. Plus, TAKE the suggestion. Don't just let it go in one ear and out the other. Most of the time, the people observing you and giving a correction know what they're saying.
Be observant and listen to your gut. If you notice a student never eats lunch, or only eats lunch every other day, say something to your counselor. If a student wears the same shirt every day or never is prepared for class, say something. If a student's behavior changes, say something. Oftentimes this is a cry for help, and some of these kids are just looking for someone to notice.
Love a kid despite how much they drive you crazy. They notice when you care. Even if you feel like a complete failure, they notice.
Don't take everything a parent says personally. Most of the time they're embarrassed that their child acted like an idiot in your class. Keep in mind that they're sending the best they have into your classroom. Be patient and KIND. Once a parent feels like you're their ally and are truly looking out for their child's best interests, they'll be on your side 90% of the time. Take time each week to send out 2 positive emails. Some parents only hear negative things.
The first 6 weeks of school and the last 3 weeks will be the hardest you've ever worked. I'm serious. Work hard. Be dedicated. It will not go unnoticed. People notice the teacher who stays later and comes in earlier. At the same time, teaching is your job, not your life. In the beginning and the end you'll spend long hours in your classroom, but your students will survive if you take 2 weeks to return an essay instead of 1. It's also fully acceptable to dance to Destiny's Child's "I'm a survivor" on the toughest days.
Find something for YOU. And this doesn't mean coming home and binge watching Netflix with a bowl of ice cream and a glass of wine. The occasional night is OK, but take it from me, your future self 10 lbs heavier will thank you for your hobby that doesn't include binging.
I hope this helps, but chances are, you'll probably have to learn this for yourself. Until next time,
Your second year teacher self.
Friday, June 19, 2015
A Teacher's Perspective...
I remember the first time I realized that race "meant" something to people. I don't like to use the term "color blind," but I have always noticed race the way I notice that the sky is blue or cloudy, and that the grass is green- it's just a part of life. I was 6 and in the 1st grade, and my Girl Scout Troop was headed to our meeting place for our weekly meet-up. We met in a neighborhood club house that was across the street, so we walked most of the time. In true Girl Scout fashion, we utilized the buddy system and were all told to grab someone's hand. Growing up in West Cobb County in the 90s and 2000s, the demographic consisted mostly of white, middle-class families (although this demographic changed over the course of my time in school). We had one African American in our troop, I'll call her Sally. I knew Sally was black, but I knew I was white- it was just the way things were, and I liked Sally just the same. When it was time to pair up, Sally went to grab another girl's hand as her buddy. This young lady turned away from Sally, looked at our troop leaders and said, "I don't hold those people's hands." One of our leaders quickly stepped in without missing a beat and said, "Well Sally is such a sweet girl, I'd like to be the one to hold her hand today."
In my 6 year old brain I went through the reasons someone wouldn't want to hold Sally's hand- she didn't smell funny, she wasn't mean, she didn't say things that were "weird." The only difference was that Sally was black.
I grew up in a home where race was discussed, but I had never heard of white privilege until I went to college. I'll start by saying that I consider myself conservative politically, but I'm more of an "independent." I always tend to vote for the lesser of two evils because I never 100% agree with everything a politician stands for, especially when it comes to education reform. There are some things I'm more liberal about, and some I'm conservative about. This concept of white privilege kind of threw me for a loop- I've faced adversity. My dad died when I was 6 (I was there), I found my grandmother dead Christmas morning when I was 13, I knew we sometimes struggled financially as a single-parent household, I was putting myself through college, and I felt I had rightfully earned everything I had accomplished in life. I had no idea that many of these things came easily to me because I was white. When these discussions started I was kind of hurt and felt like anyone could pick themselves up by their bootstraps- it was the American way.
It all started to make sense when I read a list of products that are catered toward white people that people of color are not given "access" (for lack of a better word) to. This list included things like the fact that people of color couldn't find their favorite foods at the grocery store, or that it was found in the ethnic foods aisle, that hair care products were found in the ethnic hair care aisle- as if everyone who isn't white is labeled as "ethnic." I had noticed these things, but it all came down to a band-aid.
Yes, a band-aid. I had never thought about the fact that band-aids are marketed as "flesh toned," and they all come in various shades of peach. As if the only color of flesh there is has a peach undertone. This is where it hit me- I can go out and easily find something to match my "flesh tone," but not everyone else can. This was my "ah-ha" moment, if you will.
My next big wake up call came when I was student teaching in Rockdale County. I was in a Title 1 area, and out of 180 students, about 15 of them were white. I remember noticing this, but again, not thinking anything of it. It wasn't until a fellow RA, who is black, asked me if I felt like I was able to connect with all of my black students. I had been at the school for about 6 weeks at that point and thought that my lack of connecting was because I was timid and learning the ropes. I didn't think about the fact that I was a young, white, middle class college student and to many students I didn't "get" them. I can also say this freely because as I got to know these students, many of them told me this information. It wasn't until I took the time to connect with them, which one day came in the form of me singing the Fresh Prince lyrics, or telling them that I'd lost my dad at a young age, that they realized they could trust me. At times this has nothing to do with race, but mostly the fact that many of my students had been let down by adults in their lives and now knew they had an adult who loved them and valued them.
This last year as a first year teacher was tough. Amidst me trying to figure out what I was doing, topics came up such as Ferguson, Eric Garner, and more. It's difficult to figure out where I'm crossing the line as an educator- are these things their parents intentionally don't want them to know about the world? But then I think that they're 13 and 14 and see more on social media than I ever thought possible. I remember reading an article about the impact of social media- we were discussing Michael Brown and how the media took to his Facebook immediately after the shooting and showed pictures of his underage drinking, but also how his family posted a picture of him in his cap and gown. Two very different pictures of the same young man. In order to put my toe in the water of these class discussions, I chose to focus on the social media presence of it rather than race (call it a cop- out, I was trying to get to know my students and see if I received parent back lash). However, obviously race came up, and I discussed it the best way I knew how. It all came home when a student raised her hand and said, "What's going on in Ferguson? I thought racism stopped when the Civil Rights Movement ended." I should note that this came from an African American student and that I currently teach in a more affluent area than during my student teaching. Many of my students are fortunate to not have personally experienced side effects of racism, which became evident when a student made a snarky comment to another student and I said, "Well aren't you the pot calling the kettle black?" and they told me that was a racist comment. This then spurred a discussion about what racism truly is.
Now, as I watch with sadness in my heart over the recent events in Charleston, I think of how I could make that a teachable moment. Events like these aren't going to end. I watch with sadness as people fight back and forth with each other on social media about white privilege and race. These events such as Ferguson, Eric Garner, Baltimore, and Charleston are crimes committed against humanity. We are all human, regardless of skin color. This hatred comes from generations of ignorance and the lack of evolving in ideals and morals. I had a student this year tell me I should apologize to him because my family owned slaves. I looked at him and told him that half of my family was still in Europe until the 1900s and hadn't yet immigrated to the US, and the others lived in the north. My aunt recently did an ancestry search and we were never slave owners (we executed Native Americans instead- note with irony). He told me it didn't matter and I was white and should apologize. That student also displayed ignorance in that comment because he was raised to believe that most white people were out to get him and that he was owed an apology from me and other whites. This student was an absolute pill and one I am glad is gone (he also announced to the class that I grew up poor because we didn't have internet prior to 1997, despite the fact that I told him NO ONE had the internet, but I digress). Ignorance isn't one-sided.
My hope as an educator is that I can have constructive conversations with my students because racism and privilege DO exist. My students and I discussed white privilege and I flat-out told them that some things came more easily to me because I was white and unfortunately that was the way things worked, but that we can change things. It starts with a refusal to be ignorant. The issue with many of my students is that they were never given the platform to ask questions about race without it getting hostile. We remain ignorant when questions aren't asked. Issues such as these involve intense emotions, but nothing will ever change or get accomplished if we refuse to listen to each other's concerns and ideas. I think we need to let Ferguson, Baltimore, Charleston, and countless other cities be examples of teachable moments. It's difficult because we will never know what really happened in any of these situations because human error exists- people lie, get confused, and make mistakes. It's hard to know the news when we have different perspectives coming from so many media outlets. We're doing an injustice to all of the people who fought in past generations when we refuse to listen to each other. My favorite line from Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "Letter From Birmingham Jail" is "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" (my emphasis added). I look at what's happening in America and can make a list of a hundred different teachable moments, but I'll never be able to reach each of my students, or all of the students in my school, for that matter. We all have demons; we all have baggage; we all are fighting battles no one knows about. If we could just take the time to sit down and have honest conversations with ourselves and others without getting hostile and defensive things might be different. I only hope and pray that by providing an environment such as that for my students, that maybe a spark with occur and some change can happen when they go throughout their daily lives.
But for now, I hope I can make this yet another teachable moment.
In my 6 year old brain I went through the reasons someone wouldn't want to hold Sally's hand- she didn't smell funny, she wasn't mean, she didn't say things that were "weird." The only difference was that Sally was black.
I grew up in a home where race was discussed, but I had never heard of white privilege until I went to college. I'll start by saying that I consider myself conservative politically, but I'm more of an "independent." I always tend to vote for the lesser of two evils because I never 100% agree with everything a politician stands for, especially when it comes to education reform. There are some things I'm more liberal about, and some I'm conservative about. This concept of white privilege kind of threw me for a loop- I've faced adversity. My dad died when I was 6 (I was there), I found my grandmother dead Christmas morning when I was 13, I knew we sometimes struggled financially as a single-parent household, I was putting myself through college, and I felt I had rightfully earned everything I had accomplished in life. I had no idea that many of these things came easily to me because I was white. When these discussions started I was kind of hurt and felt like anyone could pick themselves up by their bootstraps- it was the American way.
It all started to make sense when I read a list of products that are catered toward white people that people of color are not given "access" (for lack of a better word) to. This list included things like the fact that people of color couldn't find their favorite foods at the grocery store, or that it was found in the ethnic foods aisle, that hair care products were found in the ethnic hair care aisle- as if everyone who isn't white is labeled as "ethnic." I had noticed these things, but it all came down to a band-aid.
Yes, a band-aid. I had never thought about the fact that band-aids are marketed as "flesh toned," and they all come in various shades of peach. As if the only color of flesh there is has a peach undertone. This is where it hit me- I can go out and easily find something to match my "flesh tone," but not everyone else can. This was my "ah-ha" moment, if you will.
My next big wake up call came when I was student teaching in Rockdale County. I was in a Title 1 area, and out of 180 students, about 15 of them were white. I remember noticing this, but again, not thinking anything of it. It wasn't until a fellow RA, who is black, asked me if I felt like I was able to connect with all of my black students. I had been at the school for about 6 weeks at that point and thought that my lack of connecting was because I was timid and learning the ropes. I didn't think about the fact that I was a young, white, middle class college student and to many students I didn't "get" them. I can also say this freely because as I got to know these students, many of them told me this information. It wasn't until I took the time to connect with them, which one day came in the form of me singing the Fresh Prince lyrics, or telling them that I'd lost my dad at a young age, that they realized they could trust me. At times this has nothing to do with race, but mostly the fact that many of my students had been let down by adults in their lives and now knew they had an adult who loved them and valued them.
This last year as a first year teacher was tough. Amidst me trying to figure out what I was doing, topics came up such as Ferguson, Eric Garner, and more. It's difficult to figure out where I'm crossing the line as an educator- are these things their parents intentionally don't want them to know about the world? But then I think that they're 13 and 14 and see more on social media than I ever thought possible. I remember reading an article about the impact of social media- we were discussing Michael Brown and how the media took to his Facebook immediately after the shooting and showed pictures of his underage drinking, but also how his family posted a picture of him in his cap and gown. Two very different pictures of the same young man. In order to put my toe in the water of these class discussions, I chose to focus on the social media presence of it rather than race (call it a cop- out, I was trying to get to know my students and see if I received parent back lash). However, obviously race came up, and I discussed it the best way I knew how. It all came home when a student raised her hand and said, "What's going on in Ferguson? I thought racism stopped when the Civil Rights Movement ended." I should note that this came from an African American student and that I currently teach in a more affluent area than during my student teaching. Many of my students are fortunate to not have personally experienced side effects of racism, which became evident when a student made a snarky comment to another student and I said, "Well aren't you the pot calling the kettle black?" and they told me that was a racist comment. This then spurred a discussion about what racism truly is.
Now, as I watch with sadness in my heart over the recent events in Charleston, I think of how I could make that a teachable moment. Events like these aren't going to end. I watch with sadness as people fight back and forth with each other on social media about white privilege and race. These events such as Ferguson, Eric Garner, Baltimore, and Charleston are crimes committed against humanity. We are all human, regardless of skin color. This hatred comes from generations of ignorance and the lack of evolving in ideals and morals. I had a student this year tell me I should apologize to him because my family owned slaves. I looked at him and told him that half of my family was still in Europe until the 1900s and hadn't yet immigrated to the US, and the others lived in the north. My aunt recently did an ancestry search and we were never slave owners (we executed Native Americans instead- note with irony). He told me it didn't matter and I was white and should apologize. That student also displayed ignorance in that comment because he was raised to believe that most white people were out to get him and that he was owed an apology from me and other whites. This student was an absolute pill and one I am glad is gone (he also announced to the class that I grew up poor because we didn't have internet prior to 1997, despite the fact that I told him NO ONE had the internet, but I digress). Ignorance isn't one-sided.
My hope as an educator is that I can have constructive conversations with my students because racism and privilege DO exist. My students and I discussed white privilege and I flat-out told them that some things came more easily to me because I was white and unfortunately that was the way things worked, but that we can change things. It starts with a refusal to be ignorant. The issue with many of my students is that they were never given the platform to ask questions about race without it getting hostile. We remain ignorant when questions aren't asked. Issues such as these involve intense emotions, but nothing will ever change or get accomplished if we refuse to listen to each other's concerns and ideas. I think we need to let Ferguson, Baltimore, Charleston, and countless other cities be examples of teachable moments. It's difficult because we will never know what really happened in any of these situations because human error exists- people lie, get confused, and make mistakes. It's hard to know the news when we have different perspectives coming from so many media outlets. We're doing an injustice to all of the people who fought in past generations when we refuse to listen to each other. My favorite line from Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "Letter From Birmingham Jail" is "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" (my emphasis added). I look at what's happening in America and can make a list of a hundred different teachable moments, but I'll never be able to reach each of my students, or all of the students in my school, for that matter. We all have demons; we all have baggage; we all are fighting battles no one knows about. If we could just take the time to sit down and have honest conversations with ourselves and others without getting hostile and defensive things might be different. I only hope and pray that by providing an environment such as that for my students, that maybe a spark with occur and some change can happen when they go throughout their daily lives.
But for now, I hope I can make this yet another teachable moment.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Motivational Monday 2 (On Sunday)
First of all, the love and support I received from my last post was wonderful! I'm posting this today because tomorrow is my birthday and I probably won't get around to posting on the day itself.
I'll be honest though, this last week wasn't super great in terms of weight loss. I can exercise, that really doesn't bother me. I'm enjoying running; however, I am somewhat doing my own version of Couch 2 5K. The program recommends that you do the running intervals 3 times before advancing, but sometimes I find myself needing 4 or 5 times before my body really feels ready. I don't think there is any shame in listening to my body. I also really enjoy Cassey Ho from Blogilates.com. She is a pilates instructor but the exercises are always in quick circuits to keep your heart rate up, and she incorporates HIIT routines in as well. She is very bubbly and upbeat, which annoyed me at first, but when I'm ready to collapse her personality really does motivate me. I'm not strong enough to do 100% of the moves each video, but I don't let myself stop, and I figure that's half the battle. So, exercise isn't my problem...
Food is.
I'll start the day with great intentions and do really well until about 3pm and then binge. Like that Smartfood cheddar popcorn I ate this week, if I'm honest, or the fact that some of my friends and I went out for a few drinks on Friday to celebrate my early birthday. And the hibachi I ate last night to celebrate Mom's birthday. Oh, this is embarrassing, but it's life and I know many of you are struggling with it too. I used to not eat when I got anxious, and now I eat when I do.
I've always been very open and honest about my anxiety, and since school has gotten out my social anxiety has hit a new high. I feel like no one wants to celebrate my birthday and people who are coming out to dinner with me are doing so out of obligation, not desire. I know that is a straight up LIE, because who would drive an hour one-way to see a friend if they didn't care about them? My prayer this summer is to see me as God sees me- loved, cherished, desired, forgiven, redeemed.
Imagine my surprise when this morning upon walking in to church the sermon was about those words I just listed. Not only that, but our new series is called Renovate and this week's sermon was on Guilt. Next week is Anxiety. God answers prayers in all shapes and sizes.
So back to today. I joined Weight Watchers in mid-April, and today was probably the first day I was 100% honest. I'm currently starving and having to train my body that just because I feel some sort of emotion does not mean that I have to eat. Today felt good to follow the plan. I created a visual reminder on my mirror in my bathroom with strips of paper labeled Day 1- 21. At the end of each day I will rip off the day if it was a good day (meaning I followed the plan and stayed positive).
Although this week wasn't a great week, today was a good day. I've already looked at the restaurant's menu for tomorrow night and picked out what I'm going to get and calculated the points. I'm not going to use my birthday as an excuse to ruin my week because I feel like it. Mind over matter.
And with that, I will "see" you next Monday! What keeps you motivated?
I'll be honest though, this last week wasn't super great in terms of weight loss. I can exercise, that really doesn't bother me. I'm enjoying running; however, I am somewhat doing my own version of Couch 2 5K. The program recommends that you do the running intervals 3 times before advancing, but sometimes I find myself needing 4 or 5 times before my body really feels ready. I don't think there is any shame in listening to my body. I also really enjoy Cassey Ho from Blogilates.com. She is a pilates instructor but the exercises are always in quick circuits to keep your heart rate up, and she incorporates HIIT routines in as well. She is very bubbly and upbeat, which annoyed me at first, but when I'm ready to collapse her personality really does motivate me. I'm not strong enough to do 100% of the moves each video, but I don't let myself stop, and I figure that's half the battle. So, exercise isn't my problem...
Food is.
I'll start the day with great intentions and do really well until about 3pm and then binge. Like that Smartfood cheddar popcorn I ate this week, if I'm honest, or the fact that some of my friends and I went out for a few drinks on Friday to celebrate my early birthday. And the hibachi I ate last night to celebrate Mom's birthday. Oh, this is embarrassing, but it's life and I know many of you are struggling with it too. I used to not eat when I got anxious, and now I eat when I do.
I've always been very open and honest about my anxiety, and since school has gotten out my social anxiety has hit a new high. I feel like no one wants to celebrate my birthday and people who are coming out to dinner with me are doing so out of obligation, not desire. I know that is a straight up LIE, because who would drive an hour one-way to see a friend if they didn't care about them? My prayer this summer is to see me as God sees me- loved, cherished, desired, forgiven, redeemed.
Imagine my surprise when this morning upon walking in to church the sermon was about those words I just listed. Not only that, but our new series is called Renovate and this week's sermon was on Guilt. Next week is Anxiety. God answers prayers in all shapes and sizes.
So back to today. I joined Weight Watchers in mid-April, and today was probably the first day I was 100% honest. I'm currently starving and having to train my body that just because I feel some sort of emotion does not mean that I have to eat. Today felt good to follow the plan. I created a visual reminder on my mirror in my bathroom with strips of paper labeled Day 1- 21. At the end of each day I will rip off the day if it was a good day (meaning I followed the plan and stayed positive).
Although this week wasn't a great week, today was a good day. I've already looked at the restaurant's menu for tomorrow night and picked out what I'm going to get and calculated the points. I'm not going to use my birthday as an excuse to ruin my week because I feel like it. Mind over matter.
And with that, I will "see" you next Monday! What keeps you motivated?
Monday, June 1, 2015
Weight, body image, and motivational Monday.
I'll be honest- I've debated and prayed a LOT about this post, and it's the first non-teaching related one I've done in awhile.
If you know me well or have followed this little blog for awhile, you know that I value vulnerability and honesty. I often think there were be fewer problems in this world if we all took down the masks we wear in front of others and on social media and were a little more honest with ourselves and each other. Please bear with me as I go through this.
It's no secret that in the last 3 years I've gained a lot of weight. I used to be a dancer- dancing up to 15 hours per week between regular classes and long rehearsals on the weekends. I was in great shape, although at the time I thought I resembled a hippo. I look back on those pictures and think, "Oh my! I was SO tiny. I wonder what that 18 year old would say looking at herself 5 years later." I maintained that body for freshman year- probably because none of my friends had cars and we walked everywhere, worked out together, and ate (relatively) well. Plus, it helps that I didn't drink my freshman year so I didn't gain that particular set of the freshman 15. It started sophomore year and my first year as an RA/my first real job other than nannying. I used this excuse of a new life experience and being so much busier than I'd ever been with a job and a full class load.
Then junior year came along, along with a gut-wrenching break up and food became a comfort. I ate my feelings, rather than dealing with them.
Senior year brought the most stressful time of my college career. First semester I had classes from 8-4:45 on Mondays and Wednesdays and then my practicum experience which was over an hour away. I was also still an RA at the time. If working out and eating well ever fell by the wayside, it certainly did last year when I gained over 20 pounds. I look at it now, and I just have made excuse after excuse.
Now this first year of teaching and trying to figure out a budget and cooking and loan payments and what the heck am I doing as an adult? Luckily, I really only gained about 6 pounds this year, but I have yo-yo'd all year long. The real clincher came in March when I stepped on the scale and my weight started with a 2, rather than a 1. I'm actually sitting here in tears admitting that. Now, I could give a plethora of excuses- I have to be on birth control due to a possibility of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, I'm on an anti-anxiety medication- both things that contribute to weight gain. I've just survived my first year of teaching. I live in an area where our main source of hanging out and "doing things" on the weekends consists of going out to eat. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse.
Let's be honest- I feel ashamed. Low. Fat. I think about how I used to prance around in a leotard and tights and be self-conscious about the fact that there was a little "pudge" where my tights met my skin, and my skin crawls. That poor 18 year old went through times of debating not eating, constantly comparing herself to others, etc. I don't have a very high amount of self confidence. I am very fortunate that I grew up in a home where I was told I was beautiful and my mother and grandmother always provided fresh fruits and vegetables (and made me eat them). One of my best friends is battling an eating disorder and she inspires me daily. My struggle with food is not nearly like hers is, but it leads me to a realization- we all fight a stupid battle with food.
Now, I could blame society and the fact that a double cheeseburger meal from McDonald's costs less than $5, but a salad costs at least $7. A bag of chips costs less than and feeds more than a bag of spinach. There are so many preservatives in our food that we can't pronounce what we eat. I'm a tall girl, so an "average" woman who is 5'6'' and weighs 135 lbs is not going to be me. I will weigh more. I will never be my high school weight because the minute I stopped dancing I got curves. But it's bigger than that. It starts with me and how I feel about myself.
Having a friend with an eating disorder has really opened my eyes to the fact that a number on the scale truly does not matter (obviously there are exceptions to that with two extremes). I had a doctor's appointment recently where I had blood work done. My doctor explained that you can be an overweight person and still be healthy- not everyone is going to be a size 4 or 6 (and I probably won't ever be those sizes again). My blood pressure is fine, my blood work is great, etc. But am I? No.
I am not OK with how I look right now and my pants size or scale number. But, more importantly, when I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what is staring back at me. Yes, I get told I'm beautiful by people, but I want to look at the girl in the mirror and see that she's beautiful and not be ashamed to say so.
Let's look at the reality. I'm in my early 20s. I should be in the best shape of my life. Yes, I have the responsibilities of bills and such, but I do not have a husband to take up time or children demanding or needing my time. I have time now to feel beautiful and be healthy.
I've joined weight watchers and had a break through with my running today. (And, shockingly, I actually enjoy running these days). Here's another reality. It's hard. It requires discipline and determination, two things I don't want to have in my "summer mode" where I want to eat whatever I want and have a cocktail or two.
I want to take this summer to transform not just my body and lifestyle, but the way I think about myself and look at myself. I have nieces and nephews who soak up everything I say and do. I'm the cool, young aunt (that's right, I said it) and I have these 7 kiddos who often mimic what I say and do. I also have students who look at what I say and do. I want to set the example that I can love who I am, and that includes my personality and body.
I don't really know why I'm sharing this, but I feel God telling me I need to. At the end of the day, if the One who breathed life into my lungs and put me on this earth can see my beauty and worth, why can't I? This isn't truly my body, it's His- I only have it for my lifetime and then it will go away.
Well, here's to my first motivational Monday. I hope to post each Monday with some motivation and (hopefully) break throughs.
If you know me well or have followed this little blog for awhile, you know that I value vulnerability and honesty. I often think there were be fewer problems in this world if we all took down the masks we wear in front of others and on social media and were a little more honest with ourselves and each other. Please bear with me as I go through this.
It's no secret that in the last 3 years I've gained a lot of weight. I used to be a dancer- dancing up to 15 hours per week between regular classes and long rehearsals on the weekends. I was in great shape, although at the time I thought I resembled a hippo. I look back on those pictures and think, "Oh my! I was SO tiny. I wonder what that 18 year old would say looking at herself 5 years later." I maintained that body for freshman year- probably because none of my friends had cars and we walked everywhere, worked out together, and ate (relatively) well. Plus, it helps that I didn't drink my freshman year so I didn't gain that particular set of the freshman 15. It started sophomore year and my first year as an RA/my first real job other than nannying. I used this excuse of a new life experience and being so much busier than I'd ever been with a job and a full class load.
Then junior year came along, along with a gut-wrenching break up and food became a comfort. I ate my feelings, rather than dealing with them.
Senior year brought the most stressful time of my college career. First semester I had classes from 8-4:45 on Mondays and Wednesdays and then my practicum experience which was over an hour away. I was also still an RA at the time. If working out and eating well ever fell by the wayside, it certainly did last year when I gained over 20 pounds. I look at it now, and I just have made excuse after excuse.
Now this first year of teaching and trying to figure out a budget and cooking and loan payments and what the heck am I doing as an adult? Luckily, I really only gained about 6 pounds this year, but I have yo-yo'd all year long. The real clincher came in March when I stepped on the scale and my weight started with a 2, rather than a 1. I'm actually sitting here in tears admitting that. Now, I could give a plethora of excuses- I have to be on birth control due to a possibility of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, I'm on an anti-anxiety medication- both things that contribute to weight gain. I've just survived my first year of teaching. I live in an area where our main source of hanging out and "doing things" on the weekends consists of going out to eat. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse.
Let's be honest- I feel ashamed. Low. Fat. I think about how I used to prance around in a leotard and tights and be self-conscious about the fact that there was a little "pudge" where my tights met my skin, and my skin crawls. That poor 18 year old went through times of debating not eating, constantly comparing herself to others, etc. I don't have a very high amount of self confidence. I am very fortunate that I grew up in a home where I was told I was beautiful and my mother and grandmother always provided fresh fruits and vegetables (and made me eat them). One of my best friends is battling an eating disorder and she inspires me daily. My struggle with food is not nearly like hers is, but it leads me to a realization- we all fight a stupid battle with food.
Now, I could blame society and the fact that a double cheeseburger meal from McDonald's costs less than $5, but a salad costs at least $7. A bag of chips costs less than and feeds more than a bag of spinach. There are so many preservatives in our food that we can't pronounce what we eat. I'm a tall girl, so an "average" woman who is 5'6'' and weighs 135 lbs is not going to be me. I will weigh more. I will never be my high school weight because the minute I stopped dancing I got curves. But it's bigger than that. It starts with me and how I feel about myself.
Having a friend with an eating disorder has really opened my eyes to the fact that a number on the scale truly does not matter (obviously there are exceptions to that with two extremes). I had a doctor's appointment recently where I had blood work done. My doctor explained that you can be an overweight person and still be healthy- not everyone is going to be a size 4 or 6 (and I probably won't ever be those sizes again). My blood pressure is fine, my blood work is great, etc. But am I? No.
I am not OK with how I look right now and my pants size or scale number. But, more importantly, when I look in the mirror, I'm not happy with what is staring back at me. Yes, I get told I'm beautiful by people, but I want to look at the girl in the mirror and see that she's beautiful and not be ashamed to say so.
Let's look at the reality. I'm in my early 20s. I should be in the best shape of my life. Yes, I have the responsibilities of bills and such, but I do not have a husband to take up time or children demanding or needing my time. I have time now to feel beautiful and be healthy.
I've joined weight watchers and had a break through with my running today. (And, shockingly, I actually enjoy running these days). Here's another reality. It's hard. It requires discipline and determination, two things I don't want to have in my "summer mode" where I want to eat whatever I want and have a cocktail or two.
I want to take this summer to transform not just my body and lifestyle, but the way I think about myself and look at myself. I have nieces and nephews who soak up everything I say and do. I'm the cool, young aunt (that's right, I said it) and I have these 7 kiddos who often mimic what I say and do. I also have students who look at what I say and do. I want to set the example that I can love who I am, and that includes my personality and body.
I don't really know why I'm sharing this, but I feel God telling me I need to. At the end of the day, if the One who breathed life into my lungs and put me on this earth can see my beauty and worth, why can't I? This isn't truly my body, it's His- I only have it for my lifetime and then it will go away.
Well, here's to my first motivational Monday. I hope to post each Monday with some motivation and (hopefully) break throughs.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
The Diary of a First Year Teacher
Tomorrow is the last day of school and the last day of my first year of teaching. When I say it flew by, I mean it. So, on my students' last day of middle school, I am going to read Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go, and have them write letters to their 6th grade selves giving advice for what middle school is like. In connection with that, I've decided to write down all that I've learned this year:
Never in a million years did I expect to be teaching middle school, but now I can't imagine teaching high school.
The entitlement of the young generation is real for about 75% of my students.
I am so grateful for my mother and the fact that she took and adult's side over mine and made me do all of my homework before I could "play," and that she made me take responsibility for my actions and words.
I have said things I never thought I would: "Did you just spit on his jacket?!" "What is 'on fleek'?" "No, someone farting in your face does not cause pink eye." And so much more...
I didn't know what I was doing about 80% of the time, but I think I faked it pretty well.
Teaching is a humbling profession. Lessons won't work. Kids will prove you wrong, and that's OK.
The first fire/tornado/lock down drill about made me pee my pants because I had NO idea what to do.
Speaking of bathroom breaks, teachers have to have bladders of steal.
I can eat lunch in 17 minutes while monitoring students, telling them to sit down, and still have time to go to the bathroom.
Standardized testing is a pain in the rear. I like to call it "the 88 ways I can lose my job."
Middle schoolers smell. Seriously.
Boys are more concerned with their hair than any girl I've ever known.
If I really waited every time I said, "I'll wait," I'd be 85.
I have told a stranger in public to pull up his pants.
I have wine more days of the week than I ever did in college.
When I get angry I say things like "good night," "jiminy cricket," and "son of a monkey's uncle" to keep myself from saying what I'm really thinking.
I never knew so many ways of avoiding work existed until I met my students.
Nothing could ever have prepared me for how stressful the end of the year would be. I don't think I've ever been so stressed out in my life.
My coworkers are incredible. I've laughed in front of them, danced in front of them, and cried in front of them. I truly wouldn't have made it through this year without them.
I cannot believe tomorrow is the last day. I am so grateful to God for this year of learning and growing. I've learned so much more than what's listed, but that'll be for another day...
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
What teachers DO know.
***Disclaimer: this is is NO way calling out my school, district, or colleagues. The point of this post was to acknowledge a national issue and is not reflective of where I work. I am fortunate that I receive constant support from my administration and colleagues and can ask any question and will receive a professional answer. The frustration lies within those outside of the system who wish to make regulations about the system, not those who work as educators.***
As I get ready to finish out my first year of teaching, I can't help but be completely enraged at all of the school shaming- administrator, teacher, etc.
I'll be the first to tell you that our school system is messed up. Teachers are leaving left and right. Discipline isn't held up like it used to be. Class sizes are too large. Kids are tested too much. I 110% agree. However, what I'd like people to realize is that it isn't a school's fault. I understand your frustrations, believe me. I'm expected to get 127 kids of varying intellectual, emotional, and psychological levels at the same place in various standards. I'm asked to do the near impossible on a daily basis. I have issues with Common Core curriculum. I have issues with how discipline is handled. But, by golly, I realize it isn't one person's fault. It's a national issue. The issues with testing and discipline and expectations don't start with a school, they start with the fact that every student I teach is expected to go to college and that schools are expected to be run like businesses. My students are not "made" on an assembly line. Schools are not McDonald's where a student should expect to walk into each teacher's classroom and come out the exact same formulation of Big Mac.
I read several articles tonight with parents "fighting back" against their schools. Now, I am not a parent, and I do believe that parents deserve every right to have a say in their child's education; however, that is something that a parent "surrenders" by sending their child to school. Teachers act as "in loco parentis," which is why I cannot leave my classroom to go to the bathroom or make a quick copy. An adult has to be present to act as a "parent" while children are at school. My patience is waning for people and parents who tell me how to do my job, all the while thinking that I don't know their kids. My blood boils when people tell me it's impossible for me to know my kids.
Yes, I have 127 students, but I can tell you a unique fact about each one of them:
Your son used to only read comic books, but Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist was the first non-comic he read. I recommended it to him because he said he liked adventure books.
Your daughter writes poetry in her agenda when her peers act immaturely because she can't stand it.
Your daughter will rush through her assignments to read because she enjoys the escape.
Your son goes to the bathroom every day at the end of 3rd period. It's his routine.
Your daughter volunteers daily to help me in my classroom because she gets in trouble for talking if she sits still for too long.
Your son stands up in my class to do his work; it helps him concentrate better.
Your son craves attention so much that he will stand next to another student and say s/he hit him just so the teacher hears him.
Your daughter didn't know who else to tell, so she revealed to me in a journal entry that her best friend's boyfriend was cheating on her.
Your daughter started acting strangely in my class; it turns out a young man was harassing her.
Your daughter doesn't act to her full potential because she's trying to "fit in," but she comes into my room every Thursday during help day just to talk.
Your son did all of his homework last night just to see if anyone noticed.
I know about the pictures your daughter posts on Instagram that she shouldn't.
I know your son reads the Bible every day in my class because he's expected to help with his younger siblings at home and wants to have his "God time."
Sometimes your son skips lunch because he got teased a lot last year for being "fat."
Your daughter waits until you leave for work every morning and then puts lipstick on.
The reason your son has started doing his work and acting appropriately is because he has a crush on one of the "smart" girls.
Your son often thinks of scenarios far beyond those that a 13 year old "normally" thinks of (how wars start, the LGBT community, etc.)
No, this isn't a list of all 127 of them. But please, the next time society wants to tell me that I don't know my students or how they learn, act, behave, think, I want society to think twice. Yes, I'm busy and have a lot of pressure on me, but I wouldn't have a job if it weren't for your child. I hear your concerns, I'm looking out for him/her, because I genuinely love and care for your child. The problems with our education system are just that- problems with a system. It is no one person's fault. In reality, teachers are the bottom of the totem pole in the educational world. I hope you realize how backwards that is considering we're the ones spending the most time with your kids. If you want to make a change, I will help you, but you've got to stop blaming me.
As I get ready to finish out my first year of teaching, I can't help but be completely enraged at all of the school shaming- administrator, teacher, etc.
I'll be the first to tell you that our school system is messed up. Teachers are leaving left and right. Discipline isn't held up like it used to be. Class sizes are too large. Kids are tested too much. I 110% agree. However, what I'd like people to realize is that it isn't a school's fault. I understand your frustrations, believe me. I'm expected to get 127 kids of varying intellectual, emotional, and psychological levels at the same place in various standards. I'm asked to do the near impossible on a daily basis. I have issues with Common Core curriculum. I have issues with how discipline is handled. But, by golly, I realize it isn't one person's fault. It's a national issue. The issues with testing and discipline and expectations don't start with a school, they start with the fact that every student I teach is expected to go to college and that schools are expected to be run like businesses. My students are not "made" on an assembly line. Schools are not McDonald's where a student should expect to walk into each teacher's classroom and come out the exact same formulation of Big Mac.
I read several articles tonight with parents "fighting back" against their schools. Now, I am not a parent, and I do believe that parents deserve every right to have a say in their child's education; however, that is something that a parent "surrenders" by sending their child to school. Teachers act as "in loco parentis," which is why I cannot leave my classroom to go to the bathroom or make a quick copy. An adult has to be present to act as a "parent" while children are at school. My patience is waning for people and parents who tell me how to do my job, all the while thinking that I don't know their kids. My blood boils when people tell me it's impossible for me to know my kids.
Yes, I have 127 students, but I can tell you a unique fact about each one of them:
Your son used to only read comic books, but Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist was the first non-comic he read. I recommended it to him because he said he liked adventure books.
Your daughter writes poetry in her agenda when her peers act immaturely because she can't stand it.
Your daughter will rush through her assignments to read because she enjoys the escape.
Your son goes to the bathroom every day at the end of 3rd period. It's his routine.
Your daughter volunteers daily to help me in my classroom because she gets in trouble for talking if she sits still for too long.
Your son stands up in my class to do his work; it helps him concentrate better.
Your son craves attention so much that he will stand next to another student and say s/he hit him just so the teacher hears him.
Your daughter didn't know who else to tell, so she revealed to me in a journal entry that her best friend's boyfriend was cheating on her.
Your daughter started acting strangely in my class; it turns out a young man was harassing her.
Your daughter doesn't act to her full potential because she's trying to "fit in," but she comes into my room every Thursday during help day just to talk.
Your son did all of his homework last night just to see if anyone noticed.
I know about the pictures your daughter posts on Instagram that she shouldn't.
I know your son reads the Bible every day in my class because he's expected to help with his younger siblings at home and wants to have his "God time."
Sometimes your son skips lunch because he got teased a lot last year for being "fat."
Your daughter waits until you leave for work every morning and then puts lipstick on.
The reason your son has started doing his work and acting appropriately is because he has a crush on one of the "smart" girls.
Your son often thinks of scenarios far beyond those that a 13 year old "normally" thinks of (how wars start, the LGBT community, etc.)
No, this isn't a list of all 127 of them. But please, the next time society wants to tell me that I don't know my students or how they learn, act, behave, think, I want society to think twice. Yes, I'm busy and have a lot of pressure on me, but I wouldn't have a job if it weren't for your child. I hear your concerns, I'm looking out for him/her, because I genuinely love and care for your child. The problems with our education system are just that- problems with a system. It is no one person's fault. In reality, teachers are the bottom of the totem pole in the educational world. I hope you realize how backwards that is considering we're the ones spending the most time with your kids. If you want to make a change, I will help you, but you've got to stop blaming me.
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